The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Personality Test Results
05:43 Feb 19 2006
Times Read: 1,006

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 53% Stability |||| 16% Orderliness |||||||||| 40% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Interdependence |||||||||| 36% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Religious |||||| 30% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||| 23% Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 63% Self absorbed |||||| 23% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Sexuality |||| 16% Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Vanity |||||| 30% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%

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Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.



Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.



Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.





trait snapshot:



messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous

Rants of Problems and Things on My Mind Right Now
00:32 Feb 18 2006
Times Read: 1,010

Why does my mind seem to be against me? Even when I tell myself something is not true, not to believe, I end up believing it anyways. Why not, one can only listen to something for so long before adopting it as their own way of thinking. I cannot stand my mind and thoughts right now. I have music blaring but the lights are still off. I will leave them off because I refuse to turn them back on. I need to quit running and face fears. Why I cannot gain some amount of control of where my thoughts are? I do not know. But then again thoughts cannot be controlled and are caused by emotions. I have learned that thanks to a friend. I would still be lost without him, and would still believe one can control one's emotions and thoughts. I was wrong and found out that emotions and thoughts must come and go as they please. One cannot control them because it is, as he said, like trying to control the weather. A case not worth trying to fight for the defeat is soon followed by the attempt.



I have been very upset lately. A family member is getting married next week and I am supposed to go. I probably will but I think it is disrespectful the day they picked to get married on. It is the 24th of this month. I believe it is disrespectful because it is my grandparents wedding anniversary and also the day my grandfather died nine years ago. I think she should have picked another day, instead of having it on that one. I know my family is going to start fighting about it and my Grandmother is already starting the complaining and fights between other family members. I know that it will end in a huge fight and just hope the police are not called in like many other family events. I do not see why they cannot get along for at least one day a year. They always have to be fighting and when they get along, it means that they are planning to do something big. At least two of my uncles are in jail right now so I do not have worry about my other uncles and them getting into fights there. I worry about my Grandmother and what she is going to say when the day comes.



Another thing is my birthday will soon be here. Some people have already asked me what I want and have gotten upset when I say nothing. My Mother found out I was saving to take a course on my own at my college and asked me about it. I told her that my scholarship will not pay for it and neither will a loan because it is not required for my degrees. It is a fantasy writing class and I am very determined to take it. I want to save for it on my own so I do not take it for grated and I will work twice as hard in it. But my Mother told family members to give me money to pay for the extra course. All of my family and my friends around here are upset with me because I said I wanted to stay home and by myself for my birthday. I do not want to celebrate it and do not want around everyone. I want time to myself, to write, to heal, and to just get time to myself and relax and cry if I feel the need to which I will. I do not even know if I will get on here that day. The closer it gets the more I think and the more I think the more my thoughts race. Certain thoughts are back and I push them away and tell them they are not wanted anymore. They return and always do. I have not cut for so long now and it is getting to me in many ways now. But it is a battle I need to fight on my own which is why I do not mention it to friends when talking to them. They do not need to worry when they have soon much to worry about already. I am okay and refuse to give up. I will not break my promises that I have made and will stay strong for, not only myself, but my friends and loved ones.



As my birthday approaches my thoughts remind me of my Father. They tell me I abandoned him. How did I do it though? I only followed his whims and last wish. He did not want me to be home so he could give up as easily as he did after I was gone. I would have called 911 and would have gotten him to the hospital. He knew it. He did not need his last moments to be lived in an ambulance or his last hours or days lived in the hospital. I am glad he died at home where he wanted to die. I keep on seeing images from that morning and seeing the pain in his eyes. I have never seen so much pain contained within someone's eyes as I did his that morning. I knew what was going to happen and at the time, I chose to respect his wishes and to leave like he told me to. I know some family members blame me because I could have saved him. I know they hold it against me but he was in pain and could not fight to stay alive any longer. I regret it in a way but those ways are selfish.



Another thing is my kitty cat has been acting very strange lately. She has been more lovable and meowing when I leave her alone at night. I fear that I will lose her soon. She is trying to get outside to run to the woods. Also I woke up a few nights ago and she was not breathing anymore. When I panicked, I shook her to try to get her back. She took a gasp of air and I could not leave her go after that. I just sat there crying and holding her, afraid to leave her go for she would disappear from my life. She is my best friend and I love her more then anything. I would give my life for that kitty. Yes, I am aware of how pathetic that sounds but it is true. I love her with all of my heart. She has been there for me more than anyone else, listened to my problems, protected me from forces I am not aware of half the time, and is the only friend I know for sure will love me no matter what I do.



Even more is that I said goodbye to a person who meant so much to me and still does. I love him even when he is mad at me. I know I made a mistake but even if he does talk to me again, which I doubt will happen, but I will only be friends. I hurt him bad when I acted on emotions and thoughts. I wish I could take everything back but I know I cannot and I know that. I knew it when I was writing what was said but still did not stop since I was too distracted by my pain. I fear I have already lost the friendship that was there which is why I did not want to be more with him in the beginning. I knew it was going to happen. Everyone always says blah blah blah if it happens we will always be friends. Yeah right uh huh that is true. NOT!! I would love it if it was but it isn't. I have only seen two people where it happened and they stayed friends but the friendship changed for the worst and was never the same. I know I will move on in time but right now I want to move at a slow pace so I can heal the wounds from the pain. I will move on though and get over it, always do, well usually.

