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so right now


im not lost


just out of trust


i dont think i know how to anymore





i used to know how...but i dont feel i can trust anyone


even the person i love...i dont completely trust


i think its because i've been hurt too many times


and so i get confused


scared even


of it happening again


i know it wont


but what if somthing happens


am i just paranoid of these things?


the song i put up on here goes with my mood


thus the reason i put them up





but back to what i was talking about.


i kinda need help


figureing this out..


but i think i might be the only person who can help me


and i think im just scared


the relationship isnt really serious


not as serious as the one i had before


at least not yet


and im glad


and im happy with him


and even just when i think about him


he does practically everything in his power to make me happy if im not


or at least just to get me to smile





i know he's good


good for me


and for himself he is doing better


i am really happy that he is





i dont know i just need to talk out what im thinking


because this is on my mind


i just need to write


i usually write poetry


this isnt coming out as poetry.


its coming out as random little bursts of words


and i dont know why


i wish i could write again


i wish i could write about chris


or for him


that would be awesome


i dont know how to put those feelings


into words


to show what i truly mean


it just doesnt work





eh .....still on my mind...i want it to go away


these things 


these words


they keep telling me what will happen


"dont trust him


dont trust anyone


you'll only get hurt again


why do you want to go through it again"


doesnt help when my ex...is giving me guilt trips


after he let me go because i wasnt very happy.


and becoming less every day


too much stress


and im getting physically sick because of it


this is annoying


i just want it go all go away sometimes


i just want to leave it all behind


but im so happy i found chris


it would hurt too much to leave all of this


and i have a few good friends i dont want to lose


and i know they dont want to lose me


eh


running away isnt the answer


just creates more drama


i know this because one of my friends


they did it for a little bit...eh


it was ANNOYING as hell


so i wont do that


wow this is getting long


oh well


i dont know i just kinda need someone to talk to


maybe that's it.


maybe not


maybe i need something else


but i dont know what it is i need


if i do need something


eh


freakish thoughts!!!!

"RED SAM"





here i stand


empty hands


wishing my wrists were bleeding


to stop the pain form the beatings





there you stood


holding me


waiting for me to notice you





but who are you


you are the truth(you are the truth)


outscreaming these lies


you are the truth(you are the truth)


saving my life





the warmth of your embrace


melts my frostbitten spirit


you speak the truth and i hear it


the words are i love you


and i have to believe in you





but who are you


you are the truth(you are the truth)outscreaming these lies


you are the truth(you are the truth)saving my life





my hands open and you are filling them


hands in the air 


in the air, in the air, in the air





and i worship


and i worship


and i worship


and i worship





but who are you


you are the truth(you are the truth)outscreaming these lies


you are the truth(you are the truth)saving my life

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you

I said I liked your shoes

You said, "Thanks, can I follow you?"

So it's up the stairs and out of view

No prying eyes

I poured some wine

I asked your name, you asked the time



Now it's two o'clock

The club is closed

We're up the block

Your hands on me; Pressing hard against your jeans

Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out

You didn't care to know who else may have been you before



I want a lover I don't have to love

I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck

Where's the kid with the chemicals?

I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure

I've got the money if you've got the time

You said it feels good

I said, "I'll give a try."



Then my mind went dark

We both forgot where your car was parked

Let's just take the train

I'll meet up with the band in the morning



Bad actors with bad habits

Some sad singers they just play tragic

And the phone's ringing and the van's leaving

Let's just keep touching; let's just keep... keep singing...



I want a lover I don't have to love

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk

Where's the kid with the chemicals?

I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full

I need some meaning I can memorise

The kind I have always seems to slip my mind



But you, but you...



You write such pretty words

But life's no storybook

Love's an excuse to get hurt

And to hurt.

Do you like to hurt?

I do, I do



Then hurt me... [x10]