Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
12 entries this month
So Far...
04:35 Apr 30 2007
Times Read: 979
About four to five minutes after I wrote my last journal entry, Brett contacted me on YIM.
He is okay!
But I wonder if the dream was trying to tell me something. I rarely have dreams like that and this one explains the dreams I have been having for the past week. I have been not remembering them though. I don't know if I have wrote about them in here before but there was one where I woke up scared shitless and thinking my foot was on fire, it was complete with the smell of burning flesh.
Well in this dream about the car accident, Brett's leg and foot were on fire. So maybe I have been dreaming the same dream over and over again.
I made him promise me to be more careful going to and from work.
I can't stand the thought of losing him, let alone it actually happening, and before he gets to meet his own child.
Dreams & Reality
03:14 Apr 30 2007
Times Read: 984
I just woke up from a dream where Brett was killed in a car accident while walking home from work. I was crying and panting. Only to look at my computer and see that it is WAY past time for my phone call from him. I called the apartment in Nashville using my phone card, and our roommate answered. He isn't home yet and he is kind of getting worried too. His mom has been calling for the past three hours. And I have a horrible feeling that something is wrong. I am praying right now that my feelings and dreams are completely wrong! I have done it before, dreamed of the worse and it not happen. I just sent an e-mail to him at work, hoping to get a reply back, maybe he just got stuck on a call. Yeah, that's it. I am up here, can't do anything about it right now, my mom isn't even home, I'm still crying, and hoping for the best until I know something for sure! Please don't let my dream be true! But all I can really think about is the dream was like the ones I have had before with close family members, including the one with my daddy. I just want my Brett Brett to be okay! Everything okay! That's all!
Damn It!
04:44 Apr 28 2007
Times Read: 987
I went to the college this morning and had to deal with bullshit before I could get my point across. I am becoming to HATE that college in particular!
I dislike money problems, period. I have always been able to manage money before and always made it so I had money.
I can save money, he can't! That's the thing that irritates me the most is that he cannot save money worth shit! He spends! He is like a girl in that aspect.
And Brett, I know you are probably going to read this but it was better for me to write it out before calling you... I know it!
Noticed Something!
08:33 Apr 27 2007
Times Read: 992
One last thought to the entry I just submitted, why does it seem people have been visiting my profile in threes for the past five days to a week?
I was wondering that! Every time I log on, I check my last ten. Then I check messages, visit the forum, see what people have rated me and their comments, read journals, and then rate profiles (if I feel like it). But every time I am currently online, each time I visit my last ten, there is either no visitors or three new ones.
The number three has been coming up a lot lately. Maybe it's something, maybe it's not. I am tired and it could very well be the paranoia talking! LOL! Probably is! But oh well thought I would mention it.
I would really start wondering if I went to the OBGYN and I was having triplets! That would freak me out, just a little! LOL! I am not ready for a multiple birth, I don't even know if I am ready for this one! I am just hoping if it is multiple birth, it is twins, and no I wouldn't regret it or anything if it was more. But I know I would worry more and I would also start doubting myself and my own abilities. Is that normal?
Grrrness!
08:25 Apr 27 2007
Times Read: 993
I hate being home alone during storms! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I just hate being here by myself, period, especially during the night. I hear things in the other rooms, including the upstairs. If I didn't know any better, I would swear there are people who live up there during the night! I hear voices, crying, whispers, and footsteps. I hate it! I can't even sleep tonight because I am paranoid as hell about it!
I need my sleep more than ever right now. I am pregnant and have been feeling more drained as the weeks go on and I am not even that far along yet. Plus I have to get up early to go to the college to see about my bill that caused me to drop out. I tried contacting them through e-mail when I was in Nashville but no response back, even though I did tell them I had a change-of-address update and needed the information to start paying them. I am guessing it hasn't gone to a collection agency yet since we haven't gotten any kind of notification. I am just hoping it doesn't have interest. With a baby on the way and being unemployed, Brett is the only one working at this moment in time, they are going to have to deal with what we can pay them.
Oh and an update on the pregnancy situation... I am getting the blood work ordered by my OBGYN sometime next week. I have my first appointment with him on May 7th. I can't wait to see my baby on the screen! (Is it weird that I am hoping it's twins and in a way, I'm not?) I am finally getting over my cold that I have had since Brett left Ohio. And my belly is "out there" more than my breasts FINALLY! And I am happy I have always loved comfy, baggy clothes! We also have already gotten some of the things we need when the baby arrives, even though it is supposed bad luck before 6 months. We are getting it while we can and when it is on sale. Seriously, we don't care to spend more money later on, when we can get the same thing now for cheaper!
