The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

03:54 Oct 31 2011
Times Read: 758

Aurora has been loving this whole trick-or-treating thing. Her dress hasn't been cooperating though.



I'll be posting some pictures on facebook tomorrow night or the day after if we get home late. She's going again.



And I'll make sure to put one or two on here. =)



She had fun at the Halloween party but she doesn't know how to act with over 60 people talking loudly in a smaller dining hall. She felt lost a few times and got in trouble more than a few for acting out. Oh and told if she didn't act right, I would take her home and we would go trick-or-treating at all this evening because she kicked me in the knee while we were waiting in line for her to get her cupcake. She doesn't like lines.



Big surprise!



I'm hurting. The backs of my ankles (heel cord areas) are killing me pretty badly.



Tomorrow is my MCT. The doctor said he's pretty sure I have asthma. Well, there's another entry on this... somewhere below... skim down if interested. LOL!



I'm playing the one browser game I used to play and I've missed it so much! I've been loving it!



I'm getting into the second branch of Knights. They're an alliance who ranks as 5 on the site and I can't wait until the end of the game! Let those Naters come! Heck yeah!



I've been building troops since we got home tonight. I've gotten them up enough to get into that second chapter. If I'm good enough and space opens up, I'll so be in the Knights and not Knights Squared.



I still feel bad for leaving MORTALS though. I feel like I bailed. My army was 24 hours from them. They couldn't help me if something ever happened on my end and my reinforcements took forever to get to them.



The only bad thing about it is the whole men finding out I have a vagina and not listening to a word I say. Just cause I'm a woman doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. Ugh! Like U-G-H!



I need to get to bed. *yawns* Later.

05:07 Oct 27 2011
Times Read: 763

Yesterday, we got all of Aurora's birthday shopping done and her Christmas shopping is done too... on layaway and a few things here hidden.



She hasn't been wanting a birthday party to be planned for the past few weeks. My mom and I have been talking about it.



Well this morning, she sneaked into our bedroom closet that is latched with two long, bent-over nails right now that we turn when we want to get into the closet... one midway up it and one at the top. It works, what can I say! LOL! It's the redneck way, I guess!



Anyway, she got into one of the bags (since I didn't have the chance to put them in a box on one of the shelves before she got up) and got out the Dora guitar.



I explained to her that she wasn't supposed to get in there and it was supposed to be a surprise for her birthday party. It's a present for her from mommy and daddy.



So now... guess who wants that party?



Guess who can't wait until the 6th?



Oh, we're having it early so my nephews can attend. =) Explanation there since Aurora's birthday is on the 14th.



I think I may have to sneak those gifts up to my mother's house in the middle of the night sometime or something. *shifty eyes*



She FINALLY got her costume for Halloween! Woot! It's been a nightmare with her this year.



She picked out right away last year what she wanted. And she knew what she wanted somewhat this year... but first we didn't have the money and since then they didn't have her size. Dang Wal-mart!



A Monarch Butterfly is what she wanted. Four total trips in two weeks to Wal-mart looking for this costume in her size.



I got her to decide on something else tonight with SIX trips to the Halloween costume aisle and some talks going through her favorite fish and Christmas sections. She decided between five different outfits she liked. And got the "Princess" as she calls it... but it's called the "Southern Belle." It's cute and I don't have to hem it to fit her at all. I'm happy. I tried it on her tonight. It fits so freakin' well... she wanted to sleep in it. Poor pretty, pretty princess!



I love my Princess Aurora even when she's covered in mud and snot.



=)



Oh and ketchup... she ALWAYS has to have ketchup! ♥

05:14 Oct 25 2011
Times Read: 769

I can't deal with seeing that last night. I've been avoiding it like crazy. It's probably best if I do.



Brett's class this evening was canceled and I slept all evening. I'm depressed. Overly depressed.



I can't stand the thought of petting those two rats right now. The thought disgusts me and makes me want to vomit.



I vented to a close friend earlier today. I wanted to place this here so that I have it and it doesn't get lost in my sent messages.



