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Jaymes and I have been doing so great lately. I still cant believe we are back together again. I still have my fears and doubts but i think its just from the past situation...that i still have yet to be over. Honestly, i dont know if i will ever be over it. He still has alot of...showing he has to do for me to completely trust him again. IF that ever happens. I mean, i love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life but i am still worried that there are things that are or will be going on that i do not know about. or i will ever know about. Jaymes has a nasty habit of doing things and just hiding it from me. he doesnt tell me unless i find it and ask him about it...even then he doesnt tell me. we have been wonderful lately....but that doesnt mean i am not scared. I will always be scared...and i will always be on guard with him. no matter how hard i try, it will always be there. the things he has done and said will over linger over me...and hover like a little black cloud...that i can not change..nor do i want to. i mean, its good to be on guard, that way if it happens again..i wont be hurt...well, as hurt. He has hurt me so many times and broke my heart countless times...why do i stay? well..this time, i am prepared.. if things dont stay this good...then i dont know what i am going to do. Everything is perfect. but perfection only goes so far before things become real again...i hope there is nothing to be worried about..but even if there was, he would never tell me...so ill stay happy for now...i just really...R E A L L Y hope is lasts...



Night world~ Decay

i love glee



Plz shoot me...i use to think its annoying...

Soo, i just got back from yet another wonderful night at the iNation. I love gothnight...even if my boots killed my feet tonight...its alright (lol) they have taken this abuse for years...and will continue. Thank you boots, u are so awesome :P



Now its time to hang out and chill out with my babe Jaymes (Chronotix). Aaaand maybe play some more Alice:Madness Returns...still not sure yet....might have to be an xbox whore again tonight lmao



Decay~

So...Im about to watch May and work on some more chainmaille flowers. *heehee* I love May, i would totally be her friend :) Anyways, nothing really new this way. Been going to gothnight everyweek, my mans sister is coming this weekend so i get to see her...finally! its been forever since i got to see her. I am almost out of smokes which is a total bummer but i wont go without lol just need to get to the gas station. UMM...i decided to get a new tattoo of Ponyo cuz its my favorite movie ever. And i need to get my stitches around my wrists done...mmm tattoos...



Memento Mori

Walking

Waiting

Alone without a care

Hoping

And hating

Things that I can't bear



Did you think it's cool

To walk right up

To take my life

And fuck it up

Well did you?

Well did you?



I see hell in your eyes

Taken in by surprise(surprise)

Touching you makes me feel alive

Touching you makes me die inside



Walking, Waiting

Alone without a care

Hoping

And hating

Things that I can't bear



Did you think it's cool

To walk right up

To take my life

And fuck it up

Well did you?



I hate you!



I see hell in your eyes

Taken in by surprise

And touching you makes me feel alive

Touching you makes me die inside



I've slept so long without you

It's tearing me apart too

How'd it get this far

Playing games with this old heart

I've killed a million petty souls

But I couldn't kill you



I've slept so long without you



I see hell in your eyes

Taken in by surprise

Touching you makes me feel alive

Touching you makes me die inside

~*~*~Slept so Long- Jay Gordon~*~*~



So yeah, its like...2 am...and im should be getting tired, but of course, i took a nap today fucking everything up for sleep. The past couple days has been very...interesting. I found out that a certain someone took off with my boots, while Jay had them in his possession. So i had to get those back, finding out that she had more things of mine than i knew about. Yeah that kind of pisses me off...but oh well. I got them back, surprisingly. I went to gothnight the other night and finally got my Darks Choir shirt. FYI, Darks Choir is the head DJ at iNation. He is my favorite person ever! So glad i got one of his shirts. And, today i found nightmare before christmas shape bracelets and hopefully Jay gets me a pair...woohoo!! Anyways....maybe i should really try to lay down...im starting to get a headache :( Tah Tah people...



*My stomach was making the rumblies...that only hands could satisfy*



Decay~

Why write with confidence?

Why try to save them?

We try to not forget

It's so much better there

Did you think you could make it on your own?

