The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .



The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.



To show off, the Engineer called his cat,



"T-square, do your stuff."



T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his cat could do better.



He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."



Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."



Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.



Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"



The Government Employee called his cat and said..... "Coffee Break.....do your stuff."



Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........

ate the cookies...............

drank the milk..............

pooped on the paper....................

screwed the other three cats.....................

claimed he injured his back while doing so..................

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........

put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

(this is for the guys)



First, the Lord made man...





First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing." After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.







Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,



Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.



Two lovely hips to increase his desire,



And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.



Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,



Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.



Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,



And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.



Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,



And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.



'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.













Then he added a mouth.

While I was watching the games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.



During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.



She got up, unplugged the TV and the computer and threw out all my beer.





Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.



The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."



The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."



The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."



The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."



The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

To: former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian. We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points: There is no need to panic; and we could all be killed!



Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: 1.Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. 2. Put these supplies into your car. 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.



Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: Homeowners insurance. If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: It is reasonably well-built, and it is located in Nebraska.



Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay you money and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.



So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.



Shutters: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters with advantages and disadvantages.



Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.



Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.



Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.



Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds. You can be sure of this because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.



Hurricane proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.



Evacuation route: If you live in a low-lying area you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.



Hurricane supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.



In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights, at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so get some!). A 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there will be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.





Good luck and remember: its great living in paradise.

Try this - Childrens Science Exam



If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam

Answers:



Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.



Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.



Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.



Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the

moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.



Q: Wha t are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.



Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.



Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.



Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the

borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.



Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.



Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)

A: Nearby.



Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.



Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,



"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"



The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."



The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.



"Have you found Jesus?" The preacher asks.



"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, reverend."



The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,



"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,



"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"