"Extremely horrible night. I don't know how to process it at all like I said. My mom was telling me about her and my dad having a rabbit that ate all of her babies. I've had a cat that has done that... but I expected it. We've had the boys together for months upon months! At least seven months and there's only been one small fight where Fat Rat had a scratch on his ear and it was over the last piece of a popcorn ball I broke up for them. I spoil my rats. I don't understand why it happened. They weren't hungry or thirsty or competing for space. All I can think of is I haven't been handling the haired rats as much because of my breathing... and now I don't want to touch them at all. I've been in the situation where my dog killed one of my cats but I dealt with that. I buried my cat. It didn't eat it! It didn't seem vicious. They left his nose, ate everything including organs except bones clear down to about half an inch below the bottom rib. There was no muscle or meat or anything left on the bones they were only stained red. Eyes, tongue, ears, everything... gone... FUCKING GONE! ATE! How can I comprehend that?



Thank god my three year old didn't find it, huh?



At least I've cried all I can cry early this morning. I slept in until 10:30 am with her. She came out of her room, got in the fridge, ate a slice of cheese, got on the couch, watched about 10 minutes of a cartoon and went back to bed at about 7 o'clock... that's when I went back to bed until the phone woke us both back up at 10:30."

Aurora has this thing about eating cheese when she's sick or not feeling good. We put it in the door of the fridge. The one drawer of the fridge is full of juice pouches for her and she also loves getting her own kool-aid with supervision of course on that one (it's in a sun tea container).

How do I cope with this? Do I keep avoiding it until it's a little more distant? Although that image is really vivid in my mind every time I fall asleep.



I've dealt with my cats eating their kittens all of my life. I can always deal with that kind of stuff. But what the hell was this about? Jealousy?



What the fuck?



God, I don't want to go to sleep. I really don't.



I have an appointment with my therapist on the 8th and I wish I would have snapped a picture just so when she asked me what's wrong when I go in there exhausted I could just show her. That just seemed disrespectful to me... and wrong. Oh so WRONG. I don't want a reminder of that. I love my Milky. I want to remember him playing and getting treats off of Aurora. Not being half-eaten and so freaking cold. I don't want to remember all the gnaw marks on the ribs. Hell his skull was barely there! The whole thing was just sick! Horribly sick!



I hate this. I really do.



I guess I got my wish last night was the first night in a long time I didn't have any nightmares about my past. Damn it. Just damn it.

18:10 Oct 24 2011
Times Read: 772

I don't know how to process it.



We had three male rats grouped together in a large cage. They've never fought and always been friendly.



Last night, Brett and I were fooling around way too late and I got up off the bed and went to turn on the light... after turning it on, I turned around and started back towards the bed, I looked in the cage and freaked out.



The two haired rats killed and ate half of our hairless rat.



I lost it. I couldn't comprehend the situation. I couldn't calm down.



They had plenty of food and water.



The only thing we can think of is we haven't been able to give them that much attention since Brett's gotten this job and my breathing has gotten worse. I've been petting the hairless more because it was Aurora's favorite.



My mom even thinks it was a dominance thing.



I just can't believe it.



Of course I'm not freakin' telling Aurora the truth on this one. I can't. I've told her the truth on everything else. The deaths of family members who got sick (cancer) and passed away, the bunny who got sick from the heat and died, how animals kill others to eat and live, but I just can't see telling her the truth on this one. There wasn't a point in my eyes on this.



What the hell Boots and Fat Rat? What the fuck!



Brett said to let them loose in the woods "its apparent they would survive."



No, it's not. I won't let any animal go in the wild when they've been raised in a domestic environment. Putting cats outside when you're still giving them food and water is a totally different story and they all found new homes. People in town took them in so I'm happy I did it since I know they were taken care of instead of taking them to the shelter.



My mom is talking to my aunt about finding a home for Fat Rat or Boots. I won't keep both of them. My dad always said once an animal tasted blood, it'll go for it again. We don't have a spare cage for a rat.



I'm just happy it was me discovering it instead of Aurora or me when Brett wasn't here and it was just me and Aurora.



I kept crying and honestly freaking. I couldn't calm. It seemed like something out of a horror movie. It definitely didn't seem real. I had just petted him earlier that day.



.... This is when I hate how much animals and humans are alike.



I love you my Milky rat. I'm going to miss you.

03:55 Oct 20 2011
Times Read: 782

A Monkey Remains on the Loose After 56 Animals Are Released From Ohio Preserve



Published October 19, 2011 | FoxNews.com



Authorities in Ohio said they successfully killed 49 of the 56 animals that were released from a wild-animal preserve, ranging from brown bears to Bengal tigers, before any reported injuries in the area.



