Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
40 entries this month
17:07 Sep 30 2009
Times Read: 1,079
I feel like there is nothing but lies between us.
And the person I wanted to hear from so badly, didn't call. *pouts* At least I'm not looking to hook up with anyone else. I just really wanted to talk to someone I trust about what's going on.
01:33 Sep 30 2009
Times Read: 1,087
Last night or should I say this morning, I slept curled up with a Tommy Bear and Mister Carmel Cupcake.
And something that's on my mind... if I don't hear from him tonight, I'm going to probably end up crying.
I ♥ him!
No, I'm not planning on getting into any relationships for a little while. I'm actually single and planning on keeping it that way for at least a few months.
In this time, I plan on concentrating on myself and Aurora. I'm going to work on things with Brett, friendship-wise and we're going to get everything straightened out.
I admit I'm scared of what tomorrow brings, hell, I'm scared of what stepping outside my door brings... but I need to get through it all and I plan on it.
:-)
05:20 Sep 29 2009
Times Read: 1,105
I just fucked up.
I'm so fucking stupid.
So fucking stupid.
I tried to kiss him.
So freakin' stupid!
00:25 Sep 29 2009
Times Read: 1,112
I've done pretty good today. Brett left for his class before six this morning. Aurora woke up right after. I spent most of the day playing with her. She got a bath about noon. And while she napped, I did some more of the dishes. When she woke up, I wanted to take her for a walk since it wasn't hot out but not chilly either. It looked like it was tempted to rain but it hadn't most of the day. Bad thing was... her shoes were in my car, along with her monkey leash and the stroller. *sighs* Didn't get to go for a walk.
We did get to go out for a couple of hours. We visited with my mom for about 30 minutes.
Brett got me something to at Wal-mart. He got me a scrapbooking tote that I can use for my journalism! I've been making my personal journal almost like a scrapbook to make it more me and to encourage myself to write in it more. I'm so excited about it! This one was actually already prepacked with things and there's only one defect. What's wrong with it is one of the velcro pads are missing on one of the bigger compartments. It's nothing big and took an expensive tote down to $21! I love it!
PRIVATE ENTRY
02:18 Sep 28 2009
Times Read: 1,119
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
01:51 Sep 28 2009
Times Read: 1,121
So I just finished my homework. I think I did pretty good on it. Only time will tell though.
I ended up writing in my personal journal this morning before finally going to sleep. I'm planning on writing in it again before the end of tonight.
I haven't really gotten to clean any since waking up because of my leg. It's been swollen since I woke up this morning. I hope it gets to feeling better!
I'm probably going to clean some while I'm watching Animation Domination. I'm happy about it, dang it. At least I'm getting to watch it this weekend.
As for the Wii, I'm not going to get to play it tonight or at least not any games that require me to stand. I hope I get to play it soon!
And thinking of the movie I said I was going to watch, Brett and I watched "Dude, Where's my Car?" and "Hitman" while I was getting my homework done. Ugh! Compromises suck sometimes! But at least I can now say I've seen it. LOL!
So from the rundown of my day, I did everything I set out to do other then going outside for five to ten minutes. But I guess that's understandable since my leg has been swollen and the Ibuprofen isn't really helping.
23:11 Sep 27 2009
Times Read: 1,126
Prewriting techniques suck at times. I really wish my notebook was bigger on this one but it's not and my assignment is only supposed to be a paragraph long. It's supposed to be on a childhood memory. I came up with eight different memories. These memories are centered around my grandpap, my grandma, my dog Wolfie, and my daddy, and two baby birds I found dead. Out of eight memories, I have no clue which one I'm going to pick but I'm thinking about doing them all sometime during this week just so I can concentrate on healing from a couple of them.
I might put my finished product in here later on today.
06:00 Sep 27 2009
Times Read: 1,145
I don't think I'm going to be sleeping tonight. I've been crying from other things going on. I'm cleaning right now. Hopefully I'm not disturbing the upstairs neighbors. I couldn't care less about the downstairs neighbor right now. They bitch about everything under the sun already.
I at least got my lab assignments, my notes, my reading assignments, and things like that finished.
I still have two writing assignments and three discussion forums left to go.
I'm pretty sure I can do it though. The great news is I only needed Brett's help with one of my Labsims, which means I'm getting the hang of it now. God, I never did really understand the hardware part of computers. I've always stated I'm computer part illiterate.
I'm tired of crying. I want to be self confident again where I don't care what's going on around me, I'll still have a smile on my face. I used to be like that before I started having all the problems with my anxiety. Today I'm going to start getting my butt back in gear. I'm going to get the rest of my homework done, clean some, go outside for at least five to ten minutes, and probably either watch a movie or get on the Wii. That last one depends on how swollen my foot is at the end of the day. I also want to start taking my vitamin again that I'm supposed to be taking.
I don't want to be "that person" anymore. I want to start being a Tiffy again. I have a pretty good reason other than myself and she's asleep in her bedroom right now. ♥
I'm going to go get more dishes done since Brett hasn't been doing them and I haven't been able to do so. Ugh! I want him to start getting the hints I drop about things getting done. But at least it's only about three or four days worth of things.
23:32 Sep 26 2009
Times Read: 1,155
I've gotten some of my homework done that I needed to get out of the way for this week. I'm going to get a shower though. I'm hoping my leg holds up and I'm going to soak it in warm Epsom salt water to try to get it to feel a little bit better. It's still cold as hell. I'll be getting back to my homework once I'm done though...
Hehe.
I'm going to be wet from a shower, clean and refreshed, naked with only a robe on, chicken in my tummy, and doing homework on my computer!
Isn't that how everyone loves to imagine me?
18:02 Sep 26 2009
Times Read: 1,162
Yesterday I pretty much got my homework for last week done. It's where everything went to hell with Tony, my foot happened, and also everything with Brett.
