The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Right now I can't understand life. To me I have none, cause my life was taken away from me yesterday. My wife passed away. Now I am lost. I fell so empty inside. I don't know how to go I know I have to go on but it's so hard..I cry and I hurt. I can't even talk. I stutter when I talk and I have never had a stutter in my life. I am so tore up from this..This is the worst pain I have ever know..I lost more than a wife. I lost my best friend my lover my heart my so. the most beautiful thing I have ever known. I just do know why.

So this is xmas and what have we done another year over......-John Lennon



I hate this time of year. There is no cheer for me..Hasn't been for several years now. I don't get into the holiday spirit and all that jazz..Theres no point. I don't believe in what this holiday is about. I get into it every year with my family over this whole xmas thing. Cause I don't like it and don't believe in it. And this year it adds on cause I have a daughter and my family thinks I should be all excited cause its her first xmas..I don;t care its just December 25th to me. They are mad/upset, cause I'm not going to fill her head with that ho ho ho merry xmas Santa bullshit..I don't want my kid believing in Santa. He's not real its just a fucking lie..I don't want to lie to my kid. I think thats wrong. Just cause every one else does doesn't mean I have to. They don't get that..



This is supposed to be the happiest time of year and all that jazz..Well I am not that happy..I got a wife that is a coma. No water in my house cause I don't have the money to turn it on form where it got shut off, cause it was in our old roommates name and they didn't pay the bill. It's not so jolly of a time. If this season is so great then why is the suicide rate higher this time of year than any other..makes ya think..people just put there selves in dept to try and make others happy and most of the time those folks are ungreatful for that person that spent all that money got them. Bull shit I say..I wouldn't and don't waste my money on presents for people. I tell people not to get me stuff..Cause if I don't celebrate the holiday I don't think people should get me stuff for it. That's what this season is supposed to be about is not being selfish..But it's not it's about who can get the most or spend the most money so they look good or kool or whatever..



But all in all..I am worse than the Grinch and Ebinezer Scrooge..They changed. I never will..My heart wont grow three sizes that day. And if tonight when I go to sleep and three spirits visit me I wont care. I'll tell them to shut the fuck up they are wasting there time. Though I will go with the third spirit so I can see what my grave looks like and to see the date on it..



So to everyone..Merry Happy Whatever the Fuck you celebrate.

I'm so fucking tired of being stressed..Just when things are looking up they get shitty again..It's pretty bad when I want to tip the bottle up on a thursday night. Stress is not good for..i have no real stress relievers. My head is feeling like it is going to explode but I have no pain at all..I wish i was numb. This bottle of vodka is looking real nice..



Ahhhhhhhhh I want to scream and cry and just get rid of this damn stress and inner pain..One person can only take so much..I am almost at my limit.



Damn the bad shit going on and damn this time of year..What the fuck is so special about it any damn ways..Fuck getting present and all that shit. i just want my fucking wife to be better and for all my bills to be caught up and to not have to worry about that shit..But is some big fucking lard ass coming down my chimney and bringing me this. Hell fucking no. Call me a scrouge or a grinch and all that jazz. i don't care. But there is no point in this time of year. except for money to be spent on shit it doesnt need to be spent on. Happy Holidays my ass..I ain't so happy. I wish I could smile and actualy have it be real.



Fuck this stress and fuck me feeling like this..FUCK FUCK FUCK...This is one of those times that if I had a gun I would be tempted to try to blow out my brains. Just so I could relax..I'm to fucking tense. I hate being like this..And only a few things make me feel better. And I cant get those things...Sure I could drink that makes me feel ok for a bit but that will go away..And I sure as hell aint getting what else makes me feel better..Theres no damn way i'm getting a fucking blow job, with my wife being sick..That fucking blows. I have no stress relievers. I'm going nuts..



If only there was help..Someone please shoot me something..Some kind of fucking help here..

Seemed kind of fitting for something I read.



Sharing The Night Together - Dr. Hook



You're looking kinda lonely girl

would you like someone new to talk to, ah yeh alright

I'm feeling kinda lonely too

if you don't mind can I sit down here beside you

ah yeah alright



If I seem to come on too strong

I hope that you will understand

I say these things 'cause I'd like to know

if you're as lonely as I am

and if you mind



Sharing the night together, oh yeah

Sharing the night together, oh yeah, sharing the night.



We could bring in the morning girl

if you want to go that far

and if tomorrow find us together

right here the way we are

would you mind



Sharing the night together, oh yeah

Sharing the night together, oh yeah, sharing the night.



Would you like to dance with me and hold me

you know I want to be holding you

ah yeah alright 'cause I like feeling like I do

and I see in your eyes

that you're liking it too, ah yeah alright

like to get to know you better

is there a place where we can go

where we can be alone together

and turn the lights down low and start sharing the night ...

Last night I did something I havent done in a long time..I cut..Why cause I have been so stressed of late that I needed a release..It wasn't much. Just on my upper arm no big deal..I just felt the need to bleed. Didn't bleed as much as I wanted to. But it will do for no..I just need a big release..Right now I could use the big release. I'm not so great I am shitty right now and could care less if I was around..Not good I know but it's the truth..I have no worth...But I suffer through it..One day though..One day

I have been having a rough time as of late..Things in my life havent been the greatest..Not the worst but still not the best.



I am drained mentally physically and emotionally. Not good..I look horrible. Not like myself at all.. What once people thought was a pretty man look bad. Now I don't think I look all the great but there are times when I have thought I looked nice and was vain. I don't look close to my best at all..I am rough looking..This brings me down a bit. At one time I was pretty..That can change I am sure but not until I get myself right in the head..



Mentally I am down on myself and can't seem to grasp anything. I'm to stressed to thing the way I should. My mind is clouded with all kinds of messed up stuff..Stuff that is always there but just not so much of it that it blocks me from myself..I feel lost that I can't find my calm place in my head. The place to drift away to..



Time doesn't exist to me..There is never a new day just one big day that goes on..Sleep is too little or too much for me when I do sleep. I have no clue what I have become..I have this problem a lot..But I have never been so lost. It' hard to talk to people about it. I feel I am not understood by most. The one's I do feel understand me. i care to much for to bother them with my problems...I find it odd..But It's like being in a room with an open door but every time you go to go out it theres just a wall there to stop you...



I could, should ramble on but eh why do that..I have no clue..Help I need..But nothing to light that spark. Like a first kiss lights a fire under romance. I need a big bang. An explosion. A change could do me good..Just something to motivate this dead flesh..