CryingDutchess's Vampire Journal

CryingDutchess's Journal

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5 entries this month

← Mar 2009

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Test after test after test after test...
23:10 Apr 22 2009
Times Read: 728

Well -- I have no home to go to. I am meeting with people in search of tenants/roommates. Someone stole my FedEx delivery of my new Xbox and I am so fucking alone I can't stand it.

tick-tock...

COMMENTS

atyourwindow
23:19 Apr 22 2009

am i gonna have to come up there and kidnap ya with da mean ole rachy and keep you 2 as pets? lol

CryingDutchess
23:46 Apr 22 2009

Umm, yeah, pretty much... But Rach still has to wear the chains!

dabbler
23:59 Apr 22 2009

This calls for extreme measures, get me the experimental Transpeck Etheral Projection Device.

LadyxDarkxRayne
00:52 Apr 23 2009

yes you should dear come and kidnap us but you cant kidnap the willing and what im gonna be your pey ?

Sinora
08:15 Apr 23 2009

You can do it, you can keep it together, I have faith in you. *hugs*.

atyourwindow
12:55 Apr 23 2009

ill have to hire someone to do it as im not in any condition to bonk dutchy over the head and carry her off lol

moonkissed
14:39 Apr 23 2009

i am sorry Duchy :(

EmeraldPhoenix
08:46 Apr 29 2009

i love you...run away from there and come to Denver. i need a room mate too

On the road to being FIRED!
17:00 Apr 14 2009
Times Read: 738

Well, I expect I should get written up at work. I just took off two days (again). I am pushing it, big time. I know. I simply can't seem to stop myself. I am just going through the motions of so many things that I can't keep up.

Saw my quack last week and he was amazed at how "well I am doing" with all this shit happening. He kept saying how strong I am and that he has never seen someone just stop taking meds without side effects -- again, especially with all that is going on. He was even upset about the break up and gave me the "maybe, he just needs time" speech.

I've tried telling myself to just move forward and concentrate on me -- but, everything is a reminder. EVERYTHING. Every song on my ipod (we're talking over 600+ songs!), most movies, most manuscripts I've written... EVERYTHING! I'm insulated with nothing but painful memories.

It seems that writing is all I have left, and I still have to drag that out of myself. Words mean little to me. Not much of anything has value to me anymore.

Spending time with my family is just as difficult as being alone and suffering. My sister is having another baby. Of course, I am happy for her! It just hurts (like everything seems to lately). Seeing her with her family only made me feel like a bigger failure than I generally view myself to be. Had I not been the black sheep of the family, would things have been different? I guess so, because I never would have met him.

So, for years, I'd been waiting for my life to have purpose. Meanwhile, I missed out on the whole time that it really did. I don't know that I will ever recover from that. Yet, I can't see forward without focus on one goal I have no assurance of ever regaining.

I'm refocusing my OCD's for the power of good. Either that, or I'm just going to tick tock into self-destruction -- which is what I am trying not to do. Can't give up. What if things are better tomorrow?

COMMENTS

dabbler
00:01 Apr 23 2009

I am in transition as well, if you need an ear.. I'll be here.

LadyxDarkxRayne
01:02 Apr 23 2009

hugs her sis I love you girl and you know i here for you i said screw it mikes moving out comer stay with me

EmeraldPhoenix
08:49 Apr 29 2009

hey hon...if the shrink is saying that then they mean it...they dont piss around w/ saying that about meds.

bring your fucked up luggage and come on to denver

we can take over the world from atop the rocky mountains!! and then we get rachy to join us and we go surprise harley!!

hugs

EmeraldPhoenix
08:49 Apr 29 2009

Suckiness...
23:45 Apr 09 2009
Times Read: 749

Well... so depressed that I may make tomorrow or this weekend D-Day. I can deal. I just don't want to anymore.

Just when I thought I was getting a smidgeon better, HE texts me and tells me how great things are and such. Then, he asks how I am doing. Oh, gee -- swell!! I'm Polly-fucking-anna!

I AM CRYING EVERY DAMNED DAY! I CAN'T REALLY EAT and ALMOST A DECADE OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN ERASED. So, I didn't answer his question about me and covered every other topic like all is well, since I am "supposed" to be acting like everything is okay. What a fucking lie. Why can't I say how I really feel to him instead of the rest of the planet? Shouldn't he know how much I am hurting?

COMMENTS

Xzavier
23:58 Apr 09 2009

I love you! *hugs*

MysticMoon
21:55 Apr 15 2009

oh girlie tell him get it off your chest , let him know what hes done to you * hugs

LadyxDarkxRayne
01:08 Apr 23 2009

i love you sis and am very worried about you i think we need to have a sister talk you know im here and so is your brother w both love ya very muuch

NGIF! (No, God! It's Friday!)
22:24 Apr 03 2009
Times Read: 774

I think I need real psychological help. I actually find that while I may be miserable when I wake up to go to my level of Dante's Inferno (work), I feel even worse when it is time to head home. The weekend is here and I am sick with anxiety. I hate this townhouse. It is the house Satan built. Every crappy memory or event has happened in this place. I'm contemplating burning it to the ground and salting the earth.

I think I am taking myself to the movies this weekend. I've never seen the big deal about going to a movie alone. You're in the dark -- who gives a damn?!

COMMENTS

garnetdoll
23:59 Apr 03 2009

I had a time like after a break up. I burnt some sage to cleanse the house of negative energies, and then I decided to do that one thing I always wanted to do with this one room that he never wanted to do and wouldn't approve of...it made the place mine and helped me to take one step closer to the closure that was needed.

MeanOleRachy
00:25 Apr 04 2009

*looks at sister if you burn it to the ground Im gonna have to go and get your bro so we can bail you out* now I know you want to see us and all but is that really the best solution? I would much rather just take you with me when I go to see him... Your small I can hide ya he will never know your even there until he hears the giggling and realizes all his sherbet is gone because we got the munchies lol

Sinora
08:34 Apr 04 2009

*Runs in* to save the cookies and the tv from the crazy lady....go to the movies, I often go alone it's no bigee.

Ow.
23:15 Apr 02 2009
Times Read: 797

Damn. It really hurts. Someone drop a piano on me, please. An anvil? House? *sigh*

This is the worst time of my life. I've never felt so surrounded by people yet totally alone. What's been said, has been said before. Talking about it hurts. I drink more Gatorade for dehydration from crying than an athlete would during a championship game.

No one seems to get that I can do fine on my own. It just isn't worth it without him.

COMMENTS

LadyKrystalynDarkstar
00:10 Apr 03 2009

...............................

LadyxDarkxRayne
04:41 Apr 03 2009

Sis - I know you can do it on your own I have no doubt that you can. I know you just dont want to. There is nothing That I can say to make the hurt stop no magic words to make it just be fixed.... what I can do is be here for you..... just listen ...

be your sister .....I loves ya Girl

Sinora
08:21 Apr 03 2009

It's a bitch when people say stuff like " it will pass "..thing is it's true...I will now go and iron my head as punishment. *hugs*

moonkissed
18:02 Apr 03 2009

at a time like this, i would simply sit next to you. maybe read a book or tell a joke, just to be there.

CryingDutchess
22:07 Apr 03 2009

I love you guys.