So I'm just now starting on my homework for this week but at least I can say I'm confident that I can get it done by tomorrow night.
My English assignment is going to pose me the most problems. I have to write about my childhood in a light I'm not used to.
I'm happy to say my professors like me a lot. I'm very thorough in my discussions and assignments. I have a B in my Introduction to Computing class and an A in my Composition I class. I'm pretty happy about it.
Ugh! I wish I could take more then what I'm taking though. But the workloads are there and it's a challenge to get things done if I don't get started on it right away.
Oh, oh, oh! Children of the Corn marathon on Syfy today! I'm watching the fifth one now. Horror movies always make me feel better! ♥
20:33 Sep 25 2009
Times Read: 1,199
Okay, I'm going to say this one time. How the hell is this true?
"DreamlessNight
He offerd 15k for me, now accept and trade me!!! PLEASE"
The coven doesn't even have 15,000 favors to offer for you and I'm just ignoring them now. I'm not going to trade you until I wish to do so or you reach level 100. I'm tired of the bullcrap.
Here's the proof I'm not lying:
And considering how many times they have put in trades of zero favors for you, I'm not willing to do business with them anymore. I don't appreciate the spam my trade log has been getting.
So next time you make a kismet aimed at me, get your facts straight!
:-)
20:11 Sep 25 2009
Times Read: 1,205
Woot woot! Apparently, he's already moved on! I guess Brandy was right, we're nothing but a checkpoint on his highway!
17:03 Sep 24 2009
Times Read: 1,223
My mom's going to watch Aurora for a couple of hours for us.
We both have doctor appointments.
Mine is for my foot/ankle, to check on my blood test for diabetes, and also to see what the last MRI showed on my back.
Ugh! I'm not looking forward to this.
Brett's appointment is for his ear and um something else. I'm not sure what's going on with him. I know that I will be pissed if it comes down to something that might be happening has.
Yeah, I'm talking in circles.
The GOOD Neighbors!
03:45 Sep 24 2009
Times Read: 1,230
We just met our neighbors upstairs on good terms.
:-)
They are pretty awesome. We're planning on taking the Wii up one night and playing games with them. Brett's going up there tomorrow to play some games with Eric on their PS2.
I'm looking forward to becoming friends with them. I know Brett is too... LOL! At least I know if something happens after Brett moves out that all I have to do is scream for them! Someone will come running!
I took pictures of Aurora tonight of her bath time. I can't find my camera cord though to hook it up. I'm hoping to find it in the cords box sometime tomorrow... if not, I'll see how much it is on the site or something.
God, I have a lot of pictures from the past couple of months that I haven't gotten a chance to sort through. Maybe I will sit down this weekend and go through them all. I need to work on Aurora's scrapbook again too! I still can't believe her birthday is in November and she'll be two years old. We're planning on renting out the community center and starting the list of people to send invites to.
I also have one assignment left to do for my homework from last week. I haven't gotten much done from everything else going on.
21:01 Sep 23 2009
Times Read: 1,238
To top off my oh-so-wonderful day... I'm starting my period. Ugh! I feel like shit! Damn it... I used to be lucky enough to NOT have one since I've gotten the implant. What happened?
I'm wondering if it is from all the stress though.
And today I started helping Brett clean a little bit. We're thinking of possibly getting a storage unit for a month or two just enough time to get some of his things out of here and the rest packed... then for him to move out.
I'm trying to organize the apartment more as I start to help him pack his things. It's frustrating packing the books though. There are a few we don't know if they belong to me or him. Most of the classics are mine though and I know a lot of the new age books are mine too. I study, but I don't practice like he does.
I'm also thinking of looking in the paper for a desk for the bedroom. When he moves out, I'm planning on putting a desk in there for me so I can set up a computer of sorts just for me to write on and it won't have any internet connection. Yay!
I'm also thinking about setting up Aurora's bookcase in the hallway for her.
I'm still looking for Tony's things. We found my wallet yesterday. It's no surprise that we found it under the one couch where Tony sat most of the time he was here. Hell, Brett only started sitting at that end about a week before he left, if that. I still haven't found that hoodie he is so concerned about. I feel bad because I can't find it.
And also, I usually don't eat like that. I haven't ate chocolate frosting since I was pregnant and was craving sweets. I'm not planning on doing it again. So yeah, and also I've been getting back on track with my BLAND diet for my stomach. It's helping some though so I can't complain too much.
No flavor for me though. *pouts*
16:21 Sep 23 2009
Times Read: 1,248
So I'm a friend's house right now. I couldn't find the damn hoodie last night or before we left at 6:30 this morning. My friend's asleep so I'm on here and doing some of my homework. At least I can use their computer to get some of it done... it's not mine but it will let me get some done.
Aurora's taking her nap early and Brett's classes don't end until two this evening. At least with everything going on, they might be willing to teach me how to play M:tG by the end of the night! LOL!
Here's to hoping!
:-)
01:03 Sep 23 2009
Times Read: 1,263
Nice conversation between Brett and Tony. I'm posting this here more for my own reference instead of anyone else. I'm also leaving it up for Brett to copy it and one other person that has been helping me.
1. Brett never cut you so I don't know what the hell you would be reporting. The two marks on your stomach where you claim he cut you are just two cat scratches from where you pissed off my Ma-ma kitty! God, at least stop lying!
2. How the hell can the doctor be lying when it was two different doctors that never talked to each other about it? And why the hell did I have to get 9 or 10 x-rays if it was as lightly as you keep on saying it was? What, did I slam my own foot in the damn door? I'm not that psycho!
3. I don't know where your damn hoodie is! Trust me, I don't freakin' want it here. I'm already having Brett get his things out and I'm looking for it when I can get up with my crutches. He's been working on his homework, taking care of me and Aurora, and cooking and cleaning! Hell, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself most of the time because my right foot where you slammed it in the door!
