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Well, I will be headed out to Los Angeles to meet with Paramount! I am scared out of my skull, but so excited I may have a coronary before I get on the plane. Oh, and I am getting to fly in a private jet!!



The sad part is, if I fuck this deal up, I am probably going to be hitch-hiking across the USA to get back home.



I've been writing and writing... and writing some more! It's like my fingers are possessed. I let them have their fit of verbal diarrhea and then read the outcome. For a change? I am not beating myself up over it! My "agent" says this will either be a breakthrough for my productivity or I will go manic-depressive on him and not finish another manuscript for a decade. *sigh* He's just pissy because he is shorter than Napoleon.



*crosses fingers* For once... let me shine brighter than ever before!

The number of friend lists I have been lucky to be on now is 57. I wouldn't normally take notice of this. If we're friendly, chances are we speak at some point during the time we're on VR. I don't run to see if I have made your friend list. Clicking a button proves nothing.



So, why can I not stop noticing that some days I am 58 and then I am 57? Is it the same person? Have I been endearing one day and then on their bad side the next? Is it a guild of some sort? A legion of members that are forced to be "58" for a day?



Sips Pepsi and stares suspiciously at "friends lists you are on"

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wolfysnightmare
00:35 Oct 25 2008

Try watching yours go from 106-108 every day. Makes me wonder as well CD

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Xzavier has provided me with more naughty thoughts than any other living being! I have already explained to Chris that, should the opportunity arise (heh heh) I am staying in Tennessee... permanently! Since I now call out X's name in bed, Chris understood.

I also find myself dreaming of becoming a 6' 5" male with a swimmer's body... See? I am so very considerate!



lol, Love ya X!



The most important journal entry EVER in VR history...

*from X's journal*

17:56:04 - Oct 20 2008

Times Read: 102





CryingDutchess, lets have sex :)

Today... so far... TOP TEN OF WORST DAYS EVER!

Woke up in a panic attack

Broken leg is bruising a bit now that it's out of the cast

Broken heart now becoming a "Defcon One" issue

Broken glass cut me... twice!

No reply to a plea

Rehashing events and beating myself up



First day back on the job tomorrow (and remember, with a promotion) -- all eyes will most certainly be on me. I will never let them see me sweat, but what if I need to cry?



This is pathetic. Fuck it! I don't care much for self-pity. It becomes so tiresome and it builds up too much for nothing. PLus it really irks the living shit out of me. Sniveling and pleading -- for what? So I can feel worse later? What asylum did I escape from and can someone call them STAT! Phew, good rant. Okay, today is going down the toilet, but the day isn't over yet! Besides, there is always tomorrow...

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atyourwindow
23:09 Oct 21 2008

see this is why i think there is a market for the sociopath pill!, just pop one in and a few hours later no emotions what so ever....dont steal my idea its still in development lol *hugs his sis*

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Ever been punched so hard in the gut that all the air jettisons out and your left with nothing? Well, it just happened.



WHAT THE FUCK!!! I might as well change my address to the bottom of everyone's shoe. Because all I am treated as is shit. I'm through. I am throwing in the towel. How can one person make you cry so much????

Ever fall in love so hard your hit your head on every rock of the cliff you fall off of?



I can't put up the strong front anymore. I HURT, TOO!!! I am hurting now. The extra kick out the door -- thank you. It has reminded me of all I already knew. I'm disposable. Which means my love is less than the sum of its parts. How do you fix that? When you are shouted out the door?

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wolfysnightmare
19:52 Oct 21 2008

I don't know what's going on, but ya know X & i are here for ya. *hugs* You aren't shit so don't let people make ya feel that way. Just move on down to TN & we'll take care of ya ;)

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
19:57 Oct 21 2008

I am here K.

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Joli
23:38 Oct 24 2008

Ok, we need chocolate and enough alcohol to render any ideas we brainstorm into really bad, felony-ridden plans. (We'll make Xzavier drive the getaway car.)

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CryingDutchess
00:25 Oct 25 2008

*gasps in shock* But, Joli! I figured we would have a "Thelma & Louise (& Xzavier)" adventure once the economy really bottomed out?! I guess I'll see you some time tomorrow afternoon...

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UnderLockAndKey
11:29 Nov 01 2008

My Pet My CD My pretty lil Korky Kurly Kourty

You are so noyt shit my darling dear. Kow you have help me get thru some days, when I would have much rather just have drove my car into a cement wall.



