Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
10 entries this month
Can't Wait!
07:24 Nov 23 2006
Times Read: 898
I'm going to Nashville! I'm going to Nashville! I'm going to Nashville!
Okay I am a little bit hyper and nervous and happy, oh so happy and terrified... oh yay! I can't believe it! I leave tomorrow morning since the date had to be changed... I can't wait!
Brett and I agree, this should have happened MONTHS ago, like over four months ago.
Ekk! Me happy! Me family friend gave me a trench coat last night! Hehe! At least I will be plently warm... yes, it is some of the littlest things that make me happy but anyone who knows me, knows I am often cold or sick.
Well I am hopefully getting offline now and lying down, waiting for Brett Brett to call... oh god, I seriously can't believe it! I am actually going... now what I really can't believe is I am staying until the end of January, maybe longer if I get a good paying job while down there. Oh wow! I just want to get there and see him as I get off the bus and yeah *nods* mess up his makeup... Hehe! Yeppers, I think I will mess up his makeup!
My Life for the Next Week Probably
01:21 Nov 18 2006
Times Read: 913
A lot has changed since I last wrote in here. I decided for sure that I am going to Nashville with Brett. He is getting my ticket at the beginning of next week, and I will be leaving Thanksgiving morning.
I feel guilty about missing the holidays with my family but I have asked my Grandmama and my mommy to celebrate a day earlier then the calendar date. They agreed so I am also going to get my nephew and take him to my Grandmama’s with me, or as he calls her, the old Grandma.
I have asked a couple of my professors to each write a letter of recommendation for me, so I will have them with me in Nashville. The letters will help me greatly when I apply to Dell and I can use them at other places of employment.
I will hopefully be going to my high school to visit with one of my old teachers, who is also a family friend. He has helped me so much in the past and I don’t want to leave here without telling him I had to drop out of college and that I am moving. I want to get his e-mail address too, if at all possible to stay in contact with him. I don’t think he will ever realize how much he has helped me in the past… just by turning me in, he helped me extremely, but he was always there for me.
Right now I have been busy packing everything to go and the rest of it away in boxes so my kitty cat can not destroy it on her rampage because I know she will be angry with me for leaving her. I have started packing my suitcase (my father’s actually). But Brett wants me to be packed by Tuesday, if not before. At least, if I get that done, I will not be rushing around trying to do everything and set myself up for a nervous little episode.
There are so many emotions in my mind right now, all blending together in so many ways.
I am happy and excited because I get to go and be with him, and because I am getting out on my own. Getting out on my own is something I have never down before. I have always been sheltered in some ways, by family and friends. But this time, I will be alone in my journey and that excites and intrigues me, just in itself.
I am terrified because I will be in a completely new setting, around people I have never met, and I have never went on a trip by myself even. I have never even really stayed in a city, just that is making me nervous. But like I have told most of my family and my closer friends, I have my own money to get home, if something should happen. I know how to defend myself. God, ask my family there, I am defiantly not defenseless, not unless I let myself be for some reason. I will keep my guard up but at a normal level with him because I know if I keep it too high, I won’t even give him a chance.
I feel guilty. This has been explained in the text above and also in a previous entry. I feel horrible about leaving everyone, especially now that I will leave on Thanksgiving morning. But I know I will call them and I am not cutting them out of my life or disappearing. I refuse to disappear.
Another big emotion I am experiencing, as the number of days grows shorter, is fear. All my fears from the past are coming back, worse then ever. I am leaving them run their course and not dwelling on them right now. I will really set myself up for failure if I do start dwelling on them. A lot of them have to do with past experiences with relationships, whether they were just friendships or something more. I know I can confront them, I know I need to confront them, and have been when the time feels right to me.
Those are the top five emotions in my mind right now… I am trying to sort them out as they come and yet, let them each run their course. I am dwelling more on the positive ones instead of the ones that make me start to rethink my choice of going. I am going to Nashville, for sure. The length of the stay is the only thing that is really uncertain for now, but should become apparent with time and as information becomes available to Brett and me.
This was just an update to let people know how I am doing, what has changed, and how everything is unfolding…
As I have told Brett, more then once… “It seems like my life is falling apart, and yet, at the same time, coming together.”
Damn People...04:09 Nov 13 2006
Times Read: 930
**This was written out of anger and frustration so I apologize before people even read it. Most of the things said to set me off today have and probably are jokes but I don't care anymore. I am tired of all the bullshit. Stop it! Or I will be making other decisions in my life and I don't care to make them right now.**
Why have people been so hard on me lately? Why have they been lecturing me and getting on me about the simpliest of things? Is it because they know I am planning on leaving soon for a couple of months? And why do people have to make things worse by just adding onto the drama of the day?!?
Yes, I know damn well I am complaining right now and I don't give a shit. My journal, my thoughts, so yeah it's me. Deal!
