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Going to another movie tonight... this time we watch men strip :P lol



But best part, I'm getting GUMMIES lol

So today Brit is mailing us a poster(s) that we can use as prizes for the poker run.



I.

Am.

So.

Excited!





As I remember the time I showed Garry her pictures and he looked at me and said, "WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE me to THESE people?" LOL. He was such a guy, and one that was a douche. But it didn't change who HE was.



Just for that, for me this donation is one of the "prime" prizes. I know many others won't 'get it' but, that memory just makes me smile each time I think about it.



I started drinking about an hour ago after wandering my neighborhood. I think I will be getting one piercing redone soon, and adding three more. I'm kind of excited about it. Now I just have to have a BRILLIANT month and I will get more of my Tattoo done. OR, I will just start payments with her for that too. I have so much to catch up on, that I've put ME on the back burner. Time to change that!

I went to go see Rock of Ages tonight with the house mate and her boyfriend. It was a very fun, and contemplative movie for me. A part of me now really wants to see the actual musical, but for now I'm left with the thoughts from the musical.



Something that everything seems to point to, is those that loose do one of two things; ultimately they either try to help other people's happiness, or they work to destroy that in others.



There are millions of ways to go about this, but it all comes down to intent and responsibility. If you keep waiting for the path to get easier, or the time to be lighter; it never will.



You have to make the ease, laugh through the pain and somehow not let the chatter of others have any impact except that of learning and expanding.



Ebb and flow. My business coach reminded me of that today. I know this very well. But I have a coach, not because I know- but because I forget. I need someone with an outside view to remind me; propel me back to my purpose.



A part of me is so very confused. Mechanic boy seems to be back in the picture at least for the moment. The car is yet again acting up. Ironic. Still at this point, it seems there are possibilities, and I simply can't care. I have too much to do.



There isn't a word for what I'm going through. So I'll explain the last time I felt this strongly about things. I was training in university; there was a goal, and a time limit. And I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt certain outcomes.



I feel that now, only I don't know the time limit; but I know the outcomes. Just like then, I have too much to do to worry about what it means or how it will happen. There is only just this moment and moving towards this "goal".







Ironic it takes a song, and a phone bill... where I went from 2500 texts a month, to 500 to see. We are truly our biggest hindering force that is ever to be faced. Such a simple jester, but so complex in execution simply because two people always have different ideas, hopes and dreams.



Perhaps our truest illusion is the one we desperately chase; that we are not alone. When in fact, that is the truth of life. Yet those moments when they happen, life simply flows. That might be what I miss the most, the flow to go with my ebb.

Yes I am aware that I am too easily hurt. Keep in mind that the only way to work past this is to see it and express it as needed.



Interestingly I choose a public journal. At the same point, I typically will say things to someone directly. Looking at the vast space of things...maybe that is the issue.



But it isn't one that I want to change, except to hone. Because I view clear communication as so desperately needed in today's day and age.

A funny thought occurred to me today... one of the big things being brought against our event...



It's too big.



Um WHAT? We haven't had anything yet?!



It's a website with merchandise... it has the bare bones of what any event has... IT HASN'T HAPPENED! What do you mean it's too big?!?!?!?!



*sigh*



It's ok my friend the firefighter (old school VR knows exactly who I'm talking about) and I had dinner tonight to celebrate his birthday. Interestingly, while not the same thing; he dealt with SO MUCH politics with doing the firefighter's calendar, I'm amazed that any charity event goes off.



Really people? If it is a good cause, STFU and let people do good.



Don't like it? DO YOUR OWN GOOD.



Really. The world would be SO MUCH BETTER, even if it just was buying the person behind you's order.

It seems like I am not the only one to be hit hard with the negativity and back lash.



Ironic in the sense we knew we couldn't count on certain people; but we never expected that they would be so against doing something so very good in our friend's name.



Sad and pathetic really. The more I think on it, the more and more I see the reasons he and I would polarize. I feel bad that he only got glimpses of what I grew up with. I think he would have taken off in that environment.



For what ever reason/lesson, I must now muddle through this last bit and then make a clean break. It is beyond time. No there is not really any hurt, nor is there "hate", it is just the knowledge that as much potential as these individuals hold; they are more interested in holding people back.



That simply isn't my style. I wish them well with everything, simply because I do get why they go for the temporary "happy moments". They don't have enough of the "real deal".

So my brother has been dealing with a troll on his facebook page. His cousin.



I have to say it is getting VERY old watching the banter back and forth. While I appreciate why my brother is willing to have the discussion/debates- it's really making me realize you simply can't "change people's minds". They will always believe the form of reality that makes the most sense to them.



It also makes me wonder why I bother dealing with people at all.

It is interesting how so often we have this idea in our head, and it isn't until much later that we can see our error.