The body of a gray wolf was reportedly recovered Wednesday afternoon, leaving only a monkey, likely infected with Herpes-B, the only missing animal still on the loose.



Sheriffs in Zanesville, Ohio, a mostly rural area about 55 miles east of Columbus, have been working with zoo officials and wildlife expert Jack Hanna and agreed on a shoot-to-kill order, considering the immediate danger presented to the community.



"If you had 18 Bengal tigers running around this area, you folks wouldn't want to see what would happen," Hanna said at a press conference.



The deceased animals include a wolf, six black bears, two grizzly bears, nine male lions, eight lionesses, a baboon, three mountain lions and 18 tigers, authorities said. They were buried at the location they were killed.



Authorities were able to transport six animals to the Columbus Zoo, a grizzly bear, three leopards and two monkeys.



The animals escaped from the Muskingum County Animal Farm in Zanesville after the owner threw their cages open and committed suicide, authorities said.



Mike Dodd with the Muskingum County Sheriff's Office told FoxNews.com that authorities are urging the public to "keep your eyes open."



Schools were also closed, parents were warned to keep children and pets indoors and flashing signs along highways told motorists, "Caution exotic animals" and "Stay in vehicle."



Neighbor Danielle White, whose father's property abuts the Muskingum County Animal Farm, said she didn't see loose animals this time but did in 2006, when a lion escaped.



"It's always been a fear of mine knowing (the owner) had all those animals," she said. "I have kids. I've heard a male lion roar all night."



The owner of the preserve, Terry Thompson, left the cages open and the fences unsecured, releasing dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears and wolves, before committing suicide, said Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz. His body was discovered in the driveway.



Authorities would not say how he killed himself and no suicide note was found. Lutz wouldn't speculate on why he committed suicide. But Thompson had had repeated run-ins with the law, and Lutz said the sheriff's office had received numerous complaints since 2004 about animals at the property.



Authorities had difficulty entering the property because wild animals could be seen at its entrance, authorities said. The first responding officers used their handguns to help contain the animals.



"This is a bad situation," the sheriff said. "It's been a situation for a long time."



FoxNews.com's Cristina Corbin and the Associated Press contributed to this report.



Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/10/19/exotic-animals-on-loose-in-ohio-after-park-owner-found-dead/#ixzz1bHqBpCOP



________________________________________



This upsets me to the point of crying. I love animals. Zanesville isn't that fair from us... only about an hour away.



I guess at least they saved a few animals.



=(

I *CAN'T* Breathe!
00:47 Oct 18 2011
Times Read: 788

My lung capacity is 50%. The doctor for my breathing is pretty sure I have asthma and it's gone undiagnosed for a long while.



I have to get another blood test for different things. I just had one done today for the neurologist to see what the acidity of my blood is and monitor it. But this newer order is for different things completely... involving my breathing markers, I guess. LOL!



I have to get an MCT. In that they will give me medication five times to try to provoke the asthma. It will be proof to the insurance I have it and how bad it is. He explained that it may not take all five doses of the medication because if my lung capacity gets down to 20% or below, the test stops.



At least I'm not nervous about the test. The emergency room is right there. If something would happen or come up... I'm in the right spot to be treated.



They're talking about increasing my dose of steroids. I'm kind of upset about that. My voice is changing already... among other things. It's frustrating and upsetting at times.



I've been on a form of steroids for the better part of two months now. I want off of the inhalers but I can't breathe otherwise.



This sucks.



But at least I've now officially seen this doctor. That's something.



=)



I made it to the appointment without going to the emergency room for my breathing again. I'm happy with that although there's been a couple of mornings I should of gone.



My coughing in the morning is horrid. I can't walk from the porch up the hill to my car without having problems breathing. I'm out of breath trying to keep up with Aurora. I wake up from sleeping to coughing and needing my inhaler.



I like this doctor. He's not as much of an asshole as when I first met him while my mom was working long term care. However, I found out today from my mom that he's gotten into trouble.



My PCP is taking my breathing seriously too. It's not clearing up. The wheezing is worse most days than it was a month ago.



The breathing doctor can't change my QVAR 40 mcg until this MCT is done and we get the results. From there, he's going to do some other testing... at least I told them about the sleep study. I've never been tested for allergies though and it's one of the things he mentioned.



