DestroyingAngel's Journal
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7 entries this month
08:39 Feb 23 2011
Times Read: 623
Pain. Inside as well as out.
So much has been going on. So much is still going on...and............
Somebody doesn't seem to understand the ammount of hurting they have done. What is and what will be.
Nothing will ever be the same.
09:29 Feb 17 2011
Times Read: 643
Scared
Confused
Unloved
I was on the verge of such good sleep when...the strange dreams started up again. These dreams I've been having seem to almost end up violent or morbid. Sometimes both. I breathe in. I want peace. It never seems to help.
What else has me awake.
One of my close friends is becoming rather distant it seems. Somebody who's been a big part of my life. Suddenly feels so vacant. So empty.
Was never like this before. I go over the things that may have gotten us both to this point and no matter what, it's still not making much sense. When we talk it doesn't feel the same and what we talk about seems to be so generic most of the time.
Feels lost.
Dark and cold and distant.
It's off to that big ass bed. Alone. Of Course.
10:29 Feb 10 2011
Times Read: 667
Distant
Cold
Scared
Depressed
Thats tonight's checklist. All of the these things have me awake. I feel as if I need to pull away from anybody who may love me...or have any shred of it left for me. Apparently I make their lives a living hell.
Great. That's just freaking great.
Distance heals and Forgetting helps, right?
I have this giant lump in my throat right now. My nose is all stingy with these tears coming to my eyes.
Going to bed feeling this way just sucks. It's a feeling I should know well...but every time is just like the first.
Hurts like hell.
10:36 Feb 06 2011
Times Read: 678
Troubled
Quiet
Tired
and feeling a bit sinister. Not good. Not good at all.
09:36 Feb 05 2011
Times Read: 694
Can't sleep and I can't help but think of the reason's why.
Angry and bitter. Knowing this and that. Sick of sometimes pretending some things don't bother me...
I've had it.
Im fed up.
Im tired.
09:53 Feb 03 2011
Times Read: 710
Im supposed to go meet up with good ol' Boston at the mall tomorrow. I haven't seen her in over three years and I find that im a bit nervous. Don't know why I get this way. I guess I stress seeing people that used to be regulars in my life from back then. I looked much better. Not as sickly, I suppose. I find that im almost always covering up what I call my 'perma sleep eyes'. Ever since the Lupus has given me so much trouble I seem to always have dark circles under my eyes. The result of constant lack of sleep and chronic pain that's never adressed properly. Im already VERY self conscience about the way I look. No matter what I do or succeed at in trying to improve my exterior, I am never satisfied with it. Never.
I know that Danielle (aka Boston) doesn't give a flying leap about what I look like. She is just like me in how we think about how a person looks. It's all about the person. 100% what makes the person on the inside. Their mind, personality and soul are the ONLY things that matter. Looks do not play a part in anything.
What's funny is that we spent about ten years kind of knowing who eachother was back in school but we never talked to eachother. I remember her as the chick who'd almost always be giving an asshole or a bitch a royal beating if they made fun of her or her friends. She remembers me as the funny chick who the rest of the students called 'Hollywood'. It wasn't until we were neighbors at the apartments we lived at that we started getting to know eachother and found out we both went to the exact same schools. Very different social circles though. There was always a person that knew us both. Always a link. Always a friend of so and so who saw or heard of some jackass things we did back then. The first year we were friends we'd constantly find ourselves recalling a tale we had heard about eachother and end up cracking up. It'll happen tomorrow too. Always does. Without fail.
I am excited to see her. She REALLY needs a few hours out for shits and giggles since she's always got the baby. When she's not trying to be supermom she's got so many issues with her Ex and court related things. He's a real jerk I just want to see stricken from the planet. That man truly has no soul left. Useless as they get. It sadens me so much that he abandoned her and the baby. He truly needs mental help and rehab.
We're supposed to do lunch and she wants to help me look for a gift for my mom's Valentine Birthday. I usually get mom something with her birthstone in it but times are tough and I just can't afford the type of jewlery she wears/wants. She's also one of those people that already have everything they want or need so this makes it extra hard. If all else fails and I don't find something she might enjoy this year im going with the fail proof option...
A hallmark shoebox greeting, a starbucks gift card and her favorite See's candies. The gold box (of course). No matter how strict she may be dieting, those truffles WILL get eaten!
*evil snicker*
09:43 Feb 02 2011
Times Read: 722
What's got me the fuck awake tonight...*sighs*
Mom. Sister. And a few long lost friends.
Mom's birthday is on Valentine's Day. Grandma fell into her fatal coma on mom's birthday last year.
Julie's in a coma. It's called her own world.
I found out that a long lost friend is trying to find me. Again. Me and this friend parted ways for many reason's. Then there is Becky. I met that girl in junior high for christ's sake. She's got my two god daughter's. Ezabelle Diana and Aurora. All I know is that she was last living in Bullshead Arizona. She was fleeing from that rat bastard again.
I miss Becky. We kind of split apart after we discovered my father had commited suicide. It's hard to remember sometimes that she was there next to me that day. She was behind me when I opened the garden shed's doors. I went white (everything went white) and I heard fragments of her screaming into the cordless phone to 911 that he was blue. I know that she went through shit after dad as well, if not more. One year prior to that, HER best friend hung herself on her tetherball court on Becky's birthday. Then the poor girl was burried in the cemetry across the street from where I lived with my parents. We used to go there at night and visit Crystal with tea light candle's and flowers. We just didn't know what to say to eachother after those things. We would just sort of stare at eachother with a blank expression and hug. The horror of 1998-1999 had drove us apart.
She isnt internet savvy at all. Barely knows how to work a cell phone. She hates technology with a passion. I know that she's wanting to hear from me. Wanting me to find her again. It's a feeling we both get. Deep in our souls. Unrest and memories from our childhood and teenage years.
I'll find her or she'll find me. I know it. It's just much harder to do when two people want to remain elusive from the rest of the world and not eachother.
*side note*
I saw your kismet, jackass. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
I warned you.
Stay the fuck away from me. I mean it.
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COMMENTS
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FeverDreams
09:29 Feb 23 2011
DA.... Babe i dont like you hurting like this ... I am just a message away ....
captainglobehead
14:15 Feb 23 2011
Same here. I'm always here to talk, to listen, if you need me.