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I found out something about me I thought I never knew would happen. I am naturally depressed. I mean I always am. It’s like I feel safe and comfortable when I am. I don’t try to be I mean I always try to be happy and smiling. But it’s like I can never seriously or truly be happy.

I try so hard to make good of myself but yet I end up letting myself down. I am weird I know. I can’t help but be this way. I guess since a lot of stuff is happening I get used to the pain and depression is just second nature to me. I only smile and laugh around a few people. And it’s hard for me to be happy when they leave. I feel so alone without them and afraid I am so afraid…

My friends are what makes me happy. They make me feel loved and wanted and no alone. But when they leave its like, I am scared, alone, and unwanted. I don’t want to lose them I love them! No please!!! Don’t take them away from me!!!

Darkness and loneliness is all I have when their not here. Their smiles, laughs and cheers in my head but I can’t find a way to put a smile on my face. I don’t need to lose them I don’t; my life will end if I can’t be with them. My friends are my family I cant be without my family can I?

Depression, I feel it, its so over whelming. Its like its trying to suffocate me to where I lose my mind and suicide my own self. I refuse! You cant bring me down even if depression is my only safety I feel. I feel so loved and wanted in depression its taking over my mind.

But my friends…They bring me out of it. Why?! Why do they do it?! I am out in the open where ever one can see me, see me be me and only do things that are happy and fun. Why do that do this to me?! Because their smiles… They laugh, smile, and joke with me. They love me, I am so glad I have people who love me…

When they leave… When they leave is so hard for me. I am one of those depressed people who hate to be alone. Why am I alone?! Always alone… No one here…

My mother is here. She is here for me. But I wont be with her forever. I want to be with people who can. Victoria, Melissa, Alex, Justine, Daniel, Stephan, Susana, Heather, Cory, David, Frankie, Kenneth, and Jonathan. My baby brother Jonathan… 13 people. That’s all I have. But that’s all I need. I just need my friends with me.

But then again, I am only without one. One of my own. One who loves me and only for me. He gets me out of depression just by looking at me!! He is who I want, he is who I need. He who, always is there for me.

I am a depressed child for I don’t really know for what reasons. I just am naturally this way. But he…He puts me out of my misery, depression and fear. I need my friends but I need this one more! More then a lot of them…

I’ve loved him forever and I will not stop. Colby…Colby is his name… But everyone tries to take him away!! No!! Stop!!! Leave him alone!!! He is my life, my breath, my world!!! You cant take him away!!!

I’d fight for him, I will do anything just to be with him. But I wont always have him… He might leave, leave me in my misery and depression. I don’t know what will come first, Insanity or darker images in my head…

I am a screwed up little girl. I really am. I am not your average smart, sweet, innocent girl. I am darker; darker then anyone knows. I know though, I know what lies within my mind and heart. I am dark, cruel, and cold. I don’t care for much and wish I could die.

But then again, I’ll lose them, all of them!! I cant! I…I wont!! I need my friends, I need my love I need to be happy I need to stay free!! Free of depression!! Free of the cruel world that lied within my head I call nightmare!! I want to live free. Free in happiness in life.

I can only do this if they are near. I need them. Them being my friends. My love one. I need him the most… No!! Stay away…!! Leave my dark being alone and let me live in peace…

No more dark images, no more terrifying nightmares…No more suicide thoughts. I shall live, Live as a girl who is free of her dark hole of a hell nightmare. I will be free, free from which I should have never escaped.

COMMENTS

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Nirvesence
00:24 May 14 2008

i've been there my friend, and if you need someone to scream too - rant at, or just curse to see you through, please send me a message. Don't let the darkness win...as tempting as it murky waters may be, it's more satisfying to watch it retreat unfulfilled.

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POST COMMENT

The bloodiest things happen in the darkest of places. But people like us (Vamps, Wiccans, Wolfs, ect.) Are used to this. I mean we may not like it sometimes but we are used to it. We are different of the world and people want to shut us out of it. what right do they have to put us out in the cold and let us die on our own? We are people too. Well...Demons, and different types of creatures. But does that mean you have to treat us different?

No it doesnt. What have we ever done to you? People start to blame us "Freaks" for harming them. We harm them for they harm us. We are only doing it for protection. The world is a cold and deathing place. Its also scary and sometimes pointless.

I am just tired of families like mine being thrown out into the cold world and suffer to die. I dont think thats right. We are all living things. We all need the same thing. Well some of us are different. But we are still alive.

The darkest of things happen in dark places. The dark side of our side isnt all that bad. We are good kind loving people. My Coven is the best coven I've seen so far. For different creatures gather togethet to make a whole. Everyone is friends. Everyone loves each other. We have chosen to be a family.

Why cant the world do that? The world always has to been a cruel and suffering place for human, Vamps, and others to gather together. I really cant blame the world I blame the people in it. I dont see why people who critize and mess with poor defenless people. Or people that are different. We are not here to start war. We are only here to live in harmony.

We are different, We are us. We must learn to treat everyone with rescept.

My mommy in the Coven has taught me well. She has taught me to always learn to love others and try to help them. Be a good person is what she taught me. I am yet a half breed yet my family treats me normally. I am happy to be apart of my coven I am so happy to be a half breed, But mainly I am very happy to be apart of the Dark side.