4. Not everything revolves around you! We're not going to be home tomorrow anyway and I don't see where you even think you have the right to demand things from either me or Brett!
5. I'm tired of you. Come to my place and I'm doing like the police said to do and calling them. I was even told by the POLICE DEPARTMENT that I was NOT in the wrong for telling you to get out and timing it so I could get to the emergency room for my foot and ankle! They even saw how it was all bruised up and everything else! That's pretty bad! You can even see some of the damage in the pictures below so I don't even see where you can be claiming you didn't mean to do it or that you shut the door lightly.
Here's the conversation before I rant even more:
"Shadow : When am i getting my hoodie?
fyrestrike2004: When we find it...
Shadow : Kinda needit now...
fyrestrike2004: and ummmm.... where are my memory sticks... Kinda funny that we can't find them now...
Shadow : wtf is a memory stick?
Shadow : Youguyshave both myflash drives
fyrestrike2004: it is a memory card... like the on that goes in her camera, one that goes in my PSP, one that goes in the Wii....
fyrestrike2004: and we are still looking... we have ALOT of cleaning and garbage to go through
Shadow : nevertouched it.
Shadow : i dont even know what itlooks like.
Shadow : remeber
fyrestrike2004: you were the only other one besides me that knew where I put them
Shadow : no...
Shadow : sadly,ididnt
Shadow : I did notpay attention to wereyou put your stuff
fyrestrike2004: you were the only other person in the room when I put them away
Shadow : doesnot mean iknow were they are
fyrestrike2004: well you SAW me put them there, cause you even asked me about it, and now they are missing...
fyrestrike2004: so I am kinda irritated.
Shadow : dude, you watchedmepack.
fyrestrike2004: NOT all of it...
Shadow : I didnt pack unless you 2 were watching
fyrestrike2004: and I am sorry, I offered to help you pack the day before, and you got snappy... so makes me kinda wonder what was in the bag before you started packing
Shadow : only myshit.
fyrestrike2004: kk
Shadow : I dont steal.
Shadow : Myhoddie WAS on theblack couch.
fyrestrike2004: and I am in school all the time, and TIff cant move well, so it will be a while before things get found...
Shadow : i remeber taking itoff, causetiffy mademeupsetthat day
Shadow : no. Ineedmyhoodie soon. or the $50 i payed to get it.
fyrestrike2004: Hell, I am having her family watch aurora while I am at school cause she cant move well enough..
Shadow : so,i canget another one.
fyrestrike2004: we will find it WHEN we find it and have the time to look
Shadow : Youhave timenow.
Shadow : it's very easy. It was on thecouch. Theblackone.
Shadow : I need my hoodie before i move.
fyrestrike2004: actually I do not have the time right now... I am doing homework for 4 classes and my online class, and when I am not doing that, I am looking for a place to live, dealing with my daughter, taking care of Tiff cause of the damage you did, cooking, cleaning, and other things that need to be done for my family
Shadow : It would not take all that long to find it, counsidering i told you exactly were it is.
fyrestrike2004: where it WAS....remember I fucking looked for it when you showed up here... that was the first place that I looked.
Shadow : Then apparently ms Tiffany moved it.
Shadow : Cause thats were i put it.
fyrestrike2004: HOW????WHEN???? When she was hobbling around on crutches? when she was doped out on pain meds???? when exactly????
Shadow : I dont know.
Shadow : But, iremeber clearly were i putit.
Shadow : Remember, it's my safty sweater
Shadow : i remeber werei putit.
fyrestrike2004: How do you remember so clearly now, when we asked you when you showed up here, and you said that you werent sure... convient huh...
Shadow : convient how Tiffyhad the samething happen,were she couldnot remeberon thespot, thencouldlater.
Shadow : ieven toldyou when i was tehre, wereit was
fyrestrike2004: and what about Tiff? the same thing?
Shadow : UGH!
Shadow : point is
Shadow : I WANTMY HOODIE
Shadow : sorry, capsbutton
fyrestrike2004: well 2 things wrong with that...
Shadow : It's MINE
Shadow : or, give me the 50 ipayed for it
Shadow : so i can get a new one
fyrestrike2004: 1) we cant find it right now, cause obviously your memory is faulty cause we cant find it where you said it was..
fyrestrike2004: 2) we told you to make sure that you got all your shit out...
Shadow : cause then you moved it...
Shadow : kinda hard when imbeing pushedout
fyrestrike2004: How, When?
Shadow : andtimed
fyrestrike2004: ohhh but you had enough common sense to wrap your stupid coke glasses with newspaper...
Shadow : there glass....duh
fyrestrike2004: and I am sory that I had to get Tiff to the ER because of her foot, where you slammed it in the door...
Shadow : you were evenbitching atmetohurrywith that
Shadow : i didntslamit
fyrestrike2004: where the doctor said that it had to be deliberate force.
Shadow : well, he lied then apparently
fyrestrike2004: lied...
Shadow : doctorsalso said i was suppose to be starile
Shadow : but, i have a daughter
fyrestrike2004: Tony, the example, you showed me of how you closed the door, that was the one and only time I have ever seen you do it so gently, so dont give me that shit.
Shadow : look, didnt go through allthistrouble to get on line tofight.
Shadow : I goton, to get myhoodie
fyrestrike2004: well we havent found it yet..
Shadow : then findit.
fyrestrike2004: We will find it when we find it...
Shadow : I wasnice enough not to reportyou for cuttingme.
fyrestrike2004: I am not going to fucking work around your schedule
Shadow : so, youshould benice enoughto getmemyhoodie
fyrestrike2004: and I will, when I have to fucking time to look for it.
Shadow : wount take all that long.
