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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.



A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging ...above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.



My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



P.S.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”



Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”



The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.”



Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.



She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”



He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...” he said with a deep sigh,. .. . .. . . .



“Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

If your diabetic like I am, you already know the doctor wants you to keep your blood sugar low and to have an A1C level below 6. I am damn lucky if I keep it below 7, which most of your health magazines and websites will tell you is a healthy level.

I have found for myself if you go and give blood twice a year, you help out the bloodbanks and you can lower your overall A1C rating, due to the body producing new blood cells. I have been able to maintain a fairly healthy 6.8 for the past 18 months.

Also if you ever do end up with diabetes, hopefully not, get reliable insurance with good drug coverage. A 21 day supply of insulin with no insurance runs 730.00. After being fired in December my insurance ran out in April and the insulin costs more than I receive in unemployment.

www.darkbrain.com

...If you would listen to what I said the first time, you wouldn't have to ask me to repeat myself.

If you had listened you would know by know I dont care anymore. Do what you want.

If you had listened I wouldn't have flown into a rage, and yelled at you.

If only you had listened, I wouldn't be standing here with this bloody bat.

If only...



delusions

Whenever righteousness wanes and unrighteousness increases I send myself forth.

In order to protect the good and punish the wicked,

In order to make a firm foundation for righteousness,

I come into being age after age.

You might be a redneck if you've ever heard, "I told you it was loaded," while staring at a hole in your ceiling.

COMMENTS

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bloodyfairy
02:10 Jun 14 2010

Now that's a good one.

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POST COMMENT

Everyone says if life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

That really agravates me. I'm allergic to lemons. I'm also allergic to idiotic sayings. So pardon my 'french', FU.

The next person that says that to me, is getting a 9mm between the eyes.

Sorry, just ignore me, its probably just low blood sugar.

But seriously, you bring a lemon over here and your getting wacked.

Waiting for system reset in Life.2

Rage. Anger. Loathing. Pretty much sums me up. I hate drugs and drug addicts. I like guns and knives. I believe in the death penalty. I hate snakes. The company I worked for, for 17 years fired me in December and still not back to work. Wife started smokin weed several years ago and progressed to heavier drugs after that.



Rage. Anger. Loathing. Yep that's me...