Ya, if i knew the answer as how one person can make you cry so much, we would be millionaires and go live on atropical ilsad some where and have cabana boys bring us drinks and feed us grapes and truffles.



You always know just what to say and although I do not always listen the first 3 or 4 or even 5 times and i worry way to much some times. You are the best ! Don't let any one else tell you any different and as for the person well, fuck him he can take a long ride off a short pier right into the Hudson ! For making you cry ! Rawrrrr ! Love ya much my

Sugar Bear !

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So, I head back to work tomorrow. Been out since end of August. Fuck me, but I have built up some of my bad habits of anti-social behavior. Again. As a result, I am wanting to avoid going back to work at all costs. Why I always feel awkward in my skin is still a mystery to me. Do you know what it's like to live day-to-day just questioning every aspect of your life? Did you you know I replay most conversations I've had and I pick out the flaws in my responses? I re-read manuscripts and I feel queasy (to be fair, some days I read them and I am so impressed with myself). I am my own worst enemy with delusions of grandeur and a shadow of myself acting as an evil anchor. For every time I have ever been thrown into the deep end, I have always exceeded expectations -- so, why? It is enough to drive one... well, insane -- which I am! Sheesh, at least any other fucked up and crazy artist has managed to finish their work. Granted, most have ended up good and dead after. Still, maybe that's all I am meant to do -- write, finish my work and kick the bucket.



I need another outlet. I start training once my tibia is fully healed. I can't spar or anything until then. Until I have one outlet, I can't really bring myself to write -- well, except the constant bullshit that I leave in this electronica hell of a journal.



I first joined VR because... well, it was really an accident. I just stumbled across the site. Anyway, I was sick as hell. Doctors were just determining whether or not I was bi-polar or recovering from the drums of morphine they flooded my body with. I was treated like a guinea pig and it almost killed me. VR let me leak the poison out. I didn't care what people thought about what they read in my journal -- I didn't even care if I interacted with a single soul. I just wrote... and wrote... and wrote some more. Back then, I had such terrible insomnia, I could go for weeks without sleep. I was having hardcore panic attacks, totally calculating ways to kill myself and I was usually so fucked up on Xanax, depakote, oxy contin, seroquel... name it? I took it. Overtook most of it. I was so ready to die.



For a million and one reasons, I fought to live. My knight and savior was/is Chris. He and my nutty family made me want to get up every time I got put through the ground. Every time I started dragging a blade across my skin, I would think of the hurt across his face and always stopped. Sometimes, I hated him for it -- I wanted to have my excuse all worked out. I don't know if that makes me weak or what... whatever. I'm past that. In my own way.



Ugh, the thoughts that run free through my head are going to be the death of me. That is why I write them on paper. To suck the poison out.

Geez. Open my big-mouth and -- well, you can call me a porn star with potential for all the badness you can fit in there.

I was so proud of myself for having stopped taking my Zoloft for close to a month without any side-effects and while my doc was pleased, the one worry was a sudden relapse into panic attacks. Well -- fuck if I am not in the middle of one now. It's a mild one but it really makes me feel like I've lost a ton of ground. It makes me feel like I fucked up.



By no means, am I a doc. My friend X may as well be. Me? I only know things I pick up from reading too much and arguing with quacks that I have had. When you get sick enough, you'll learn that you know more than some of the doctors you encounter.



My chest is crushing me. I hate this feeling. I refuse to take a valium or xanax. Xanax makes me have blackouts (major chunks of lost memory) and valium is too mild to work on me. My body built a tolerance to valium so fast that it really does nothing more than act as a placebo. Oh, an placebos do not work if you already know what the placebo is. Yep. Bad. Besides, I know that while I generally do not have an addictive personality, I have issues with prescription drugs. For every time I have been hospitalized and give a myriad of narcotic cocktails, it has changed my bio-chemical tapestry. Certain drugs will make me have extremely terrible reactions. I don't like that Kourtney. She almost self-destructed. And that, kids, is why you should NOT take drugs. Go smoke a joint. You're probably safer. Twisted, isn't it?



I need to head outside. Get some air. See some people. I think this attack is simply because I am returning to work either tomorrow or Wednesday. Fuck. I do not like being reminded of any weaknesses I have. I only feel good when I tough it through unscathed. Damn, these battles are rough. *sigh* I haven't lost a war yet! I am just weary from the fights. I need a cuddle. Truly.

