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i been sitting here drinking coffee and talking to lana on skype trying to relax alittle before i have to do some chores around the house i was wondering if i'm gonna play some games for awhile but not sure just yet i might just get started on the chore just to get it done and over with cause all i want to do the rest of the day is relax and do nothing but play my games and not have shit on my mind anymore i'm r eally getting tired of having to much on my mind i would like my mind to be empty and just be happy no matter what.
i know i bitch alot about stupid shit i just cant help myself it helps me to forget about the shit thats going on in my head which is offten it seems

I turn around to see who was behind me cause i heard foot steps coming from behind me i never thought it could happen to me but it did i was hurt by four guys one of them use to be my boyfriend all i could do was cry i felt my heart drop and my soul get ripped from me my life changed from that moment i was'nt the same anymore there were times i blamed myself for what happened that fearful night i was young only 18 at the time when it happened.
if it was'nt for my bestfriend and my family being there for me i would of done something stupid to myself just to forget that nightmare of hell that those guys done to me.
i went to court for over a year just to have those guys let off scott free with just a slap on the weist and house arest the judge told them if they come anywhere near me they will end up behind bars for 15 to 20 years i still have flashbacks of it but i learned how to forget about it i had no other choice.
i'm now 45 years old and i have learn alot from my past
my life has been going pretty good yeah i have alot going on with my body that i just cant explaine i been taking meds to keep me in a state of mind to help me from going insane within my own mind i keep telling myself that its all gonna be ok that i will never trust anyone that is not a friend to me.
me and my bestfriend has been friends for over 20 years now we have always been there for eachother never allowing any man to come inbetween our friendship yeah they have tried and torn the friendship apart but we stopped it from happening i'm picky of who will enter our little cicle that we have it takes alot for me to trust cause my trust has been broken to many times in the past by many people.
i play alot of games on playstation4 to keep my mind clear of bad things even though the darkness remains i never had this darkness happen until i was pushed around to many times i have build a huge wall around my heart only allowing few to climb over that wall and find their place in my heart where they remain from this day on my friends mean alot to me their like family to me.

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I find it hard to think straight or even write and writing is my way of getting things off my mind i cant seem to stop my mind from spinning it gets annoying sometimes..i feel like i want to blackout and just go off on someone i sometimes feel like i'm being draged down the dark hole of hell with flames as hot as cole and darkness that covers my soul completly.
there are times i wish i could be left the hell alone so i can have time to myself and think things through i have'nt felt like this in along time you see ever since i been put on the meds that i'm on now my mood has been really good and i have'nt blackout in years but it seems things been kinda eh for me every time my aunt calls out my name for something i kinda yell at her and i get to the point where i want to blackout but i fight it really hard.

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EmberMoon
23:15 Oct 30 2019

Hugs, well all go through this, just take one moment at a time hun and breath.

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DreamEscape
23:34 Oct 30 2019

when i do that it seems to work and things get better for me thanks i needed that

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i went out and walked a few miles today and man did it feel good to feel the fresh air on my face i been trying to lose weight for a few months now and went from 250 pounds to 195 in 3 months which made me very happy cause i'm trying to get healthy again so i can live longer and watch my grandkids grow up even though i have'nt seen him since he was a baby cause my daughter is being a little brat right now and not allowing me to see him anymore it brakes my heart to know that he dont know who iam to him.

I do remember alot of things but sometimes i don't remember anything it depends on the day or time that my memory is really bad i guess its cause of the drugs i done in my past life dont get me wrong i'm not proud of what i did back in my old days.

sometimes there are times i wish i could hear my mom's voice again damn how i miss her the hardest time for me was my birthday cause that's when i would get money from my dad.