Shadow : The apartment aint that big
fyrestrike2004: and I am a busy man tony.... I have RESPONSIBILITIES...
Shadow : It's not in Aurora's room. so, that makesit easyer
fyrestrike2004: are you sure that you didnt fucking lose it?
Shadow : yesh
Shadow : counsideringi didnt haveit when i left theapartment
fyrestrike2004: then if you are sure, then it will be found.... but I will not drop everything and go and find it right now...
Shadow : thenbefore bed.
Shadow : i expectit by 2marrowthen.
fyrestrike2004: BITE me
Shadow : i can wait until 2marrow
Shadow : nothanks.
fyrestrike2004: I already told you that I am not going to fucking work around your goddamn schedule
Shadow : notmy fault i was timed andrushed out.,
fyrestrike2004: you fucking slammed the door on her foot... that is reason enough....
Shadow : no, sadlyi didnt
Shadow : and, i evenforgot 2 movies there too
fyrestrike2004: what movies?
Shadow : but, alli care aboutis myhoodie
Shadow : 2 porno's
fyrestrike2004: great, have no clue where they are
fyrestrike2004: last I saw them they were in your bag
Shadow : Thats not the point.
Shadow : Point is, alli care aboutismy safteyhoodie
fyrestrike2004: and I will find it when I have the time.
Shadow : instead of fighting withme, you couldhave found it.
fyrestrike2004: I am also doing my homework, for the 5th time...
Shadow : myhoodie aint small. Cantbe hardto find.
Shadow : i'mnot reallyworried aboutmy...
Shadow : 2 flashdrives, 2 dvd's, mykorncd, and other stuff ileft
fyrestrike2004: And how much stuff do I have to go through, remember, I am also packing my shit as well... I have ALOT of stuff, and before you ask, I have packed NO clothes so I am sure that your stupid hoodie is not in there...
fyrestrike2004: and I have yet to come across your damn korn cd...
Shadow : look. i just wantmyhoi'll never bother either oneofyouagain.odie. and
fyrestrike2004: and you ran off with TIff's greenday cd...
Shadow : sadly, no
fyrestrike2004: saddly yes...
fyrestrike2004: I remember you even told her that you had it in your cd case.
Shadow : counsidering i didnt.
Shadow : yea, itook itout
Shadow : Put iton her desksomewere
fyrestrike2004: you NEVER went near her desk....
Shadow : yea, i did
Shadow : My hoodie was off, cause milkshake was inmehpocket.
fyrestrike2004: ...
Shadow : yea. it's somewere out there.
fyrestrike2004: and I will find it...
Shadow : and, the nights are getting colder
fyrestrike2004: I realize this, but that cant change the fact that I have things that I have to do for my family... and that takes presidence
Shadow : Like i said, i an gothrough one more nightof this damncold
Shadow : but, im startingto getsick.
fyrestrike2004: and wheeling has 3-4 shelters.
Shadow : good for it.
Shadow : Donno were heelingis
fyrestrike2004: where you are "supposed" to be....
fyrestrike2004: where you told us the other day that is where you were staying...
Shadow : no
Shadow : i said hours away
Shadow : neversaid were
fyrestrike2004: hours... great... sounds like multiple... more then 2.. that means 3 towns...
fyrestrike2004: bellaire, st clairsville, and wheeling... all have shelters.
Shadow : Butnot myhoodie
Shadow : is hati need
Shadow : *what
fyrestrike2004: and I do not have it on hand...
Shadow : it's in YOUR place
fyrestrike2004: It is SOMEWHERE in the house, and the message on VR that you sent me.... Where the hell do you think I looked when you came here last... I am not that fucking stupid
Shadow : I cant even get on vr
fyrestrike2004: well you sent me a message on VR, and you were getting on VR earlier...
Shadow : Saysitcant find it
Shadow : were
Shadow : past tense
fyrestrike2004: 12:18:07
Sep 22 2009
fyrestrike2004: that is when the message was sent...
Shadow : like i said
Shadow : past tense
fyrestrike2004: well, I havent responded to it..
fyrestrike2004: cause I am talking to you on here..
Shadow : ok?
fyrestrike2004: fine. whatever
Shadow : i cant even geton vr
fyrestrike2004: dont care...
fyrestrike2004: your issue, not mine
Shadow : duh.
Shadow : but, itis your issue your withholding myhoodie,andmymail from me
Shadow : te ail you lost
Shadow : **the mail youlost
fyrestrike2004: We can find neither, and I am looking for it all,.... give me a break... Tony, you left after hurting Tiff BADDLY and I have to deal with taking care of a cripple and an infant.....
Shadow : correction....
Shadow : iwasforced out.
fyrestrike2004: She said that she gave you your mail, you cannot prove otherwise and I am tending to believe her more then you right now
fyrestrike2004: whatever...
Shadow : counsidering she neverdid
Shadow : Look, i didnot come on 2fight
fyrestrike2004: Well, I believe her more then you
Shadow : brb
fyrestrike2004: then dont.
fyrestrike2004: fine
Shadow : Back
Shadow has signed back in. (9/22/2009 7:07 PM)
fyrestrike2004: kk
Shadow : Dang net
Shadow : Look. I promise to leave you both alone, as soon as i have my hoodie. I'm only asking for whats mine.
fyrestrike2004: and I am telling you that I do not know where it is... and I am looking for it when I have the time
fyrestrike2004: damn, cant be more blunt then that
Shadow : dude. Take 30 min break from homeworkandfindit
fyrestrike2004: If I take a break, I am never going to get back to it..
Shadow : Yes you will.
Shadow : Do it for Aurora! do your homework for her!
Shadow : lol
fyrestrike2004: careful, do not push my buttons
Shadow : i not.
Shadow : I do shit, for others.
