I need to see this musical. So much so, I have altered my profile in its theme and added a song from the show, No Good Deed. So many parallels I see now, wonder if I'll have a similar ending?
*sigh* back to cleaning...
What do stress, anxiety and a big burrito equal?
Nightmares and indigestion at 1:20am, oh such good times. Add that my “bed” is about 20” wide and about 5’10” long … actually it’s 3 cushions on the basement floor. Now I have a crick in my neck from not being able to “move” while I sleep.
To calm my nerves, all I want to do is a little cruising around VR and it’s nightly database maintenance time.
BAH.
I used to wait for a sign, she said, before I did anything. Then one night I had a dream & an angel in black tights came to me & said, you can start any time now, & then I asked is this a sign? & the angel started laughing & I woke up. Now, I think the whole world is filled with signs, but if there's no laughter, I know they're not for me.
Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life.
Remember to use positive affirmations. I am not a dork is not one of them.
But once I get the #&$%^ out of Seattle, I have to BOOGIE with getting my business going.
GAH... why can't I have a magic wand that will make this all go away? *sigh*
We now return to our regular scheduled program of cleaning and throwing shit out...
Well I'm now down to the last few loads of mice fabric to be saved, and the bloody bastards GOT MY FABRIC FOR MY STAR TREK COSTUMES!!! GAH!!!!!!!!! And it was the perfect texture and weight... here's to crossing my fingers in being able to save it.
*hangs head in shame of uber geekness*
Anyone know where I can get communcator?
*sigh*
I know you are all very well meaing, but when you see me on here- don't ask me about the move. It is not going well, and I am getting severe anxiety attacks over the situation.
I am doing as much as I possibly can to finish it as quickly as humanly possible. But I am also sorting through 4 people's things, many things HAVE to be gone through by hand as my grand parents hid important documents etc.
After I finish the sorting dump runs, cleaning and storage of these items, then I have to paint and clean.
I am not just moving my things, I am forcing my mother to go through her partents things and sort out the estate. This is causing extreme trauma to her and myself due to situations that I am growing increasingly bitter over- but cannot change. There is a daily fight, and I am trying to limit what/how much I do to make sure that everything is done.
There is no help I'm being given except a few friends, and frankly the amount that I am doing is extreme.
So please, when I come here for a break from the emotional stress- understand it is because this seems to be the only place I can relax enough to actually get a few hours of sleep until the panic attack will hit me in the middle of the night, and I need rest as I am not doing as well or as quick as I would like with all of this.
Earth is our mother that's turning around
With the trees in the forest and roots underground
A father above us
As high as a wind
Painting a rainbow without any end
As the rivers run freely the mountains doth raise
Let me touch with my fingers and see with my eyes
In the hearts of the children
Pure love still grows
Like a bright star in heaven
That lights our way home
Like a flower that shattered the stone.
Sparrow finds freedom beholding the sun
In the infinate beauty we're all joined in one
I reach out before me
Look to the sky
Like a bright star in heaven
That lights our way home
Like a flower that shattered the stone.
In the hearts of the children
Pure love still grows
Like a bright star in heaven
That lights our way home
Like a flower that shattered the stone.
~C. Ottey
I miss that summer among the trees.
Constant, present, enduring
I dream of being swallowed by the mountains,
Hidden again by the wood.
Seen once more on an A frame porch.
Under stars, just us and a guitar.
Watch out for your minons Humankiller, it looks like at least one of them has a brain of their own.
*** ***
Nivera
16:02:06
Oct 19 2006
DO NOT DARE SAY SUTCH A THING TO A PERSON YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!!! YOUR A MOTHER FUCKER THAT JUDGES BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW A THING!!!! DONT DARE SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO MY MASTER!!!!! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!!
*** ***
XXXXXX
16:05:39
Oct 19 2006
humankiller says I'm supposed to threaten you, but honestly I feel no obligation to. You have a really nice profile, by the way...I like how you organized it all...Can you give me any ideas on how to improve mine?