He was surprised at my lung capacity being that low though. I expected it to be at least 70%... not that damn 50%.



I don't smoke.

I've been having Brett take care of the animals.

I've watched what I've been doing.



Why is it that freakin' low?!



*grumbles*



I'll know more on Halloween. That's my MCT. I get the results on November 9th. But I'll know a little if I can't make it through all the doses. At least whether I do have asthma or not. LOL!

05:01 Oct 17 2011
Times Read: 791

Considering the power has gone flickery six times and the seventh time it went out without returning... looks like I have to find a way to get Brett up at 5 o'clock without the alarms being set.



It doesn't make matters any better that I'm seriously uncomfortable when left in the dark without it being of my own doing.



Yeah, I guess I'm pretty afraid of the dark when something happens or someone else puts me in it.



=(



Maybe I'll be okay and get some sleep. I can't take my sleep medication tonight though without the alarms being set. The only thing that has an alarm that works without the power is my watch.



*sighs* This is going to be interesting. If it's still out in the morning, I may just say the hell with it and pack things to go to my mom's since she's supposed to pick up Aurora and me about 9 this morning.



I can do this. It's just one more fear from the past that I need to face. Right?



Lord, I sound like some little kid trying to be a grown up.

18:01 Oct 13 2011
Times Read: 804

Brett got up on his own this morning. First time in forever he's done that! I'm proud of him. He made sure to get to work without me getting him up.



I swear sometimes it feels like I'm his mother instead of his fiancee. I hate when it gets like that... I really do.



He's not coming home today.



His work was from 6 am to 2:30 pm, from there he's going to Jared's for a little bit, then to pick up his Adderal script at 4 pm, and finally to his class that is from 5:30 pm until 10:30 pm.



He's going to be exhausted.



Whatever is going on with my breathing, it's getting worse. The past four days have been a nightmare for my migraine since I've been puking a lot from not being able to breathe. What the emergency room called exasperated asthma. I'm just glad I have an appointment with the specialized doctor on Monday.



One thing I'm worried about is if he says the coal and wood furnace has to go. We can't heat this house any other way until we get insulation in the walls. It's just unreasonable. And we just got a NEW furnace... that totaled to $742 including tax. The last one in the Ohio Valley that will work for this house and keep it nice and warm. We're paying on that bill. *sighs* We have to keep it at about 80 degrees to keep everywhere warm, especially the bathroom (the coldest room of the house).



I can't see getting something else. We can't afford propane or we could use my stepdad's furnace that he just took out a couple of months ago to put in his building. We would have to get a tank too. But there's no way we could afford it... no way. Even with the Pell Grant and Brett working now.



He's been trying to get a job for months upon months now... and he just now got one. This area is pretty much dead on jobs.



Although the coal mines are always hiring and the steel mill will be hiring more since the trade agreement was settled with Korea. In 2009, the steel plant sold $47,000,000 to Korea in products. That's a lot of missing money... and jobs. As for the coal mine, Brett's been seriously thinking about it but the classes would cause him to miss school, he would have to drop because the coal mine doesn't work around those scheduled and it's a swing shift, and that's about $600 we need somewhere else.



Aurora's doing better with the potty training. So maybe around her birthday, I'll be able to get her into preschool. I really hope so.



Even with that though, I won't be able to get a part-time job while she's at school because Brett will have my car! No other cars here and I'm worried about even getting her to the bus stop. The only option is to walk down with her on the train tracks across the METAL unfinished bridge... and wait in the cold. The idea of it is insane. She'll only be four years old. I'm worried about her being in the cold for so long.



=(



I'm so worrisome but at least it isn't as bad as it used to be and the anxiety isn't overwhelming.



To make it to my appointment tomorrow morning at 10:45, I have to go to my mom's tonight with Aurora... who won't sleep unless it's in her bed and in her room. It's going to be a LONG night for us.



Brett's not going to be home here until about 11 o'clock and he's got to be up at 4 am yet again. Those three days a week he's going to class are going to be exhausting for him.



Oh and he's picking up Saturday for the extra eight hours since he would only have 24 hours this week... this way he'll have at least 32 hours and we'll have a little more cash.



I wish I would quit puking from my breathing acting up so much. I'm coughing like I'm seriously sick and yet, it's only when my chest feels so tight and I feel like I can't breathe.



