MY TRUE STORY ( I'm not ashamed anymore)23:13 Jul 12 2008
Times Read: 874
Ok, so I guess I'll start with my childhood.My parents noticed that the other kids would torment me after school because I was different.I had been molested by a male babysitter that my parents hired then by two other teenage boys over a period of time. I was in about 3rd grade when I was diagnosed with what was then called Hyper Activity. So the psychiatrists in their "complete wisdom" perscribed Rittalin, which is an amphetamine. That's what gave me the taste. I had already started abusing it by 5th grade around about the same time my folks finally found out I was getting jumped after school by the other kids, once again because I was different. except now I was much bigger so the kids would team up to kick my ass.this kept going, right up until we moved. At the time we had been living in Southern California(Orange county).We moved north of sacramento up in the foothills. also known as "gold country" 'cause that's where gold was first discoversd in California sparking off the famous gold rush...but I digress. I was off thje ritalin by then but moving from the city to the country left me with little to do. So unless I was playing D&D with my other nerdy frends, I was drawing auditioning for the school plays or reading fantasy novels.Once again I didn't fit in.The move didn't fix the problem at all. It just changed the scenery. Then I met WEED. now, weed really wasn't for me. I already had problems staying focused with my learning disability, and had just started showing the signs of depression,cutting myself,being secluded,etc. I even started contmplating suicide. This was at about 14. I was a misfit in school and I was doing horrible, so my parents thought it would be a great idea to send me to a private "Christian" school. Northstar Christian Acadamy, which had a great reputation....from back in the early 70's.It was now around 1985 and the school( along with it's esteemed proprieter) were completely incapable of handling the youth there . They were completely out of touch. I was put in with other kids that had a lot more experiance than I ever thought I might have had. I learned everything there was to know about drugs & sex there.It was Coed, and ther was only one night watchman on duty., so needless to say...well ..you know. by the time I was back in regular school, I had done acid, snorted codien pills, smoked hashish,huffed Ether,glue, and whitout. Not to mention, I had a list of drugs I wanted to try. I went into the Marines right out of high school.While I was in I got heavy into drinking. My depression grew worse and it was starting to show in my performance while on duty. Now, Marines are notorious for handling "slackers" in their own way. Usually a blanket party which entailed teaming up on the slacker while he sleeps, pinning him down with ahis own blanket, then beating the sit out of him with pillow cases filled with bars of soap. Well I wasn't so lucky . they decided to wait and get me in the shower. They pinned me down and scrubbed my body with a large wire brush. The one thing they forgot to consider though was that I knew how to fight, And I knew how to fight WELL> I was bleeding pretty badly from the wire brush plus I was naked & soaking wet. So I didn't have a lot of traction and I could barely see with the water and blood getting in my eyes. I had gotten loose and smashed one marine in the nose & drove my fist into anothers adam's apple. The later one folded over like a paper doll, but I just pissed the first one off. There were five altogether at first now they were minus 1. Still I had no chance, and now they were really pissed off and figured I needed to be even more humiliated for my insolance. They each took turns raping me after they beat me so bad I couldn't see straight. They left me laying there all night. I didn't get any medical attention , what kind of MARINE gets ass raped by other men? Needless to say my depression took over, and I tried killing my self by jumping off the fantail of the ship I was on ( That's the back end of the ship right above the propellers. I got stoppedf in the nick of time but was then kicked out of the corps.I really had a hard time getting my life right after that I had done A LOT of spiritual searching. I left the tennats of Christianity ant went straight into Laveyan Satanism, then studied Crowely, then Eastern philosophy, Wicca buddhism, islam then just decided to be a gnostic. Till i rediscovered crystal meth It made me feel like SUPERMAN. even though it got me kicked out ofmy home and put othe streets,I still felt like NO ONE could touch me.Now ALL this time, from the first time I looked at a girl and thought she was pretty instead of infested with COOTIES, till te age of 23 I had NEVER had a girlfriend. I believed they thought I was repulsive. This had.....still IS a self delusion that I had built up through life .I still battle it today. but back to age 23. I met & fell in love with a Mormon girl, who I later converted to Mormonism & gave up meth for only to be dumped right after. Beforew I had a chance to get my senses bak, thogh I met Shauna Who I then married after Two years of dating.Now you've alredy read what she's like in my journal 10 years & two relapses later we finally separated, she left with my daughter. I soon lost my job and my apartment, and had to move in with a person I despise. things kept getting worse .until April 8th when I stepped out in front of an oncoming truck. I stepped out too early. The driver had time to swerve out of the way, but almost ran over a woman & her child. My selfish act had almost killed an innocent mother and infant daughter. It was then, that I decided to call A suicide hotline. they took my information. Had the Sherrifs Dept. pick me up and take me to county Mental Health.I was finally diagnosed with Sever Clinical depression and was put on the correct medication for it. They didn't know what to do with me though. They knew I still had A drug problem, and I was Homeless.On a whim they called the Sacramento Veterans Resource Center to see if they might have a bed open. mNow this place has a 6 month waitng list. so, it's damn near impoosible to get into. Well, they called JUST as a client was leaving, so a bed was available.whenI got here I had discovered that this was a Dual diagnosis treatment facility. A place for people who had Emotional or psychological disorders and were struggling with addiction. I also learned that they had been trying to get ahold of me since I had called the suicide hotline. This is where the Universe was guiding me to. this is where I so desperately needed to be. I saw the grand design that led me here & was greatfull. I have since learned that I'm due for a substantial amount of money. and am also getting help with getting custody of my daughter. The Universe has graced me & I live now in humble gtatitude.
COMMENTS
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Sinora
14:32 Jul 13 2008
That's quite a life.
VampireQueen01
23:18 Jul 24 2008
oh..my..goth.!!!!!! halfway through i started crying. good goth if all that shit happened to me i would be dead by now
vampyricfaerie07
05:10 Sep 23 2008
You are such a brave person... I'm shocked at what I read, yes, but you are VERY strong, and don't let anyone tell you different. I see you in another light. Not repulsive in the least. More admiration than anything else. I admire you because you have the will to fight, and keep going. You're a great man Papa Bear. Don't ever change.
Hugs and kisses,
Sara
wolfysnightmare
02:09 Oct 04 2008
It's a good thing you are no longer ashamed. That is the 1st step to making our lives better *hugs*
LordOfWolves
23:49 Jan 25 2009
bro, first there is nothing to be ashamed of, second, damn you told me i'm brave.. but what i felt is not the half of what you went through!!
in this days that we are talking, you taught me the real meaning of be a man, to face life and not run away from it like i used to.
I'll say it again, i'm damn sure that my adored sis could not find a better man!!
wolfdreams
19:25 Jun 13 2011
i enjoyed reading about your life, i hope you are doing good