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I got what I asked for, though I never meant to intrude. I still dont know how I'm supposed to breathe...
All of the worlds oxygen has denied my lungs and filled them with liquid thoughts of you...and somebody else. I was always good. I was always true and pure.
Perhaps in the late of night as I write this...I think...that maybe I should never speak. Slip into a catatonic state and let the dark isolation embrace me. Let it claim me. Maybe I should disappear and be considered dead.
You said you loved me.
You said you loved me.
*hangs head down and wipes the giant tears away, sobbing quietly*
I feel like complete shit. I have a cough that wont quit, fever and a pounding headache. The cherry on that cake is feeling like the world just sorta shat down my throat....and it makes me question if im being optimistic or unrealistic.
After an avalanche of dysfunctional bullshit from family and friends, suddenly I find myself trying to interact normally. I dont even know what defines normality anymore. As bad at it sounds, I guess normaility to me defines people who dont use serious drugs, people who dont use physical violence to solve problems and people who dont intentionally hurt each other. It almost feels like a sport. I sometimes get spent just trying to hold it together, for myself as well as my sister which is just mind boggling since she's the one who's usually always got it together. Im way pissed that a certain railroad (coughs,Union Dicks ,coughs) cant get their shit together. Well, I guess as snide as it sounds (and I shouldnt think like this), I take a little comfort in knowing that when I march my ass up to glory...I'm not the only one thats gonna have one LONG story to tell.
I miss my nephew. *sighs*
He's forever the perfect little boy eventhough he's thirteen now. Im so proud of him. He's had to overcome so many obstacles. He told me he's going to be Jason for Halloween....ooooooooooooh. Scary lol. He's my little mini me when it comes to Halloween. No shit, one year I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he asked me for another Halloween. Gotta love that! He's discovered scathing sarcasim too. I've taught him well lol.
My mother. Wow. That is probably one woman who has anti-freeze running through her veins. It gets rough when you want to do the right thing and honor or respect thy mother.....but she doesnt have the slightest idea of the damage she's done. I guess after 30yrs, all I hope for now is that she may come around. That she might realize how selfish she's been. I often wonder if she's the devil. She's often expressed the same about me.
I found myself having to tell my older sister that our mother is disconnected from the world. She doesn't have a clue as to what really goes on and how people operate. That she's out of touch with basic human emotion.......and it sucked. It sucked then and it sucks now. You can only watch somebody get hurt over and over again before you get fed the fuck up. Yes, our mother was the type that felt better when she inflicted emotional distress upon people. Little wonder why I strive everyday and vow to never be like her. A homeless man once asked me if I had change to spare and I gave him some money and told him to get out of the cold, and she was mortified.
"Dont give vagrants money Diana!" she said ticked off, after we got out of earshot. I coulda sworn this woman raised me to be more sensitive than that. I suppose that woman is long gone. Fadded with time and lots of disposable income.
I suppose I will go and try to relax and hope for a better tomorrow. Once again,I will pet the dog, have sleepytime tea and then make some more changes in my life tomorrow.
I'm in...............probably one of THEEEE most shittiest moods, ever, that I can recall. Not the sad kind either, that blood curdling anger that makes you wanna strap someone down and inject them with potassium chloride right under their finger nails. Then with each uncomfortable scream you just sorta hollar in their face,
"If you ever screw with me again, I'll rip your ears off and shove them in your back pockets so you can hear me kicking your ass!"
Aaaaaaahhh yeah.
Sweet.
So, yeah. I guess since that'll never happen, im going to settle for having a 'special brownie' tonight to help take some of this hostility outta me. I'm meaner than a pittbull shiting tacks right now.
You know what time it is? It's time................for a little Static X....
COMMENTS
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SapphireRayn
11:48 Oct 29 2009
*huggles*