i just dont know anymore the darkness is trying to take over my soul and cover my heart within its shadows i been trying to fight it but it seems to be to strong for me to fight and whats making it even harder is that every damn time i try it just drags me down even deeper i was never like this until i was raped when i was 18 of age by 4 guys i tryied to tell my aunt and her girlfriend about what happened but they just flipped over and sleeply told me to tell them in the morning when my mom came home the next day i told her and she flipped the hell out the guys just would'nt leave me alone they kept calling and each time my mom answered the phone and the last time she told them see you in court and it lasted almost 2 years i drove deeply into depression during that time in my life i buried that memory deep inside the darkness of my soul yeah i still have flashbacks of that night but i hide the thought of that flashback and not tell my aunt about it she would tell me not to let it bother me cause its been a very long time since it happened.
but it still hunts me from this day thank god i had my bestfriend to help me through it she was always around for me when my family was to busy to even worry about me i did'nt even have my dad around when it happened he was with his new girlfriend he never even cared about me back then he acted like i was'nt even his daughter which made me angery there were times i took it all out on my mom i blamed her for him not wanting to be in my life anymore and when i was raped was when i wished i had my dad in my life yeah my mom saw me through court and all but it would of been nice to have him around to protect me cause i know he would of gather up his friends and went after the guys that did that to me but he was'nt yeah i forgave him for all the hurt he caused me and all the pain he caused my mom by not helping her when she needed the help.
my parents have been gone for along time now it still hurts deep inside i feel like my heart has been broken and my soul has been buried deep within the darkness since they been gone things have been rough for me i wish it would all go away and let me live my life like i used to.

there's one thing that makes me happy and thats
gaming and my friends along with my family i dont know what i would do without them being in my life like they are i can say this much...they keep me sane once we became friends it remained that way i always stick by their side no matter what happens i would always be there for them.
i'm not a bad person i been told that i have a heart of gold and that i listen to peoples promblems when they need someone to talk to i'm always there
but there are times where i will lose my temper when pushed the wrong way yeah i dont like the way i act when i get pissed enough to jump down other's backs that's when i would hop on my games and play for awhile until i calm down abit

I recall the night my mom got really sick i was babysitting for a friend next door when my mom went to the hospital that was the last time we saw her alive she was put on life support it really hurt me to see her like that she ment alot to me the next day we took lana with us to see my mom that was the day we took her off the life support that was the first time i saw lana cry to say goodbye to my mom was the hardest thing ever.
i never thought i would be having to say my last goodbye to the woman that raised me on her own without any help from my dad and i thank her for the woman i have become she saw me threw alot of shit growing up was really hard for me i never had a father figer in my life cause he was to busy with his new family to even be there for me when i was raped by four guys it was my mom that saw me through that shit.
there was not a day that i dont miss her and wish she was still here with me it really hurts my heart yeah its been 4 years since she passed away i cant belive its been that long already my moms twin sister had a really hard time when my mom passed away she took her death really hard.

i had a dream about my parents they were happy looking my mom came up to me and gave me a tight hug and told me she loved and missed me and my dad well he just looked at me and smiled he did'nt say a word to me i missed them both so much

went to lana's for the weekend had alot of fun with her
even had my own room there

for crying out loud..why do i always have to be pushed around by a child yeah i just called you a damn child what you gonna do about it
wait...you cant do anything cause your to far from me and i'm much older then you respect me and you will get respect back dont respect me and you sure the hell wont get it back thats for damn sure i'm the kind of person that wont put up with bullshit i can be a real sweetheart or a bitch it all depends on you and the way you treat me i dont give respect unless its earned and it takes a long time to earn respect from me and even my trust i just dont trust that well but to make me not trust or dislike you dont take much just a push of the wrong nerve my mom always told me that i had my dads temper and her love for people i always held my heart on my sleeve just like my mom did that's the one thing that made us so close my family always told me that i need to stop letting people walk all over me and start standing up for myself i only give two chances but on the last chance that's it our friendship would be over and i would remove you from my life and out of my world.
i been hurt to many times and that's how i became such a cold hearted bitch and not to care reather i hurt someones feelings or not cause my give a damns busted and its never going to get fixed i even have a wall around my heart so i wont get hurt anymore i got really tired of being hurt.

