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So yesterday was the end of the rowing racing season. I haven't talked too much about crew this year because it hasn't had the " drama" of last few years.
Part of that is on the JV division there isn't as much push for performance, and with that less questioning of the coach. Don't get me wrong, they have questioned but over all they also have worked with me.
Simply put it is a better speed for me with my level of stress being an immigrant and work. If I'm asked to return I hope to stay in this position as it has been something I can do well.
This week I had a rower get injured and had to change a line up. That crew stepped up with only two rows to place second. My other boat won the division.
Afterwards I went to visit some friends and since have been resting as I know the rest of this weekend will be crazy with finishing my move. I have clients today and from there hope to hit full tilt boogie.
150 needles in 2 days. I average 10 or less per client.
:-/ still no needle order to be seen, and it should have been here Tuesday as it cleared customs on the 20th.
FUCK. I've already have two clients on the table as I type this, one more home visit... and then 7 clients tonight. Which is about 100 more needles.
o.o
Good thing the Naturopath I work with has extra. And even better I thought ahead and bought her 500 as by the time I'm done I will have used 400 from her supplies.
Have moved bathroom, 3/4 of bedroom, 1/8 of kitchen, living room is done. Still have spare room, basement *breath*
And tomorrow all day is rowing.
I woke with vertigo this am, so I have to really watch myself and eat well or I will get more than sick. I think my BP is exceedingly low, and so today's plan is: finish am clients, go home - unpack car, eat and nap till afternoon. Then I will shower and treat clients until 8pm.
From there I hope to do at least one car load of kitchen/storage bits then bed. Luckily with race tomorrow, I don't have to get to course until 10am. Afterwards i will meet up with friends who live on the way home and have dinner. Then it's back to finishing the move with just a few clients on Saturday.
Sooo it was an interesting day. Saw boy again today as I picked up my car. He took it home last night to make certain it was working since it gave him no issues. Literally seven of us couldn't get the car started, and for him- not a problem.
He basically took everything off and checked all the areas that could have been the issue- but said the engine looks great. Only issue I might have in future is some cording that he thinks is still in good working condition. So he had one of the mechanics pick me up from work and I expected to pay and go- but owner said boy would be right back and indicated I should wait.
So I did.
When he came he sat next to me and explained what he did, how it all looked good and how he doesn't know how or why it happened. I went over what happened- how I found awesome door matt at target and then how when I went to start it- nadda.
I told him that obviously my car likes him, as she apparently wanted to "score"- how ironic is it that my car gets more action than I do? Asked him what I owe him and he said an hour of labor. Huh? I know he did more than that... He also asked why I didn't call him first on his cell.
Umm, he was out of cards the last time I was there... So he gave me his card and cell number- and I asked him if he liked banana bread.
It appears once I'm moved I'm making him bread- now I just have to find out if he's a nut or not (in the bread!) but first I have to finish this move.
New bed was delivered last night... WAYYYY overdue. Amazing how you don't realize how bad your sleep is until you have a new mattress and box spring.
A friend loaned me his mini van last night- and I might ask to borrow again today as I was able to MOVE a bunch with it... I see a light- just not certain if it's a train yet...
This weekend started out great- then Poof it's all gone. I went up north to get a new windshield put into my car and then new tires as I'm trying to both winterize AND get my car plated for Ontario.
Literally got the tires on, and dealership parked car- so when I went to take my car... no start.
6 people helping me, a call to CAA and an international tow later- I finally got home and left the car with boy. However this am, he could start the car- but now it won't start again.
Plus I'm trying to move, it's the end of season and I have home treatments I am commited to until the end of the month. None of it I can do without a car. Nor to I have the spare funds to just rent a moving vehicle. My budget is now completely in the shitter.
Adding to my fun, my Aunt is loosing her fight with Ovarian Cancer, and it is doubtful she will see Christmas. I also received an email from a colleague that our teacher from school has been recently diagnosed with cancer and is in financial and physical crisis.
Really? When? I am so far past my breaking point, I just want to curl up and cry in a corner. But that won't get me moved or keep me working. Yet I seriously need this to stop. I just can't.
So a friend had the PERFECT thing I should have said to boy when I had wet pants:
"I was so excited to see you, I couldn't help myself"
Really, why is it always in hind sight we think of these things... Well I have to get the safety done next week, but I must control myself and not say:
"while you're doing my safety, what can you do to turn my service light off?"
Lord my love of puns is going to scare him o.O
I will be professional. I will not make an arse out of myself.
On a more humorous note: remember the interchange where I got my tire screwed?
What I didn't add was that it was a rainy morning and during crew my mustang suit- well it failed as I didn't make certain to cover the zipper with the flap that makes it water proof.
