12:07 May 22 2011
Times Read: 635
I was about six or seven years old when my father sat me down and made me hold his hands to pray to God. Julie (my sister) was alseep and my mother was next door visiting with my best friend's mother for a little while. It wasn't a normal prayer that he and I had. "Hold my hands," he said to me in a soft voice. Normally, my father was always such a grumpy man, but not that night. I smiled and held on to hands. We were in the den and the house was very quiet. "You love God, don't you?" he asked with a soft smile. "Yes." I replied. "Do you love God like you love me and mom and Julie?" he asked me. "Yes." I said. He smiled. "And you love living here in this house with us, right?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. He smiled and nodded. "From now on you have to love God more than me and mom and Julie," he said. I remember giving him a confused look and I felt nervous. "It's okay to like living here in this house with us too but from now on I want you to understand that your real home is up there," he said pointing upwards, "Your home is up there with Jesus, do you understand?" he asked. I nodded my head. "Yes..." I said and started to cry.
"Don't cry...don't be sad. This is a good thing," he said holding on to my hands a little bit harder, "God is going to let you feel his love." I was scared for some reason and almost trembled. "How come I have to love him more than you guys? How come I can't live here if he loves me?" I asked him tearfully. My dad took a deep breath and smiled at me. I wasn't used to him behaving so nicely with me."No, it's not that you can't live here anymore. You just need to know that your real home is up there with God and the good angels. You have to love him more than anybody because he sent Jesus here to this world so that you could go to heaven with me and mom and Julie." he said and looked as if he was going to cry. "You want that, right?" he asked. "Yes," I said. "And you want to show God that you love him, right?" he asked me. "Yes," I replied. "Im going to pray with you so that he'll always be in charge of protecting your soul," he said in a soft voice, "You do want God to protect your heart and soul, right?" I smiled back at him and nodded my head. "Good! That's great!" he said and gave me a loving look. He kissed my hands and cleared his throat. "Close your eyes and pray with me now," he said. "Okay," I replied. "Heavenly father, Jesus Christ almighty, thank you for blessing this family and letting Diana understand what this prayer means. Lord I ask that you keep us blessed and safe from Lucifer's army and that you protect her for the rest of her life. Heavenly father, I ask that you protect my wifes soul, Julie's soul and my soul. Lord I ask that you will watch over this family and keep us together in your name and in your home in heaven. Father, I ask you to remove all fear from her as she prays to you now..." he said and held on to my hands a bit more, "It's okay, Diana, Go ahead, Pray to God and ask him to protect your heart and soul and he'll hear you."
I felt a little nervous. I didn't know why. Then suddenly I felt happy. Almost excited and I spoke up. "God, if it's okay, I want to go to heaven with my mom and dad and Julie. Please protect my soul for forever," I said. My eyes were closed and I knew that my father's were too. Right then and there it felt warm. Warmth all over my skin as if I was being hugged and even through my closed eyes it seemed like somebody had turned on a bright white light right above me and my father (as crazy as it sounds, i swear that this happened).
I suddenly began to cry but I never opened my eyes. I didn't know why I was crying either. I'd never felt anything like that. I didn't quite understand but I did understand that it was such a great feeling. I could hear my father crying too and I knew that he was crying for the same reason that I was. I also found myself squeezing on to his hands a bit more and my father spoke again, tearfully. Happily. "Heavenly father...thank you for saving my child's soul. Lord, thank you so much...for showing her your love! In Jesus Christ we pray, Amen." I found myself saying, "amen" with him at the same time too. That bright warmth stayed even after I opened my eyes. My father had these giant tears streaming down his cheeks. "It's okay dad, don't cry!" I said and hugged him. He laughed and he held on to me. He explained to me that they were happy tears. "I know. I have them too, see...?" I said and pointed at my cheeks. We both just sat there with eachother for a few minutes and smiled. "Was that god making it warm?" I asked my father. His jaw dropped and he kissed my forehead happier than I ever saw him. "YES! You felt the holy spirit!" he said. I was excited with him. "I like god," I said laughing. My dad cried more of his happy tears and said, "That's why I wanted us to pray together like this."
I learned much later on that he had done the same with my sister and that she about the same age when they prayed together for the same thing. I also learned later on that she felt the same warmth and the sensation of this loving brightness that overcame her.