At least I just need to make it until Monday. =) That's not so long.



Oh and if anyone wants my facebook, other than my two exes on this site, let me know. There's newer pictures of Aurora that I just uploaded last night. She's a doll as my Grandmama would say.

The Past
06:21 Oct 11 2011
Times Read: 809

Maybe I shouldn't read journal entries I wrote from 2009 and early 2010. Some of the entries are horrible and hate-filled. So much anger... so many games played and feelings hurt from crap with the first real boyfriend I ever had...



I'm happy to be where I am today. I no longer avoid the phone like the plague. I talk to my mom every day on it. I can drive my car without anxiety attacks. I can go outside without thinking about it here. I can go to the store and be stronger than I thought I could ever be again back in 2008.



So much has gotten better. Yet Brett and I struggle with things here and there. We have problems talking at times. And I still haven't called to make my therapy appointment. I'll probably have to talk to the therapist on the phone to have a block on me removed by now. I'm disappointed in myself about not calling to make the appointment. Yet, it's not an overbearing feeling of being ashamed.



I can't believe how horrid some of the places I had been in my mind and how far I've made it.



I'll probably read this is a year or so and think of the changes. Of course I didn't name everything here in this entry but the big ones are named.



Oh gosh, the biggest one is I have been going to the doctors' offices if I need to. I'm not afraid to call in with questions or to make an appointment anymore. I'm alright with dealing with the stress of it since it is for the best interest of myself.



I see the neurologist this Friday to get taken off my one migraine medication... the generic form of Topamax (sp?). I also see other doctor for my breathing issues on Monday for the first time. I am a little bit nervous about that one.



I'm going to wrap up my journal entry in my hard-bound journal and head to bed before my medications kick my butt too much.



I want to try to some kind of schedule of writing again. I need to write more in it and yet, I've been just forgetting about it instead of making it any kind of priority.



Good night.

21:55 Oct 08 2011
Times Read: 815

Aurora just tried to kill the cat and my betta, Nicholas, all in one fluid movement. I threw the laptop on the floor and ran to the master bedroom where Brett had yelled for me from.



She knocked down the Nicholas' vase with bamboo plants in it down onto Mama's head. Mama was sleeping on the bean bag chair and of course, Aurora just can't leave the cats alone.



Ugh!



Brett and I need to seriously talk about the idea of therapy for her. She's vocal enough. She's not listening. Our psychiatrist has observed her during our appointments over the years. She can NEVER sit still for more than possibly ten seconds. She fidgets like her father. She doesn't hear everything said to her and has a really hard time following directions.



Her pediatrician doesn't like the idea of observing her for any amount of time for signs of ADHD. Our psychiatrist already sees the signs that I do of it.



She's frustrated and I can't help her as much as I wish I could. Her thinking is almost like Brett's but with things having to be done in certain orders. We've gotten her out of the dominant "quirks." She still gets unbelievably upset if one of us cleans her room without her being in there.



I'm getting frustrated with it. I'm tired of bruises from my daughter who is almost four years old.



I'm tempted to talk to the preschool about enrolling her even though she is still having accidents two days out of the week. It's mostly after she doesn't get her way about something important to her... like going with Mama and Papa when my mother is hurting too much to take her for a little or for us to come up.



I'm not sure what to do about it all. I know this can't keep up. I want her in preschool. I need the time for myself as horrible as that sounds to me at the moment. But I think her getting to be in that setting would help her insanely with so much.



However, there's the question of what's going to happen when some kid takes the toy she's interested in... We've been in public places and she goes to punch them. I have to put her in timeout and explain to her why it was wrong. But I'm worried about it all the same. She has been getting a little bit better when playing with other children at the park and whatnot.



I'm stressing, I guess.



Wonder if I can get Brett to focus enough to have a decent conversation with him about Aurora and the idea of therapy?



We'll see. *sighs* This just feels like it's going to be a challenge. I truly don't want to admit there's something wrong so she doesn't have to see a psychiatrist once in school and things. She's so young for us to have to worry about this now.



However, if she does have ADHD, we can learn early how to help her focus and she'll get the help she needs when it is school time.



