The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i never thought i would have to go through this all over again but this time with my damn aunt i'm getting fed up with her shit.she is always drinking and putting me through hell it never fucking ends with her.
i been told to just move away from her where i wont have to put up with her anymore dont get me wrong i do love her cause she's my aunt but i dont have to love her damn drinking.

i found that playing black ops4
helps me relax some what
and makes me laugh cause hearing people yell about getting killed so many times in the game
its like..really its just a damn game its not like real life get over yourself dude lol.

how do i keep my bipolar and ptsd under control without having a mental brake down?
i been trying my hardest to keep from having a mental brake down but sometimes its very hard to do when i have people around me pushing me to a limit trying to get me to snap i take meds for my bipolar and pression but sometimes i find it hard to handle this mental state i get in at times.
yeah my meds do help to a point but i'm still trying to find away to keep myself in control i got to talk to one of my aunts about how i'm feeling and what i'm thinking but i sometimes find it really hard to talk to family about my mental health cause they just dont understand what i'm going through
daily.

this is me calling out for help

well back at playing black ops4
trying to get use to shooting lol
man i 'am bad at it lol
but i'm enjoying it though
i like shooting games it takes my mind off shit
that has been going on.

i like guns but i cant have them in real life
so i play shooting games

i been doing alot of thinking lately since my daughter moved out of michigan to be with her soon to be husband and now she has a new son whom is 4 months old now he'll never get to know me as his grandma same goes for danny it hurts my heart to know that they dont know who i'am.
danny was my world along with his mom i never thought she would turn away from me like she did i tried to fix things between her and i but she's to hard headed to listen to me when i tried telling her the truth about what happened when she was taken from me it really does hurt me to just think about that night it makes me want to scream and cry out loud.
i never thought it would hurt this damn bad i just want to hold my grandsons and let them know how much grandma loves them and always will no matter what happens.
it makes want to cry i hurt that bad
she just dont know the hell i go through
everyday dealing with so much shit in my damn life that i just want to give up and just lay down to sleep forever or even start to cut again but then again i wont do that.

I remind myself of who i'am everyday of my damn life nothing remains the same anymore i dare not tell my family of how i feel cause they wont understand me they never do.
they always tell me everythings going to be alright they just dont know me like i know me i feel so damn dark inside my heart's as cold as ice and my soul as dark as night.
i try to keep myself calm and relax but i sometimes find it really hard to do i even play games to try help me stay calm and sometimes it helps but it all depends on my damn mood.
i want to tell my family everything that has been going on in my life but i'm scared what they might think of me afterwards this so sucks i just wish this would all go away and things would go back to normal like they use to be.

had such a good day yesterday spend time with family and had a wonderful dinner with them and then opened my gifts.

I stand by the door getting ready to turn the knob i look beside me and see a big wolf with white fur and blue eyes she was beatuiful i reach down and petted her as i opened the door i see a woman with red hair and pretty eyes on the other side of the door she was just standing there with her hands held out for me.
i did'nt know what to do i just stood there staring at her i could'nt take my eyes off her as i kept petting the wolf beside me..well the wolf was beside me i started feeling like i was part of the wolf i felt awake and full of engery like i was ready to run the world a few times.
the lady on the other side of the door smiled at me as i took her hands she pulled me to the other side and when i looked beside me the wolf was gone its like it was never there i did'nt know what was happening i just know i was fUll of life and was happy which i have not been this happy in along time.
i woke up feeling like the wolf was part of me but when i started to think about that door that was infront of me my heart started beating really fast like it was broken and i was sad cause the wolf disappeared when the door opened and the lady took my hands and pulled me to the other side all i wanted was the wolf to be by me again i never felt like this before.
i keep having this dream everyday even when i'm awake i see that wolf and the same lady but she's not near the wolf its by its self or sometimes at my side it all depends.
i dont even know who the lady is i just know she's always there no matter what..

COMMENTS

-

---

ReaperSoulMate
02:49 Dec 22 2019

White wolf with blue eyes is me Sometimes I take people back riding my nick name is wolfie in spiritual form Blue eyes mean inner peace and inner strength of delight that lady is Esmeralda the greek goddess she has brown wings if you open up more to her you will see her eagle side.
This is the sign of Indian tribe.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxGE65pn2vg
If you herd a song it was that song more then likely I linked above you herd in the dream.
IM your Future Im your Voice do not be afraid and Answer my call I wil lset you free.