In many ways the puppies have been more than a god send, they've been a life line. But even with that, they are tard muffins. *sigh*

Well that is a relief.



I was approved for my life insurance which also includes a critical care policy. In other words, if I am diagnosed as "terminally ill" this policy will pay out so I can use it for my care, or what I need to.



Good to know that while I feel like "poop" for me, that my vitals are all still showing as normal or above average *as otherwise if there were an issue, I would not have been approved*.

I know I've talked about this before: perspective.



Sometimes it is better to not worry about someone else's and to just keep on your merry way.



Today, I'm getting a little bit more. I find this new twist rather ironic, simply put because I have vented- but I've also made it perfectly clear that I appreciate what has been said. Truth be told I've been too busy with other things to do anything other than vent, clear my head and do more.



It's being brought to my attention that I am "causing" drama.



Ah.



I see exactly where this perception comes from and how. It is ironic, as a few words in venting have turned my irritation in to "extremely pissed" when my true anger is over the element that I'm being singled out for doing exactly what you told me you wanted. Yet I have never not said your stance was valid...



And now, yet again- it is my fault.



So be it, I simply have too much to do. You will either speak directly with me, or you will maintain your perceptions. Your choice.

Ok, back to cleaning.. on my last day off... *sigh* I wanna go play some more! *pout*

A new day, and some well needed responses in email... I'm feeling better. This is the thing about doing something; it has the really rough moments where you simply want to scratch your head and/or bang it into the wall.



I just have to remember while this isn't like rowing, it can be similar. You simply have "those" days. And it's what you do with it that determines where you end up.



It's hard to not look at a goal and go "OMG WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?"



It just has to be remembered that it is a GOAL. It is not the result we are being held to; it is what we are striving for. I'm just grateful for the small reminders that happen every day. I've needed them.



And will continue to need them as I remember this last piece that somehow got lost in my move...

I find myself gravitating towards the people I miss the most from home. Not the actual people, but the integrity of.



One thing that I was talking to a friend about, is how poorly people follow through. I've gotten several promises of support/sponsorship only to have to send email after email to silence.



For example: I messaged Bif Naked's manager and was told we could get autographed Cd/T-shirt. AWESOME! Was so excited!



But since then, in trying to arrange shipping etc- nadda. nothing. silence. Three months later, and I'm still trying to see if we can get this. What is irritating, is I would have preferred to not be told "yes" and now be sitting here feeling like a nag with someone who I know is busy. It is aggravating.



While it hurts every time we are told no, that at least is a clear answer, and one that doesn't have me waiting my time- or THEIR time. I don't get it.



Then again many people don't take responsibility for their actions or inaction. So it's time to simply surround myself with people who are DOING, and from there; I'm sure we'll do just fine!

So I spent the past 6 hours calling potential sponsors, ride stops and emailing information out to people.



I could honestly do another 7 hours and still just barely be scratching the surface. However, laundry must be done; house must be cleaned... and I need ME time.



This is why I am so very thankful for everyone helping me out. Without them, this would not happen. I don't think certain people understand this, as I think they are more interested in "what's in it for them"... but we have to be this way- but it doesn't mean we have to be negative. I am having a good day of remembering this.



One person who has been a HUGE help through this process, not only in donating, but also in helping us promote is Morrigon. Even if you don't buy a print in support of our event, consider buying one in support of HER work. That must be remembered.



She is one of the awesomesauce people making the day a REALITY. And for that, I'm grateful.



Besides, if I don't say that- Pai will bite my ankles. And I'd rather he bully the boyz ;)

36 shirts have been sold to date. :)



YAY! This means about 75 will be printed as the above number does not include the 12 others I was told about yesterday... we shall see what comes through.



It's exciting, at the same point it is terrifying! o.O

So I was propositioned by a friend I've had for years. Someone I do like, and think if situation were right- maybe. But the thing of it is; is how it happened.



We both were at different weddings, and texting back and forth about drinking and silliness. I had told him if he picked someone up to send me a picture so I could have blackmail.



Then about an hour after I actually went to bed, a text came in that said, "Your drunk wanna fuck?"



I did a laugh and responded with I totally passed out on you.



But now I'm thinking... ???? What the hell was that?



I just don't get it. Oh well, coffee is brewing and frankly I don't have time to worry about this silliness. And thus concludes my WTF wedding+drunk texting moment.

I drank too much. That is all....

Broiling a steak before I go to the wedding tonight. Am hoping for a quick nap too, but time is getting short... here is to hoping!

15+ pounds of potato salad done!



Half is a BBQ flavored and the other half is garlic/dill.



Whew.



Now to shower and head out to weenie fest with 1000 other daschunds. O.o



THEY BREED! *blink*

I'm making potato salad... Man I need to remember to cut onions with glasses on...



OUCH~

So much is going on! All good things, but man I'm feeling the "whirling dervish" all around.