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Xzavier
16:37 Oct 20 2008

I am a dr :P



Sounds like a panic attack babe. Take it easy, lay down, water, nice music, breathe slowly and all that good jazz.



I love you ::big hugs:: And yes you can have my babies :)

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CryingDutchess
16:54 Oct 20 2008

Damn, I am so in love with X. I am moving to Tenn.

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wolfysnightmare
00:50 Oct 21 2008

What?! Better be coming down there for me too doll!

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Sinora
19:46 Oct 21 2008

Don't you just love roomy handbags ? I was just looking through mine and I found this *extra special squishy hug* I can't think of anyone else worthy of it just now...so it's yours dear.

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CryingDutchess
00:28 Oct 25 2008

*hugs Sinora tightly* Wow! That is the coolest Mary Poppins bag EVER!

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Last night was violent. I picked fights, lost some and won others. It was also a destructive night... no broken bones, so I am ahead of the game.



Lessons learned:

It takes too long for me to get angry

I am very creative when I fight

I am inspiring when destructive

I have scary accuracy at night

I look like a little girl when I cry

I look people in the eye when I cry

I hurt people just as bad with words as I do with fists

I could be a cold-hearted cunt

I am more jaded now than ever before

I can't listen to music the same

I can write my ass off

I am stronger than 4 out of 5 people I meet

I was stupid to break my guitar

I bruise easily but heal just as easily

I don't kick people when they are down

I am lucky not to have a criminal record, apparently

I don't trust anyone I can't aim and fire at

I am a sucker for words, evidently

I still race cars like I have a death wish

I don't take revenge, but always wish I was the type



Be glad. Diabolical, dangerous and devastating... and I'm not even saying "boo" in your direction. Meanwhile, you and I both know you deserve it.

Some days tend to piss you off so bad you could stand on the corner throwing rotten eggs at police cars and flipping off priests. I am having one of those days. If I get much more frustrated I am going to write in a bigger font to display how pissed off I am becoming.



One of the most annoying things one can do is waste time. So it is doubly annoying to waste the time of another. In some countries, the perpetrator is chased through town with people throwing used sanitary napkins at them. It's not sanitary, but I can understand what would drive a town that mad.



I want to go to a nursery and make scary faces at children. I want to hide all the cherry and lime flavored jello from retirement home dessert carts. I want to take the joy out of popping bubble wrap by making it a federal offense to pop the bubbles. I want to go to a sweet-faced hopeful soul and totally deny them whatever it is they were hoping to get. I want to sneak hot sauce into someone's vanilla shake.



For once, I want to be the mean motherfucker. It seems I always get the role played opposite them.

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dabbler
01:48 Oct 18 2008

Oh and it is best done for entertainment as well. I have graduated to the Viscous prank level, viscous pranks like, Free Samples of (shit) cake. Crazy Gluing eyelids shut. Onion bombing AA meetings halls. Not Evil.. just random venting through subterfuge. Subversive activity. Call it Fight Club After hours.

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Bones
02:27 Oct 18 2008

Shotguns are more effective than rotten eggs. ;)

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Sinora
11:35 Oct 18 2008

*Runs*

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There is no way to make a relationship any more intense than by what you do while apart. So, what if the relationship has been built and forged, all the while, you've never been together? See, the cracks that sometimes make their way about the structure are because, for some of us, that final element that binds us... can be as deep as the moment in time people are lost in with their very first kiss.



I love when we talk... it has made it so that we know more about one another than people might otherwise learn in years, in person. The double edged-sword in my case is that, you have helped me be less afraid of the walls I'd kept myself protected behind all these years. Instead, you suggested bravery beyond the walls. To believe without an ounce of evidence. You taught me to understand the word "faith".



The odds are not in our favor. They likelihood of that kiss is all I dare hold onto for now. I can only walk such a tight rope without falling... and it's scary this high... You do make me so high... Which, I guess, would imply you scare me. You do. Yet, I'm still here, still smiling in your direction, still wanting to just be... I still have faith.

I want to see you. I want to snuggle up and talk and play and laugh and wrestle... *deep breath* and debate, and smile, and share, and kiss, and love... Okay, Chuck, hop to it! You've got one hell of a girl giving your more of herself than you sometimes deserve...