So, why is this important? Well I went to fix my tire right after crew... With a wet spot that covered my entire crotch. Picture the previous interchange with boy happening with me having wet pants.
I suppose I should be happy that there still is that ability to feel. But in all truth a part of me is exceedingly bitter about it.
After all these feelings have not gotten me anywhere, nor have they added happiness except in the short term: and it is the long term suffering that I simply would rather pass on. This is why I want to be done- go on and simply not feel. I'm so much happier in that state. Yes I know in a functional relationship this is not the case-
Yet it must be remembered that I have not had one of those. And so I don't want this because I would rather be on the even keel than feel as if I'm looking at something that I will never have or be able to attain.
Perhaps this is why people call life ironic and cruel- those who have, often don't want; and those who don't have, often want. I choose option 3- not unless real and not unless I can continue functioning fully.
As in a screw in my tire. Had to take the car in today as it was obviously flat and actually had me VERY concerned that there was off as in major fix. I knew I would need to buy two tires, and thankfully the screw was in the tire that was the worst.
Now I'm in a bigger quandary... this is supposed to get easier, not harder.
On a funnier note snippets of the conversation were:
Walking in the door, "Uh-oh"
"what I just walk through the door and that's what I get?!"
"Well yeah, I remember the car- you're not dripping oil or anything?"
"Nope, even better..."
Later: "Well there's the irony of my mom giving me a name that translates into graceful one"
Immediate laughter
"Really? Thank you for laughing right away instead of giving me the hoped for pause."
I’m in a bit a quadundrum. See I met this boy with cornflower blue eyes, which is rare for me to notice someone else’s eye colour on first meeting. Typically I trying to “read” them as in what they express but don’t say aloud. It is something I have done since I was little.
The other part of my dilemma comes from the conversation he and I had. It completely unnerved me. Reminded me so very much of someone else it was eerie. More over because I can still hear certain bits of commentary from this person and it was “egging” on the interchange. Which really bothers me, not because I don’t trust their judgment, but because I’m still so weak. If this isn’t real- if it is shadows, I don’t want the ups and downs.
Lastly I can’t seem to stop thinking about this person who I’ve barely spoken any words to, but it seems I will have to again as my car is having things go wrong with it- and he happens to be there. Worse because I’ve only had this happen two other times; and both men played significant roles in my life.
Part of me wants to fight this tooth and nail and call it completely false. I didn’t see/respond how it seems; it is my mind making something seem like it is happening simply because of something I want. But the other part of me won’t hear it. Simply because there are other external things moving as well. Signs if you would: the shooting star the morning I took my car in, a friend having a dream, my own dreams… like always time will tell… in past it has not been wrong.
But truth is I’m too fragile right now. I want to move but won’t be able to until the 25th of the month, I don’t know how I’m going to do that. And I simply can’t go through another major hurt. I know to most that is counting your eggs before they hatch, but it is my history- each of the men before lead to significant hurt. There was also significant joy, but the hurt from them was so much I still, even with all my training am far from healed. Which is why I fear being in pain like that again. I am simply not that strong.
I really miss you today. I'm having one of those days where I just want the silly fun we used to go do.
Instead I took myself out to lunch and had a nap between clients. I thought I had a good handle on things but then I got a text from the boy who's been guilting me about not having time for him during rowing season that said,
"would you be interested in coming over tonight and having sex with me"
followed by JK lol 10 min later.
I am so tired of only being seen as a sex object to men. This is why I hate the idea that some people might consider me pretty, and why I prefer being heavier as then I know people are around me for ME not because I look a certain way.
We talked about how even at a young age I had men stalking me, and thankfully I was blissfully unaware... only now I wonder if I was or if I simply ignored it consciously and subconsciously changed my outer appearance to not be bothered.
I don't want to be like that again.
But I sure as hell don't want this type of behaviour around my person. You never did that with me. However you would argue some of the reasoning that men have- even when you hated what they had done to me. You would allow me to see a different side of it, and have a better understanding both of how others see me, and how they see the world.
OMG last night was fun... I'm tired but so very grateful for this weekend. It has been a much needed reprieve after the past year.
And of course I'm in awe of the work Morri does every time. What is funny though is when you see a picture and think, "that rocks" and then look and the next thing is, "that's me!"
o.O
Strange perception shift, that.
At the same point it makes me think of all the amazingly beautiful women, the photos they take and the work that goes into making them. Do not think I think of myself as a model- I am not. I am fortunate to have a photogenic face, and some self awareness to use, but that is where I would leave my talent.
It is fun for me, pure and simple. There is an element that reminds me of theatre and what I would do to create a look. This is a challenge as I'm used to being the one doing the lighting/make up and costumes; from there altering someone else's perception.
