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I jump out of bed not knowing what i dreamt
but all i know is that i worried about things that goes on in my head it's an never ending story with me.
things will never change around me and my family would never know about the lifestyle that i live day to day all they know is that i have mental health issures that i can not control.

(i think i'm going crazy in my own way)
the only way to keep myself in control is to keep taking my meds everyday.

(i see dead people in my head)
they tell me their stories and how they die

(i hear voices)
they dont know how to shut up and leave me the hell alone they drive me crazy and always gives me headaches.

(i feel like i'm always alone in my own hell)
no one is around me and they should stay where they are unless they trust and believe me when i tell them about myself.

(i play games to keep from going insane)
i like to play games on my playsttion4 to keep myself sane and help myself relax.

COMMENTS

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Vann
10:40 Jan 21 2020

a lot of what you say sounds like you may be a medium

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Earthgrinder
16:45 Jan 23 2020

There are ways you can soften the rawness and have a bit of peace

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she licks her blood red lips her eyes are dark black all she could do was just sit there sharping her nails her minds playing tricks on her.
she looks around as she keeps sharping her nails she thinks to herself..how fun it would be to make someone scream in pain as she watches them bleed out she lets out a evil laugh as she stand over their still body she licks the blood from her nails.so now you know what it feels like to have pain she softly speaks as she walks away with a evil grin upon her lips.
she finds a dark place to hide as she turns back into normal self she then steps from the shadows wearing a smile upon her face as she heads back to where she shares a place with someone that knows everything about her.

I dont like it when my mind goes crazy spinning out of control it gets worse when i dont sleep but i try to keep it under control the best that i can.
no one knows the true me cause i keep her locked up tightly within me never letting her out to cause trouble within this world i like to keep this world safe from her devilish ways.
she likes to keep her nails sharpen at all times ready to make someone bleed she also enjoys watching as the blood gushes out licking her blood red lips as the blood drips down.
that is the reason i keep her locked up tight she always fights with me cause she wants out to play to cause havec she gets the joy out of hurting people just to watch them slowly weever away hearing them scream out of pain makes her smile evilly i sometimes can feel her cause hevec with me that's when she wants out.
but that will never happen unless someone lets her out then its all on them they would have to put up with her and her ways( grins evily sharpening her nails please do let me out)

is there a endless game being played with my heart without me even knowing it? my heart is'nt to be played with lets just leave it that way and just go on with our lives.
i dont know how to feel anymore. lets just say that i have no heart or soul to feel anything it was all taken from me along time ago.all i want to do is love and be loved but i just dont know how anymore these feelings has been taken from me the day my heart was broken so many years ago.
he took everything the day he walked out of my life without even looking back to see if i was ok i wanted him to come back and never leave me again to be able to feel again would be a dream come true but since he's been gone everything has disappeared in thin air.
please oh please just understand what i'm trying to say its not easy for me to let everything go like that its all been locked up deep inside of me for so damn long that i just cant talk about it to anyone cause it all belongs to someone else my body,heart soul and mind cant be given to anyone but him cause he has it all locked up tight.
so all i can do is just sit here and wait for his return it might take a lifetime but i will always be here waiting for him to be safely in my arms where he belongs.
he always will be my life my world my everything even though he dont feel the same anymore everything has changed between him and i along time ago.but no matter what he'll always have my undieing love my body my soul my heart and my mind will be kept from being hurt again.
i never want anything to happen to me like it did long ago that is the reason why i wont i cant ever be allowed to feel again even to love i'm to scared to even say that word to anyone until the day i can trust anyone with my world they can slowly show me that they can be trusted to be in my world to see what being in my world is really like.

i want everything to be alright so i can live my life like i use to before the day that i was hurt by to many that has showed me what this world is really made of.
but my world is nothing but darkness with just alittle bit of light to be able to see a little whats around you but the light wont last long it will become dark again.

the person with a dark dark soul and heart

she never thought it could happen to her
her mind is shut down from lack of sleep
she has'nt slept in a very long time
she started seeing things that are not there she even hears voices that just wont stop making her go fucking crazy out of her mind.
she starts to rock back and forth sitting in the corner with all the light shut off she does'nt want to be seen or even heard all the thing that goes on in her world will never end.
what can she do to stop it from happing to her she feels the shadows surround her it never goes away she even starts to humm to herself still rocking back and forth she's always alone with no one there for her to talk to she talks to the people in the shadows even though they dont answer her.

yeah i sit in the shadows waiting for a new toy to come out and play let me show you what its like to play within the darkness of my hell. i really enjoy watching the bood go all over the place as i play really roughly.

