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i don't even know what the fuck I wanna write. I'm just pissed outta my face and I feel like I wanna write something. So please excuse my grammer and spelling cos I've done this drunken writing shit before and even i cant understand what i write when i sober up. Although im sure that what i write when im fucked is much more honest than i can bring myslef to be when im sober. If i could decipher myself after these drunken rants than maybe id be able to understand me. Unlikely but possible.............Sometimes I wish that evryone I love was dead just so i could kill myself without feeling guilty.....that's the only reason im alive now.......cos of my guilt..........i couldnt kill myslef knowing the pain it'd cause my family...........look at what ive just wrote and tell me they wouldnt be better off without me.....i sit here wishing i didnt have a family just so i can kill myself!

I dont even know whats so bad about my life.....if i wasnt so self-centred then maybe i could swallow all that "there are people much worse off than u" bullshit.........i know there are ppl worse off than me.............but i really couldnt give a shit.............i'm the kind of person who'd go to africa and eat till i felt sick rather than give the starving dickheads anythin.



I swear to god i must have a split personality cos sometimes i love myself a ridiculous amount and think im the greatest thing since the wheel (i personally think thats better than sliced bread) then on the flipside i hate myself inordinately..................fuck it thats all im writing now..........be fucking happy with it..........you better be cos i fucking aint.



Edit: Don't I bitch when I'm drunk lol

Well I woke up this morning with my arm and leg stuck to my bedsheets with blood which weren't too pleasant. I felt like a young girl must feel after her first period lol.



I don't know why I stopped cutting though because it did make me feel a hellova lot better. Well I do know why I stopped cutting, I stopped cutting because I've got a massive scar on my left forearm that's never gonna disappear and that my kids are gonna ask me about if I manage to live long enough to have any and because I feel like a proper fuck-up everytime I meet someone new and I can see them looking at it working up the courage to ask me how I did it. And finally because I nearly lost the use of my left hand, that's the only real reason because I don't really give a fuck about the others, I'm a selfish bastard so I only really care about things that effect me personally and I couldn't give a fuck about what people think.

Well I'm a clever fucker aren't I? I just slashed the fuck out of my arms and legs. That's the first time I've done that shit in fucking ages and I'm not happy with me. The last time I did that I cut my arm so deep the Doctor said I was lucky I could still use my hand.



The thing is I don't know what the fuck's the matter with me. My life isn't that fucking bad. I think it might be the ecstacy, that shit's supposed to fuck ya head up long-term and I went mad on em when I was younger. Me and my mate were pilling for 3 months straight back in the day. I tell ya now the come-down off a 3 month session aint pretty, I couldn't leave the house for a week.



Oh well shit happens.......Usually to me. There we go that's a saying I made up, ya can use that. Don't say I never give you nosy bastards nothin.

Someone told me to start a journal so I thought why the fuck not. I'll let you into my fucked up wasteland of a world and you aint gonna like it.



Unfortunatally I've got fuck all to write about at the moment so you'll have to be fucking patient.