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Today had been a bit like a dream... Now it's back to where I need to be...

There are some things that you simply want to hang on to. Only the harder you try, the more it changes.



Forgive me for this, how much I desperately want to go back... Knowing that simply isn't possible. And yet I know it is better, I can't help but want it all.



Today was a day I looked forward to. I am so grateful for those few hours. I know there is so much further to go. But I simply missed you.

Facebook- yet another way for my mom to give me a guilt trip.



:-/

So I sent a friend an article the other day over text- no problem and we laughed about it...



Today I sent the same article to another friend and crashed their phone! O.o



Who knew my ability to kill electronics would extent to phones- and even at a distance! :-O

Please forgive me, I do not cry because you hurt. It is because I am helpless in stopping it. Nor is it the fear of death that saddens me, but the potential loss of sharing. Simply put I cry because your suffering reflects to me everything I would never wish for you. There simply is no one that deserves to go through these things.



So when I turn and you see that tear I cannot stop, do not think I pity you. It is me praying with my being that you continue to get stronger and that you will be away from all of this sooner than later.

It's hard going from a day like yesterday where things were easy and fun, just what I have been wanting- to a day like today. What it teaches me is to be so very thankful for what I have, and to remember to not take any day for granted.



Seems like if my friend is up for visitors tomorrow I will go, as when I pointed out that being sick I can't- the immediate response was "you can wear a mask"... A part of me simply wanted to refuse, but then how does that work when I'm selfishly only working on me? Wait- I have to stop and remember it is a two way street and while at different times we all detour or close our "streets", to get anywhere at some point they have to open again.



So I will go be "infectious Annie" tomorrow, provided they have the energy as with all the specialists and everything that is going on- they may not be up to seeing me. Which I have to remember that my energy level- is not where they are currently functioning. But even for the brief glimpse of before, I am grateful... and wondering if they have pink masks ;)

So I didn't get most of what I wanted to get done yesterday... Seems I picked up cold?! I ended up going to bed at 7 and didn't start moving until 8am :/ I guess I know why I was fatigued before.



The only good thing is that I seem to have not gotten worse, but it also means i probably won't be able to visit a friend in the hospital. That is what really upsets me. Oh well these things happen. *sigh*

Ahahahahaha







Just finished my first web cam :) Was nice to show some people around my office... even better that I got that picture heh...



*Dear Lord Cancer, Please allow administration to have private webcam time to "work" on site improvements such as debauchery and {cough} I mean be productive... yeah, that's it...

Today I start and finish work before many people will leave... Then I have meeting an hopefully will get some paintin done. Till then- more coffee is called for

Should I push the envelope with granny panties? Nah... But the mental image makes me laugh!

Lol he might be wee but his ass knows no bounds! :-O

Cake I had cake for breakfast!



CAaaaAaaaaKKKKKKKKKKkkkEEEEeeeeeeeee!



Heh

"That's disgraceful Sahahria. This is NOT a dating site!!!"



"Thanks for the new spank bank material, sahahria! ;]"



"Panties? Boobies? This is the best dating site... EVER!"



"She started it"



"uh... you'll have to excuse me for 5 minutes."



"Heads AWAY from Thoth."



I think I peed a little with that last one... and of course can't forget this one: "L-to the O- to the L"

Has anyone else noticed that Morri and I are one heck of T&A duo? It's like we were made for each other. *swoons*































tits and ass for those who don't get the lingo

You know, I'm a little sick and twisted with what I find funny. So forgive me when I view the recent bits in journals going over what is pretty and what is not...



From past conversations, we need an IQ test for people to join VR, and now there seems to be a mandate for a beauty test too. Umm while I know many smart/beautiful people... They are the exception not the rule.



So make up your mind. Do you want beauty or brains... God forbid the freak of nature that will contain both... They actually might be a candidate to be the anti-Christ.

Ding ding Req was right *sigh*

Check



check



check



check



Today I feel like I have gotten quite a bit done... so why does that leave me feeling less than accomplished and more than a little emotional?



*sigh*

We had our open house this weekend at work, and I have to say- I hope I don't have another week like this past one for a while.



It was good, yet I don't like being gone from home for 10+ hours in a day. Having an older dog and cats, I simply like being able to go back and forth at a more "relaxed pace".



Sunday I spent most of the day on my couch watching movies, and since then I've been doing my chores and attempting to keep doing small improvements on the place so that this winter I can hopefully redo the floors. I'm still finding that I'm phyically exhausted, but thankfully I am getting back to the gym and doing workouts- it's just that I'm having to do things at a slower pace.



I don't really know where I'm going with this any more. LOL that is a good indication of how tired I've been... I start things and get them done... then look around going what was I doing? oh yeah, going home...

