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as i mentioned in my profile i am a cutter, now alot of poeple would this to be stupid and childish but i am quite sure it is not and for my age alot of people tought i shou have grown out of this by now but i haven't. the poeple that do think this have one of two problems

*one they are ignorant

*two they have been around the wrong type of cutters

anyway its your chose to agree with me or not its your mind so think what ever you want to.

i'm going to explain a reacuring event to you here and see what you think. it you thin i cut for stupid reasons that fine think that, but if u think that my copeing tool is reasonable then fine thank you for agreeing.

ok heres how it normally gose

* one i wake up. i bord and i feal overwelmingly alone. no one will take the time to listen to me. no one ask how i'm doing. fine i dont need any one i'v always been alone. but then the first thing my mom dose when she sees me is yell at me for no reason, and i'm very sensitive i cant take too much ot that. but still as long as she dosen't say the wrong thing or any thing i'm fine. so im doing my choris and i do every thing right which to do that takes forever like basicly a hole day then my lill' bro and sis come in befor my mom notices i'm done and messes it back up then my mom thinks i didn't do it so she comes and yells at me while i'm meditating. and this time i try to tell her i did do it but she thinks i'm lieing (i don't like being called a lier cuz i dont lie that much maybe like onec every 4 weeks if even that). she gose one and on calling me stupid and i'm acting like a little kid and i need to grow up and stuff like that when really its the other way around. (shes an horrible mother and trully i run everything) then she thretends to hurt me if i don't got do it right. now she very seldem really hurt me but when she dose it really dose hurt for like the rest of the day. but any way. sh when she leaves i go do evey thig again this time making sure that i got every thing but when i'm done she comes back and dose the same thing and when i respecfully try to proof my poin she tells me to shut up and that she dosn't car about me and that she should send me to my dads house (which is were i want to go in the first place) and that i don't do any thing right. so this time when she leaves i go pull a dagger out from under my bed and slit my wrist. then i sing myself to sleep which is the only place i'm happy at.

* when i do cut my myself this is what i'm thinking.

* im nothing but a mistak, why dosnt she love me, she dosn't care, maybe is this hurts enough i'll forget abaut what she said, nothing i do is important, i must have done somthing wrong so i'll punish myself, or im just a shadow and things like that. now there are other resons that push me to do it but this is like the major one. like the other ones are childish reasons but this one just pushes me off the edge. so there you have it, well most of it.

i feel so lost, i feel alone. my friend say it's normal but they dont understand how deep this feeling is its like sufercating from the inside. my family says its just a teen thing but they don't know i've always been like this. my soul is in pain, it's not just an emotional problem. i know its not. i don't feel really anything. i really dont get mad, i really never happy, darkness is always around me even in the light. my life is black and white. i feel dead even though my heart still beats. i cry fro no reason and i can't love. i hear vocies in my head that speek to my heart i feel like screeming even though i cant i'm always pissed off even though i'm fine. im "happyer" in a grave yard than aroud "real" or "living" pple. i cant stand living but i'm afraid of death. i know somethings wrong even though i know i'm fine. i get lost in the nothingness witch is me