So to be the one being filmed, I'm constantly thinking of "what does she see when I do this?" or "how will this look". Because I know I have an angular face, that can cause some lines that are not "attractive or esthetically pleasing" I have to be aware.
So I'm always taken back, by when the final product is shown- simply because my perception is so much less, than what Morrigon's is. I like this type of shift in not being the one, but trying to achieve someone else's vision. It is challenging.
I don't wanna go home *cries* lol, but mental goo aside, it's been a rockin' weekend!
I know some people don't the retrospect I'm putting here.
Know that I am doing exceedingly well. That said, I'm putting tidbits in here when they hit me so I don't forget them. Sometimes the lessons we learn when hurt are the most important and the easiest to forget simply with the amount of happenings that are going on in those times.
I have a real reason for wanting to remember many of these details and NO it is not to wallow in the loss. It is to honor the life that was lived and the times shared. How is something I'm holding close to my person. IF I'm ever able to bring it public attention I will do so here first. That said- it is YEARS down the road, and is a very ambitious thought.
But I truly don't want to forget- so I write, and soon I will be writing more. Honestly I don't think I've been writing enough. That's what happens when you spend your life living though ;)
I just read in Joli's journal about you should marry your best friend. I've said that for many, many years. In fact Garry and I had many discussions about this.
Enter irony.
I just now understood what it was when he said he wanted us to be like "Jess and Less" who are best friends... I took it as those two, not what the implications were based off what he knew I wanted.
There were so many moments of not communicating clearly; which frustrated him at times to anger. I'm getting it. But as with many things it seems to be happening too late.
It is interesting to me how some people will make excuses for another time and time again- yet when a complaint that is warranted is brought up, the idea is to back away and bury your head in the sand, rather than work the issue out.
When these things happen, I become more and more grateful for those who remain in my life, willing to have discussions based off of disagreement. I find they help me identify and change the behaviours I want changed and more importantly help each of us as friend have a better idea of who the other truly is.
Last night was Marie's wake. While I was not able to be there, I was with other friends doing what Marie and I used to do most nights, drink, talk and laugh. We even had a moment where there was conflict, but it was not something to loose sleep over- it was something to discuss and further my own personal insight to what and why some things are becoming a larger trigger than before.
That stated looking back at this past year, I think I am allowed to have some emotional moments. Given the amount of loss I've had it should not be surprising that I sometimes "go off". Yet even then that does not constitute treating someone poorly. Which is where discussions are needed.
When they are rejected the fault does not lie on my person to fix it. My door has not been closed, but I'm not here to fix anyone except myself. It is why I told Garry no so many times... and why he told me no. We were taking responsibility for what we needed to do OURSELF.
Pointing a finger is so bloody easy. Compassion and attempting to understand someone else's pain (which in my case I must remember; right now I can be overwhelming to others) is far more difficult because it takes the importance off ourselves; while if we allow it to, gives us greater insight to our own faults, fears and dreams.
I keep thinking of the journal entry when Morrigon was talking about women posting beautiful avatars followed by real pictures of themselves where they are so NOT what they have as their representation...
You start sleeping with someone who professes to be one of my closest friends, then dump her to start sleeping with another one of my closest friends and now you tell the latest one that you don't want to sleep with her anymore because you aren't ready for the "next step"...But (here's the kicker)
That same night, you're messaging me that you are finally ready for a relationship.
No I don't care that "you're ready to date" and no I will not feel bad "for not having time for you" when I told you ALL summer that in fall I don't have time.
Want to date me?
Goody for you- get in line because I'm not interested in stopping my life- for anyone.
You put forth so much lip service and then turn around as if you are blameless. You left a bad situation for supposedly just reasons; but now I see you repeating your same mistake with someone who will use you and this time you will loose it ALL.
Why?
Because you like the attention?
Or is it because you truly do not see the path of destruction you've left behind?
I think it is because you know how you've back-stabbed not just my person, but several others. Ironic that you are doing this to yourself.
Meh, today. I swear that I simply want to dance a dance of chaos, knowing there is no one who has the ability to stop me.
Just because.
I'm a liar like that.I still can feel a hand on my forearm, when the wind blows ever slightly I can feel the diversion of another person. Moments of joy I hear your laughter, and when the lights are in between I see peripherally. I see you as much as I feel you.
Really?! You stand me up twice- now are pouting about not seeing me? I was perfectly clear about the chaos that is fall rowing and that I would NOT have time.
Fucking deal with it.
And stop asking for photos- you didn't donate for the cancer walk which means no photos for you. Gah, men can be such babies.
No wonder I don't date- this is complete bullshit.
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