The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'" She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here -you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a

perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.

Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing

up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP

AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road

with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used

to just sell lemonade!)









BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an

automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was

included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture

of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of

handcuffs.





BEST

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As

the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open

his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a

ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas

State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence

while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then

closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was

laughing too hard to start her car.

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.



After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"



The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.



In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.



What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"



The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island.



One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...



The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat."



With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.



The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need a jetski."



With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.



The genie looks inquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.



She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.



It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.



Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.



She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.



The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.



Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.



She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.



As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.