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Lost my car and day job in one fell swoop. Dwindling income will be hard to adjust to. Pissed about my car. Somewhat relieved about my job. Deep down I don't really want either of them anyway, but. Cars and money are convenient. Trouble is the best years of my life I was without either. Then things went downhill because of a girl and other compounding issues and therapists told me the solution to all my problems was money and a job. Fuck Christianity; capitalism is America's religion.



So eventually I bit. I played along. Money bought me a lot of nice things to watch and play with. But money and a car never bought me the peace of mind or freedom everyone promises you it does. I traveled more before I had car. Just became a slave to both.



Fortunately I still live in my parents basement cuz I'm a lil bitch, so I'm hoping to take advantage of that for at least a little while and try to finish as much of the music I wanted to put out this year. Trouble is living beneath them in a figurative sense as well has really taken a toll after all these years. Right before I lost my car and job I was trying to formulate a way out. Wonder if there can still be one.



Truth is I'm fucking miserable. Hit myself in the face a few more times again last night. Despicable me. Told my girlfriend she should leave me because I'm fucking garbage and I make her miserable and if she sticks around she's always going to be miserable. She denies it all of course even though she's often telling me all the things I don't do that people in relationships should, things she wants me to do, and all the terrible ways I make her feel. But inadvertently of course. I don't know how many times I have to try to explain to her that for lack of a better cliche I'm broken. Too many times, and it never sinks in, so I've given up. Resorted to just repeatedly telling her I'm a fucking waste, that I'm fucking garbage. Angers me that she won't hit me or call me names.



I have nightmares that friends/family tell me at length how fucking stupid I am and how much they hate me. It started with my parents, who'd say shit until I'd lash out and physically attack them. Mom included. In the nightmares of course. It later expanded to friends as well. Have yet to beat the shit out of any of them. In nightmares of course.



So I'm staving off sleep. Supposed to go to the movies tonight with my GF and hopefully will, but I loathe the idea of laying in bed with nothing but my thoughts and trying to sleep. Dumb shit creeps in. I don't want to think or feel it. But I'm getting tired. Doing nothing better. If I mess up the movie date by sleeping in it'll be a whole nother nightmare. A living one that is. They're far too common. Sometimes moreso.



So much more that's eating at me that I haven't even touched on. That's the problem with accruing so much bullshit is you start to drown in it. I don't know if I should walk out the fucking door and hitch toward warmer climes or what. Warmer in several senses. I've considered shrink hunting. Extreme vetting process; zero tolerance. But would have to hit up my grandma to pay the way, and that's a problem. I don't like her any better than the rest of these fucks. That is to say she's said or done things I can't forgive. But that goes for everyone around here. This place is a prison and these people aren't my friends.



Too long; don't read. Too late. Not the place to put that. But boring conversation anyway. Just so tired of bottling up poison and rotting from the inside out.

COMMENTS

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ErebustheDead
07:48 Dec 07 2017

Best to spray poison then swallowing it until u cant stand taste.

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POST COMMENT

My relationship is a trap. I've tried to break up with her several times. It never works out somehow. Probably because I want to be with her of course but shit never changes. She's always upset at me for something, or for nothing even. I tell her I'm garbage and she's always only ever going to be miserable with me and that she should leave, but she doesn't listen. But everything is my fault, and my problem to fix. I'm just so tired of it all anymore. So calloused to it. I used to get so mad I'd fly off the handle. To act like I'm this terrible motherfucker when her last boyfriend was an incessant liar and cheated on her three times with two different girls. I'm nothing like that piece of shit but not a moment's peace. I don't want to be done but I want to be done. Moreover I think I need to be. Just lost my car and my job and I'm in a stage of metamorphosis. Spring cleaning, literally and figuratively. Maybe why should I stop at her?



People want to hear what they want to hear, whether there's any truth behind it or not. They have no care or want of authenticity. You can look them straight in the eye and lie right through your teeth and it doesn't matter, as long as they're hearing what they want to hear. But I won't bend to that. I refuse to be anything but myself, and refuse to express anything other than how I feel. I refuse to participate in your wannabe storybook song and dance just for the sake of fulfilling a fantasy via living a lie.



All I care about is the truth. All I want in life is the truth. From everything, from people. And I don't even strictly mean not lying, I mean being an honest person, as in being who you are. Expressing how you feel. Saying what you think. Just being yourself. Seems the whole world is a fucking dumb ol' masquerade of "normalcy" that I refuse to attend.



I'm fuckin done.

3/31



Blood on the dance floor. Not too uncommon. Club doesn't have a sign but I guess the music draws them in. A four-on-the-floor will do that. Not always the kind of people you want though. Some hothead who doesn't know where he is but nevertheless thinks he owns the place. Isn't long before he gets himself into something he doesn't know he shouldn't and starts shit with someone he shouldn't start shit with. They hardly ever retaliate, as regulars know the score. That _______'s got people for that. Someone behind the glass turns a spot on "the unwelcome" and everyone knows to stand aside. I usually hit the stutter for effect and make sure the mirror ball is spinning. A little tongue-in-cheek, but hey, they pay me, and it's me they're paying for. They send one, rarely two, and if being singled out by the spotlight doesn't coerce them into cooperating and leaving peacefully a slight press on their inner-elbow with a claw ring usually does the trick. Tonight it didn't, and he got slapped with them instead. He was bulkier than the "bouncer", but his hair was much shorter (shaved), and little did he know that among that crowd that means something. Nothing serious, just a cut cheek/lip. I saw someone gesture for the bartender to send a rag but by the time it got out there he couldn't find the spot on the floor. Writing it out it seems like a big ordeal but the whole thing didn't last more than a minute or two. People dancing in the back didn't even notice. Like the title says, typical Friday night.