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right now I cant talk to anyone about this because nobody will understand what it is im about tell you and that what it is like to be me at the moment. It used to be I could talk to anyone with what was going on in my head but it seems to feel like that if I cant have anyone else in my head right now I just dont know what they will truly think about it right now so im going too keep them out of that head and just talk about it as I feel like im all alone in the world when I know that isnt that isnt the case at all. I hate that is the reailty of things but it is something I have to except in my case of things. My grandma passed away recently and it has put me in a dark place that I havent experiencd in a long time. I hadnt seen her in 20 years and it was just such a shock that she went to a living person to a dead one in that period of time. its my fault that I havent been able to seen my mother's side of that family in that long period of time but it had to be that way in terms on how the world worked out on that one. I have had the feeling the last 24 hours why was I the last one to know about these things and because of that fact that it happened to me I was problay in the most shock to deal when seeing my grandma for the last time and seeing her before she passed yestesday. every person has regards that happens to them and that is the 1st one for me to deal with in my life time and that regard is being an idiot and not seeing in all of that time because who knows what could have happened in that period that maybe could have changed things on how they worked out in the end of things. I wont forgive myself for that one till the end of time and it my own damn fault that shit happened and it is something im not sure that I will ever get over. you can tell im still in shock about the whole thing and it is something that I never want to happen to me ever again. That was a hard piece of pie to shallow and it is too big of a shock for me to have to go through with myself ever again that is a promise I will let happen again. Her death on the hand itself has left me emotionally unstable at the moment because she is the first grandparent to pass away and it was a day that I have dreading for a lifetime because it is really hard for me to say goodbye to someone who has been involved in my life for so long as my grandma was and it will hard to have to see her at the future furnial that is for sure. It has left me a feeling like im in a dark place right now and I didnt know anywhere else to turn but here. in my head personally i feel like im in the land oz and that nots a good place to be in right now. everything is there and where it should be but it is all twisted to a twisted mind fuck of of a movie that I dont want to be in or be a part of right now. I just have to ask the world now to bother me right me right now while im in my twisted place of earth right now called mourning place right now. I will still be in the real world right now but in my mind I will not really be there again for a long time as this is something that I have to deal with myself and Im going to be all alone in this adventure. So please folks you can say sorry for the loss but I dont want any other help in dealing with this because u have never been there to help me in the past and I cant have that pattern change anytime soon as that would change things to a worse place that I really dont want to be a part of right now. My mind going to feel like it is in dark place in a darkhole right now but it has to be that way for a little while to step back out of my life and have to deal with everything that is going on right now in my life. It will be better soon as time time heals all wounds but in the meantime world just leave me the fuck alone as I have to mourn in my own way of things period. thanks for listening world peace DMZ