CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs's Journal
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3 entries this month
Woooow....07:17 Dec 28 2008
Times Read: 828
Have you ever got a new album just because of one song you liked and then started listening to the rest of it and think Woooow.... because the song you originally got the album for doesn't hit home quite as well as the one you've just listened to? Well..... Ive had that moment.... actually I just had that moment less then 2 minutes ago....
So now here I sit and I find myself crying, which I HATE to do and I find myself angry with me for being a weakling baby and having tears.... I shouldn't be crying... I'm suppose to be stronger then this... as a matter of fact I HAVE to be stronger then this.... but omg has this song hit home..... Been a while since I heard one that truly described how I feel....
Sad thing is this.... the person that I feel relevant to the song will never read this journal and even if he did.... it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't care.
I've been trying really hard to do the friend thing, be there when needed, stay out of his business, not comment or be angry with him when things hurt me so bad that I want to rip my own heart out, and most of all... to let him go.... why the hell cant I just let him go? Why do I have to be cursed with that feeling of love? Why does that emotion even have to exist?
If I had a choice in the matter..... I would be a heartless bitch that cared about no one except my bitty. I just don't understand how I went wrong and why I cant fix it....
You know Ive been told by so many people including people that I am very close to in my grove that they don't understand him either and that they would kill to have what he has... someone that loves him so much that they go out of their way to take care of him and watch out for him and even protect him when he doesn't know it.
You know just today I went and spent money I honestly didn't have to help him get his truck back in town so it has a chance of being repaired after breaking down 2 hours away.....
I would love to just ask the question... why did I do it? Why do I continue to do things for him and why do I continue to be so nice to him... BUT truthfully I already know the answer, and the answer is what kills me.
To know that he has a girlfriend, to know hes been to see her although she lives in a different state, to have her buy my child Christmas gifts, to know that they talk... all that hurts soooo much.
You know... it's sad really, the only thing in this world that I want is the one thing I have no control over getting and no control over having and is the one thing I cant have.
It's so hard to be in the same room with him and not be able to touch him... not be able to just hug him... Its sad that I would do anything just for one more hug, one more kiss, one more I love you... just one more hand on the cheek brushing hair from my face, or even one more kissing away my tears.... Last time I felt like this..... my papaw had died, its the same lonely feeling and hurts so similar.
I never would have guessed that forever and a day or until you don't love me anymore meant until I am sick of you. You would think as many hard times and bad times that we went through we could make it through anything, and in my mind we can, just wish he and I thought alike.......
In case anyone reads this and wonders what the song is...
Lifehouse ~ Broken
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is the healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
Tired21:20 Dec 18 2008
Times Read: 833
I am soooo overly tired lately. Just absolutely exhausted! It seems I am constantly on the go and will never get a second to catch my breath.
Then we have the mental exhaustion as well! There is a particular person here that I have a HUGE distaste for and would prefer that individual to drop of the planet. Is this wrong of me... of course it is, but those of you that know me well know why I wish this person to vanish from existence on this plane.
Blah!
At least it will be Yule in a few days, which means I will use that time to rejuvenate and do some personal work within myself and then there is Christmas which I am looking forward to for my child. Playing Santa is quite fun. :)
I must have a sign....01:03 Dec 11 2008
Times Read: 841
I must have a sign on my forehead that says.... LONELY DATE ME....
I'm not lonely though... and damn I don't know that I want to date anyone.... GAH... lol.
I mean I might if the right person is interested, but I don't know.... I think I should work on me a lot more and others a lot less....
ALTHOUGH I am suppose to be more of a risk taker according to my card drawing for this month... hmmmm....
Sooooo much to think on and debate and so little mind power to do it with. lol.
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COMMENTS
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xONYXCRUISERx
18:37 Dec 30 2008
Ade XX
Angelus
18:59 Dec 30 2008
.. you have many who care for you, even if they're not 'the one', they care.
VAMPIREBLONDEE
03:20 Dec 31 2008
That made me cry, Tabs. I wish I could make all your pain go away.
cherryblossom
23:32 Jan 25 2009
All I can say is I wish I could fix it all. and that I am beyond sorry.