Mawidge...mawidge is what bwings us togewer today...
Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam...
... Ven wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever...
... so tweasuwe your wuv...
So I found an online poly group, and posted something similar to my previous entry to it, asking for advice, observations, etc.
In general the response I'm getting is... RUN!
But what if I don't want to run???
What if this is the only chance I get at anything?
I'm 34 years old. I feel like time is more than running out. I don't want to be alone any more.
*sigh*
I really don't know what to do...
I need a totally non-biased relationship counsellor who knows me better than I know myself.
The past week or so I've been staying with a friend here in PA. A male friend. The problem being that while said male friend professes to love me, and I certainly have feelings for him, he's poly. He has another girlfriend, who he has just recently gotten pregnant. I'm not poly. I'm open to a lot of things, but I can't see how that kind of relationship could possibly work for me. I want to be the number one. I don't want to have to compete for affections, draw straws to see who gets to sleep in who's bed for the night. I don't want to have to play second fiddle to someone else. I want my man to be mine, not hers, not ours.
Do I want to stay in something like this? I don't know. I do know that it kills me when he calls her, not me. When I have to fight to get his attention, to work to spend time alone with him, when the first thing he does when he gets home from work is walk over to her. I'm too old and too tired for this shit. Too jealous. Quite possibly too dominant.
*sigh*
I don't know what to do. Half of me fears becoming some sort of old maid with only a vibrator for a bedtime companion. The other half tells me I'm too good to settle for this.
Why does life have to be so complicated??
COMMENTS
Honestly, I'd rather have a vibrator for a bedtime companion than have to share the man I love. Pfft! No way. I would never be comfortable or happy in a situation like that. I don't understand it at all.
You do what makes you happy, honey. You're a great person and I'm sure there's some fella out there that will be lucky enough to know all about your greatness someday. As for this particular guy, it's his loss. Not yours!!
That's the conclusion I'm reluctantly coming to...
Thanks hun :)
I'm going to have a rant about people who think they know everything, and in particular about what's best for everyone.
Where I'm staying right now there is a woman (in the loose sense of the word) who is the "head" of her household and pretty much dictates life from her chair, and has decided that since I'm staying, she will dictate mine too.
I don't respond well to being dictated to.
I'm sorry but if you can't manage your life enough to get up and look after your kids and have to rely on a visitor to clean up after them, then you forfeit the ability to tell said visitor what to do.
Quite apart from which - I've lived my life quite well for 34 years now. I do not need someone to tell me how to act, think, or behave at this point.
Most especially do NOT tell me what to believe. Should I believe in something, do NOT sit there and say it's a load of crap. I don't ridicule your beliefs. Do me the same courtesy.
Basically I think it's 2 dominant personalities clashing but for gods' sake. Don't dictate!!!!
/end rant.
I did myself a Tarot card reading. Online translations.
I thought it looked not too bad, actually...
Your Power Cards
These cards represent strengths and abilities you were given at birth.
Judgement
Judgement signifies the start of a new journey, guided by lessons learned in the past. It represents the culmination of your life's experiences and is about rebirth and resurrection. It is time to face demons from the past and make a fresh start using a clean slate. Make that final decision that will finally plunge you into a new situation.
When Justice or The Fool are among your personal cards, the influence of Judgement may be increased. Having Death in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Judgement.
The High Priestess
The High Priestess is the mysterious one and counterpart to the Magician. She symbolizes all that we are unable to perceive or comprehend, as she travels in dimensions that we can only imagine exist. She is able to uncover the infinite potential that exists within all humans. Her patience is perhaps her greatest virtue.
When The Hermit or Hanged Man are among your personal cards, the influence of The High Priestess may be increased. Having the Magus in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The High Priestess.
Your Desire Cards
These cards focus on your ambitions and dreams.
Death
This card is commonly misconstrued and does not specifically pertain to physical death. The Death card signifies change in your life brought about by the ending of a current situation and the beginning of a new one. While the card itself may be morbid, it actually represents exciting change in your life. Be prepared for new and exciting situations to develop.
When The Tower is among your personal cards, the influence of Death may be increased. Having The Fool or The Empress in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Death.