Also, Brett and I will be getting married within the next year, probably. We are debating about getting it done before the baby is born and then having a big wedding with family later on when we have the money and time.
I have been thinking a lot about my education lately and about getting back into college. I want to pay off the bill first before I do anything. I need to pay the bill first before adding any more debt because I also had loans I had taken out for my books and supplies. But I have been thinking about ways around it. I wanted to get my A+ certification later on, after I had finished the three associate degrees. Well Brett has the books on software and hardware. Him and our roommate, Nagey, have both been through the program at job corps. And I have been thinking about picking up the books and teaching myself. It's not impossible. I know I can do it, especially if I can get motivated. I think the baby in my belly will be enough to do that, plus it gives me something else to do. Brett would pay for me to take the A+ certification test and get me added materials to study off of. I think it is a great idea on how to continue my education without creating more debt for myself. I'm truly happy he believes in me! And I am thinking about doing it, seriously thinking, and trying to decide before I go back down in middle May. I mean what's the worse that could happen? I fail the test, that's it. Not like anyone but Brett and I would have to know. LOL! We could keep it our dirty little secret!
No, I actually do confess my failures. They happen often and are, thankfully, usually small!
I have been looking into getting some of my poetry and writings published again, thanks to Radu's contest. Only problem is, I really don't know where to start. I have been looking online but everything I can find that is free sounds like a scam. I know not to do Poetry.com because it is one. I posted one poem on there a long, long time back and they still won't take it off their website, I even called the one number they told me too! I don't want to fall for anything like that again! And I know never to sign my rights away for my works. I just want something safe, is there anything out there for me?
I have also been thinking about VR lately. I love it here and have been thinking about possibly creating a Coven when I become a sire. Note I said thinking about it! I am defiantly not sure. In fact, I am not sure about most things right now! I would love to do it though!
There is one sad thing about VR. The whelps profiles. I do believe I only gave one six tonight, out of over sixty profiles. Not because I am truly mean or anything, but I am not giving above a five when the person obviously doesn't care enough to put any effort into their profile. But it is sad that I do mostly one through fives out more than anything. I wish I could give more without feeling I am giving it to an undeserving profile! But there is that one rare person who put effort into another account and copied it onto here or has actually put TIME and EFFORT into their profile when they joined. Those accounts are so rare though! Grrrrrness! It's starting to irritate me! And yes, I am complaining! *hehe* I admit it!
Alright, I think this is enough typing for one journal entry, in one sleep-wary night. I am going to TRY to get some sleep, with music playing and my Nala Cat sleeping with me. She protects me any other time, why would this time be different? My dad's cane is also by my bed! It still smells of him and I wanted to cry when I realized that earlier. Dan paranoia, over probably nothing, most likely nothing.
I need sleep! I have to get up in two hours! Night night and wish me luck in sleeping.
Submissive or Dominant, Which Are You?
11:43 Apr 23 2007
Times Read: 1,004
I know for sure which I am right now, and I know I wish to be a switch later on down the road. Now the problem comes with the path between being submissive and becoming a switch, how can one do it? I have no clue in hell! All I know is I want to do it. I want to be completely submissive (more than I already am), yet be able to be dominant every now and then. I know I have to work through my own fears and work on also accepting some incidences in the past without dwelling on them or letting those incidences be the reason I want to get into that part of my relationship with Brett. We are far from ready to get into a dominant/submissive relationship, completely off target. Communication is one of the biggest things involved in any kind of relationship but most importantly ones where you let the other have complete control over you. That scares me but intrigues me at the same time, not having any control whatsoever. I always have certain cravings that some of my friends know about, but I never talk of them, except in my poetry every once in a while and when I break down. I have always wondered if a BDSM relationship, even a mild one, would help me to control or deal with them. I know they aren’t going to go away completely but I want to learn how to “manage” them. I know to someone who knows or understands exactly what I am talking about might think that is impossible to do, but come on, nothing is impossible, it might just take more determination to do. I used to control the cravings by cutting but I can’t do that anymore and haven’t been for months and months now. I am getting close to a year without doing it but I admit I have had my fair share of relapses that no one knows about except one or two people. And even if I decided to explore the world of BDSM, I won’t do it until after my baby is born and probably some time after that event. I know there has to be limitations set in place and also safety words.