I have to say I've missed writing in here. It seems that this outlet is one that I need to maintain- mostly for myself. Without it, while I do go through things and sort and move on- there lacks a formal time where I sit and actually work on what I'm thinking in the means to express it.



One of the primary things that keeps going through my mind the past few days is something that someone said to me:



Insights are only useful if applied and used.



It got me thinking about how often people KNOW what to do, yet somehow these same people fall short of attaining what they know they can. This is where I think many of us miss the ball. We simply think knowing is enough. It is not. After we know something, the responsibility is on us to actually DO something about what we have insight on. Otherwise, it can be something else for us to hold on to, stagnate with and ultimately it can make us bitter, jaded or ruin our other desires.



Think about how often someone knows something is good for them, and in fact is something they want. Then think about those that do nothing towards attaining this good thing. Even if you try and don't succeed, you know you TRIED- and if you're tenacious, you probably had several failures prior to gaining this good thing. Either way, you know what it would be; you took the risk to live the question, and you got your answer.



Sure it seems easier to let the seeds of fear and doubt hold you back a bit- be safe and just think about it... but years down the road you simply will not KNOW what the answer could have been. Because you lacked the courage to live the question even for a short time.



There are also times where you live one question to find that no it isn't a good thing for you, and in fact you'd prefer something else... again you have an answer that is based off the truth of your essence.



To me it seems the potential of not knowing due to fear leads to a much less enriched life. Granted it might be comfortable- but it is not a life I wish to lead. I prefer to know, experience and from that grow in whatever direction I happen to find myself going...

TOO



MUCH



WORK



UGGG.



And I have to "git er done"... only great thing about today- Yoga at 7:30.

Compromise is the name of the game.



Not in big ways- but in the doing the money dance. I have to get the current situation taken care of... and still I'm in the same catch 22. GAH. Seriously if I thought about it too much it would drive me batty.



Good thing I'm not, rather I'm focused on the solution which is my business. So far I have several good things in the works. I have some trades I'm putting together so I don't have the gym fees of last year (still going to pay for hot yoga because DAMN it gets cold here) but other than that I am choosing to not have internet at home except through my cell phone. Once I get a new plan on my cell it will save me close to 50.00 per month.



Not much in the grand scheme of things- but for where I'm at, that is money much needed for other purposes. The hard part is it means I lurk when I'm here as trying to do much on my phone is a bit of a pain in the arse.



What I truly need to find is a private lender. My issue is I know people I can ask- but I simply don't want to. One it will make things awkward, and two: I know that if I told my mother I was returning to Seattle she would come up with the money to pay my bills AND move me home. Go figure. That to me is the most aggravating bit of this as what I made in Seattle was not a living wage.



Plus, I hated living there. Still she's starting to see what I'm saying as I told her yesterday I am not going home for Christmas. She tried to argue but the fact is I lose about 500-750 in wages, I have to pay 100+ for bus ticket, I still have all of my bills to pay and I need to pay for dog sitting... add to that what I will want to spend while there... it is DUMB for me to go- unless I want to stay. And I don't.



That is what hurts her the most.



Add to it she is striving to "prove" she can hold onto the estate... and you know what? I didn't sign over my share for her to suffer with finances as she has. This is JUST DUMB. More than dumb it is putting EVERYTHING at jeopardy. Either this week or when I actually can talk to her, I'm going to suggest that she do two things:



1. Sell the rental house. That money she can use to retire and reinvest into something she WANTS- and more over will give her the means to start taking care of her house.



2. Pay down the mortgage on my brother's house JUST to the point that they can afford to take over ALL payments. Then put it in their hands- it is time for them to be adults and for her not to put 800-1200 a month into that house because they are not paying the full mortgage. If they can't do it- sell that house too.



If she sells both- give my brother and his wife a portion they can use to buy a house with low mortgage, and walk away. If they waste it, well they had the opportunity that most people NEVER have. Their loss. At this point that is what I'm thinking. There is no need for all the BS that is happening because she wants to help us- really, in truth she's been hindering us by not letting us make our own mistakes.



Hell look at my situation. If I had not signed over the house to her, the I would have NO financial issues right now. Not one. But that is not what I CHOSE to do, so like I often say to the troll here, "suck it up buttercup" and let's move forward and away from this crap. Honestly I'm done.



Best news of all of it... is that being poor won't kill you. It takes some adjustments, but I'm creative that way ;)

OMG people... seriously... stop canceling on the same day... and then stop wanting the same appt as everone else that canceled.



*face palm*



Ugggg



Can you tell it's my monday?



Blerg.

And it's over.



I have so many thoughts, I can't seem to keep them straight. Still now I have to hit the ground running as my business is going into one of the busiest times I have...



*happy, sad, content yet unnerved: sigh*