My psychiatrist, which is also Brett's psychiatrist, has agreed to see Aurora since he works with so many children. He doesn't believe medication is the answer unless no other method helps lessen the problem so the person can work on the issue or adapt to the condition. He even says my anxiety disorder is for life and he doesn't want me to depend on medication and have absolutely no coping skills... because one day I do want off the medications.



I'm going to quit rambling and check on the clothes drying on the clothesline up in the yard.



Something mundane to help me calm down some... hopefully give me clarity of the mind enough to think about the current situation without any hyper-arousal of emotions.



It has to be what's best for Aurora... not what I just want for her or am not willing to believe.



What's best for her.

04:05 Oct 08 2011
Times Read: 824

I'm worried beyond what I can really express about a woman I've never met in person. I sent a couple of things but other than that, I can't do anything.



Everything that I've stressed about the past week or so seems so minuscule right now. I wish I could get in touch with her immediately and find out what's happened.



I've done what I can though. I can give her something to do. I wanted to talk to her about two paintings before. I don't know how she would do them now. But I know I could work something out with her.



I need to breath. I need to calm down. *sighs* I hope everything is okay. She's not like a lot of people on here. She won't say something is true when it isn't. I know her all too well on that.



I just wish I could make things right for her in every way.



I love her.



Now to wait... that's all I can do.



Well, that and clean to calm my mind. Thank god for the sugar treats in the kitchen. I need to quit craving sweets so much.



I just... I need to breath, write or possibly talk, or something. Not eat. No more eating like this. Ugh!



Where the hell are you, sweets?!

06:30 Oct 05 2011
Times Read: 831

Tomorrow morning I'm hoping to get up and go to the store with Aurora by ourselves. I haven't taken any simple trips like that in quite some time. It's always been with Brett or my mother and Aurora. I've not really avoided it as much as I used to but with Aurora acting out so much when she does, we've stayed together on it. I'm not really like I used to be and yet, I am. I'm still scared to go to the store by myself but I can tolerate it. I can go outside here without hesitation. I have no problems with getting behind the wheel of my car to drive. I like and enjoy doing it again. It connects me with Courtney and my memories of all our nights of driving. ♥ Sometimes I start crying while behind the wheel going somewhere... because of a song or because of a memory that passes through my mind.



I know I need to work through the deaths of my friends and family. I've lost a lot since my dad passed away in 2004.



My therapy is going to be focused mainly on my anxiety, depression, the deaths and fears, my past with sexual abuse and the future.



I'm terrified of letting my past be who I am today... just that's it. I'm terrified of that's all I'm ever going to be to myself. I can't heal from it. I've tried. I talk about it a little more each time to certain people but to actually face everything and heal. Do I even remember every single thing? I doubt it. I seriously do. I've remembered things I never thought about in years and didn't believe them to be true until I got the nerve to look for proof of scars or other memories for myself to stop doubting me.



I'm scared to death of losing everyone who means anything to me. It bothers me that my dad is in a graveyard. I used to eat lunch at his side in the graveyard at least once a week to cope with things. I can't do that. No gas money.



If I had the money to do anything I pleased, I would talk to my mom and stepdad about getting a family graveyard for our members to be here with me. I would more than likely eat a snack or one meal everyday with my dad and grandma.



I know that's not the normal thing and it's obsessive but that's me. I miss my dad.



I've handled my Grandma's passing pretty well though. I miss that crazy old lady though. Who else can say they could talk to their 60-something year old Grandmother about sex and not blush but laugh? I always did threaten to get her a vibrator since my Grandfather died. I'm honestly not ashamed to admit when she decided to go, I was having intercourse while drinking. Brett came with the phone and I got the news. I don't regret drinking that night with Tony and I don't regret anything. Heck, my grandma got me drunk for the first real time when I was in the eighth grade. I called my friends up and they couldn't believe it. She was awesome. I love that old lady tons... bunches and bunches.



Way down deep in the African jungle, you can hear the pig-mees rumble, I gotta go potty! ♥



My Grandpap used to get my Grandmama to give me fifty cents to sing that song as loud as I could outside when I was little or at the store or where-ever. I'm so going to teach it to Aurora. I learned it in second grade music class. LOL!



But God, I haven't even tried to deal with Courtney's passing. I'm scared to. I'm scared of losing the memories I have of her and I think that if I cope from the loss, I'll lose them somehow. It's not logical. I know it's not. I know it's insane to think that but it's what I register it as. I dream about her all the time. I swear I see her sometimes at the mall or in Wal-mart... places we went. It's unrealistic.