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captainglobehead
14:01 Oct 16 2008

Oh, Chuck, Chuck, don't do this to yourself! Don't deny yourself the woman who can and will make all of your dreams come true!

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Well, today is boring. It will end boring and lead into another day of perpetual boringness. I won't complain. These will be my daydreams once I am back at the office.



I'm looking forward to the holidays.. I always get happy around Halloween because everything snowballs from there! next is Thanksgiving!!!! Then, the global stock exchange of gift giving... followed by a week where partying every night is understood and often expected. Finally, New YeaR!

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atyourwindow
20:05 Oct 15 2008

i always felt new years should be like the halloween for adults, we go from house to house scarring people into giving us shots of liquor in those lil bottles all dressed up like.....ahhhh what a great tradition that would become.

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CryingDutchess
20:41 Oct 15 2008

That could actually work, bro! We gather in groups and sing drinking songs until we get a shot... The costumes no one will remember, so something safe makes sense (like bubble wrap) and we'll all have those annoying clackers and horns!

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Well, my world just keeps collapsing....

Chris and I just had our first fight in eight years of being together.

Over bologna.

He won't talk to me, has just packed a bag for himself and is getting ready to walk out the door. I can hear the car start up now. He is leaving.



Now, I am not innocent, I flipped him the bird. I never yelled or anything. He had given me a look because I asked if the bologna was beef or the Frankenstein version, since I won't eat the mixed meat special. He looks at me like I'm a bitch, so I flipped him the bird and made my sandwich and said not to worry. I'll eat it and like it.

He follows he into the kitchen to say that he only wanted me to taste a slice and if I could tell by taste he would return it.

I AM NOT PLAYING THE PEPSI CHALLENGE WITH FUCKING BOLOGNA!



Just like that, my best-friend and lover has just walked out on me.

And, the fucked part is, that if it wasn't the bologna (which, I know it wasn't) this was about to happen. We've been on a razor's edge with one another for the entire summer... Actually, ever since I broke my leg.



I am not having a fit of destruction. I am going to write until I fall asleep. Because if I don't and I absorb what just happened? I am going to snap. Too late... I feel the corners of my mind bending and warping... This is not good. This is far from good. This has never happened before.

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atyourwindow
20:36 Oct 12 2008

a man has the right to get the kind of bolonga he wants, my bolonga has a first name! lol

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
05:00 Oct 16 2008

is that kinda like being called every name in the book because there is no butter ?

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So, a YIM between me and my sis... I think it sounded normal?



thenyscribbler

You cant force happiness

Its fucked up but true

rach

its the waitig to get it thats drivig me mad

thenyscribbler

Well, yes

but imagine

if you were still waiting

just to find it

at all

!

Im so wise.

rach

hahha

thenyscribbler

I should be a fortune cookie

rachel

you should be

thenyscribbler

lol, I am watching E.T. and getting VERY emotional

why would that be?

lol?!

lmao

Poor alien!

r B

copy and paste rght to the journal lol

Why in the hell am I exposing my shit here? My real life shit? uh oh, that must classify me as unstable. However, I have no one to talk to about this that I can't already recite their script. Being smart and stupid is very difficult, trust me.



So, here is the skinny:



I do not want to have children. I have felt this way my entire life. It;s not because I wouldn't do well as a parent -- in fact, I have a very interesting natural ability with all children. However, screw that. I am not a breeder. It's not me. I have never had the desire to lose what little of my sanity is left because I love this life I created more than I can bear? Good Lord! I fucking ache enough, in the improbable case there is someone that could make me me love them like that. See? Catching the pattern? I am being responsible -- I GET IT! i don't have to have a child of my own to confirm the stress, sleepless nights and total abandon of one's own life. Sorry -- I GET IT! It doesn't make me selfish. Rather, having a child just to have one is fairly fucked up! That isn't a plan! That isn't viewing life long term and understanding what FOREVER means!



I voiced this to Chris. After eight years of me saying nothing to the contrary, save for the occasional remark because of a cute family or something my nephew does -- it doesn't mean my fallopian tubes have turned themselves into the golden highway for the swimmers!



Oh don't understand why this makes me bad?! Would I adopt? Sure! That is a life that is already here. I would help anyone. Would i seek out biological parenthood? No. Now I am being nothing but made to feel guilt.

So, Chuck -- right now, these lyrics trump all others... Funnily, the Radiohead music trumps that aspect... Keep surprising me. I may stay around.