I remember the day i lost my grandma it was the worst ever i took her death hard she was the most beautifulest woman ever she always put her hair up in hair pins befor she went to bed so when she woke up her hair would be curly and ready to be brushed she was really smart and liked to tell stories of when she was younger. it was really nice to hear her tell them when she could i loved her so much when she ened up with cancer it was the wrost thing to hear but the doctors went in and got the cancer so we thought it ened up coming back 10 times wrost then before it spreaded throughout her body she ened up dieing feb 9th 2006 two days before her 80th birthday i really do miss that woman i was her hez or even hmcfeather did'nt really matter to me i went by either names.

many many many years later my mom got really sick cause of her drinking which made her liver go bad the doctor's kept telling her if she ends up in the hospital it might be her last and she might not make it out this time but she always came out alive until the day she told my aunt that she was'nt feeling good so my mom got ready and they called the ambalance i was next door watching my nabors kids for them when my mom went to the hospital well an hour later we got a phone call saying that my mom was'nt doing good so we got a friend of ours to drive us to the hospital where my mom was.
when we got there they send us to a room which they call the family room so we sat there for so many hours waiting to talk to the doctor that was taking care of my mom when he came into the room to talk to us he said that they were hooking her up to life support as we talked i finailly got to ask him when i can see my mom he told me when they are done with her.
my aunt kept passing out she really took it hard hearing that my mom was already gone they had her on michines to keep her breathering we stayed for few hours and then we went home back to the empty trailor it felt strange not having my mom there with us.that night lana came to stay the weekend and she went with us to see my mom so she could say her last goodbye to her well that day became the wrost of the worst cause we all had to say the real goodbye to her cause we had to pull the plug on her which was really hard for me to watch them pull it from her i stood there with tears rolling down my face lana was next to me crying her heart out as we all watched her heart come to a stop i did'nt want to say goodbye not at that time so i went and sat out in the hall one of the nurses stood there with me as i cried i was feeling so lost i stood there at the door and watched as they cleaned her up.
its been almost 5 years since she passed away and i still think of her everyday of my life she was my only parent yeah at that time i still had my dad but him and i were not that close like we use to be well he also died years after my mom did but he had cancer of the throat and some other health promblems besides the cancer.yeah dont get me wrong i loved my dad but not like i loved my mom she raished me all on her own without any help from my dad.but its all good i can finailly say goodbye without crying yeah i miss them both but i know that one day i will see them again but not until my chores here are done which wont be for a very very long time i still have my grandbabies to watch grow up and to put my daughter through hell for leaving without saying goodbye and letting me see my grandson danny yeah she was pregnant with my second grandson but he was not even born yet.i dont even think she cared that she lost her grandmother she did'nt even leave a message saying anything to me when my mom passed away.its all good i gotten over the bullshit she put me through when danny was just a newborn me and my mom along with aunt judy took care of that little boy even when her stupid ass droped him off to us without anything not even his meds he needed for his kiddneys but we called faiths other grandma and she brought some stuff for danny cause he had nothing so that was nice of her to drive all the way from where she lived she showed us how to give danny his meds which was easy to do i fell for that little boy real fast we had him for almost amonth which did'nt bother me cause he was my grandson and i really did care about him.he's now going to be 5 this month and now i have a 4 month old grandson yay me lol

I recall the night i went for along walk it was a dark cold night and all the lights in the near by houses were off and there were no cars on the streets so i enjoyed the silent and the fresh air its been ages since i last went out for along walk.
my memory was'nt that good since that hit on my head that i had during that big fight i got into with my dad's new wife i just could'nt believe that he did that to me and my mom he always told us that he loved us.but i just could'nt find it in my heart to forgive him for what he done to my mom.
she has never done anything to hurt him in anyway shape or form we were a happy family together but now he's happy with someone else i made my way over to his house i rubbed my head where the bump was and softly sighed all i want is to know if he still loved me i so want to believe him but its hard to get myself to believe anything he says.
i walked up the fancy sidewalk to the front door of his nice house all the lights were on and i saw a shadow in the windows moving around in the house.i got myself to knock loudly upon the door and just stood there waiting for him to answer i took a deep breath as the door opened and there he stood with a beer in his hands just like it was before he left my life for good he looked over at me with a wicked smile upon his face.why are you here i told you long ago i wanted nothing to do with you or your mother anymore you already know that i have a new life.all i could do was stand there with tears upon my face as i sobbed.yes i already knew that you have never even cared about me or my mom you left us high and dry with no money or even a place to live my mom had to work two jobs to make ends meet.i look over at his new wife who was standing behind him laughing and i took a necklace from around my neck holding it in my hand.remember this necklace you gave me when i was younger that day you gave it to me you whispered in my ears that you will always love me no matter what happens and then you left.thats when he wiped a tear from his eyes and softly said to me.yes i remember that necklace i cant believe you still have it around your neck after all these years.
i took a step back still holding the necklace in my hands yes i still wear it cause i always thought you would return to us but you never did.i looked over at the woman behind my dad and softly spoken to her.i'm sorry for bothering you i just wanted to show my dad that i still had his necklace around my neck and always will.the woman just stood there not even talking she just looked at me like she saw a ghost or something.

