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the start of a new life will only begain when i start to pack my things up which i can not wait it is somrthing i always wanted to do
maybe i'll be much better when i get where i want to go i have no reason to stay where iam right now there is no one here for me anymore it's nothing but dark memory's that i do not want to remember it brings nightmare that are bad
yeah i'll be leaving my bestfriend behind when i move to another state but we can always talk on skype and VR i just need something new in my damn life something differant that might make me happy again

I woke up having to use the lady's room and even tried to sleep again but i just could'nt fall back to sleep i just layed there wide awake looking at the wall in the dark.
so i got up again had a smoke and got myself some soda and went back to playing minecraft until i get tired again but i dont see that happening anytime soon.
guess its because i went to bed pretty early last night i was so damn tired the minute i hit the pillow i was out like a light..

my heart's been really cold i might not show it but it has been cause i been hurt to many time's by people i thought cared about me it's teared my soul right out of me along with my heart.
yeah i still care and love but not like i use to my feelings was rip from me and hidden by a huge wall and then i was told in 2014 that i have bipolar and ptsd which made things alot worser then it ever been and then in 2015 my mom took her last breath in front of me which broke my heart in two i just could'nt handle the thought of having to say my last goodbye to my mom.
and then aunt judy and i moved into the apt that we live in now we been here close to 5 year's now yeah its a nice little place i cant complain at all cause i have a roof over my head and food in my tummy even though times are really rough for us right now but we will pull through it in time.
yeah sometimes my aunt drives me crazy but i still love her cause we are all we have since my mom passed away god i miss her so much it kills me inside but i know in time it will all heal but i have to give it some time
then a few years later my dad passed away cause of cancer him and i were just starting to get closer to eachother..you see he took off from my life when i was 14 years old telling my mom that he was to busy with his new family to even worry about me..my life changed when i heard that come from my mom's mouth it broke my heart to findout that he replaced me with a new family i never thought he would ever do that to me i started feeling that he never even cared or loved me it was all a lie.
yeah i ended up with a little brother from that woman my dad ended up with to be honest i never even liked her from the start her kids were mean to me except for one daughter of her's dawn we were always getting into trouble together..the only one i would protect with my life is my little brother it's just him and i left in the vincke side it's a sad sad thing that we had to fight over money that my dad left us to split in which we did.

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Loki1313
07:15 Mar 07 2020

Sorry to hear this my friend. Yes I call you friend due to I have lost my aunt's, uncles, my father, my mother. Be strong. Loki

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I woke up early this morning watched some tv with my aunt judy and made some coffee to help me wake up a little.
i been feeling kinda at a low point the past few weeks now dont know what's going on with me lately i even been taking my meds like i was told to it seems it works to a point but i still feel kinda low but it does keep me calm though.

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NightTime
19:19 Feb 05 2020

Hugs i love u sis

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https://www.vampirerave.com/profiles/profiles.php?start_point=4300

today was ok so far
even though my body feel kinda strange
its been going on like this for awhile now
my mind feels foggy like i just cant think
straight.
it feels like i'm being pulled into another place
even though im still where i always been
i can see a big tree infront me and a lake in the background and two people standing there holding hands their standing there looking at the lake with their backs towards me.
i cant say a word just stareing at them they never even turn around to look at me but just keep on looking at the lake they look older then i'am with gray hair.
that's all i can see at this moment i dont even know who they are just yet hoping i figure that out soon cause its driving me crazy
not knowing anything about them
but now their gone disappeared
in thin air.
i can sometimes see things without even laying down cause i can astro being awake doing my daily things that i do everyday i dont know how i do it well being awake i just do.
i sound crazy talking like this but its the truth
i even hear voices like really clear in my left ear
and there is no one in my room with me
and i can hardly hear the tv in the living room so its not that.
i feel like im going fucking crazy like i need to be put into a hospital but i dont cause im not really crazy just being me cause its a part of me reather i like it or not never to go away.

so if you dont like the way i talk about
my mentel health and how i feel about myself or even how im a human living vampire
well you know what to do! stop reading and leave my damn journal and dont bother me
cause i wont ever change who iam
not for anyone.
this is who iam
its apart of me
i have to live with the rest of my damn life
you dont have to cause you can just walk
away and not look back.

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NightTime
19:19 Feb 05 2020

things will get better.

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I sit here tonight wondering what to do
so lost and confused on why i feel like
i do.never thought it could be this way
my body and mind are going crazy
on me
my family thinks i'm fucking crazy
going ouT of my mind as i try to tell
them whats going on with me
and how my body and mind
is acting up on me.
so i sit here alone
with no one to talk to
that understands what i go through
everyday and everynight of my damn
life it will never go away
like i want it to.
no one understands

The voices they are so clear
they sound so near
i try to block them out
but they get so mad
when i do
they tell me things
but i tell them to shut up
but they dont
i feel so alone
and so lost
no one really understands
what i go through daily
i try to tell them
but they shove me away
ignoring what i say
please understand me
and what i say