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I've always said that love isn't possible for me. Love is overrated, Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate!

Well, now that I'm 35, it's time I stop lying to myself. Its not that I don't care, its that caring hurts so much, I feel like I bleed every time I allow myself to care. Everyone I have ever cared about has let me down. Friends, lovers, family, one by one they have all let me down. I feel like everyone I have ever cared for has betrayed me, and yet I still care, deep down inside I care. Do they care for me?

It doesn't matter if they care for me, and thats what hurts so much. thats why I'm so alone in this world. Because I know they don't. And it makes me angry, furious, the rage is uncontrollable, I just want to hurt, maim, wound and scar them.

Most of this is because Im under the influence of cold medicine, but here goes.

I've been an outcast all my life. Neither welcomed in the light or the dark, I straddle the middle, one foot in high society, the other in the graveyard. Because of this dual nature, I am outcast even from fellow outcasts.

This leads me to a lot of hatred, and a lack of self confidence. I have more friends online then I do offline.

I want the world, I think I should have it all, and everyone should love me, or at least respect me. I feel I should be much further along on life's highway then I am now. Here I am, I'm turning 35 next Friday (Friday the 13th baby!) and I have no one to share my birthday with.

I'm so lonely, that sadness has turned to hatred. I want to hurt people, anyone who casts me out and forces me to live a life of solitude.

Well, thats the end of this rant, I'll right more when I need to vent.