why am i all alone covered in a blanket of white snow my body is stiff as hell from being so damn cold i could'nt even feel any pain at the moment even my tears are frozen to my face.
i could'nt even tell you how i got like this all i can tell you is that i woke up like this when i got out from under the snow i made my way back home just to find my roommate having a big party without my say so or even knowlage of it so i just stood there listening through the door without her knowing that i was there listening in on her talking about what she has done to me she hired someone to hurt me in ways that anyone could imagine happing to another humanbeing.i could'nt beieve what i was hearing when i looked down and saw some marks upon my body which was deep enough that blood was coming out of them i then turned around to leave not wanting to hear anymore of what she had done to me all i could do was cry the tears were burning my face cause they were still somewhat frozen. when i got to where i was going i paid for a room so i could settle down and take a shower to wash the blood away from the marks left on my body i just could'nt handle the thought that someone who i thought of as a friend has turned their back on me just to see me get hurt.
when i woke up the next morning i was sore and hurting i layed there staring at the wall still in shock over what i heard i did not want to beleive it but it did happen when i get the chance to kick her ass out and take back my house which belongs to me.
when i made my way back to my place i opened the door and there she stood infront of me looking me up and down.look what happened to you she laughed turning her head away from me.i find it funny that i got some guy to hurt you and all i had to do was pay him.when she said that right to my face i could'nt help but hit her right across her damn face as she started to laugh again.i look at her and told straight to her face without laughing myself.i want you out of my house i do not care where you go i just want you out i pointed towards the door for her to leave.she stormed out and as she did.she turned and looked at me.i'm glad that i hired a man to hurt you like i did.she then took off as i slamed the door shut not even looking back i begun to clean up the mess that she left behind her all i did as i cleaned was shake my head at the mess all around the place.
i sighed as i started to remember everything that happened that fearful night something i dont want to remember but the memory's sweeped back to me.
it has been years since it happened and i many have almost forgotten everything about that night i never want to see her again she has weaken me to the point of no return she use to be my good friend but now she's nothing but a enmy to me and it will never change she will always be hated and want to be hurt like she did to me long ago i will make her life living hell by the time am through with her she will want me to forgive her for what she has done to me.
but i will never in my life forgive her
she will pay for what she's done to ruine my life like she did all because of her my life has been changed i now live in complete darkness with a dark soul dieing to get out and cause alot of pain to those who has wronged me in ways that no one will ever picture it in their heads.
she sat there digging her long dark nails into the wooden bench as her dark mind start to wonder she evily smiles as she watches the group of those who made me the way i'am now.
things are differant in my life my new found friends are of my kind i now belong to a dark circle of people who i truly trust and they accepted me for who i'am.

She welcomes the darkness...she wonders why she feels the way she does no matter what happens around her she has no feelings about things that comes her way.
she takes a deep breath and heads towards the door not knowing whats on the other side she reaches out and turns the door knob really slowly and when she sees that there's nothing on the other side of the door she takes her first step outside she takes a deep breath of fresh air enjoying every minute of it she started her journey onward.she never knew what it was like to be outside cause she's been locked up in her own house for many many years she was so scared to let anyone see what she has become the monster that she kept locked up deep inside of her was waiting to be let loose it was giving her hell of a fight but she always won.
her life has changed for the worst not even her own family knew where she was cause she ran away from them long time ago she did'nt want them to know about her evil side that she kept hidden from them for along time.
but she knew that one day they will come looking for her and she just could'nt allow that to happen yeah she misses them darely but it has to be this way until she can keep the monster she has become under control.
never wants to hurt anyone if that damn thing got out and become uncontrolable there would be no way to control the beast within her.
but she's out looking for her mate someone that can keep the beast in control when their together it will be for life.

page 2 soon to come

I never even thought i could feel this way for anyone these days since I go through alot of shit in my past alot of shit goes through my mind it never stops it just keeps going. all i want is for it to end for my damn mind to stop going like it does.
nothing makes sense to me anymore i just dont understand why i go through this on a daily basies this mental health bullshit really sucks even though its been many years since they told me what was wrong with me and what i had i learned how to deal with it cause its part of me and who i'am i can never get rid of it.
so who ever i go out with has to learn how to deal with me and my mentel health and how to handle my out brakes when i have them which is'nt offten thses days its because i learned how to handle when i have those damn melt downs which is'nt pretty to the eye sights.
i try my hardest not to have a melt down but sometimes it's really hard to stop when i have those it's when someone pushes me over the damn edge is when i brake. my mind goes completely blank and i just blackout not knowing whats going on around me.
its the hardest thing to go through not even my family knows how to deal with me when it happens there is no way to stop me just sit back and let it go until i calm down

