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Why do people always act without thinking of others? Why are we so selfish? Every single person acts with only self interest and with never thinking of the consequences. I am guilty of it and so is whoever is reading this, it is normal within human and animal instincts. I try to get away from doing it, which is where my screen name on here came from.



But how can people treat others with such cruelty and then act like nothing ever happened? My sister acts this way towards me now and so do other members of my family, to both me and others they had and have put through hell. I am tired of everyone being so selfish and never caring what happens. Why do people make innocent bystanders suffer for nothing but their foolishness?



Tomorrow my Mother will take my sister's car from her and it will be while my nephew is there at my sister's house. The police will probably be involved and I will no longer be allowed to see him anymore. My Mother did try to get the car back peacefully but my sister is hiding it from her. Therefore my Mother will be calling the police to get it back and probably taking my sister to court. I think my sister will try something stupid tonight to destroy the car or make it so my Mother cannot get it back but my Mother already said she will take her to court over it.



I do not mind being forced to be in the middle of it all but they have no right to put my nephew within the battle zone! He is only four years old and doesn't deserve to be placed within the petty fuckin agruements. He is being undeservingly punished now and cut off from contact with my Mother and me. I only wish I could help him some and get him away from my sister. I don't believe she has changed from the past and I still fear her but she knows one mess up with my nephew and I will make sure her life is destroyed. Okay I know that sounds very bad and like a threat but if people knew everything in the past then she would be very miserable... if only it was just family with the knowledge of the past. I am scared of her still but I refuse to leave either of them to make his life a living hell. I love him more then anything and will do anything for him.

I really do not know how to feel today. I woke up this morning happier then what I have been in a while. I could not even get to sleep last night until about midnight or one o clock. My thoughts have been racing and I cannot seem to concentrate. Like before but a little worst and back then I would have cut to make me concentrate on one thing, the pain from it. I cannot seem to concentrate on one thing and during my class I just got out of, I started to let go of control and started to cry. I know I did a very bad thing by jerking myself back before leaving myself cry it out but it was in the middle of a lecture and I am not about to lose it in front of twenty people who do not even begin to understand me or my thoughts. I have been around to see people in my family, both the ones I hate and the ones I love, I am getting a cake and balloons (scooby doo (thanks to tyler but I am not supposed to know)), I will not get to go to the graveyard to visit my father (my mother can not handle taking me up there today since her wedding anniversary is on this wednesday), I will be getting my car back finally (I refuse to drive it to and from my classes until I am used to it again), and family who disowned me before are actually talking to me today and one of my uncles is evens getting me something. I should be happy about it all but I still do not feel happy inside. I feel like balling my eyes out and probably will when I finally get home. My mother even finally broke down today and started crying because of the widening hole in her heart from losing my dad. I have been worried about her constantly since she has been coming home late and not talking very much to me or anyone else (not like she talked to me much to begin with but it has been dramatically less recently). Our one family friend, who was staying at my aunt's house because he wanted to live back down here instead of Columbus, well we found out why, he was throwed out by his family up there for his drinking and some other things. He is in jail right now because of traffic vailations. Sad thing is that he cut his arm open to try to get out of going to jail (stupid dumbass). My sister has actually been nice to me and even went about 150 miles to Columbus to the Hot Topic up there to get me about $100 worth of things. I am paranoid and still believe there is something wrong with the picture she is trying to paint. She has never been that nice to me and I will never say I love you to her, no matter what, even if she was on her death bed. God even right now as I am sitting here supposed to be writting about my thoughts on my birthday, I am writing about problems of other people who I am concerned about. I need to take a break from other people's problems and deal with my own for awhile again, I think. I keep on having weird dreams and I have given up some on finding the answers within them. But I think I finally figured one out but the answer I shall keep to myself until I see if it does come true. I think I will either leave this entry at this or come back on later tonight and finish writing cause right now I feel sick and need to get some fresh cooler air outside. Later.

I do not know how to feel right now. My birthday that I have been dreading is almost here and all I wanted was to be alone. Now everyone is upset with me around here and want me to come out and party with them. I have changed my mind about going to my classes but I still want to be left alone. What is their problem?? That is all that I asked for. I didn't want money or gifts or anything. Maybe it is me with the problem though. As someone said to me last night, maybe I should be happy. I do not want to be happy, I want to get everything from the past out of my way. But perhaps it already is because I am happier then ever and I no longer even have my scissors. My nightmares are gone and I feel great. Of course I still have my worries, stress, memories, and bad times as everyone else does but maybe I have already dealt with the past in my own way without actually facing it the way I thought I had to in order to get to a point where I could accept it. I am just going to go with the flow of things until Monday, I think. But I still do not want to be around everyone, especially people I do not trust (family and certain friends).