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Save my soul because I am a sad sinner...



Played hooky from work for second day. Will lie to anyone if they ask me how work was. Dying to order a ton of food and binge eat. I could also do with a cigarette. No clue why. I really do hate cigarettes. (I say this knowing I have a packed bowl waiting for me... I am fantastically full of shit!)



Felt sorry for myself for the past few days and did not work out. As a result, I don't allow myself to take in too much food. I'm basically punishing my body for my lack of willpower.



I have decided that living with my parents will require me being heavily medicated. My mother is too over-bering and a hypocrite and my father is so close to suicidal that you just want to push him off a bridge as a favor.



Still quietly wishing I would just die, but will never do more than that because... Well, what if this is a test and if I keep fucking around at pity parties, I really will lose any chance of fixing things? Damn, I am stubborn.

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LadyxDarkxRayne
18:20 Apr 14 2009

looks at sis with Da Look.... I found a new hole today nearly fell in it but luckily the dog fell in it first heheh you keep thinking this is a test and hell if i past my last test then i kow damn well you can pass this one... you always have the two of us always and you know that...



dont feel bad sis i was su-posed to go and see the chirppractor today but i got scared and didn't go, I would much rather just have your brother fix me lol hehehe *adjusts halo*

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Sinora
18:23 Apr 14 2009

If only I could find a pair of pants that fit I would use me special powers and come and save you from the fiery pit. But I can't so it's a good thing your stubborn *hugs*.

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MysticMoon
21:53 Apr 15 2009

* hugs never forget your loved by many, i know it dont help BUT we still love you

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moonkissed
03:52 Apr 17 2009

hugs* drop me a line sometime k-

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dabbler
00:03 Apr 23 2009

Better to hang in there, then be hung from there.



- Old Chinese man-

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I'm not feeling comfortable with words today. I want to pop ebonic-woman in the mouth. I have to concentrate on movies in my ipod to control myself. She is a wretched, unpleasant, big-headed PAIN IN THE ASS! The more she thinks I'm not responding is because I'm intimidated, the more I find myself biting my cheek and drawing blood before I say many things I will NOT regret.



I so desperately want to give in to being a lazy and depressed lump on the earth. However, that option is beyond impossible and all this awful reality is really breaking me down. I still laugh every day -- I guess, you never lose some things. By the way, I still tear up, too.



I want to sell the car, my meager stocks and savings and head to an island where you could bum off the land. lol, I think I just confessed to wanting to become a beach bum... Shit. Okay, over that one... false alarm!



I have five dollars in my pocket, so all I ate was a McDonald yogurt parfait and mini chicken sandwich ($2.25)and an omelette with dill, garlic and pepper for dinner ($1.45). I made powdered iced-tea (some old shit I found in the cabinet) and am pretty sure I'm now a diabetic.



I was so glad when my friend cancelled our hangout after work! I was going to cancel him on him(again)... and since more than two cancellations was bad enough...

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LadyxDarkxRayne
18:15 Apr 14 2009

ok you sis yes no dont sell the car lets pack it up and heads towards the warm weather all we have to do is wait till may after my court date... and then we can head down south.... hehehhe i dont think your bropther will object heheh you kows he cant tell us both NO lol

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You guys actually pick on me for what I consider sins. Geez. Support Central, really. *grin* Actually, I have little to smile about.



My eating habits are insane. I never eat breakfast and hardly ever eat lunch. I come home and have no appetite unless I smoke. Otherwise, I force myself to eat. I've done no real grocery shopping. I have no real health-conscious food here 'cept three eggs and the last of a carton of milk.



Right now, I seem to be real keen on escaping. Since I know I will be living here on my own for the next couple of months, I am just acting like an idiot teenager.



Okay, the real confessions... I started speaking to my ex (prior to ex-fiance) knowing that I have him in the palm of my hand -- and have had him there since we were kids... He's extremely successful, handsome, yada yada yada... but, I'm just blowing smoke. I only want my fiance back. Still, the attention feels good. Now for the horrid part -- he is having a baby. *listens for boos and hisses*

Yep, HOWEVER, he is only the father and not the significant other of the mother. He doesn't want to marry her nor move in. Again, I don't care one way or the other. I don't love him. The fact that he said as soon as the baby is born (any day/week now) he will head back here to "console" me. *rolls eyes* Both flattering and psychotically disturbing. As I said, Im kinda coveting affection/attention while I feel like shit.



Oh, I also wanted to use the shower massage on myself the other night and then felt guilty because I didn't think I should be having orgasms while trying to fix my relationship.



Fucking hell, Sinora is right -- I need better sins.