One week left to purchase "Rude FreaK" shirts







I can't wait to see how they print (we're using a digital printer)! Otherwise, I have too many calls, too many places to contact and too little time.



Work, I'm going non-stop when I get there. Again, too many calls, too much work to do in the time I have. Slowly I'm starting to get out of the rut of the last few years. It's going to take a few more years granted, but it is happening.



I'm a bit nostalgic today as last year tomorrow I had to put Megan down. *sigh*



Ok time for me to get back to making phone calls etc. If you happen to want a shirt, message me and I'll get you details.



Are we really almost in July!?

Thank you Imagesinwords for reminding me I am NOT so very "alternative" in my thought process.



Although I'm using white vinegar to clean up my mess :P

Three days straight of yoga and I'm already feeling "more human". I need to remember this, as I'm still sleeping absurd hours, but at least I'm not feeling nearly as "ick" as I was before. That's the problem about taking a "day off" is that it easily turns into a month and from there you go down hill. Next week I start my "intense" work outs. I think I will be ready again.



Most importantly, I'm not feeling nearly as homicidal about all the bull that's been around. I'm actually feeling; not resolved, but ok with that certain people just aren't going to be around anymore. For that I'm actually grateful, I don't like the stress they add. I prefer good times with my friends, and not this to your face one thing, behind your back another.



Lastly, we're having a heat wave right now, and the pups have taken up on the couch- right at fan level where it "blows hardest" (I have the settings to vary)... and they are looking at me like... no work, we lounge today, k? ^.^



I go work, you lounge :P

two hours of hot yoga, massive heat tonight... soon to have a shower and then nini with fan...

Ugg, I had to give blood this am for life insurance. I can't stand giving blood, it literally makes me tense and agitated. The poor nurse kept asking if I was ok... yes I was... just get it done. *sigh*



But so far today is excellent day. I will attempt Yoga at noon, and then this afternoon I will go to a friend's to do some acupuncture and then hang with others that I haven't seen in 1.5 years. Should be an excellent day. Time for me to log off and get the carpet done. I'm tired of it smelling like dog pee :(

Are you convinced that eating health is expensive? Consider looking at this blog:



http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/100-days-on-a-budget/



A family of four went without any processed foods for $125 week. In some areas it is harder than others; when I moved for instance many of the items I loved and were staples were not available here, in the last few years, this has changed and I'm back to how I used to eat.



Seriously, read it, then start making some changes. Not as drastic, but small changes will go a long way.

I have a strange feeling sometimes, like that in a past life things went so well, that ever since then, I simply suffer because of the happiness.



Or that in the crucial moments, thing go horribly wrong for a time, and then back to my normal.



It's like living a movie sometimes. I can't help but wonder.

Took weenies for first time on leash in big crowds for relay for life ^.^ someone gave them a timbit (without sugar and I made him split it for them). Now they get caged for a while, and then we go home.

Funny how these things go.



Today our business cards, and banners for the ride showed up. YAY!



But I forgot my computer at work, so I had to go back to get it. Only to run into a client who is a friend of a mutual friend. Anyways she has a Viper and I want her to enter it in our "my bike is sexy" contest and egg on the bikers. She also knows many bikers, and offered to put up our posters in her clinics. Her husband is also looking to do some charity work so I gave her our sponsorship letter and said if you know anyone... and she said, "oh I'll give it to my husband..."



AWESOME. Even if they just bring in 10 riders... I'm Down with that! But I would have missed her if I hadn't forgotten my computer....



YAY. I feel the energy behind this, and it is GOOD. That is probably why people who feed off negativity are responding so badly. It's ok, we have a plan and we're gonna ROCK it hard :D

Now I'm offended. Really?



People amaze me with what they will take issue with, simply because they are throwing a tantrum and are unable/willing to see this.



However, to placate the issue and not create "drama war zone" I have to agree with the co-chair of this year's event. One sentence has been removed, as our intent was to honour family and friends this year. That stated, it is agreed that if in future this happens again publicly then said individual will be deleted and blocked.



To try to sabotage something that I alone worked with, is one thing. To do so when there are many more players who have been generous and helped us beyond what we right now can offer? Is purely selfish.



Don't get me wrong, I want to throw a tantrum too with how injust this is. With how wrong the behaviour is. But that will NOT serve the greater purpose. So I vent, and once I finish I will be calling more potential sponsors and keep this thing moving forward.



I am SO grateful for all the help we have received, for the hours of donations from our artist and from Morrigon. But after this? I will be keeping a few that I know "toe" the line, but the ones causing the stink? They will be removed without a second thought.



As I said to my co-chair, "this is the reason for 90% of ALL friction between Garry and I. I don't know why I'm surprised it would happen after he died, I guess I thought better. But he's dead, and now I don't have to take abuse to placate the situation. Now I can walk away with clear conscious, and understanding of just HOW these people not only held him back, but hindered his dreams. They will not do the same for me."