At times I feel like I'm losing my mind so maybe I should work on the deaths and grieving before anything else. And yet, so many of the problems come from my past too. I know it. I want answers and I won't ever get most of time. I won't ever know why it happened or why no one noticed. I need to accept it but realizing that and coming to terms with it are two different things completely.



I love Brett but for the past few months I haven't felt comfortable talking to him about my past. I talk about it at my most vulnerable times during the night or early morning when I've woken up from nightmares. There are times I'm still too afraid to fall asleep that I'll wake up in another nightmare again and not be able to wake up. I trust him but not with something so touchy... so close. So hidden. So real to myself that I want to escape it everyday that I can. I'm angry when I talk about it and I've been quite aggressive when I've had flashbacks. I don't remember them but only go on what Brett has told me. I've written a couple of things while in them. I lost the paper from the one where I wrote the name of my abuser in the handwriting I used when I was that age. It looked horrible but it was a symbol of courage to myself. If I could do that when in a flashback, what can I do now if I learn to take control of my fears and memories?



I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. Yet, I almost force myself to talk about it because...



- Before the conversation - I feel horrible and like I'm absolutely nothing. A filthy whore like someone said when scrubbing my hair with a washcloth to get the mud and a little blood out.

- During the conversation - I feel scared, terrified, and sometimes I feel almost paralyzed with fear like I can't talk, type, or write anymore.

- After the conversation - I feel empowered. I feel like when I took control. I fought back. I let out all the anger of every single time it happened in that one time and almost killed my abuser. I would have regretted it if I would have. I'm glad an adult stopped me by knocking me down several times during my "seeing red" but I can't help but know I did it and feel proud of that rage I felt. No emotions for a little girl for so long and it came out finally. In a bad way but it put a stop to it all without a life ultimately ending or anything of the like.



I feel ashamed in the many little victories I'm proud of that "normal" people don't feel and I probably shouldn't be proud of in any way. Even though I've been with Brett for five years now, he still gives me weird looks when we talk about things sometimes. That's never a good sign. At least not in my eyes... we should be used to each others' ways of thinking by now... but I guess not.



I don't know what exactly I wanted from this journal entry other than venting a lot of things that have been on my mind. I plan on printing this thing out for my hardbound journal when I can along with a couple of other entries.



My kismet means something to me right now:



Can you see through me, can you see through everything I am?



As for what it means to me, I plan on writing about it instead on typing it up on here. It's too close and it's late. The fire is warm and I'm getting to bed soon. I definitely need some kind of sleep tonight.

04:24 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 833

The colder weather has been here and we've been using the old furnace. It has two firebricks left. No one has firebricks to fit the old thing. So we had to get a new one. We owe $742 for a brand new furnace which my stepdad got us a damper for it to. We're going to be switching them out within this next week since the weather will be warming up.



We're low on wood though. The new furnace is a COAL and wood furnace. ♥ We'll be going through so much less wood. Which is great because there are only so many dead trees left on my mom's and stepdad's properties for Brett to cut for us.



We need to get the chainsaw fixed. The priming bulb is messed up. We need to get more bar oil though. Expenses, expenses.



Brett had a job interview today that went really good. It won't mess with his schedule.



Aurora's doing really good with potty training. We're getting her into her doctor's office to get her next shots in and talking to the one preschool. We're seriously thinking about getting her into therapy because of her temper and what her doctor calls "quirks." It's irritating that things have to be done in certain ways for her to be okay and if it's not, she usually takes it out on me by beating on me.



There's so much stuff that needs to get done in the next few weeks though for this coming winter. I hate how much winter things that needed to get done were procrastinated on because of spring and summer things that needed and had to get finished.



Aurora's room got built and the ditch is about halfway dug. We've reclaimed a lot of the yard.



Sadly, I wish we could have gotten more done though. But with my mom having knee surgery, my migraine going uninterrupted for months, Aurora acting up so much, and Brett going to school. It's been nutty.



We have a wall to replace in the house before the winter is up and insulation to buy for it. We need to decide which wall to replace first... both will get done in the next couple of years but which one is letting in more cold air? Older house so issues are aboard like that. We're working on it little by little.



*sighs* I really need to get to bed. Later.