---

ReaperSoulMate
02:53 Dec 22 2019

---

POST COMMENT

there are to much shit going on in my life right now
with christmas a few days away and having to buy gifts for the kids in the family lets just say i'm kinda looking forward to that day just to watch them open their gifts.
just wish my grandkids were here also cause i would spoil them rotten all i want is to be a grandma to them but my daughter is being hard headed right now all because i was'nt in her life when she was growing up..it was not my fault that i could'nt be there for her when she was younger and trust me i feel damn bad cause i could'nt be the mom i should of been back then and now i cant even be the grandma i should be allowed to be.
oh well she will come to her senses someday
just dont know when though i miss my daughter and grandkids so much it kills me inside wish she live in the same state as i do but no she had to move to be with her boyfriend.
she does'nt even talk to Her dad anymore its like she cut us both out of her and the kids life which was wrong of her cause her dad is very sickly but what can i do about it but to just go on with my life she does'nt even know what she is missing being with me and my family getting to know everyone she has on my side of the family which is alot of people.

sorry for venting i just had to get some stuff off my shoulders before it starts to bug the hell out of me

well its time for me to clean the apt just to get it ready for christmas day even though i just dont feel like cleaning but i know i have to.
my aunt wants to walk to the store to get some stuff we need for the house oh how fun this will be(not)
this is just not me i like to be lazy lol just kidding around(sighs)
ugh wish we had some help with cleaning but we dont its just me and my aunt like it always been and that is how i like it just me and my aunt judy here alone.

another day has gone by so fast..before i know it will be christmas( ugh)and the damn family will all be together not looking forward to it cuase its gonna be a rough day for me not having my parents around is gonna suck for me.
i feel so lost without them here (sighs)yeah i have my other family but its not the same and i know they love me and even care but sometimes it feels like they dont
i always get headaches cause of my aunt judy she keeps pushing me to do stuff around the apt when all i want to do is sit here with my door shut and some music going but the door has to be open all the time its here rules( damn it) i dont even get to be alone at all which i really enjoy the peicefulness
of no one bothering me i sure do miss having my own place but my aunt really does need me to be here for her.

sorry i just had to vent alittle

I woke up made a pot of coffee and took my meds and turned on my playstation and getting ready to play some minecraft for alittle while playing games really helps get things off my mind.
and it keeps me sane sometimes even if my aunt is trying to get on my damn nerves which sometimes she does but she trys her best to takecare of me like my mom would want her to (sighs) i really do miss my mom really bad i guess its what made me lose myself at times.
its really hard to keep myself in control when i have people trying to push me down to the point where i just want to lose it all and just cry and rock myself back and forth in my chair.
there is a person here that i call family and she knows who she is she's been my rock through out the years she keeps me standing when all i want to do is fall.

thanks sis
for always being here for me
no matter you always have my back

I been trying to sleep but it seems like i cant i'm way to scared so i took a sleeping pill to help me sleep some which i need its been days since i had any good night sleep.
the nightmare's keeps coming at me like a raking ball hitting me really hard i wake up in full sweat pillow is soaked and so is the blanket there are times i wake up shaking and crying it took my aunt judy 2 hours just to calm me down this was 4 years ago that i had this nightmare.
i reather not talk about it cause it might make me have the nightmare again or even a really bad dream/flashback (sighs) this is the time i wish my mom was still here for me to talk with about everything thats been going on in my life i need to slow down my thoughts.

well its bedtime for me the pills are kicking in now
will see you all later

when does it ever end?
i feel like i'm stuck in a battle with myself
it keeps going and going none stop
sometimes i want to just pull my hair out
that's how bad it is right now.
my body jumps on its own
i feel like i dont have a mind of my own
thats what makes me think i have double
personity but i need to be checked out by
a doctor for that.

COMMENTS

-

---

Dakotah
00:47 Dec 19 2019

Maybe your medicine is off? Yeah do get checked with the doctor and see if they think it's a medicine issue.

