The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

His Friendship
15:51 Nov 26 2005
Times Read: 1,053


i know and ya it does seem like a huge part of me died and everything, that is y i am trying to get him back. he made me promise before that if i was feeling suicidal or like cutting or if i was breaking down that i was to call him. the other day i did call him because of all of that and he calmed me down, made sure that i was not going to do anything and then got off the phone with me. i do not know if that was a good thing or not because i know that he would not just leave me off the phone but he did got off because of his other guy friend being there and everything. idk i am so confused from him that it is scarey. i love him still and i think he still knows that and i still even wear the necklace that he stole for me from Spencer :)... and he even knows that he even saw it on my neck still went i went into the high school... even though he kinda started backing up and basically ran probably because he thought i was there to kill him... lol... even though he knows in his heart that i would not ever hurt him. But maybe he does not want to be friends with me. I mean we used to have a friendship where we could depend on one another and he told me that i was not to believe what others said and if it was about him saying something then to ask him and not to listen to them. But then he broke off his friendship with me because some of my ex-friends were telling him that i was planning on breaking up him and his girfriend when he turned seventeen so i could have him for myself. What the hell, was he on something when he started to believe them. i would not do that to him and he should know it. no matter what has been going on i had always been there for him and then he believes the ones that were not there for him in the least. i do not even get him. i wish that he will become friends with me and courtney again. i do not know if we can make it through the next couple of months without him.

Happy to be alive
18:15 Nov 20 2005
Times Read: 1,063

I don't really know what happened yesterday. All I know is that today I hurt like hell and I am just happy to be alive and that my friend is okay. We were just going to the mall in my car, my car was going 5 mph, I went to speed up because someone was coming behind me, and the gas peddle stuck. My car kept on speeding up and I couldn't get the peddle to come up. We went up over the curb and rode in the grass for about 150 ft. But 41 ft. of that was on the guard rail. I am so thankful that guard rail was there and that it held because if it wasn't and didn't then my friend and I would probably not be alive. That was because there is a drop on the other side of it and it is over 90 ft. down and it was an old mine so I doubt that the ground would have held the impact. My car is probably total and my mother isn't even mad at me or anything. Everyone who saw it happen just could only say they were surprised I kept the car under control to the point that I did and I am surprised too. All I know is if the insurance company says my car isn't totaled and they want to fix it... I refuse to ever drive it again. And I probably won't be driving for a little bit especially since I don't have a car.

quiz
15:16 Nov 17 2005
Times Read: 1,068

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

how come people don't get it
15:27 Nov 15 2005
Times Read: 1,076






I am sorry to hurt the poeple I care about and the people who also care about me. I wish I never had to do this but sometimes I don't even realize what is going on until it is too late to stop the damage that was being created. I love my friends, including my guy friends, but cannot they see that I cannot handle a relationship right now mentally and emotionally. I do want to get to know my friends better and I wish that I could start relationships with two in particular but that would be foolish of me to do because I know I would hurt them more then what has been done by me saying I'm not ready for a relationship. I feel so guilty for things that three friends don't even know about but I don't want them to look at me differently and try to figure out my thoughts that I am having as I am talking to them. They should not know what I am thinking, especially when those thoughts have nothing to do with them more then most of the time. I have thoughts of the past running through my head at every moment and they cannot help that but everyone pays for it. But I do not want them to be hurt, and I do not want to cause them pain. I have told them it is up to them whether or not they talk to me, and well I get afriad of the answer. I do not know how long I can do this, this fucking soap opera of my life. I will contnue writing later I think only because I am in class.

do they ever understand
20:28 Nov 14 2005
Times Read: 1,080

Do people really ever understand another person's past and their pain? I could tell many people about my past, my pain, my thoughts but would even a few of them truely know how I feel or would I lose them completely. I don't think anyone knows how anyone else feels because even if you went through a similar experience as me, you still have no idea about my thoughts going through my head. I love my friends but can they ever help in the way they want to especially since I don't want to except that help right now. Also how do they expect to help me when I cannot say what is on my mind half the time. Especially when dealing with the past, especially all of the things I have been through. I feel guilty for so many things. My friends tell I should not feel guilty for them and that I had no control that it was not my fault. But some of those things I cause indirectly or directly but still I caused them. Even the horrible past with my sister, I cause it indirectly, I told her about something that happened to me expecting her to protect me and not to harm me in a worse way. Plus to actually admit that I still love her after all she has put me through and after her turning most of my family against me, that takes all of my strengh. I want to give up right now for I cannot stand these nightmares and thoughts anymore. And this is where I am starting to get certain thoughts back in my head. I'm thinking of going back so I can get help and to stop myself from doing something stupid like Billy.

R.I.P.

Billy S.

another quiz
20:23 Nov 13 2005
Times Read: 1,083


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore

Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

quiz that i took on which tarot card am i
22:26 Nov 12 2005
Times Read: 1,091








You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enterthe intuitive and psychic realms. This is thestuff dreams are made on. And like dreams theimagery we find here may inspire us or tormentus. Understanding the moon requires lookingwithin. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed inthis luminary that circles the earth everymonth and reflects the sun in its progress.Listening to those rhythms may produce visionsand lead you towards insight. The Moon is aforce that has legends attached to it. Itcarries with it both romance and insanity.Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and itis only those willing to work with the force ofdreams that are able to withstand thisreflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.http://www.stevee.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i don't understand him
06:44 Nov 12 2005
Times Read: 1,094






my heart seems linked to his by fate, but will he ever admit he feels the same. instead of giving me hints, and then running away.





i can't understand him no matter how hard i try. i want to so bad and to help him for i know he is miserable. he won't leave me in and tries to figure me out in return. i opened up to him, and he knows everything about me. everything expect for one thing he shall know when he returns and i visit him. i love him so much and my friends don't understand. they think i am crazy. say how can you love him because you met him online. so what i met him online, when he comes home i am going and meeting him in person. two of my friends are going with me expect i don't know if that is such a good idea. especially since one of them dislikes him very much and says that it is just an obsession that i have and he is going to end up as a killer or something. i talked to him for over five months now and i love everything about him that i know. but he hasn't really opened up to me and he only started to open up to me the day before he left. i think it kinda scared him when he realized this cause he has been what seems to me as avoiding me. i know, however, that this is not true because he is busy and does not have that much time. because if he was avoiding me then he would not have got on the one day just to see if i was online. he would not have imed my friend and told her to tell me he was alright. i miss talking to him at night and i leave my internet on all night just incase he does get online again. so that way i will not miss him again, because i cannot stand myself for missing him the first time. but he didn't email me back. in that whole time he imed my friend, he did not email me back. but he is busy and i can't do like i did last time and email him a pissed off email because i will hate myself even more if i make him feel like a jerk over there again. also i cannot believe i did it the first time, but i was breaking down and thought he didnt love me anymore. but he emailed me back and also imed my friend and was only asking about me and that does mean he cares about me, right? i just want to understand some more, because right now he has left me in the dark. and he knows i am afriad of the dark especially without any light.