she heard a loud banging noise coming from the living room she slowly makes her way downstairs to see what was going on and when she got to the bottom step she saw a black figure standing infront of the living room window. all she could do was just stand there not even breathing heavy she did'nt want that thing to go after her so she backed up slowly making her way back upstairs to her bedroom and shut the door behind herself.she did'nt want to make that thing mad just by making noises she sat on her bed listening to the movements going on down there her heart started to beat really fast cause of what was going on in her house she just could not stand it anymore.
she had the house to herself cause her parents were gone they were attacked by that thing downstairs she could see her parents bodies laying on the floor of the living room and that figure standing over their bodies making growling noises down at them.she stayed in her room trying her hardest to not make any noises her cell phone kept ringing off the hook so she took it and threw it out the window not to make any sounds but it was to late that thing was making its way up the stairs she locked her door just so that thing could'nt get to her.

she looks into the merror with tears in her eyes wondering why this has happened to her she softly runs her hands over her growing belly whispering softly to herself.it will all be ok her mind was shutting down cause of the stuff happening in her life she never thought for a second that she would make it through the pregancy but so far she has been doing alright throughout the months as she feels the baby moving and kicking every few seconds she softly sighs. oh god please help me through this i need you more then ever she sits on the bed looking around the room wondering where she should place the babies stuff.there was a loud knock on the door she quickly gets up from the bed and heads to the door and opens it.there stood one of the guys that raped her and gotten her pregnant she could'nt believe her eyes that he was standing right infront of her she shook her head in disbeleive.what are you doing here? your not allowed here she spoke softly as her hands are placed upon her stomach.she looks into his eyes waiting for his response.he clears his throaut as he speaks softly to her. i'am here to make good to you and let you know how sorry i'am for what i did to you as he stars at her stomach seeing how it grew in the past few months he shook his head alittle knowing that its his baby growing in her he reaches out his hand to feel her belly but she jumped backwards to avoid him touching her stomach.what in the hell are you thinking you are doing she yells at him as loud as she could to make him jump back in the hallway away from her.she could not beleive what he was trying to do after all he did to her she felt like she wanted to throw up at the thought of him near her or even touching her in anyway she slams the door in his face as she yells..get out of here you fucking pig you expect me to allow you to be in my babies life after what you did to me? she keeps yelling through the door knowing he was still standing by the door cause she could hear him breathing heavly...please leave me alone i do not want you any where near me your nothing but a rapest and a useless piece of shit for what you have done to me and many other's like me..he breaths heavyer as he speaks through the door to her...i did nothing wrong you were drunk so how in the world would you remember anything that has happened besides getting you preganant you really think that i raped you? he stands there waiting for her to speak his heart begained to beat really fast knowing he was lieing about what he has done to her in that time he jumps backwards alittle as he heard her speak loudly through the door again..i know what you did to me and i also know that you are lieing just to keep yourself out of trouble for what you have done..i never thought you would ever hurt me like you did i really did like you so much ..she feels hot tears rolling down her cheeks she takes the back of her hand and wipes away the tears and takes a deep breath as she waits for another response from him but she did'nt hear nothing but heavy footsteps leaving the door..it sounded like he was leaving without saying another word to her not even a response to what she said to him..she turns around and heads towards the phone she was really thinking about turning him in for what he has done to her even though its been months since he raped her and got her pregnant with his child..she picks up he phone and dails 911 but she just could'nt find it in her to say anything to the operator she just stands there listening and then she qiuckly hangs up the phone she just could'nt do it she decaided to live with what he did to her forever not saying anything to anyone about it..it became her secert that she will live with the rest of her life knowing he is out there hurting someone else like he did to her..she shook her head at the thought of him hurting anybody else but she just cold'nt find it in her to turn him in to the police or even imangine him behind bars as she is raising his baby a child of rape..she thought to herself this poor kid will grow up not knowing his or hers father she smiles at the thought of her child growing up being happy and healthy.

written
by
Darkenpath 1/7/2020

COMMENTS

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Aclahayr
03:36 Jan 11 2020

Wow that is some heavy Stuff...….well written also.

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DarkenPath
21:23 Jan 11 2020

thank you

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She just could'nt find away to get him back into her life she just misses him so damn much the feelings that she had for him were deep she was deeply in love with him even though he did'nt have a clue how she really feels about him.
she was staring into the marror infront of her with warm tears rolling down her cheek she could'nt beleve she still had those damn feelings for him even though he broke her heart to many times during their times they dated.
there were a loud knock on the door when she went to answer there were no one there her heart started to beat really fast she looked around outside to see if there were anyone out there.hello is there anyone out there? when she did'nt see anyone she went back in shutting the door behind her making sure it was also locked tightly she went back to her room and sat on her bed knowing someone was trying to scare her half to death but she ignored it.