---

DreamEscape
01:24 Dec 19 2019

that's what i'm gonna do

---

POST COMMENT

i'm just sitting here drinking coffee and relaxing alittle trying to wake up alittle before i start doing my day to day stuff that i do everyday of my life i been doing this since i could remember.
i sat in the living room talking to my aunt judy about differant things i love that woman even though she sometimes gets on my damn nerves i try my hardest to get along with her but sometimes she makes it really hard to get along with her.she sometimes pushes me til i want to explode right in her face but i always find away to calm down before that happens i dont like to hurt anyone so i just walk away to calm down and take deep breaths it's really hard for me being who i'am these days but i live with it cause i have no choice but to.
i try to write my feelings down everyday but i find it really hard cause my aunt judy never gives me any time to myself so i could write stuff down so insted i type in my journal here it's much easiyer for me to do.

here i'am another sleepless night gone its 4:30am and still have not went to bed something is bothering me keeps running through my head
i feel so confussed and so lost there is no one for me to turn to.
i never thought i would go through all this alone with no one to lean on when i need to vent or just talk about whats going through my head well i guess no understands about mental illness what i have to go through on a daily baises it really sucks there are times i just want to crawl into a gaint hole and hide there until all this ends.
but i guess i'm stuck with this for life
yeah my meds help alittle but there are times i have melt downs and i just want to be left alone i feel like screaming and crying rocking back and forth as i sit here in my chair typing this all out its making my head hurt its like a voice telling me what to type i feel like i'm going crazy.
i want to pull my hair out but i cant cause i had my hair cut not so long ago it makes me feel some what better about myself having short hair i feel alot differant from what i use to look like back when i had long hair and trust me i dont miss the long hair at all.
my family keeps telling me that their here for me but i just dont believe them i still feel alone having to deal with all this by myself i know i need help but i just dont know how to go about it.

I have been away for a few days trying to get myself together again
i been going through alot as of late
i been feeling alittle off the past few days and i cant seem to get over it
the voices in my head is driving me insane the only time they stop is when i go to sleep but that is when the nightmares starts i even have them well i'm awake i could be doing something and would jump at the image it always triggers me.
it never ends my mental health i need to find myself some help so i can work through all this and findout whats going in my head i never been like this before until 4 years ago i was told i had bipolar and ptsd but i also think i have something else besides those two.
i have'nt been sleeping that well the past few days i would go to sleep early and then i would wake up and be awake the rest of the day i think its because of the nightmares that i have i just dont want to have them again.

COMMENTS

-

---

EmberMoon
07:47 Dec 11 2019

Your not hun, I have also been dealing with a lot of emotions and panic for the last few days. Sometimes your body and mind say enough is enough and makes you deal with the inner demons to cleanse the soul.

---

DreamEscape
08:01 Dec 11 2019

yeah but those demons are very dark i have learned to deal with it through out the years. but sometimes its really hard on me

---

POST COMMENT

I sit here everyday thinking of things i could do to keep myself busy it seems like i cant sit still long enough i always have to move even if its rocking back and forth in my chair i need to move some how some way.
i told myself everything will be alright even when i hear voices in my head that sounds kinda crazy i know right?
the voices sounds like me in some way but i know they not me i keep telling them to shut up i fight with the voices in my head...i feel like i'm going crazy cause of them voices ugh why cant i just shut them out they just wont let me be.
they always fight with eachother guess they just dont like eachother but either way i have to put up with them everyday of my damn life i dont talk about it to anyone not even my doctor knows about them.
i have to deal with alot of shit in my life
some i can handle and other's i cant i sometimes feel the need to self harm again just to ease the feelings that i have to put up with.
(i just dont know anymore)

I fell to my knees with tears in my eyes
rocking back and forth mumbling to myself
i did'nt know why this has happened to me
i really thought it was all my falt.
but now i know it was'nt
the dreams and nightmare's
seems so real to me
why oh why did they hurt me
i thought i could of trusted them
but now i know i could'nt.
why oh why me

i wanted to cook dinner for my aunt judy tonight so i
decided to make chicken mash patatoes and corn i'm hoping it turns out good i mean its not my first time cooking though