Shadow : Like, imgetting a better life, to becomemore stable,formy daughter
fyrestrike2004: need to get that anger in check...
Shadow : I do got itin check.
fyrestrike2004: and TIff's foot?
fyrestrike2004: what was that?
Shadow : an accedent
Shadow : How are you doing homework, and replying sofast?
fyrestrike2004: because I am reading Text....
Shadow : oh
Shadow : lol
Shadow : Look, Brett, somehow, i still Love Tiffany.
Shadow : kinda the reasonicant sleep atnight
fyrestrike2004: an accident...
fyrestrike2004: some fucking accident...
fyrestrike2004: and brandy in walmart? caught on camera?
fyrestrike2004: what was that, another accident?
Shadow : I'd lovetoseethefootage
fyrestrike2004: wouldnt we all.... that would be mainstage in the forum
Shadow : Good for the forum
fyrestrike2004: Well, here, I will end the Conversation with this... I will make it blunt and simple... I will look for it when I have the time, and I will get it to you when I can
Shadow : Idc bout Tiffanys Covenanymore.
Shadow : She needs to trademe.
Shadow : remeber, her and me arenot suppose to talk
Shadow : I was nice enough not to call or contact the cops whenyou cut me...TWICE!
Shadow : ithought you'd have enough respect to do thisvery last thing, and getme my hoodie.
fyrestrike2004: and we will trade you, when our requirements are met, and kindly tell bleach to quit fucking spamming the trades...
Shadow : He wantsme.
Shadow : Tell him 15k
Shadow : LMAO
fyrestrike2004: DID..
Shadow : ad?
fyrestrike2004: he said that he wasnt paying for you
Shadow : lmao...shit.
fyrestrike2004: I forwarded you the message on VR so when you get back on... you will see that I am not lying
Shadow : ok.
Shadow : lol
fyrestrike2004: he sent 4 trades almost repeatedly
Shadow : lol.
Shadow : I have to go.
fyrestrike2004: bye
Shadow : I'll message you 2marro about were we can meet for you to either give me 50 dollars, ormy hoodie.
fyrestrike2004: and I will tell you know, I am not paying for it.
Shadow : Then i better get it.
fyrestrike2004: You left it here, you will get it when I find it
Shadow : before i mov
Shadow : i didnt leaveit...
fyrestrike2004: if I find it before then
Shadow : i was forced out,and could not grab it
Shadow : hell
Shadow : i forgot my silenze shirtin the bedroom
fyrestrike2004: okay, and???? if I find it I will put it in with your shit to give to you...
Shadow : immoving soon.
Shadow : Look2night b4 bed
Shadow : please
fyrestrike2004: okay and... I have shit to do, I will look if I have the time.
Shadow: tty later.
fyrestrike2004: Hell, I generally go to bed at 10 now..
fyrestrike2004: bye"
18:55 Sep 22 2009
Times Read: 1,272
The pictures of the damage to my foot that I promised. I can't find my cable for my camera so I used the webcam a few minutes ago.
The bruise on my scar:
Nice, huh?
And I tried walking on my foot today, well tried stepping on it while standing. My leg gave out automatically. So I guess I'm still going to be on crutches for the next day or two. Hopefully not longer then that!
01:27 Sep 22 2009
Times Read: 1,284
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I can't seem to get above a 75% on my quizzes for my introduction to computing class!
Even Brett doesn't know most of the answers to the questions... 12 damn off the wall questions!
I'm going insane from this one damn class!
I still have one discussion forum, an assignment, and my labs to do for it but I'm going to wait until tomorrow to get them done!
I have a headache. I'm lazy. I've ate a whole thing of chocolate frosting today... God, why did I put that?
14:06 Sep 21 2009
Times Read: 1,291
I have a shitload of homework to do and even though I'm in pain, I can't take a pain pill today. I absolutely have to get all of this work done no matter what. God, I feel like I'm going insane.
I also want to work on my personal journal some later today but it doesn't look like that is happening for the most part. Since I haven't been able to write in it for a little while, I printed out some of my typed journal entries on here to place in there.
I keep on listening to one song. I can even hear it in my dreams. It hits home on how Brett and Tony make me feel right now. I hate how much it does hit home for me. They start to go after him even if he bumps my leg by accident. The most defensive kitties are Ma-ma, Fuzzy, and Shadow. None of them like leaving my side.
I wish I could make them and me feel better. I wish I wouldn't be so damn scared now. Hell, I wish I could sleep through the night without waking up and going through the apartment to make sure he isn't here.
I feel so horrible. I look like shit. No motivation at all. I need a fire started under my ass I guess... who wants to strike that match?
00:24 Sep 21 2009
Times Read: 1,307
It feels weird now trying to do my homework without someone making me feel bad about it. How many times did he make me feel like I was ignoring him because I wanted to do homework instead of talking and cuddling?
I'm still getting up at night and even when I took a nap today just to make sure he's not here.
I feel so pathetic and scared.
15:50 Sep 20 2009
Times Read: 1,325
So much has been going on lately. I just feel so lost. Tony stopped by yesterday. I didn't call the cops though. I tried to find his hoodie and phone charger. I couldn't find the hoodie though. i have somewhere for me and Aurora to go tomorrow so we're both safe since I still can't walk on my right foot.
And I told Tony yesterday that I filed a report on him and that if he does come back, I will call the police.
I came to terms with something last night. I guess it's for the best. I won't be writing about it in here though since I was asked not to.
I'm thinking of applying for the social security soon. My therapist was talking with me about it again.
I'm going to be off of here for most of today. I have lots of homework to do. I haven't been able to get it done because of things going on and then my foot.
Oh and I got a new notebook! ♥
It's horrible how much a notebook that goes with my personality can cheer me up a little bit!