But why do people have to bring fears to life? Even jokingly? God, why do I even let certain statements or sayings get to me? Right now I just wish I could run (can't since it is dark outside), I wish I could go back to the past (can't, not allowed), I wish I could just kill my stomach (what is that really going to accomplish right now?), I wish I could just go off on a few people who have put the fear, paranoia, and the doubt back in my mind, and I wish I could basically just give up right now. I am tired of defending my choices. I am tired of defending my emotions. I am just fuckin' tired right now. I am a bitch to live with right now or even be around (wonder why). God, what's the point anymore, seriously. I can't deal with my thoughts. I can't even manage to deal with the emotions I have right now. I am not even blaming my problems on emotions right now, there is just TOO much drama that I can't deal anymore. I am not even allowed to hide thanks to a couple of promises I have made. Damn people, damn them. Thank you to everyone who can't leave me alone and have to mess with my head. Thank you. Seriously!
One-Year Anniversary!
01:15 Nov 11 2006
Times Read: 936
Today marks the one year anniversary of my discovering of VR. I have progressed more in my own knowledge and learning then I ever expected to when I first made a profile on here. I have made many friends who are very special to me. I can never repay them for all the help they have given me, but as a friend, Rajiv and I agreed, true friendship is offering one's friendship without ever expecting or requesting anything in return. A lot of people have come and gone on my friends list but they have never been forgotten. Most of the original people who graced the 'Who's Online" page have up and moved on with their lives, sadly because of drama for the most part. Well I would like to warn everyone who reads my journal, I will never leave Vampire Rave because of someone else. I think that is just childish and ignorant sometimes, depending on the situation of course. But in most cases it is! There are so many people on here who act immature and hardly seem to be the age they currently are since they get so caught up in the childish disputes and delete their profile out of anger. I am sorry but I will never delete mine or any of my journal entries, just because someone made me mad. Even if my worse enemy came to VR harassing me, I would not leave. There is a block button for a reason people!
I would like to say thank you to everyone who has helped me since I joined Vampire Rave, it has truly been an experience that has taught me a lot about myself and others.
Guilt... Depression... Happiness... Nervousness... All of the Above...
05:11 Nov 09 2006
Times Read: 948
Your worse enemy is back, you’re home alone and scared to death… what do you do?
Simple, confront them, fail at your attempt of victory and hide in a corner wishing him away again since you are too weak to do anything right now.
At least I am not at the entrance of a church anymore hiding in a corner and crying my eyes out. I did get up and start driving again. I did make it home, safely I might add.
Damn it! Two people said they didn’t think it was completely over and they were right. Why does Brett always seem to be right so much, especially about the bad things in life?
I need to get my strength back and I need to deal with (1) losing my scholarship, (2) dropping out and also (3) the guilt of leaving everyone for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
**Yes, I decided to go to Nashville to be with Brett until January since I will have enough to get home if something happens. Some of my family and my best friend are not happy about me choosing to go but it is pretty bad when even my mom says it is my own choice. One family member told my mom to ground me and make me stay home. Insane people, I am 19 years old, I need to experience life and I need to get out on my own. I could do worse than go to Nashville. **
But I need to confront all the negative things on my mind or I am going to set myself up for failure.
1. The lost of my scholarship…
In no way did I seriously cause it that can be proven. I wished to have the opportunity to be with Brett and asked it of my spirit guides for months now to help make it possible. But I did not ask to lose my scholarship and I tried everything in my power to keep it. I was doing great this quarter and had all A’s until I dropped out. I did not cause the lost of my scholarship though and I did to stop blaming myself for it.
2. Dropping completely out of college…
I had to because there was no way in hell I could pay the amount they are asking of me all before the end of this quarter. Today, before I signed the papers, the academic advisor had the nerve to ask me if I could pay it by November 27… Um hell no! Sorry I don’t keep almost $2,000 lying around my house and if I did, I don’t think I would have been receiving financial aid! So yeah I dropped because at least now I can make payments on what I owe.
3. The guilt of leaving everyone for the holidays…
People need a reality check on my age, especially family! First off the only person who has the right to demand I stay home is my Tyler brat. Second, he already told me I couldn’t go and I still am going. Third, god, it isn’t like I am not going to stay in contact with everyone and not call them. I have even started a list of who I have to call as soon as I get to Brett’s apartment. Where the fuck do some of my family get off lecturing me when they have done far more ignorant things in their lives. At least I have the money to get home if I want to come back sooner. Wonder what they would even stay if I chose to live with him and stay down there beyond the month of January? They would probably freak and say he kidnapped me or brainwashed me… oh well… I am not going to pass up the opportunity that I was waiting for just because others are sending guilt trips my way. I want to go and be with him, so I am as long as nothing has changed in the circumstances down there in the past week of no communication between us. *shrugs* I won’t know that until later today or tomorrow, depending on when everything gets set up with his phone. I seriously hope it is today though! *crosses fingers* I miss him so much and I just want to hear his voice since I cannot be with him for at least 11 more days.
Dropped...
17:54 Nov 08 2006
Times Read: 953
I just officially dropped out of college...
God, I feel so much better right now because the stress is gone.
I am okay with it all though because I know I am determined to come back when I can...
A Big Fuck You!