Promises and My Daddy Cont.
03:07 Feb 07 2006
Times Read: 1,027

I remember arguing with him to leave me stay home until my mom got there so I could make sure everything was okay and he would have me there if anything happened. I remember going through the door looking back and him promising that he would be okay, for me to get my ass to the bus stop before the bus came. I knew what was going to happen in a way and even had a dream about it during the night. He even knew what was going to happen. He told my mom to stop at my aunt’s house to help her with her paperwork. He wanted to go in peace and not with loved ones around for he knew that we would put up a fight. Even when my mother arrived home that morning, she was overwhelmed with emotions. His body was already cold and Nala was licking him trying to wake him up. My mother tried everything she could do, knowing he was already gone. She managed to give him CPR and called the fire department to come at the same time. They arrived within minutes and tried to revive him, knowing how much my mother wanted it to be true. I hate to tell her, I wanted it to be true even more then her. I feel I left him that morning and left him to die, like I abandoned him, when he really needed someone to be there with him. I know that I would have called someone; I would not have let him do what he wanted to do. I would have stopped him by any means necessary. He did not need that in his final breaths of life. I love him for doing what he did and in the same instance I hate and despise him for it too. I am selfish and I want him back. He is not suffering but instead others do now. It goes both ways on any topic of this subject.



Yes I am still continuing this. I just can only type so much because I start to lose control.

Promises and My Daddy
02:05 Feb 06 2006
Times Read: 1,043

Okay this first part is from my profile but the other is not. It is a brainstorm of emotions and thoughts. A look into my life in a way, about a day I regret and on the other hand don't regret. It is something I have not told my closest friends and they know nothing of it. It is of me at my weakest point and my father at his.

Two people who are very dear to me have said something to upset me and question everything that is our friendship. They said promises are just words. But the thing is then why do they make promises to me. Why do they want me to break promises I have made to myself and family. I don't want to lose them but it is now their decision. I cannot deal with this right now and I have made too many promises. For if promises were just words, then I might as well kill myself now and pull a Billy as my family now says. I refuse to break the promises that provide me with stability and the ones that keep me alive. I do what I want but I keep my promises. I need to be in college right now, whether they agree or not. It gives me something to look forward to, something to make me wake up in the morning. I cannot just drop out when I have worked so hard to get here. And the only thing I have to say is:

I have made my decision and all that is left is yours! I love you guys dearly and dont know whether you will read this but I hope you understand. I will no longer be talking on yahoo or aol to anyone except for two guys and some people on here. And I am not allowed on the phone at the moment so later.

The promises I have made keep me thinking about what is important in life, what I want to get out of it, and what I need to get out of it. It is not important what others think about the promises I have made but what I think of them. I know I can break certain promises once in awhile when they no longer pertain to me. Such as a promise to be there for a person when they do not want me to be there. I cannot force people to help me keep promises I have made, even to them. I wish people understood how much promises mean to me. I wish that all of them, especially important ones were kept. It would make some areas of life easier. It would allow me to stop feeling so guilty about certain promises I have broken in the past. Also to have that strawberry milk would have meant the world to me and for everything to be okay, for him to be okay. I guess my Daddy is okay, at least he is not suffering anymore. I am seriously thinking about writting everything that happened that morning down somewhere just to get it off of my mind. I cannot stand feeling so guilty. It plagues my dreams in different forms every night. Maybe it would help if I got it out somewhere, maybe I should just get it all out. It would only have to be where no family members could see it. I do not want them to see him as I did. I want them to remember as what he was with each of them. I saw him in his weakest form, his most vulnerable time, on his death bed. I cry as I am typing this much and I know if I do force himself to write the whole thing that it will be harder for me to continue typing, that I will want to stop but I need to find peace with these feelings that should not be there. I obeyed him and his final wish. I abandoned him like he wanted me too. I left him to die on his own like an animal but his instincts came into play there, he knew I would never be able to deal with sitting there and watching him die slowly and painfully. I would have called for help and would have fought. I granted his wish to be able to give up like he wanted to, he was tired of fighting and could not stand doing it anymore. He had done it all of his life, from his childhood to surviving in the Vietnam War to even his last years. He planned it and knew it was going to happen. He knew it and controlled it. I know no one can control death but he managed to do it for so many years, fighting for life to make sure my mother and sister and I were okay. I love him for it but I hold a grudge for making me leave. I cannot get it out of my mind, I remember everything from that morning and when I came home. I remember demanding the staff in the high school office to tell me that my Daddy was okay, please just tell me is okay. I remember demanding my aunt to tell me what was going on, how bad my Daddy was and what the hospital had said. Everyone in the school heard me and the teacher on the same floor on the other side on the school even heard me crying and the hurt scream that came from my mouth. I could not control anything.



I will write more later if I feel like I can handle it because right now I can no longer control my emotions and thoughts are racing. I hate having urges to go back to old habits and I refuse to do it anymore. I am stronger than what I was and I can overcome these feelings, I just have to fight it and not give up.