And all I was doing was reading her journal... *sob* and on her birthday no less *WHAAAAAA* an... and she goes and does that... in in in the guise of a smiley face... such a fool...
Drank too much, too soon with too little water last night.
MEH Emergen-C and H2O I'll be back right as rain :)
*Actually my version of hangover, is just fatigue with small HA*
But I choose to be baby today :P
This past year I am realizing what I have been taught.
My mother taught me so very much. Sacrificed things for me that in her perception would make me a strong able woman. In doing so, she has wrapped herself up in both my and my brother’s lives. Her drive for a family and normalcy lead her to compromises of her knowledge, allowing deception to take over and now she is in need.
For a long time, I took that as something that I as family should help with. But she taught me well. I now see that this is not the case. I cannot help her unless I help myself first. If I am not strong and following what it is I should have been doing, then she will never achieve those secret dreams she has denied herself in the hopes of raising me right.
She taught me to love so deeply that I will walk away from love, for love. To remove myself and my dysfunction from the equation. I will still be there for her, just not in the way I allowed previously. It breaks my heart, and must be done.
How will I function walking away from this? Because I can, and if I am to honor her sacrifice I must do what I felt years ago. Slacker I was called today, and indeed that is true.
I have slacked from what I know is needed. My moment of self-pity envelops my conscious thought, but it will not become my only one. I made this situation. I have undermined me for years now. Someone stated that being in my thirties and waking up is like waking before my death, I would argue it’s waking for my life. Thanks to science we live longer, healthier lives. My grandfather lived to 94, and if my grandmother had not had extreme diabetes she would have lived past her 73 years. I am at worst still 10 years from half way, at best I will have 15 or who knows 20 years till that mid point.
It is true the folly of my youth is fading. But I am not. I am expanding, growing and seeing – ME. Not the me that conformed and was beaten down. No one beat me down that I did not allow that access to do it.
Unconditional love means loving even when it is not returned, loving for love sake. Not becoming a victim of that love. Some dream of the fireworks and explosions. I dream of someone I can be with. Fully me. Where I want to slow down, smile and see the stars. Not the rush of have to, crazy, uncontrolled emotions that make you loose you. I want to find me even more, breathe and look. Where the world stops, there is time to inhale the essence and presence of that person. Like a best friend you just can’t stop talking to, have to spend every free moment with. I want my heart to sing at their words, their views, and then take their hand as I face tomorrow.
To have this, I must first find that in myself. I must first be the lover of me. Without this, any love I offer is hollow, false a reflection of, “I want”. I want my love to reflect, “What is.” How beautiful is that? To have your love be a reflection of what you are, not what you wish to see in yourself? Then, it does not matter because the boundaries are gone, you are.
I start by finishing my work here, go to Canada, where now with the current situation I have no preconceived notions of how I will make things be. I have no idea. Truly I am a blank slate again. I feel like I just graduated from college and there is no responsibility for me to fulfil, except what I want. Infinite in the possibilities of exploration.
So simple to write this out, but so difficult in execution. I suppose that I would resent this process if it were easy. Perhaps that will be my next homework assignment, appreciate the simple things for being simple. Life does not always have to be difficult.
I am stronger than I wish to be, I will learn to embrace that. Not as a weapon, such as I’ve done in past. Rather as my crutch. We are no stronger than our weakest link. And mine is loneliness combined with a fierce independence that I have dared others to come near. Drawn the line and smiled to say, “I DARE YOU.” Chased them off with my strength because I feared they would see my need, my desires and think less of me. I am not complete on my own, and that is ok. Perhaps some acknowledgement and patience with myself is also in order.
The lessons are stirring in me, I have not forgotten. I am altering the guilt to joy, in that I can see that the one person working the hardest against me is myself. Everybody else is too busy with themselves to give a rat’s ass about me, so it is time to care for me. I will have more to give that way and it will work out. Regardless of positive or negative there is always solutions and resolutions.