Cross your heart and hope

to die it's love.

A perfect world in my minds eye and oh



The face that's watching me

tonight - has me -

Falling for that certain smile.



Hold your hand up

swear to God

it's love.

Help me to believe

because for all

The words you said to me

tonight - has me -

Falling for that certain smile -

Falling for that certain smile.



Take my tears and smile for me

it's love.

Take my soul

my heart

my fears for oh



The way you're touching me

tonight - has me -

Falling for that certain smile.



Bring me passion

bring me lust or love.

Bring me only truth

because for all

The times you said to me

tonight - have me -

Falling for that certain smile -

Falling for that certain smile -

Falling for that certain smile -

Uh oh, maybe one valium too many? I always like to see how my tolerance grows to medications. this is also why Chris hides them from me (smart move, actually) I'm on valium number twenty and I am not feeling a thing. Not tired, not spacey, not clumsy... hell. This is why doctors always think I am trying to stock up on meds like an addict. They can't believe that I build tolerances so quickly. This, is why I will always be in pain when I am hospitalized. It's very frustrating. Oh, and insulting to hear that I will become addicted. I have tried a good chuck of naughty drugs; both prescribed by doctors and street corner pharmacists. There has never been anything I couldn't drop and not have any negative side effects. My doc has aced to write a case-study on me about this. I think I am going to let him. Maybe it will help someone else -- because some docs are so regimented, they can't function unless all the corners of the box they think in is at a perfect 90 degree angle.

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GypsyOfTheGreen
15:37 Oct 03 2008

love ya girl ~ im going to sleep =}

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What else do you want from me 99%???? Blood? My first born? My favorite comic book! You evil fuck of a percentage! I can't see straight from all the damned rating I have done and then I hit your stupid little status update button and DAMN if I don't hear laughter in the background -- still 99% You evil whore. I hate you! May you have your asshole sewn up tight and someone force feed you and feed you and feed you some more!! Grrrrrr!



Oh, and if I see "Why so serious?" one more time as a quote or otherwise, I fully intend to... to... do nothing more than bitch about seeing it. Ya damn band-wagon sheep! Yes, great movie! Know why? Because it was original!! Now, I am stuck in a world of echoes.



Oh, and my Joker background was the only one I ever used when i set up CD. I have not changed a thing except add a protection stamp here or there. Just like I will never take Maleficent down as my avatar. Even though I did spot my old "custom" avatar from my first go 'round as "TheCryingDutchess" on someone's pro (who had a name that had nada to do with my CD...)



Fuck it. Fuck it in the ear. It's only a rant. Blame it on 99%



You have completed

99% of this level. (BASTARD!)

I was talking to one of my old college friends the other day and she asked me why I had never pledged any of the sororities that scouted me. For those of you that don't understand how the Greek world works, to be scouted is an honor -- to be scouted and offered the opportunity to not be a probate (the ones that get hazed) is beyond any level of honor -- it's actually unheard of!

I gave this some thought before I responded... I have never been the cliquish type. I could hang out with the hip-hop crowd then sidle my way over to the jocks, hanging out with the "nerds" and chill out with the "goths". So basically, as I still am, I'm cool with all but never titled by any group. I like that I'm that way. I don't close myself off and I never miss out on someone/something new.

My friend saw this response coming -- she's known me long enough to know I march to the beat of my own drum. However, I did confess, the one thing I did regret about not joining a sorority was being able to do step shows.

Step shows, for those of you that are unaware, are when Greeks represent their houses by ways of movement: stomping, clapping, motion; all in synch, all as one and with all their heart.

I used to step in high-school. I may not have been the quickest to pick things up, but I was one of the hardest working and usually made front line (another honor). So, when I watched the following step-show, I couldn't help but to feel a pang in my stomach... Sometimes, I really do regret not being a part of something.

Give me an inch of rope and I WILL find a way to make a noose out of it. I wonder if that can be considered a talent in some countries? Well, maybe I haven't really fashioned a noose, but if I ever had an addiction, Chuck is it. ME! Who can walk away from anyone or anything without a second thought... I carry a spoon in my back pocket in order to get seconds of him every time we speak. It's silly. Something a teenage hormonal wreck would do. I have to laugh at myself -- what else is there to do? Probably apologize, but if you ask any addict -- addiction is the HIGHEST form of flattery... *leaves a trail of Snickers to bed*

Come on handsome... follow the trail...