It was so much better there



So what have you done

To make yourself a little bit happier

I can feel the vibrations

When you said I'd feel nothing

I'm giving up, so give it up



Please monsieur, remember

Don't tell me how to get somewhere better

~*~*~*Saosin- Some Sense of Security~*~*~



Oh im so bored...been making starburst wrapper bracelets and listening to music....not all that interesting (lol) A friend of mine makes fun of my music...he said i listen to emo music too much. HONESTLY, its not emo music...i just listen to what i like...why label it? just because i dont listen to lamb of god every second of the day LOL Anyways, Right now im talking to jaymes...thinking about going out for a smoke...ew i really need to stop. I hate it....yucky. Its horrible but wonderful at the same time, its like freedom in a stick! So, i was thinking about my box o stuff jaymes took with him last night to his house...i wondering why my journal in there said...*shifty eyes* hmm....i think i better ask about that...well tootles.

I love Jackass...prolly my favorite tv show and movies. Im watching Jackass Number Two right now. Woot, just started! I want a sailors cap...yeah...thats right, a sailors cap.



Im so happy with Jaymes. More than anything...he was the one who held my heart...he is still the one. He is my Jack...i just hope he knows how much i love him...i never want to lose him again. I really miss him already....xoxo



Decay~

So, im sitting here with Jaymes....looking at ebay *giggle* and was thinking about getting on cam...now i have a headache. Hmmm...ugh its so hot! Why does this room have to be like, 100 degrees!! Oh im finally talking to my friend Phantom, its been like, a month since i have seen or even talked to him. that makes me sad...ok...smoke, then lay down..not sure how long i will be able to tolerate this head ache....and my grammar, since i seem to spell things backwards....wtf?



Decay~

Its like, 5:20 am...i have been laying in bed thinking about a topic of conversation that Jaymes and I had a few days ago. I cant believe i lied to him. God im such an idiot...I know it was wrong...i just got so much shit from him about me going back to my ex that i didnt know what to say when the topic came up. I got so scared of what he would think of me, i didnt know what to do. I sent him an email, telling him the truth...im so scared right now. what if he leaves me for lying...omg. im so fucking stupid!



I cant sleep...i cant stop shaking. I have never been this scared in my life. What is he going to say? what is he going to do? I know how i look at him for being with sarah...i was so scared that i was going to be looked upon in the same way...grah! i cant believe how much of a fucking idiot i am...i hope he knows i would never lie to him again...this was the only thing i have ever, in our entire relationship, lied about. god i feel so gross now....



It was what made me realized i couldnt be with my ex anymore. it made me realize that i wanted noone else but jaymes...god i just feel like crawling into a hole and drying right now...how could i be so stupid. i feel like slime right now...someone just shoot me, please?

So, got drunk the other night. And started singing, NOW ok, i loooove to sing. And i wish i could claim Otep, but i cant. But i recently found out that i can scream. I saw a video of it the other night...everyone was shocked, including myself...wow. and a friend of mine wants to start a band, (lol). This shall be fun and very interesting.

***

On a random note, a friend of mine online read my dj song list and heard some of my battle mixes. He decided to give me my DJ name....DJ Toxin. Maybe becuz of my neon green yarn falls and all the industrial i choose to play. Hmm? I like it...yay!

***

I can see the patterns on your face

I can see the miracles I trace

Symmetry in shadows I can't hide

I JUST WANT TO BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE

I will give you everything to

...Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

***

Jaymes and I have gotten back together. Um, yesterday/last night? Im happy...i hope he is too....he seems like it. In a way i am terrified of being hurt again...him leaving me was the most painful thing I have EVER had to endure. And coming from me, that says alot. I will never truly forgive him for doing the things he did but I do forgive him for leaving. I understand why he did it...and I know now that I can easily lose him. I will never be able to completely turn my bipolar off, but i have learned to deal with it a little better than i use to and I am taking my medications for it. I just hope that he talks to me when something is bothering him instead of saying nothing and leaving. I am taking this risk of being hurt again...I just hope he knows my heart isnt for breaking. Im not sure it can handle being broken again...I love him and the past three months really taught me something, I just hope it did to him too. I have made mistakes and I have learned from them...im never going to risk being with him again...I hope he walks beside me as we both better ourselves, I never gave up on him...i will never give up.



DK

Soo...i want to jump into a mosh pit right now....just sayin