I wish that I could say that we were a happy family (especially after that). I wish that I could say that we didn't grow up in complete disfunction. I wish I could sit here and say that things were good...............but I can't. My father, though his heart was in the right place, was a deeply tormented man who believed that the rapture would happen...every single year. He was truly a radical born again Christian who feared 'the end'. It was almost as if he was sad when these religious fanatics predicited these things and they didn't happen. Then, as I got older, it seemed as if he was angry about it. I hold on to that memory of me and dad because it was so pure. Because the love we shared and felt was like nothing I had ever known. I hold on to it dearly because it was one of three tender and loving moments that I had with him. Everything else was pain, sadness and hatred. We heard it all in the years after I prayed with him that night. He was one of those wildy fanatical christians that believed that there would be a one world leader. He believed that technology (as we have today) would eventually damn our souls. He believed and preached to us (endlessly) about the mark of the beast and how this world leader would be the Antichrist.
He believed that all would be forced to get a micro chip implant that would control everything we perchased and that all of these chips contained the number 666. He begged and made us promise to NEVER accept 'the mark'. He believed and preached that one day there would be no Sun. That the moon would turn blood red. That all of the animal kingdom would turn against humans...even the smallest ant. He believed that freakish natural disasters would occur in one day (such as the Japan quake). He believed, preached and taught me that once war happened anywhere near Israel, that mankind was in serious trouble and that this marked the start of seven years of hell on earth. He preached endlessly about the serpent with seven heads and seven tails would devour the sinners souls. He believed every single word in revelations...so much so that he actually started telling me and my sister to ignore school work, and friends, or having our own family or anything that involved our future because the rapture was going to happen sooner than even he expected. Towards the end...he lived in fear of this. It was the darkest frame of mind I had ever witnessed. He was my father, but he became disturbing (and often embarassing) and that hurts me to the core. I do not believe in 'the end' as he believed...but I do believe that there will be an end to my own life (of course).
So..........................................................................
Again, much like all the fanatics that predicted the end would happen this year, or that year or any year...it didn't. I'm here. You're here. We're all here. My heart had such sadness in it today. My sister knew why and thought I was simply bummed out because of another radical fanatical that said today would be the end. That's not why I was so sad, or at least, the only reason why. I was sad because I thought back to the prayer we had with him and wondered why we couldn't have more time together like that. I was sad because he spent so much time trying to prepare for the end that he forgot about the begining. I was sad that somebody out there brought more doom and gloom into this world when we need the opposite. I am tired of it.
I am at the point in my life now that all I want (and need) is peace. Peace and love. I was sad because im focusing on making my life better. Happier. I'm focusing on less complications and taking one day at a time. I spent so many years lost in darkness. So many years cheating myself out of a good life. Soooo many wasted years thinking that nothing was ever going to get better. So many years of letting those who are nearest and dearest, down. It took a long time to get back on my feet...but it happened because I knew that at the end the day it would have a tomorrow and that there would in fact be, another day. Today and it's ridiculous doomsday theme left me sad because it reminded me of all the other wasted days before it. Somebody very near and dear to my heart called me, and reminded me of love and peace. Reminded me of what matters most. Reminded me of that bright side to look to.
Life, love and hope. The courage, that eventhough things get rough and times can be beyond painful...there's still so much to look foward to. I used today and all the religious goofiness as an example that we never know how much time we have or don't have, but it's
what we make of it that counts. In a strange (perhaps even sick) way, I missed my father. Badly. I wish that he wouldn't have killed himself. That's what made me sad. I wish that he could have just held on a little longer to see that life can be a real pain in the ass but it's also real interesting adventure too. Time is precious. Life is already too short. Just hold on and make the best of it.
I got to see my sister and nephew again today. We've been doing the family togetherness thing a lot. We spend A LOT of time together now. It's been great, actually. I missed that so much. I even got to razz my brother in law over the speaker phone because the railroad had him stuck there on the stupid train (as we like to call it). We made fun of the religious nuts and laughed our asses off that he had enough ammo upstairs to defend us from the CDC Zombies. *giggles*
Was a pretty sweet day for the end of the world. Not bad at all.
Hey, where the hell is my freaking zombie apocolypse?! I've been waiting for this one to
happen for YEARS! The one time my brother in law would totally let me borrow the 50 caliber
without question! *growls*
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