02:00 Sep 19 2009
Times Read: 1,359
It's said and done. He hurt me by slamming my foot and leg in the door. It hit where my big toe goes into my foot and my ankle where my heel cord is. He hurt me IN FRONT of my daughter. I'm done. I made him get out. He had about 30 minutes before my mom and step-dad came to get Aurora so Brett could take me to the emergency room.
He's not allowed back here.
I had to get a total of 9 x-rays done. They only think it's not fractured but the doctor said the radiologist can't be sure. Either way, I'm not supposed to walk on it for a damn week! Brett's having my bestest friend, Jared to come over in case he shows up.
I filed a police report and I'm not above getting a restraining order against him. The doctor even told Brett that the door had to hit with enough force to have to be intentional. Nice, huh?
I don't think I'm going to help anyone I meet on here again. I'm probably not even going to meet anyone else from here except maybe four people. I'm pretty sure they know who they are!
My leg hurts clear up to my hip though. I can't put any pressure on it because my heel cord gives out. I can't even take care of my daughter for a week.
He even had the nerve to say that I could get charged if something happened to him on the streets because I kicked him out knowing he didn't have anywhere to go. He said it was called endangering another person's life. The police even reassured me that I can't be charged with it or anything else since I've been trying to get him out of here and told him to leave UNTIL he would pull guilt trips on me and tell me everything else I wanted to hear including "I'm sorry," "It won't happen again," "I'll work on my anger even more," and my personal favorite right now "You never loved me, just admit it, you don't even care!"
Yeah, if you all want to believe I didn't care about him or I played a mind game on him, go ahead. I'm tired of his stupid shit though. He hurt me physically. He hurt me on purpose. He hurt me IN FRONT of my daughter who is not even TWO YEARS OLD. I can't deal with him in my apartment anymore.
If you want to believe him then why don't you take him in and find out for yourself. I agree with Brandy now. I'm sorry I ever doubted you!
I'm going to post pictures of my foot tomorrow sometime. I hate how much it hurts and I have to watch how I lay with it.
And the horrible thing is...
I still love him.
I still care.
I feel horrible about kicking him out.
And if it wasn't for my foot being so hurt and my daughter so scared, I would have let him stay.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.
I just wish I could hate him.
17:53 Sep 18 2009
Times Read: 1,389
Tony's leaving now. He slammed my foot in the door. I'm probably going to go to the er.
Goodbye!
18:05 Sep 17 2009
Times Read: 1,412
Fine! He wants me to be a bitch! I don't care anymore. I won't ever talk to him again either online or in voice. He can get the fuck out of my apartment and lose my fuckin' number. I don't want him here. He's not welcomed. Maybe he will learn not to push people's buttons anymore.
Hell, anyone who knows me on here or even in person is probably going to find it hard to believe that I won't and don't care if he goes on the streets anymore. It's on him! I gave him the number to Salvation Army, I had him go and get an application for this apartment complex (that he still hasn't talked to them about!) and I've even told him about organizations in Wheeling that will help him. But nope! It's considered me running from my problems when I just want him out.
It's sad when about three days ago he said I can't kick him out because I'm too nice! He said that he was just humoring me when he asked his friends for a place to stay!
Yeah, well, humor this!
Fuck you!
You told me how Brandy always treated you like shit and about all of these other girls that did the same. You told me how they didn't really care about you for the most part and how they all lied to you about something or another. Well, I guess I'm siding with them because I doubt they were as bad as you made them out to be.
You want to claim I used you.
Fine, go ahead. Just know that I never did. There's a reason why I never freakin' accepted money off of you. I don't use people!
Let's see here... in all reality you used me for:
*A way out of your relationship with Brandy.
*A person you could always come to listen to and get pity from.
*A place to stay.
*Food.
*Sex.
*Drinks
*Rides from point A to point B. Like getting your shit from Uniontown.
*And just another girl willing to take your shit.
I'm sorry Brandy that I ever doubted you. I won't be talking to him again probably. Other than to tell him to get the fuck out!
Good fuckin' bye, Tony. Don't ever come running to me again after you even told me I was the only friend you could rely on. You lost that right to come to me for help! And think whatever you want to think. Tell whatever lies make you feel better with your friends. I don't care anymore because I know more of the truth than you will say.
19:12 Sep 16 2009
Times Read: 1,429
He sat on my baby blankie... NO ONE sits on my baby blankie!
It's mine!
*Yes, I'm still very much attached to it. I still sleep with it when I have nightmares. When I'm really scared in my own apartment, I wrap myself up in it. I even took it to the hospital with me when I was induced for Aurora!*
00:26 Sep 16 2009
Times Read: 1,447
A list of my worries and fears right at this moment I wrote in a message to Tony:
"And you need to stop fighting with me about you eating. Like I told Brett, I feel like I'm trying to deal with everything. I'm dealing with him and worried sick about him. I'm dealing with you being scared too, your mood swings, trying to work on things with you, and being worried sick about you since you haven't been eating or drinking like you are supposed to be doing so. I'm trying to take care of Aurora more since I seem to be the only one who is actually here right now since you are both so scared and can't even deal with your own issues. I'm dealing with my classes and trying to work things out with my homework AND my financial aide. I'm trying to deal with knowing my nephew is being left for hours by himself. I'm worried about what happens if I have a flashback when you and Brett are not here and Aurora seeing me! Worse yet, I'm worried I'm going to relive memories like I did that night about being raped. How is Aurora going to react if she sees or even hears me screaming like that without her dad here explaining to her that mommy is having a nightmare? What happens if my daughter tries to shake me because I'm having a flashback and I strike her as a normal reaction? What the hell happens if I'm having a recall to my memories as my therapist put it and I'm stuck in my memories for days at a time and Aurora is here? What happens if I need someone or something drastically and I can't call out for anyone to help me? What happens if I can't even volunteer for the animal shelter without having a nervous breakdown? Brett told me he wasn't going to be moving out until he gets his pell grant for Winter quarter which would be February and yet he's planning on moving out around late November or early December. I'm scared of being alone. I can't stop puking and even this time, there was blood in it. I'm scared to death of what the scope is going to show. I'm scared that the medicine isn't going to help me. I'm worried about whether or not I have the determination anymore to lose weight that I need to get off of my body. I can't bring myself to call my one doctor to see if I have diabetes for fuck sakes! Every time I say something to you, I say the wrong things. Every time I tell you something, you claim I'm yelling at you. I'm so scared to speak without thinking or speaking period because I'm trying to control my moods. I'm actually terrified that I'm going to be diagnosed with bi-polar now that another therapist believes I have it. I'm scared of becoming a robot from so many medicines being prescribed to me. I'm worried about October coming up. I'm just fuckin' scared and worried in general and definitely about going the heck outside the apartment door!