So I will be the woman my mother sacrificed for, but I will not sacrifice myself in the hopes that my example will lead her to where she wishes to go. If I have to apologize for my mistakes, I will. I am accountable for everything that I do. Others did not screw me, I did. I had my eyes open and I did not heed the warnings.
I choose to live, not merely exist. Perhaps it will all be great in the end, or I just might get a shot at normalcy. Not based off of the ideals of others, but the ideals of me. Who knows maybe I will love so greatly that I can breathe the bliss. Even if it means my great love is me.
Well my situation is still difficult at best, but as I hoped there are still many options for me.
In talking to my mother about this, she told me something about my childhood that I did not know.
"When you were little, you would get so wound up that you would put yourself into a state. So much so, that I would have to slap you to get you to sleep. Then you would fall asleep crying in my arms."
Seems rather harsh, but it seems that even to this day I need that slap to clear the space. Resolve the mania that keeps me awake and unable to shut down.
I consider this situation, my own way of slapping myself. I created the mess that I am in, by going against my own better judgement and knowledge. I will fix it.
Thanks Maverick,
I'm crying like a baby over here, just at the sight of my puppies. I really needed that, as not having them with me right now is killing me.
What do you do when it all falls apart, and your commitments have you in a situation where you don't know how to proceed?
I fear that I am now totally and completely screwed.
I am confident I will find something, but angry that I am in this situation and only able to do little bits at a time. If there was ever a time where faith is needed- it is now.
Forward, there is nowhere but one step in front of the other. Finding another plan, what my legal options are, but still I can't seem to shake this feeling of black.
It is clouding my vision. So very close, I can taste it. Fortunes fool yet again. In the past I have landed on my feet, will this time be different? I am so very tired of my existence being challenged. A moment of rest is needed, so very badly. I wish to not feel so heavy like there is a weight holding me under water.
Where have my wings gone? It is now that I wish to fly, when all I feel beneath is the cold hard dirt. I wish for the sky and still...
I assume you want that fixed in the mobster sense...
3 hours and only 2 pieces of furnature moved.
Not at my house, my mothers. There is no way that we are going to be able to take her the things that she wants. She has everything piled in such a way that the majority of the time was moving shit just so that we could access what she wants me to sell.
Worst part is she has set this up that I have to do things at HER place just to get things at MY place. I don't know how I'm going to ever finish this.
Haven't finished the fabric yet. This is complete and total hell...
I had lunch yesterday with a friend who is rather closed-minded. During our conversation I was very pleased to see the ways that she is growing in her own spiritual path. While she will never be open to things outside her path, or that she deems as evil; she reminded me that compassion can be a tool for those who do not wish to see.
Compassion not to change individuals, but compassion of everyone’s being. There is something in that.
Just being.
And compassion for that you cannot understand.
Powerful.
And now that motivates me, give me hope that even in our fallacy of being open minded that we can go beyond.
I say this right as a flock of crows has landed in the great pine tree in my back yard. They are being vocal like they want to be heard above the sounds of construction and remodelling in the neighborhood.
“Time to move on,” they say, "get done what needs doing. You have stewed in your shit long enough. Action, you have some place to be."
A chance meeting
Small strolls, and hours of conversations
Being
Denial of what is
Yet unspoken is known
Then coffee, a movie
Ease into desire
Shelter, hide, protect
More, so much more
Complete
I miss you
Not the ideal of perfection
The imperfections
Simply You
So I dyed my hair last night- or I should say my mother dyed my hair.
1st mistake: the colour is wrong, close to my natural but not what I wanted and now BLAH.
2nd mistake: letting my mother do the colour- enough said.
3rd mistake: Cutting my hair myself after colouring it.
*SIGH*
I really need to find someone willing to barter in London- I suck at doing hair…
Practise self-affirmations everyday,
I am not a dork is not one of them.
Ok in the am, I leave for Seattle yet again... this time to finish up and leave for good :(
While I am excieted to get started here... I am very sad to go back and do what I have to do. In some ways I would prefer to just stay here and say fuck it all...
*sigh*
See you all in a few days!
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