What I want is somewhat simple and yet complicated. I want a few perfect romantic nights that are not prepared by me but by that oh so special one I want to be with for life (he should defiantly know who he is by now). I want to make love in front of the fireplace when it is chilly outside. I want him to wake me up already having sex. I want those forceful nights where he takes what he wants, where its gentle force at first and turns a little more aggressive, all knowing I can end it all with one word and having complete confidence in it. I want to be the one who throws him on the bed, teases him until he can’t take it anymore, where he demands it and I have the power to say “no” and make him wait longer. I want that spice, the thrill, the fear, the security, the rush, the somewhat fight, and the acceptance. I want it all with the safety that comes with it knowing I won’t be truly hurt. I want to witness the beauty that can come from complete trust between two people, while I am one of those people. I want all this and so much more.
But it scares me because maybe, just maybe, I am trying to revive the past, the pain, the emotions, and the nightmares but replacing one with another who I love more than I once did that person. Just maybe… and that terrifies me.
More Blood Work
05:05 Apr 19 2007
Times Read: 1,015
Earlier today I found out for sure that I am pregnant and also that my calcium is very low. Well my doctor ordered more blood work to be done on me. So I faced off with another needle today!
*Even though I am terrified of needles, facing off with them is nothing compared to the cramps in my belly and the aches in my back and defiantly my breasts.*
I also made my appointment with my OBGYN since I had to have a blood test to confirm I am pregnant. I couldn't get in until May 7th but they did give me prenatal vitamins and tons of reading material.
I have decided to have the baby down in Nashville since Brett can't really get off work to travel to Ohio with me just for our baby to be born. i would never ask him to give up his job at Dell, I am seriously not that selfish.
From what we can figure, we think the baby will be due in October or November. But we won't get to know a due date until I see my OBGYN. I can't wait to hold my baby/babies. (We do not know whether I am having one or twins. I am in line for twins on one side of my family and Brett is in line from both of his sides.) I wouldn't mind having twins though.
Test Results
18:20 Apr 18 2007
Times Read: 1,026
I finally heard from the nurse today after calling the doctor's office three times yesterday and complaining today. The pregnancy test came back positive. So it is official! I am going to have a baby!
One problem though, my calcium is very low. So I have to go get the order from the doctor's office today to get more labs done. I just hope it is as simple as giving me some vitamins or something like that... not something which is going to be horribly stressful or endanger my baby in any way. I feel awful right now and I have been feeling drained beyond belief. Looks like we found out some of the reason why. At least we know now and the doctors can hopefully help me correct it.
I will write more as I know it or as I feel like it. I am also writing a poem but I don't want to post it until it is finished. More later...
Ideas, Ideas, Ideas
23:28 Apr 16 2007
Times Read: 1,030
I am using my journal as a brainstorming place for now... along with one of my notebooks. I have been thinking of something to do to save my sanity for the next 8 or 9 months. So I am going to be doing projects of sorts!
Right now I am concentrating on embroidery... custom designs I draw myself to the person's liking and then work with them on the color scheme.
I am thinking of doing wiccan symbols along with a lot of other things. I have started a list now and I am thinking of drawing some of the designs before I get back to Nashville, even though my things are there.
I am also looking into doing dream pillows. I have seen them before and always wanted one but would prefer to make my own then buy one made on a machine. So I am thinking about making them by hand once I find out the ingredients.
I am thinking about making borders to go around most of my projects to make them even more unique and also possibly making pillows upon request but I am not sure about that one yet.
Hmm, I guess I might want to start keeping these entries separate sometime in the future.
Miserable
03:09 Apr 16 2007
Times Read: 1,031
Alright, I thought I would write in here since I have nothing better to do right now. I am sick as hell and have been puking most of the day. I finally kept some water, mint oreos, and chicken and rice soup down (so far). MY cough is letting up some but I think I pulled some muscles in my belly, which explains where the pain is and the pattern of the pain. I am willing to go to the hospital if I get bad enough, especially since I am pregnant but I am getting better finally. I kept food down, my headache is gone for the most part, and I am keeping drinks down. I have not puked in about 7 hours :-) which I am happy about because my stomach can't handle much more.
