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I have been put through complete utter hell in the past few years by some people i thought were my friends but they showed me other wise by turning their back on me in the past making it really hard for me to trust anyone.
it takes me along time to trust anyone since i just dont know how to trust anymore unless i know for sure i can really trust to be friends.
it's really hard for me to believe a word anyone says to me anymore thses days i been hurt to many times in the past by alot of people that i trusted and gave my friendship to and then they turned against me like i was nothing but a doormat.
well i will no longer give my trust or friendship that easyly anymore it would take sometime for me to trust.. i only trust one person that has been in my life for a very long time and she's been by my side no matter what.
she's always there for me even when i'm having a really bad day she always stays no matter what goes on that day she's right there for me to keep me calm and that is what friends do for eachother no matter what.

yeah i have bad days and good days it all depends on reather my bipolar is acting up on that day i always deal with it in my own way cause i have no one that understands what i go through daily with everything.
i try my best to be a good person but sometimes i find it really hard to do when i have people always trying to start shit with me the best thing i could do right now is to ignore them the best i know how to do.

well here i'am sitting in my room listening to some music and doing an entry in my journal cause its been awhile since i did a entry.
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today is 2/29/2020 its almost march cant believe the month is almost over already it gone by so fast (all you have to blink and the month is over!) it seems like feb just started.
i was on skype with lana most of the day and i ended up braking down crying for no reason at all guess its just because i was having one of those days where i felt kinda off and alittle depressed thinking to myself..why i felt the way i did it never ends for me.

I lost alot of people in my damn family cause of cancer and it hurts really bad to think that people think im lieing about it.
when my dad passed away it killed me inside cause i was not there when he died i wanted to be there for him but i was'nt and when i got the call that he passed on i about fell to my knees.
now both my parents are gone and i only have both my aunts and my little brother left..my brother is from my dad and his ex-girlfriend whom also passed from cancer her and i never even gotten along she tried to get my dad to disown me all because i dated a color guy back in my late 20's my dad was racist man but that is'nt how i was raised.
my mom had to raise me on her own cause my dad would'nt help her raise me cause he had his new family to worry about.
i learned to deal with it growing up it never even bother me cause i had my mom to see me through alot of shit in my life.

note..
this is just a rant has nothing to do with anyone
just had to get this off my chest


enjoy your night/day
DarkenPath

there are times..i want to give up and just hide from all the damn drama and stress that's going on around here.
i been trying to keep to myself not interfare with anything that has been going on..i stay in my little piece of VR and just ignore everyone.
i was raised to give respect not to ever hate but sometimes it's hard not to when everyone pushes your damn bottons and try to piss you off.

this is an entry that i just did not want to do but i know i have to..
as you all know there were some drama going on and it did'nt do me any good it made shit worse for me i got really depressed and came close to doing something really bad
it took me doing an entry stating how depressed i was and having them hit me with their drama shit was really making me feel even more depressed then i already was
and yes i did post it and ever since then they have been leaving me alone just as i asked them to do and it remains the same..i still dont want anything to do with any of them cause of the shit they started with me over a damn rumor that was spread by someone i did not know or even talked to ever
but that was the past i hope.
im still feel somewhat depressed but it's gotten to where i can handle it with my meds
you see i did'nt say anyones names in this entry
its just an entry about how i feel over what happened at that time
need to get it all out before i end up depressed again i do not need that to happen cause i have to much going on in my life right now with having to pack up my stuff and the things that belonged to my mom (slams head to wall) please help me make it through this
i cant wait to move to my other aunts place maybe it'll help me make it through another year with this mental health promblems that i deal with daily
like this morning i heard bells ringing none stop it took my aunt judy to calm me down and stop me from yelling (make them stop!) it was the first time i ever heard bells it scared me alittle cause they sounded so close yet so far away and that is what woke me up this morning or i would be still sleeping

please dont take this entry the wrong way
cause its not about anyone..its just about how i felt at that time when stuff was going on.

yours truly
DarkenPath

no matter what i do..my family always gets on my back about doing shit and if i dont i get yelled at about it even though im a 45 year old woman which dont matter to my family.
yeah i do miss being on my own but they think i wont make it on my own but i did at one time live on my own back before my mom passed away on me.
just wish they would give me some damn space to be alone but they never do im always pushed and shoved into a dark place by my family i really think that they dont really care about my feelings anymore i even try to tell them how i really feel but they always pushed my feelings aside like it just dont matter at all.
it makes me sad and depressed feels like i want to cry but i fight it i might as well hide my feelings from them from now on guess im all on my own with my damn mental health and depression that keeps me in a dark hole.
i try not to complain about anything cause i really do think no one cares about anyones damn feelings..just wish i had someone to talk to about the shit i go through on a daily basis im always worrying about shit that has to do with the damn voices and things i see and hear they never go away its like their stuck to me like glue.

COMMENTS

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Amaranthine
19:30 Feb 19 2020

Maybe you would be better living alone again... it would give you a sense of purpose and freedom. And space away from family.
Maybe you should talk to them about how you feel

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DarkenPath
19:41 Feb 19 2020

i try to but they always push me away

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There has been alot going on in my life the past few months and it's been really hard on me i cant find the reason why i feel the way i do but i do know this for sure..my mind has been spinning none stop and it's like a fog covering up my thoughts i hear nothing but voices and see nothing but shadow's around me.
i feel like im going crazy..all i want is a normal life where i can just relax without any thoughts or stress in my life
yeah i got my family and bestfriend but they dont know anything about what im going through right now i keep it all a secert from them dont want them to think im crazy when i already know iam in my own way.

COMMENTS

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OdellBACKHAM
15:20 Feb 17 2020

Hey, you said it...

Lol

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