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I never know when he is gonna call me but no matter what he calls me atleast once a week. I love him so much, sometimes it surprises me, I never thought I could love a man as much as I love joey, after alan. Alan used to be the one I couldn't let go of, but now I can't let go of joey. It would kill me devistate me anihalate me to lose Joey,

and I don't like to think about it but he is older than me, and a smoker and by smoking he is being selfish, he is keeping away from me years of his life with every pack of cigaretes, And what If he dies at the age of 40? what then, what will I do when I'm 31 years old with two kids, maybe even three, How Will I Take Care Of Them When I'm so Devistated?



Joey got ran over by a car a week or two ago, what do I do If he gets ran over again but this time its fatal? Who Will I Turn Too? Whose Sholder Will I Cry On? THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MAN 9 YEARS OLDER THAN ME?



I try to not think about it. I try not to think at all because when I do all these worries pop up in my head, Which Is what happened with Alan, I thought about him too much, I disected everything he said to me, I thought about all the bad things that could happen. (And this was all through 8th and 9th grade) There for I Ended up crying over him every night, or every other night, Because I was afraid that my family Might of been right that if he had loved me he would of called me more often, and every time I talked about him to my family they kept instilling more and more doubts. The reason I could smile and play happy at school is because I got to see him, he was the reason I dragged my sorry ass out of bed in the morning.



This is the reason half the time I sound like I'm stupid, because If I stop and think, and let my mind wander, I would be spending every night crying myself to sleep untill Joey was in my arms again.



If Joey died, I would probably try and seek solice from alan, probably not in a romantic way, just to have a sholder or with him being so tall and arm to cry on.



Now I send out a prayer



Please God and Goddess let Joey have a long long life, please keep him healthy and safe, please let nothing that could be fatal happen to him.

By the thoughts of a love lost, yet not lost because I know He wants me, I know he cares. and It is tearing me apart because I know I will allways love him.



He is my cryptonite, he is my every weakness...

Everytime He talks to me, or msg's me I get sucked slowly back into the vortex that is him.

My grandmother treats me like I know nothing, and she cannot stand people treating her like she treats everyone else, because she has a supiriority complex.



And it is fucking driving me crazy I can hardly stand living with her anymore!!! Sometimes I wish she would just keel over and end my misery, but because she is my family, I have to suffer with the fact that even If i hate her i'm stuck with loving her too, so all I can do is imagine in my mind her mouth fused together so she cannot talk or her toungue cut out, and Me not bothering to learn sign language...

you are beautiful, some people say I am but I can never see what they see when I look into a mirror

He was supposed to visit on the fourth which right now is yesturday, I was so angry that he stood me up, I kept wondering If he even wanted anything to do with me, But then today I recieve a phone call telling me that he has been in an accident, I felt so foolish I felt so soiled simply because of my anger.



And while I felt soiled my anger turned inward simply because of all of the weight I put on my beloved's sholders.



I love him and miss him so much!