The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

To everyone even though I am not able to be as accessible as I'm used to being.



I hope that this holiday brings a reflection of all the good and great things in your lives!

Today I actually have the time to take a few min and log on here at the library. From here I will do my 30 min run, and then head home to shower and prep for my afternoon of work.



Working out is going well, I'm currently doing a cleanse that is helping me loose some of the last "pockets" of fat that I honestly have never gotten rid of. Currently I'm not only back to my training weight, I'm also back to my size I was then- if not a little bit smaller. I'm pretty certain that by spring I will be a size 8 which will be the smallest I have been since before High School. I don't know that I will get much smaller than that simply because of my frame. Still I currently guess that my finish weight will be 155-160 with body fat of about 12-14% which is what I wanted my target to be. By my guessing right now at 167 I'm about 18-22% body fat and currently going through another "jump" in metabolism. This time it's releasing all of the toxins.



I have to remember to be patient as this happens as it will bring up all of the old "stale" emotions that I literally stored in my body over the years. Consider this both an energetic and physical purge. To say it has me out of sorts would be a bit of an understatement.



Which would bring me to why I still am fighting what I know to be right. Last night I woke from a good sleep to simply want to run again. I don't know where- but there was that urge. Then this morning on my walk to the chiropractor, I had the "bright idea" that I should just not talk to Dink again. Um, yeah- no need to say it, I still remember and am still working on the mess from the shit in my basement. I know, keep on even keel.



But I'm wondering how.



And I'm wondering if there really is any purpose beyond what I assign these signs.



Yes, I know others have heard them and said- "uh, you should listen- even I could tell you that was wrong"... but what if we're all wrong. What if there truly is not a happily ever-after?



I know that in the Bible doubting Thomas was shown, and eventually became a saint. I don't want that- I simply want peace. I remember how easy I would take knowledge and just go with how the things happened even when others thought I was nuts. Now it is not so easy as the doubt is not from others- it is my own insecurities and ability to trust myself.



Funny how when dealing with others we project our own instances of contradiction into the mix and then wonder why/how things went wrong. This time I'm too aware. I'm frightened. Because the truth is the thought of loosing this- I don't know I could handle. It is in all truth, the point where I either break down or break forth.



When this thought hit me, I realized- I need to keep on the path I set. I need to excel and stop hindering that to the extent I have been. I have placed all the pieces in the right order and areas- now I simply have to follow through. Wow, that's a lot harder than I expected.



Simply because the resistance I face- Is myself.



A thought hit me, you know one of those thoughts where you're thinking- what would I say to so and so... "Catch up or shut up". That pretty much sums up the why of waiting. Still, there is that fear. Perhaps my thanksgiving thought should be what I advise my clients to do all the time,



Focus on what is right, then you won't find yourself doing or being hindered by the bad.



Cancer said it very well, do things right the first time.



Still I like to know the why, I like to dissect what I do and that sometimes means I purposefully make mistakes simply so I know the why not. Is it useful? Definitely. However it is a longer process, and honestly I'm getting tired of it. I am ready for me time- time where I can do some of my dreams.



Perhaps even rekindle old ones I thought were dead... time will tell, and right now all the paths are open doors. And all of them show space for growth and for someone else. Who- well that I don't know, and as I said earlier it will be someone that can keep up.



Now I'm going back to normal thoughts, thinking to this extent while it helps me calm my nerves it also taxes my emotions. There comes a time where you just have to sit down, shut up and do.



So here I go...

{rant}{foul language=moderate}



You sir, fucking piss me off. In the same instance I know that I’m pushing- but please consider that perhaps it is because you have me play the “girl” card far more than my comfort zone allows for. My pride takes serious hits each time you insist that I not help or assist.



I am used to DOING. Being the one to sit back and watch someone suffer is not something I like to do. Especially when I am able to help. I know it is your right to say no. I know that there are bigger reasons for you to say that. But it needs to be acknowledged what that costs me.



It simply makes me feel useless- a burden and I can’t stand that.



It seems that my independence is far deeper than I realized. That for me to really feel as if I contribute to a friendship I have to do. *sigh* I know this is not the case, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling this way when these instances happen.



I’m frustrated not being able to log in here and go over my thoughts as they happen.



I hate not having a computer to do my work that I need to do.



I’m angry I don’t have access to a file when I want to have access to it.



And while not all my doing- a great portion of it is. Especially when I consider what I’ve done in the past month. I know better- but it was the only way I felt helpful. It’s funny, I don’t get how people approach friendships like this- I suppose that is part of why I’m considered a “giver” if I’m not serving a purpose- I feel that I’m in the way. Now I have a friendship with someone who actively listens to me, and forces me into what I want.



Which then aggravates me to no ends because I have no argument to get my way- because they are forcing me to not “change my mind” when it suits me. Fucking hard ass taste of my own god-damn medicine is what it is. Cocksucker actually puts me into a position where I have no choice. It’s like a shitty game of chess where my only move is into check-mate. Every fuckin’ flipping move… grrrrrrr.



I miss having the fun times here- I miss my friends. Damn- I can’t even express that right. This is the longest that I have not had easy access to VR since I joined in 2005. And I have to say- I flipping can’t stand it. Addicted much? Uh, yeah- I’ll claim that and own it. Still it has to wait a little longer. Dinkboy? Well I am not really angry with him- I’m more angry at myself and my own contradictions. That at times he makes them obvious- annoys me, and causes more emotional reactions than I’m used to.



Ironically, I always wanted to be girly- I just never understood how my attitude and demeanor are so FAR from that. Perhaps my grandfather had something to do with that, as did my grandmother and mother. But Grandpa, well- he simply encouraged me to do all the things that the boys did, so that I could take care of myself. That I can- I am rather proud of.



That I don’t want to- confuses me and creates these moments where I resist and push.



However, Dorkboy should realize- that I understand that while being pushed away- that is not what is wanted. Not really, it is more another issue of pride- and control. I get that, appreciate that in him- but while I can be notoriously impatient- I also can be exceedingly patient. There will be a point where the tables are not as they are now. You will not be alone in that moment- just as you have not allowed me to be alone.



I do see, and I remember. {/language}



And for that, you and all that is right in my life





I am thankful to the point of humility. Truly my cup does run over in abundance.

So since my computer cord went kaput… I have had:



1. Shit in my basement.

2. An encounter with my totem animal.

3. I hit a pedestrian while driving my car.



As I summed it up to my friend: when you question what the universe wants you to do, be prepared for shit to happen (literally and figuratively). When you ask for a sign, you might just find out why the totem animal crossed the road. And just when you think you don’t need anyone, you run into someone in the “nick” of time.



*sigh*



That is enough puns for the rest of my life thankyouverymuch.



/end update

So the women's team won Ontarios, and Nationals this weekend.



I should be happy, pleased and relaxing right now.



Note to self: work to make this happen as where I'm at now- is not where I want to be.



That is all.