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Well I am 23 now I am thinking about my life.



I told myself when I was younger I wouldn't make past 25, because of all the pain I've delt with..Well looks like I have two more years until that happens. But I don't see it going that way. My life is so great. I have the greatest chick in the world she treats me like I'm a GOD, and really loves me and I love her as well.



So now as I am 23 I look at 25 and I say things will be better then they are now cause each day gets better as it passes.



I hate all the bad things that have happened to me and the scars on my arm from them. But I am still here, so theres some reason for that.



I hate every person that has done me harm. But love what has come from it me being a stronger person.



I am getting drunk as I write this. So who knows what I'll say.



I wish I had alot of things that have been taken from me. especialy people who were close to me so they could see me be happy.



I'm listening to a song right now that sums up my life until this past year which has been fuck up in its self. But the sone is House Of Pain by Faster Pussycat.. I am almost at tears...



At this point I want to tell a few people off for wronging me..and give thanks to those who have brought me out of my pit of sarrow..

It's one day befor my 23rd Birthday. I am sitting here reflecting on my life. The years as they have passed.



I remeber the good times and the bad a s well. I look at all my hurt and pain. I look at the way it has made me. The man that I am, because of it. But I also see all the good things and how they have effected me as well.



The hurt has made me stronger, yet has made me down on myself. The good things have kept me going. I look at all my hatred towars alot things and people and reflect on why I feel such.



I look into my own eyes and see a creature that is here for a reason. A reson unknow to me. But I know I have one. I look at myself and how I hate me and how others hold me up and put me on a pedistal. I wish sometimes I could see myself in the rose colored glasses everyone else sees me through.

I don't feel like me right now. i feel as if I am watered down, a shell of myself. I don't feel like me at all. I feel as if I have lost my inspiration. My flame seems dim. I need something to light my fire, spark my creativity. I feel as if I am in a rut. I have felt like this off and on for the past few months. It's like everytime I get it back it's blown out, this flame of mine. My desire seems faint. I hate feeling like this. I need help. I need me to be me. I need something, yet I have no clue what it is.

Someone is stalking me and I don't know who. Makes me wonder. Makes me feel special in a way I suppose. But it made me think of this old 80's song by Rockwell (I'm sure most people wont know who that is)



Who's watching

Tell me, who's watching

Who's watching me



I'm just an average man

With an average life

I work from nine to five

Hey, hell, I pay the price

All I want is to be left alone

In my average home

But why do I always feel

Like I'm in the twilight zone



And (I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

And I have no privacy

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Tell me, is it just a dream



When I come home at night

I bolt the door real tight

People call me on the phone

I'm trying to avoid

But can the people on TV see me

Or am I just paranoid



When I'm in the shower

I'm afraid to wash my hair

'Cause I might open my eyes

And find someone standing there

People say I'm crazy

Just a little touched

But maybe showers remind me

Of 'Psycho' too much

That's why



(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

And I have no privacy

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Who's playin' tricks on me



(Who's watching me)

I don't know anymore

Are the neighbors watching me

(Who's watching)

Well, is the mailman watching me

(Tell me, who's watching)

And I don't feel safe anymore

Oh, what a mess

I wonder who's watching me now

(Who)

The IRS



(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

And I have no privacy

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Tell me, is it just a dream



(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

And I have no privacy

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Who's playin' tricks on me

(Who's watching me)

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Ooh...

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

So? Who can it be

(Who's watching me)

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Who's playing tricks on me

(Who's watching me)

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Can I have my privacy

Whoa...oh oh

(I always feel like)

(Somebody's watching me)

Who's playing tricks on me

It is 12:38 am on Wednsday, I found out about ( pm Tuesady night that my aunt had passed away. I guess this is me venting. Letting out my feelings. I need to cry, but I hate to. It hurts. I don't cry alot but thisis one of those times I feel the need to. Most of the time it is physically hard for me to cry. I want to but the tears don't flow. I have been feeling the need to cry for a week now, I suppose this is the reason. Sort of a something was telling me, something was going to happen to make me cry. I am sad at the moment. i handle death very well, but it is still a loss and it still tugs at my heart, as cold as it can be at times. I am trying to keep myself from crying. I know I will though. My tears will fall and for a good reason. But I hurt all the same. This is my softer side. A side that few get to see. Yet I feel the need for it to be.