The Emperor
The Emperor can provide order and structure where once only chaos existed. He possesses great intelligence and the confidence required to use it productively. While sometimes considered stern and demanding, he knows how to encourage people to reach their full potential. He sets strict rules and boundaries and expects others to comply.
When The Hierophant or Justice are among your personal cards, the influence of The Emperor may be increased. Having The Empress in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Emperor.
Your Lucky Cards
These cards represent factors that favor you.
The Wheel of Fortune
The Wheel of Fortune deals with the unpredictable situations in life. Your path in life takes many detours, often directed by forces and events beyond your control. This card represents change in your life, so be ready for unexpected challenges to come your way. This card usually denotes that good luck is coming your way.
When The World or The Fool are among your personal cards, the influence of The Wheel of Fortune may be increased. Having The Hierophant or The Emperor in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Wheel of Fortune.
The Magus
The Magus is the master of his own destiny and unafraid to act as he chooses. By setting specific and attainable goals, the Magician utilizes his great knowledge and wisdom to succeed where others have failed. He is the master of his own destiny. Although, with such power comes great responsibility. The Magician must decide whether to act morally, or forsake ethics for personal gain.
When The Chariot is among your personal cards, the influence of The Magus may be increased. Having The Empress or Hanged Man in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Magus.
Your Growth Cards
These cards represent the major influences on you in the near future.
The Chariot
The Chariot is the representation of victory and a reminder that, through dedication and perseverance, great obstacles can be overcome. This card indicates that you are in control of your destiny and that your will is strong. Your refusal to surrender is your great attribute at this time. You will soon find yourself in a difficult situation that requires you to be in complete control of your actions and confident in your abilities.
When The Magus is among your personal cards, the influence of The Chariot may be increased. Having The Hanged Man or The Tower in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Chariot.
The Empress
The Empress is in tune with Nature and symbolizes the ability to connect with the planet. Nurturing and caring, she is often thought to represent birth itself. Not necessarily the birth of a child, but perhaps the birth of a new project or business venture. Although she appreciates the simple things in life, she is not afraid to let loose and enjoy abundance.
When The Lover or The Star are among your personal cards, the influence of The Empress may be increased. Having the Emperor or Death in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Empress.
Your Core Cards
These cards represent your most basic traits.
The Lovers
The Lovers represent a powerful union and the harmony of opposites. It represents the combining of two elements to create an even greater entity. This card often represents the formation of a new relationship or the strengthening of a current one. Love can come your way at anytime. There are difficult decisions to be made and conflict may arise when temptation and desire overcome morals and ethics.
The Lovers' influence is increased when The Empress is among your personal cards. Having The Hierophant or The Hermit in your personal cards may diminish the influence of the Lovers.
The Fool
The Fool desires to achieve great things in life, but does not always anticipate the hard work required. Full of curiosity and searching for answers, the Fool symbolizes a new beginning and endless optimism. He must be careful in the decisions he makes, as his lack of experience is often a hindrance. While others may avoid taking on insurmountable odds, The Fool will attempt to accomplish near impossible goals with almost reckless abandon.
When The Hanged Man or The Star are among your personal cards, the influence of The Fool may be increased. Having The Devil in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Fool.
I think I'm about ready to go home now... I'm starting to despise living in hostels... I'm going to go mad if I have to do it for the remainder of my stay here. And I'm lonely and alone and can't have what I really want soooo... yeah.
COMMENTS
So why dont you come to Kentucky? Got a great hotel you can stay at and will be headed south soon as all the storms get finished.
KENTUCKY!!! YES!! Draky, come to Kentucky! *makes puppy dog eyes* Puh-leeeeeeeeeze????
Kentucky? Are there bands of roving fried chicken there? ;P
Well, there are bands of roving chicken that you can fry. :P
Seriously, you're sounding like your trip is not going like you wanted. :( I'm sorry about that. I wish you could swing through here so that I could make you laugh with my dorkiness. ;)
COMMENTS
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ThothLestat
23:23 Oct 06 2008
LAWL... it took me a while to remember what this is from. Awesome!
have fun storming the castle!