Enough wrong?"
00:06 Sep 16 2009
Times Read: 1,450
Oh nice! Now I have kismets meant for me now!
DreamlessNight
Tiffy, i need sex. BEND OVER!"
19:25 Sep 15 2009
Times Read: 1,459
I'm writing this journal entry since I got home from two appointments not too long ago. They were my therapist and also my gastroentrologist (sp?). My therapy appointment went really good. She edited my notes for my insurance and also my notes for my psychiatrist. She put down how she thinks I might be bi-polar and she wants me screened for it. God, just another thing to add to the list! My digestive system doctor thinks that I might have an ulcer which would explain me puking up blood a lot. I'm now not supposed to drink any pop, eat any chocolate, greasy, or spicy foods, or drink alcohol. He also told me that I need to limit as much stress as possible. If I don't it's going to end with me in the damn hospital with bleeding ulcers. He scheduled me for a scope in November. They couldn't fit me in any sooner but if the medicine he prescribed me doesn't work, I'm supposed to go to the hospital. I can do without that. He also said I need to get some weight off. I feel so fat right now because of my low self-esteem. I officially weigh 258 pounds. I'm wondering how much BMI that is... I don't know. I'm going to get off of here and continue to do my homework. Once done with that, I'm probably going to end up cleaning. I need more time to get everything done!
21:52 Sep 13 2009
Times Read: 1,494
Right now, Tony is still here. I can't see kicking him out on the streets since I do love him. I'm not even sure he understands how much I love him but I don't even know how to show it to him. We've been trying to talk things out but as it stands right now, he doesn't know whether he is going to be staying or not. I know he's gotten touchy about some things that have happened today already. This morning he got upset because I wouldn't cuddle with him and yet, he never asked me if I had nightmares or not. That's the reason why I didn't want the cuddles though... is because of my nightmares. He's gotten upset because I got out of bed to do my homework. He also keeps on trying to say that he'll go to the bedroom when all I've been trying to do is get it through his head that I can talk but I do need to continue on my homework and in a few ways, he's helping me with it all. I don't know what's going to happen. It's all up in the wind right now.
19:53 Sep 12 2009
Times Read: 1,517
I told him to get out. I can't stand this. Screw giving him a chance. When I was trying to explain something today, he had the nerve to say "I'm sorry I wasn't raped as a child." Right there I couldn't even think. He knows how I feel about my past. He knows that he was on a thin line anyways. Hell, he doesn't even think I care about him as it stands. And yet I love him insanely and he's too blinded by whatever the fuck to even see it. Screw this! If he doesn't even think I care, then why the hell do I?
That's right, because I can't stop caring about anyone. Even the people that have hurt me in the past. Fuck this shit though! He can find some other place. I'm tired of this bullshit day after day. I'm tired of worrying about what I say just so I don't hurt him by some unseen force. I'm tired of freakin' feeling like I'm doing everything wrong because his moods change more than the wind. I'm tired of all of this and more. I just want to escape and the sad thing is I'm about to just hide until after he leaves.
He's the one that said on the day I said I would give him a chance that if he did something to hurt me like this again that I was to tell him to get out by nine oclock and not to change my mind. I guess he's getting his wish because I can't overlook this one. I don't even know how to grasp this situation right now! I don't even know how to cope! I'm so pissed off right now that I can't be compassionate! All I know is I'm tired of this! I would never say something like that to him! No matter how much he hurts me or angers me I don't use his past to my advantage. And yet, it's so easy for him to do it to me? Maybe it isn't me that doesn't care, maybe it's just a mirror that he is seeing and he's the one that doesn't care. I'm so stupid and foolish for thinking I could work on things with him. Since day one he's been saying that we weren't going to be together that he had a sensing about it. He kept saying that this would happen and I guess it has. I'm tired of all of this. I'm going back to talk to Brett again while I can.
23:28 Sep 10 2009
Times Read: 1,536
I thought I would go ahead and put in here that Tony has one last chance here. He's not allowed being an ass from hell. I'm scared to death that I'm not even going to be able to give him a fair chance. But I guess time will tell all. I feel paralyzed by what the future brings.
16:47 Sep 08 2009
Times Read: 1,565
I told DreamlessNight, he has to get out. I'm tired of dealing with Tony's bullshit moods. I'm tired of him treating me like shit. I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of not feeling safe in my own apartment.
I'm tired of wanting to cry because of what he says to me.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
And I'm tired of him acting like I can't even talk to Brett about things when that's one of the only things that calms me down.
I'm just sick of it all!
22:22 Sep 05 2009
Times Read: 1,599
"You failed the test with a score of 80%.
You can retake the test after 30 days has passed."
I missed one question too many.
I like the way it's set up now. If I can't pass it, I don't deserve to hold the title of it!
I'll start studying up on things yet again and take it in 30 days!