well i was searching on facebook i ran into my daughter's soon to be husbands profile and saw pictures of my grandkids and daughter and i started to think to myself..why is my only child doing this shit to me hurting me the way she is she knows that i love her very much even though i have not been in her life growing up well i did try but my ex's mom would'nt let me so i had no other choice cause my ex mother inlaw placed a few order's against me which stoped me from seeing my daughter it broke my heart in two.
all i want is to see my grandkids and daughter but no she had to move
out of michigan to be with her soon to be husband
all i want to do is cry and scream for crying out loud
i think i would be a good grandma to her kids i even tried to be a good mom to faith but she wont have me in her life cause of my ex and his damn mom putting shit in her head about me and the things that were put into faith's head was not nice about me.
and now my ex wanted to get back with me all i could say is (hell fucking no) he has posted some really sick shit on his facebook page about wanting to be with girl's that has something between their legs not gonna say what but i'm pretty sure you know what i'm talking about.
the shit he wants to do is really making me want throw up in my mouth ugh he cant even get damn hard anymore and what makes him think anyone will want to be with him no matter what.
i know i wont for damn sure yeah he's the father of my daughter but i'm just not into him like i use to be back in the day before the divorce.

i cant belive i joined a rape group today and i got the nerve to post about what happened to me back when i was 17 and again when i was 18.
and all because of the rapes i suffer from ptsd really bad i cant even go outside at night cause i get really jumpy and panic attacks badly and i always think there's someone behind me.
yeah it happened along time ago but it still feels like it just happend to me i'm thankfull i had my family to be by my side during the court case of the second rape even though they were let off scott free with just a slap on the weist and house arest and the judge told them if they see me on the same side of the street as them they were to cross to the other side and he said that if he gets a call from me saying that you went near her you will do your time in jail.
i still have nightmares and flashbacks about that night it has never left me i had no one to talk to about it yeah my family was there during the case but they never wanted me to talk about it to them i always had to keep it locked up inside of me it hurt me so bad that i started to self harm but i hid the cuts from the world i just wanted the pain to end and that was the only way i knew how to end it all.
i never thought i would live through it all but i did and it made me a stronger woman

here i'am with tears rolling down my face
my heart is braking in two knowing i'll never
see you again.
you told me long time ago that you loved me and would never hurt me but here you are walking away from my life not knowing what i did wrong to make you leave me like you did.
did i not love you enough?
or give you everything in the world that i could?
well let me tell you this..i will someday get over you and the way you have hurt me and if you ever return to ask me to take you back well let me say this..you can go to hell and rott there

written by
DreamEscape

why does this shit have to happen to me
i never get to have a normal life anymore
i feel like i cant do anything right in the eyes
of my family.
when i try to date my aunt rose always comes inbetween and ruins everything for me i feel like
i'm always going to be alone with no one to grow old with.
i'm going on 46 next year and i need to do something in my life but i'm scared to even
let anyone in without being hurt i dont need that in my life i been hurt to many times and it got me to build a wall around my heart its been there for many many years now.
the last time i tried to date someone he only used me for sex everytime he would pick me up he would take me to a hotel he never did anything fun with me he always said we would do something together but we never did i got really tired of his lies.
one night he text me to see if he could pick me up and do something i knew what he wanted and i did'nt want anything from him i told him that it was over between us but he would'nt listen to what i had to say so my aunt rose text him and told him to leave me alone that i wanted nothing to do with him anymore she bitched at him about using me for nothing but sex.
and then lana tried to fix me up with this guy name mike that lived in the same apartments as she does yeah he was nice and all but just not my type of guy he wanted to do more then just hangout he wanted to take me to concerts and all but i just did'nt feel it with him i was very uncomforable being around him.
so when he text me i told him that i did'nt want anything to do with him that he was'nt my type
he was'nt good looking and he never wanted to do anything but stay at his place all the time
i know i sound mean but i cant help it..when he replyed to my text he called me every name in the book he was'nt that nice about me not wanting to hangout with him anymore i told him to leave me alone and do not call or text me i also told him that i did'nt think he was the best looking guy
yeah i'm blunt and striaght forward about things that gets on my nerves.

why do men have to do that shit to a woman?
all they think about is sex and nothing more

COMMENTS

-

---

EmberMoon
08:37 Dec 05 2019

I know how you feel, it sucks but there are some really sweet men out there, you just got to take your time to look and don't let them blinde you to their shit.

---

DreamEscape
16:33 Dec 05 2019

yeah i know a few good guys that are sweet and kind but not the kind i would date

---

POST COMMENT

when i was slepping i had a dream about my mom and my aunts dog which made me wake up with a smile on my face