I remember a night i was sitting alone in my big house everyone was gone bowling so i layed down on the couch and watched tv my grampa did'nt have cable at the time which really sucked but i made due with what he had i was only 12 at the time when my mom and i lived with my grampa for awhile until we could offord our own place i did'nt mind living there cause i had my own room there but back to the story..i was laying there watching tv when i heard footsteps in one of the rooms upstairs i even heard a little kid laughing it sounded like a little girl laughing and running around upstairs i slowly made my way up there to check out who was in the room but there was no one there i was by myself in the big house i was so happy when mom and i got our own place yeah dont get me wrong i loved my grandmpa with all my heart and i miss him so much there is not a day that goes by that i dont think of him.
and then i foundout i was pregnant when i was in my 20s the man i was with broke up and i was about to move back in with my mom at my grandmpa's house i felt so lost and alone and went back to my boyfriends place and talked to him about me being pregnant by him he did'nt want to believe it at first so i had to walk to the doctor's office to get a copy of the test and throw it in his face and thats what i did he was in so much shock when he saw the test.

well i just started playing destiny again today i did'nt get that far cause i went to lay down for a nap i needed it big time just could'nt keep my eyes open now i'm trying to get my ex boyfriends att on skype damn he's into his games yeah i get into playing games but not like he does( shakes my head) why do men get so into gaming that you just cant get their att off the game? it sometimes gets on my nerves when he wont answer my call or my messages ugh

i just dont understand how things has turned out for me when i was younger i had such a good life with my mom even though i did'nt have my dad in my life cause he always said he was busy with his new family it hurt me really bad knowing he did'nt want to be in my life anymore cause he found a new woman that had kids that he could help with i would always take things out on my mom cause of my dad he did'nt think of me as his daughter anymore until i gotten older and was able to takecare of myself that is when he came back in my life and bought my love.
when he passed away was when we were started to get to know eachother again i use to go next door to have coffee with him and just talk about stupid shit god how i miss him he was always there when i needed him for something.

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
20:59 Oct 17 2019

At least at the end you and your dad started to work things out. Hold onto those memories. I lost my dad at 6 years old, he and Mom broke up over his drinking and I did not see him for 10 years till he got sober so I understand.

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DreamEscape
21:57 Oct 17 2019

it was very hard for me to handle cause i already lost my mom cause of her drinking 4 years later my dad passed away cause of cancer

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there were times i wish i could turn back the hand of time and relive my life again and raise my daughter myself so she would turn out to be a good kid but i know it dont work that way yeah i miss my daughter and grandkids so much i wish her and i could of gotten to know eachother better but she had so much shit put into her damn head that she would not believe a damn word i would say about her damn dad whom i hate with all my damn being he could rot in hell for all i care

i have been silent sitting in the shadows watching and eatting popcorn enjoying the show and trying not to laugh over the shit that's been going on around here trying my hardest to keep my mouth shut and staying to myself it kills me not to say anything i just cant fight it anymore lol.
my life has been going smooth since i was put on some new meds which has been keeping me calm even though all the stress i been having over the drama which made my blood presure very high i can tell when it goes up i get really bad headaches and i sweat really bad which is from having hot flashes ugh i hate having those they really suck.
i been playing minecraft alot the past few days trying to keep myself calm and relax which helps alot i really enjoy building things and kocking things down

i been writing in my journal alot the past few days about things that are going through my mind very dark things

I been thinking about playing dauntless for awhile try to level my stuff up a little

had an intresting ride home from flint today
my aunt and her husband was fighting most of the ride home which drove me nuts cause i dont like fighting it makes me feel eh when people fight.