I am also starting to clean out my room and pack up my things. One question keeps on crossing my mind, what size clothes do I get rid of? I mean if I manage to lose the weight after the baby is born, then good for me and I can get some more clothes. And by saying I am getting rid of clothes, I am taking them to Good Will and donating them. I like Good Will better than The Salvation Army, they charge better prices and sell better things most of the time (or at least the ones I have been to have).
Brett got to meet my family while he was up here and surprisingly my family behaved and it seems as though they like him. That's scary. Tyler Brat warmed up to him instantly, Nala Cat like him and was purring for him, and my Mom even said he might as well be part of the family! Oh and the hillside my dad is buried on didn't slide or rumble, so I am guessing my dad approves of him (LOL!). And his cane didn't come out of the ground either, have to add that while I am thinking about it!
I am hoping to get my room cleaned out and packed up in the next couple of weeks but it depends on everything else whether or not it gets down that fast.
Hehe! And I have been actually winning at bingo the past couple of times I have gotten to go. I have won twice at the DAV and I won a reverse raffle ticket from the church's bingo. I am hoping they call me and I won some money so I can put it up for the baby.
Okay I am ending this now so I can try to call my Brett Brett within the next 30 minutes, hoping he is home. I am also starting to get tired again. I have been sleeping basically all day, except for the short time I was on here earlier. Later for now.
A New Beginning for an Old Start
03:00 Apr 14 2007
Times Read: 1,039
Only certain people will understand the title of this journal entry and as for others, well I guess I didn't want you to know about it.
I go in tomorrow morning to get blood work done to make sure I am pregnant. Then off I go to see my OBGYN to get an ultrasound and everything else. I have been having some cramping in my belly but it just feels like I am going to get my period, so I am hoping and praying everything will be okay.
I am not letting the negatives get the best of me though, especially since it will happen if I believe it will.
We are trying to save money up for the baby and get everything planned for it. I am thinking about starting up a little business type thing on e-bay and also put something on my profile on here about it. I would work with people to do custom designs to embroider for them and charge them a certain price, depending on the size of the project. But I will also be willing to find patterns in the public domain, depending on what the person in question wants and depending on my time available. I am thinking of doing other little projects too, like the picture frame thing I made Brett which I will take a picture of it when I get back to Nashville since I am up here until May. I am just really brainstorming some in here is all. Oh and I might also start making bookmarks for my family and friends around here since they loved them when I did start making them.
I will write more as it comes to light and probably in the next few days since I am in Ohio until middle of May, maybe a little later.
Going Home
17:27 Apr 03 2007
Times Read: 1,048
***Alright, there is a lot to write so I am going to copy a couple of my blogs from MySpace since I am limited on time.***
*March 27, 2007*
Well I told my Aunt Sue, Uncle Jeff, and Grandma that I am pregnant on Sunday. Today I finally got to tell my nephew, Tyler, who I wanted to tell before them but couldn't get a hold of him.
I took two more test between Saturday night and Sunday morning, both of them showed positive. I'm pregnant and happy about it. I am even writing things that are positive and I have seriously had my spirits lifted.
Brett still doesn't know whether or not he is getting the vacation so he might not be going to Ohio with me now. I am hoping he can come up later though. I might be staying up there until May something but I do not know yet and haven't decided. It's getting really hot down here and our air conditioner can only handle so much right now so I am debating about it. I have been told it gets up to 90-100 degrees down here in Nashville. Whoo! That's hotter than I want it! But if I stay up there until May something, then I won't get to see Brett for over a month. I want to be with him during this but I don't want to put him through literal hell. I have been mean towards him lately when I sleep and the problem is he doesn't know when I am awake or not. I don't want him to take something I say in my sleep personally, especially since most of it is based on fears and everything.
I think people are going to be surprised of how much I have matured since I have left in January from Ohio. I don't really care about having fun and partying, seriously don't right now but honestly never did. I have only gotten drunk like three or four times and that's it. I've been to parties, concerts, clubs, and all that stuff... wow even learned some information about stuff I never knew down here. But what does it prove at the end of a day? Wow, I care more about myself than others? Or now it is that I care more about myself than the life inside of me? I don't care to even put myself in those situations anymore. I'm been sleeping at night when Brett gets home, I have actually been eating healthy now, I am taking care of myself, and even taking my medicines for my stomach and also the prenatals. I have no regrets about this, any of it. I am going to have a baby with the guy I am in love with and it seems completely right to me.