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chrysanthemia
23:57 Apr 07 2009

Yeah--it isn't a contest to see who can be the worst person. If you think it's bad, then it's bad--and I think it's great that yore trying something to better yourself. I wish you luck, and more importantly, strength.

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Isis101
01:08 Apr 09 2009

You're strong...you may not think so now, but you'll pull through, hon.

Rootin' for ya'!

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LadyxDarkxRayne
18:11 Apr 14 2009

gee this sounds so familiar ........you will get no boos from your sister .... you knows i loves ya unconditionally and hey i thought we agreed we were having a baby together anyways ? your brother might object to this though hmm we will have to plan this out further....

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Forgive me, myself -- for I have sinned. Again. Undoubtedly will tomorrow. The day after is a safe bet, too.



Okay, let's see what I did today... lied to boss and said I needed to leave a half hour early (but I did skip lunch... I just didn't REALLY have to be anywhere)...

I then attempted to pawn a necklace my friend gave me and changed my mind, but the thought was bad enough. I still did not pick up my laundry from my parents house, but I did go there to scavenge. I took nothing.

Lied to myself about going to the gym. My excuse was that it was raining too hard. If I do not play 30 sets of Wii Tennis to compensate, then that probably should go in here, too.

Oh, and because I will probably dodge calls today -- may as well 'fess up.

Since I have no money to speak of, I will not binge eat. However, I will be eating starches (Ramen noodles will survive nuclear fall out!). In fact, maybe I will just get stoned and go to bed.



This break up is making a mess of me. I need to quit the self-pity. I'm getting bored with it. lol, gee, that was so easy to write -- now to execute! *grabs tissue*

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MeanOleRachy
06:07 Apr 07 2009

heheh its a good thingy you have your sister to distract you although i would much rather have fallen in a hole then smashing up my car lol

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Sinora
08:41 Apr 07 2009

Pfft....you would'nt know a good sin if it bit you on the ass girl....ps...I give lessons free of charge lol

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So, the day isn't over but Sundays are pretty streamlined, except for the shit I admit to here.



Hmm, woke up early. Smoked a bowl and went back to bed with the cats. I let them have free reign because I feel so guilty about abandoning them.



Went to parents house, stole a couple xanax from dad, did some laundry, ate some food and came home to smoke a bowl and hide here. Since I know the rest of the day will only be the lie to my mother about coming to pick up whatever clothes I have in the dryer, I can enter this now. Yes, I feel like crap. I am a thieving piece of shit. I just wanted a couple of nights sleep where I don't wake up crying, having a panic attack nor dreaming of my decaying life. I've been dodging all of my meds for quite some time, not that that makes an excuse -- but I am on a stronger dosage than Dad and didn't rob him blind... Ugh, I'm disgusting. I just tried qualifying this.



I hate this confessional. Honesty is so rough.

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garnetdoll
22:27 Apr 05 2009

long sighssssssss...gee, I remember those days when I could smoke a bowl and drift away. Sometimes I miss it! But, I developed an allergy to it, so I can't do that anymore...pouts :(

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atyourwindow
00:02 Apr 06 2009

*hugs* good thing ya have unconditional lubbs from your bro.

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MeanOleRachy
01:26 Apr 06 2009

*kisses her cheek* Ya knows i loves ya no matter what love muffin no matter what crazyness is going on you know im always here f or ya may take a day to get back to you but you can always blow up my cell anytime loves you muffin

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Yeah, gonna start keeping a list of my "bullshit" so that I either obsess it out of my system or embarrass myself to the point of no longer having to confess at all.



So, here goes... *inhales* I did not one thing this weekend except gorge on wasabi rice crackers, Tropicana Orangeade and those mexican frozen dinners where everything but the enchiladas are flavorless. I sat curled up in the recliner and watched all the crap in my DVR and smoked. This, of course, led to aforementioned bingeing.



This does not stop there. I had to cover so many expenses out of this check and was totally unprepared. As a result, I have about fifteen dollars until my next paycheck. Still, look who is smoking? So, need to find more intelligent way to escape until classes start.



There. My first confession. That kinda sucked. Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing.

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MeanOleRachy
14:08 Apr 05 2009

looks at her sis .... holy hell we dont want me to list my confessions.. i may burn alive while trying type them out...



but hey i did go and look at a house the other day that was for rent... comes upstate sis ... and we can have a cat farm and become crazy ole women sitting in our rocking chairs and telling stories and tales of what has gone on in our lives while chasing the ups man down the road in our scooters.

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CryingDutchess
15:39 Apr 05 2009

Done!

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