:-)
20:24 Sep 05 2009
Times Read: 1,602
Nothing can really make these feelings go away.
Writing in my real life journal... trying to escape.
18:30 Sep 05 2009
Times Read: 1,608
I want to beat my mom right now. They took her for about four hours yesterday. They took her to eat during that time!
What the hell did they feed her?!?
She exploded all over her room. I couldn't even help clean her up fully. Brett and Tony are dealing with the mess now. I feel horrible because my legs almost gave out.
God, there is corn and ham and things... in her shit! It's on her NEW bed, in her hair, in her mouth, on the carpet, the walls, her toys, and EVERYTHING!
What the hell...
16:59 Sep 04 2009
Times Read: 1,625
Yay! My daughter just said her name clear as day for the very first time!
Aurora!
18:59 Sep 03 2009
Times Read: 1,651
I've been doing nothing but cleaning. I did over seven loads of clothes yesterday and they are almost all put away. I just have the towels and Tony's clothes to put away yet. I've been cleaning the bedroom today. It's horrible in there for sure. At least I'm almost done in there.
Tony's been wanting me to put his television and coffee table in there so we can watch a movie or two in the bedroom or play video games back there.
I need to shave my legs. It's bugging me.
Aurora has been a handful but I was taking care of her most of yesterday until Brett got home. I'm proud of that.
I'm also proud that I stayed out in public for almost 4 hours by myself! I haven't been able to do that in over two years so it means a lot to me.
Another thing on my mind lately is dealing with Brett. I feel like he's trying to just prepare me for him to leave. I feel like I don't even have a chance with him anymore. He's going to move out no matter what. He's going to get his own place. He wants to be on his own for a little while.
Don't get me wrong. It gives me the chance to be on my own, meaning no one else here. He is still going to pay the bills since I CAN'T get a job right now with my anxiety so high. This whole situation is making me realize that I do need to deal with it and find some way of coping.
But I can't help but think he's just trying to let me down easy. That he's going to be going ahead and move out of state to be with someone else. That's he's just trying to spare my feelings and make sure I don't have a nervous breakdown over him leaving me.
In all of this, Tony is on the same amount of my mind. I've been working things out with him. He understands why I want him to get his own place. He will probably stay over here most nights out of the week. It's not me saying I want him out or that I don't want to be with him. I just don't want anyone to deal with me how I am right now. It's bad enough he's already seen me in flashbacks, among other things.
I don't know what's going to happen. I know that I'm scared to death since I planned my whole life around being with Brett and Aurora. I planned on marrying him. We even planned out the house we want to look for or even build later on. We planned on how we were going to move to Pittsburgh. We planned on how he was going to be a network administrator up there and I was going to be part of the alliance that I have fallen in love with. We had even planned on when we were going to get him a car and go visit his dad and step-mom again.
That's all changed. It's all gone right now.
No matter how much I want it all back, I can't even get it. I don't even know what has to happen for me and Brett to get back together. I love Tony but Aurora is going to be hurt without her mom and dad together and I know it. I want her to have both her mom and dad in the same place but I don't want us to just be together and stay together for appearances sake. I don't want to hurt anyone with what's on my mind, especially Tony or Brett. But I know that it's going to no matter how hard I try not to. Right now I just feel like I can't stop fucking up with one thing or the other.
I know there are people reading my journal that saying "I told you so" as they read my journal entries. The only thing I have to say to that is you don't know the whole story no matter how much I write in here, no matter how many details I put in here, and no matter how much I rant in here about everything happening.
We all three want nothing more than to be a family together. That's all. It's just up to us to try to get back to what we were before everything started happening.
God, I think I need to stop typing.
18:41 Sep 02 2009
Times Read: 1,678
I'm thinking about getting my eyebrow pierced. I'm not sure.
I also want to get a tattoo within the next few years. I want to start forming a friendship with a tattoo artist. I want to look at their work and decide based on that. Plus I want to trust them with everything that I am.
I want a tattoo that is a symbol of my past. I already know what it is probably going to look like in a way. I also want a butterfly incorporated into it. I want to be able to see it.
It's for me.
No one else.
I'm not sure where I want to get it.
And maybe I'll end up getting snakebites. I love the look of them. I'm not sure they would look right now me.
LOL!
Just maybe.
16:26 Sep 02 2009
Times Read: 1,694
I'm going to kill Tony for all of this with him asking people if he can stay there. He understands where I'm coming from now for the most part at least.
Brett's going to move out no matter what. He's going to rent to own a house up here where we live. That way if him and I work things out, we have a house to live in. And if we don't, he has his own place and he can still take Aurora for stays and everything. He would be close.
It gives me the opportunity to be by myself and forces me to deal with my anxiety on another level. I need to do this for myself and for my daughter.
How am I supposed to fully be there for my daughter when I'm scared to death to step outside my apartment door? How am I supposed to go to take her to her first day of school or doctor appointments by myself if I can't deal with being by myself?
I need this.
I'm not throwing Tony out. I'm trying to help him, me and Brett at the same time.
I know this isn't going to be easy on any of us. But what's going to happen if Brett and I don't work out and Tony and I decide to just be really close friends...
Where will that leave me?
Alone.
I need to be able to live on my own with no one else here. That way I have the security of knowing I can do this.
It's not even about Tony. It's not about Brett. It's about me and my daughter.
I'm honestly scared to death of facing my fears of being alone but I believe I can do this.
My anxiety has been raising back up with Tony snapping the past three weeks and Brett and me just being friends.
I'm proud of Tony though. Yesterday he only snapped once and it wasn't even that bad.
Today he's done good too. He knows he's on thin ice with me about the snapping but he's getting better. It's for himself and not for me.
But it makes me feel a little better knowing that he's seeing where he's been a dick to me for the past three weeks and I'm not crazy! LOL!
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