I want to be responsible and now I have to be which is a good thing. I am thinking about how everything is going to be affecting my child when I have it. I will keep my baby away from certain situations, especially since I know how fast a kid can pick up on things, look at Tyler.
I also decided that no one is going to be a godparent to my kid or kids, except my Uncle Bill. I don't really see the point of it. If something happens to me, I want Brett to get custody. If not, my mom, one of his parents, one of my family members, one of his sisters, etc. I don't want to trust anyone not blood related to take care of my child, especially when most of the people I know are not responsible enough to seriously step up to the plate and do it with my complete trust. My Uncle Bill is the exception to the godparents thing because I know if my child needs anything, he will be there for them. He has always been there for me, my mom and dad, my sister, and even my Uncle Tommy. I know if I need something I can ask him and my mom and it gives me a bit of a sense of security to know that and be able to believe it.
Just a thought, I wish I could keep my food down without puking right now... the past few days have been hell on my stomach and I am convincing myself to eat now. Never thought I would have to basically force the idea of eating into my head since the eighth grade. *No I am not even going to explain that one, I don't even think I told my best friend about it*
I have come to the realization that a lot of people who call themselves my friends put me in awkward situations where I get stressed out about it. Even when someone asks me for advice, come on, I don't care to get blamed if something I suggested blows up in your face! Please don't ask me for advice anymore people! You will probably get told to shut up and I will probably get myself away from you for a long while... okay? Alright. Another thing, don't put anymore problems on me. I have enough to worry about right now without your problems on top of it, weighing me down. So yeah, if you do any of those things, be prepared, you will be ignored. Goes for boyfriend, room mate, family, and friends. I am not dealing with crap that depresses me or makes me feel guilty anymore!
Another thing on my mind is what is going to happen exactly? I am going to be going back and forth between Ohio and Tennessee for the summer at least. I want to have the baby down here. I want Brett to be there. I am scared to death and terrified about giving birth, I always have been. I know I will feel safer with him by my side. I also know that my mom and Uncle Bill will probably come down as soon as they can after they hear I am in labor. That makes me smile knowing that.
I am tired of nightmares and dreams. Every night I am having nightmares concerning the baby within me, everything that could go wrong. But I do have to think and smile about most of the images right before I wake up... I always turn my head in another direction, opposite of where Brett is at the time, and I see my daddy holding my baby and walking away with her. If anything does happen, which I am confident it isn't, but if it does, I want that to be the outcome. I want them to be with my daddy, safe and sound.
I am staying positive about this. It is a big change for me and my body. It feels like my body is shutting down on me sometimes, but I do find something to look forward to and push myself away from the depression. But positive influence is the best thing for me and Brett right now. To remain in the positive makes it that much surer that nothing is going to go wrong. If you believe hard enough that something will happen, odds are it will.
On top of everything, I wish I could start feeling better, I wish my tummy would stop cramping, my back would stop hurting, and my stomach would stop producing so much acid. Maybe that is too much to ask, especially since I am pregnant.
*April 2, 2007*
Yay! Brett is going to Ohio with me and I won't be travelling alone LOL!
I love him lots and I am happy he gets to go with me this time. And that he is meeting my family for the first time! I can't wait!
I know I am defiantly taking him to meet my daddy. But he is meeting my mommy and her boyfriend, Uncle Bill (he is a family friend only, not blood-related) first. He is also meeting Tyler. And someone only a few family members have even gotten to meet and that's my Nala Cat! I hope she likes him but I think she will be jealous.
Nothing like a jealous pussy! LOL!
I am going to be seeing my doctors while I am up there to make sure everything is alright with me and the baby or babies (we still need to find out whether it is one or more).
I am starting to show and my mom even thinks for me to show this much, this early, there could be three reasons...
1. I am further along than we think
2. I am going to have a big baby
3. I am going to be having more than one baby
Only time and a doctor's appointment will tell which one it is...
***Now that is mostly everything new (hopefully) but I will be updating it soon when I get the time. Basically after Brett leaves Ohio to come back to Nashville. But we will be in Ohio sometime tomorrow! And he will be meeting my family for the FIRST time!***
Oh and to update this even more, I got a message from Radu last night telling me I won his contest that was in my House! I won a year-long premium membership and I am grateful and ever so happy for it! Thank you again, Radu!
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