23:03 Nov 06 2006
Times Read: 967
Hmm okay so my scissors have apparently been thrown away! I don't give a shit anymore! Throw them out, get rid of them, tear them apart, and do what you wish with them! My boyfriend and I are not going to bow down and kiss your feet or your ass! I don't really give a shit what you do with them anymore! I don't need them! Just remember, everything that I have that was given to me with his own handwriting... you or he will never see it again! I was willing to give shit back but you won't give mine, I won't give this stuff that is now mine... I don't care anymore... this is just a big fuck you to a couple of people who are refusing to give back my security scissors which they have no right to have in the first place... they can have them, not like they can hurt me with them or have power over me. I won't jump for them or do tricks. Karma always comes back around... I know it will for them, just as it will for me...
The Choices and Options
02:20 Nov 04 2006
Times Read: 975
The other day I said I would write in here to let everyone know what was going on, well yesterday was a busy day. I am going to be dropping out of college completely this morning (after I post this actually). I lost my scholarship because of a certain reason. The loan I had applied for was not processed. And I owe A LOT of money, so I am dropping out even though I will still have to pay back that money.
I am debating between two plans of action right now. They are as follows, and of course I do favor one over the other because of my bias (plus I can always come home):
1. Get a job or jobs around here, which would probably be minimum wage ($5.15) and work my ass off to get the bill paid up and start saving for going back.
2. Go to Nashville, Tennessee and get a job there, well staying with Brett and his friend, James. I would be applying for the sales department of Dell (it pays $8.50 plus commission) or I would be getting a seasonal job and working into January down there.
Both plans have their bad and good points. I wish I knew which one would be completely better for me all together, but I won’t ever know that. I know I could probably make more in Tennessee and I would be able to save up more money, hopefully pay off the bill with it and get a little bit saved for going back. My mom is all for whatever I want to do, even though she knows I want to go down to Tennessee so badly and everything. But come on now I have justified reasons too. I mean I can go down there and just come back in January, as long as I get a job while I am down there and yeah, paid on the bill. But it isn’t that huge of deal to me moving down there. I am excited about it, and yes, I do sound like I have made up my mind.
Okay, well my mom has convinced me to hold off until Monday to see if she can get a hold of the VA because they would pay for most of my stuff, plus back pay all my loans and things. Like I told Brett on Wednesday night, it seems as though my life is completely falling apart and yet, at the same time coming together.
There is another option… Brett brought it up to me last night but I automatically turned it down in a hurry. The third option is going into job corps. I would take the CISCO program, if I did and since I have been in my college courses and I am determined, I would probably be in and out very quickly. The only real input Brett had on the option was if I did it, he wanted me in by Christmas and he wanted me to go to the center in Kentucky since he and I both know people there and everything.
*I will write more on this tomorrow since I don’t have much else to do right now. But I will keep my journals up to date as possible on how this mess is working out.*
Crash and Burn
21:26 Nov 01 2006
Times Read: 984
After I got offline this morning, I left my house, and as soon as I got the mail, I did a complete crash and burn. I will explain more about this all later, after I get to talk to Brett and everything else. I don't even know what is going on right now or what to do. I know I am going to try to fight it to the degree I can and that I feel helpless right now. Maybe I am a fuck up... just maybe...
Updates For Now
16:08 Nov 01 2006
Times Read: 987
*This is somewhat an update on my life and everything that is going on right now.*
Brett got his job at Dell!!! He is moving to Nashville very shortly... Ekkk! *is nervous* I get to go down to Nashville for my Thanksgiving break to be with him and meet his friends who are there. (Damn people won't let me be anti-social!) But it WILL be my first holiday away from home and it is weighing on me that I will not be able to visit my daddy. I will be making a trip to visit him before I leave though.
I have given up on ever getting my security scissors back from ignorant people who think they can always get their way.
I had an okay Halloween but I am now getting sick from collecting for my little cousin and my nephew. (They went trick-or-treating in the house since it was pouring the rain now and I went around the town trick-or-treating with their bags. They enjoyed it though, they're not sick and they got more candy and goodies than anyone else. Haha!)
My classes are going good and I still have my grades intact (for the most part). I still did not find out what I got on the one advertising test and it is worrying me. I wonder if the professor will get irritated with me for asking her tomorrow what is my grade so far.
I remember my password and the e-mail I used for another myspace account that I had a while ago. The link is on my profile for it but I don't even really care.
I just cannot seem to write poetry, rants, or my little writings anymore, for some reason. Wait, I do remember when I really stopped writing for the most part but that is between me and my notebook. :-) I have written some things out of anger within the past month and I will post them, along with some pictures soon (hopefully), I am waiting for the okay from Brett to post them.
I have been saving up money for something that I want to do but yeah... no one knows what that is yet except for me. I might tell Brett Brett when I am down there but so far that is it.
Oh and I am looking into jobs and colleges down around Nashville. I am going to be talking to my academic advisor soon to see if I would lose any of my credits by transferring down to there. And yeah my best friend doesn't like the idea of me thinking about moving, neither does my mom but I do and I could get a better job down there, then around where I live with better benefits too. It is worth looking into. And plus Nashville will have something Ohio doesn't... can anyone guess what that will be? But yeah I am thinking about it and looking into it. It is all UNDECIDED for right now. I have to talk to people up here first after I get the basic information.
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