COMMENTS

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XLadyRoseX
00:28 Oct 14 2019

People fighting is never a good thing. I use to cringe when my aunt and uncle or parents fight

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DreamEscape
14:08 Oct 14 2019

i cringe when there's fighting around me even yelling i never even liked fighting when i was younger i would hide in the corner crying cause my mom and dad would always fight when they were married my dad would beat the shit out of my mom i think thats the reason i dont like fighting

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tomorrow i get to go camping with my family yay me lol
i'll be gone until sunday my aunt and her husband are renting a cabin for the weekend another few hours in a car again ugh now i'm re thinking about the camping thing again

well i took a road trip with my cousin monday and came back on tuesday it took us 4 hours to get there and 4 hours to get home it was the longest ride ever cause we had a screaming 1 year old baby in the back seat it gave me a bad headache.

well today has just started for me i got woken up by my cat so i got up took my meds and turned on my playstation and laptop and loged on VR to write an entry about my day

i had such a hard day
my aunt ended up in the hospital cause she fell well talking to me i thought she was dieing i just could'nt believe it was happening to me and now i'm home alone on my birthday well my aunt is in the hospital i hope she gets better

COMMENTS

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MagicalTemptations
04:22 Oct 04 2019

Happy birthday :) love u sis least we got to play dauntless together forgot to add that boob!

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ABHORASH
14:40 Oct 04 2019

I hope your aunt gets better soon.

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DreamEscape
15:10 Oct 04 2019

thanks me to

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I will be going through my block list checking to see who i want to unblock and not unblock reather i can trust them or not my trust botton has been messed with a few times over the past few years or months depending on how long i known the person it takes along time to earn my trust back.
lana has broken my trust a few times in the past and she had to earn my trust back and it took her along time to do so i told her that our friendship is on shakey grounds i still have a hard time trusting her cause of what she's done in the past but she has been my bestfriend for over 20 years and i'm trying my hardest to trust her the things she's done to me really broke my heart even made me cry and it don't take much to make me cry i don't normally bring up the past but in this entry i'm doing it to show how good of a friend i can be but when my bottons are pushed i have someone on my list that i came to hate with a passion for a good reason but i'm willing to put that aside and unblock him but if he messes up even once back on the block list he will go and there he will stay i only give 3 chances and if you mess up the 3rd time well that will be it no more chances with me.
i'm an easy person to get along with and become friends with i have learned not to trust cause of the shit i went through when i was 18 my life changed i was raped by four guys that was the night my life got tured upside down and i begun to not trust men i would turn away from them when i had people try and give me hugs i would tighten up and try to push them away i still do that from that day on
i tryed to burry my past within the ground i stand on just to forget about what i went through back then i don't ever want to remember any of that fearful night.
why do i push people away?
why don't i trust easly?
those are what i ask myself daily i tried to change my life but i find it really hard to do i feel myself being pulled within the darkness everytime i get mad its like someone is pulling me down thats when i know i'm about to blackout and do something stupid.

well tomorrow is my 45th birthday so not looking forward to turning 45 how the years flew by fast damn i feel old right now my bones are achy my health is'nt that great but i'm learning to deal with the pain on my own with no pain meds i don't know how i'm doing it but i'am sighs

have you ever had a friend that would be there for you no matter what happens that would stand by your side and help you through your troubles?
well i have my bestfriend has been there for me since i was 14 back in 2015 when my mom passed away she was there the whole time for me to lean on i had a hard time during that time in my life
i just want to thank her for always being there for me when i needed her the most she's a very good friend.

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HallowsEve
16:30 Oct 31 2019

indeed I try my best to make you smile

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its not very hard to get my friendship and have me stand by your side through all you go through in life but if you push the wrong bottons on me i'll show you how much of a bitch i can really be i will chew you like a new toy and then throw you out and watch as your thrown into hell its self and i would have no feelings about it my heart would be ice cold.
i'm not a bad person i do have my promblems but i try to deal with it on my own even through sometimes i just want to crawl into a deep hole and hide there for life where no one can ever find me my health is bad as of right now i have high blood presure copd ashma and other things wrong with me that i reather not talk about my life has been nothing but hell for me ever since i can remember i have been thrown out and forgotten about yeah i do have family that loves me but their never around for me when i need them the most there has been nothing but damn drama started over stupid shit dont get me wrong i do love my family with all my heart but sometimes they do get on my last nerve.
i been wanting to write all this down just to get it off my shoulders and out of my mind