The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after

church one Sunday afternoon when he came to

a crossroads where he met a little girl coming

from the other direction.



"Hello" said the little boy.



"Hi" replied the little girl.



"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.



"I've been to church this morning and I'm

on my way home", answered the little girl.



"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also

on my way home from church".



"Which church do you go to?" asked the

little boy.



"I go to the Baptist church back down the

road" replied the little girl. "What about you?"



"I go to theMethodist church back at the top

of the hill", replied the little boy.



They discover that they are both going the same

way so they decided that they'd walk together.



They came to a low spot in the road where spring

rains had partially flooded the road so there was

no way that they could get across to the other

side without getting wet.



"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's

going to skin me alive" said the little girl.



"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new

Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.



"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little

girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and

hold them over my head and wade across".



"That's a good idea", replied the little boy.

"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".



So they both undressed and waded across to the

other side without getting their clothes wet. They

were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry

before putting their clothes back on when the little

boy finally remarked.



"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist"

Once upon a time there were two brothers.



One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.



The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.



As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.



One day the evil brother died.



Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.



He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."



"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.



"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."



So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.



The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."



God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups



1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."



2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."



3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."



4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put

pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.



5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.



6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).



7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.



8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."



9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to

find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."



10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass

you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.



3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.



4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.



5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to

use a timer.



6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:



You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Remember:

* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.



And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"



"Yep!"



"Do I know her?"



"Nope!"



"This woman, is she good looking?"



"Not really."



"Is she a good cook?"



"Naw, she can't cook too well."



"Does she have lots of money?"



"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."



"Well, then, is she good in bed?"



"I don't know."



"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"



"Because she can still drive!"

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find enough British staff.



"You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".



The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"



The cannibals all shook their heads "No".



After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"



A hand rose hesitantly.



"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.



One from Chicago, another from Dallas, and the third from Fort Lauderdale.



They go with a White House official to examine the fence.



The Fort Lauderdale contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then gets out his calculator, punches in some numbers and says, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."



The Dallas contractor steps up, takes some measurements, does some figuring, then says,

"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials,

$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure,

but leans over to the White House official and

whispers: "$2,700."



The official says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Dallas."

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...



From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.



The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.



Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by laughing. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)





2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)





3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)





4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)





5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)





6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)





7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)





8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)