That is the awful truth that I can never say to them.



Because if they had private approached ANY of us, this would be different. The response would have been, "well, shit- we didn't mean it that way, and we certainly did not intend for it to come across in this manner." We are still doing that publicly, but the words in private with everyone are more in alignment with this rant. Key word: PRIVATE.



So many things I wish would could change. Sadly the past is done, and now we must go forward and hopefully break some of this horrid cycle. For everyone's sake.

Egon may have started out being the one that needed to be around people... but Winston typically doesn't leave my side. Normally it doesn't bother me, except when he tries to lick my face while typing or tries to type himself.



Egon, well he's typically on the deck sunning himself or he quietly goes to the other side for my attention.

You sir are a plain and simple troll.



No wonder our mutal friend wouldn't talk in details about what they had planned. I can only imagine how much your behavior hurt his feelings. Yet there were years between you, this is not the case.



It seems like I need to take a good shit and be done with it.

Sad truth that I can attest to.



Tattoos hurt more as you age. It bloody sucks. Not only that, it's harder for them to heal. Boo.

What an amazing day.



Today was Martha's surgery (we still haven't heard anything). But Facebook. Wow. What an amazing and powerful tool.



I would guess over a 100 people have flooded Martha's wall with pictures similar to mine. Some have made me laugh, and others have made me cry (our friend Jen just posted one with her Mom who is in chemo and her family). What an amazing expression of community.



The honor is mine to witness this, it is truly beautiful.



Oh and I finally remembered to Honor Bomb Joli again... heh I have more going to her too... perhaps you should help me ;)

Today Martha faces her surgery.



I'm at a loss, except that there needs to be more done. More awareness raised so people know how to prevent disease. Small things make a big difference, but the hard thing is getting people to see these things as a threat.



Not working out or moving= biggest threat of them all.



Over eating or a diet of processed foods = Fuel for the fire.



Not managing stress or sleeping well = a place for it to fester and grow.



These little things are so major, but people will make so many excuses. I need to really start writing.

And we have hats! WOOOO. Heh ^.^



Lordy it never stops.

10 hours again. Lord I think I need to drink more so my brain doesn't keep me going even when I'm sleeping.



Although last night honestly Winston and Egon were whiny "bitches". I think it was the humidity. Don't blame them there. But man, I have to get them a larger kennel. My little dogs are too big for it o.O



Woo-Hoo. My family is laughing over this, as my springer spaniels which are supposed to be 40lbs and under were 65-75lbs. o.o Yup I always choose the "big boned ones". Or as one friend has said, you choose the ones like you. Oi!

I'm not remembering my dreams. But they are not restful either.



Please, please, PLEASE let tonight be restful sleep.



I'm tired of waking as if I haven't slept.

Redefining.



It's an amazing tool. Tonight I caught up with someone who I once counted among my close friends. However with certain things, I'm just not in the same space, and the visit made it plain.



Don't get me wrong it was good to finally see her and catch up, but there is an element that I'm going back to many of the things I used to find important. That is the beauty of clearing your head by submerging it in something. You can't hold your breath and eventually it shifts how you look at things.



I don't miss the negativity of the last several years. This week was a good reminder of that, and why certain changes are happening. At the same point I must acknowledge why I "affectionately" call Garry douchebag. Because for all intense purposes he was one. That he was making changes, I will not deny- but there is no telling what he would have chosen to do. In the same aspect, some of the people he loved the most, he bitched about the most.



So why am I surprised that this is happening with an event in his name?



It is after all part of his legacy.



Perhaps in a few years the event will take on a life of it's own. I hope so. Because as much fun as I've had, and as much as I LOVE the challenge of creating something that I think does good in our community...



My life needs to go on.



I have goals I want to achieve. I'm working on those now. First I must start building my own business and website. Then I have to stay focused on what I'm looking to do. It's going to be a long hard route to travel, but I'm truly excited about it.

:D



We have another sponsor confirmed! YAY



:D

The error is so blatant I can't even express it other than to say:



Winston's name should be: I'm a big mama suck. If you look at another dog, shame on you for I'm suffering that you aren't paying attention to meeee!



Egon's name should be: Look at Winston! While you do that, I'm going to be over here causing mischief. By the time you notice, Winston will be making noise by my side and you'll blame him.



^.^ Never a dull moment with the weenies.

You can train over and over. You can accomplish much... but if you don't have this; you won't get anywhere.



I needed the reminder, of this, that I have known all along.

Green Tea Ice Cream Mochi = HAPPY ME! :D



And the day just DID get better!

It has not gone unnoticed by myself or committee members about the help promoting our fundraiser that Morrigon & Birra have done on facebook. I am exceedingly grateful for their help and support.



Right now my focus is getting us awesome prizes and more sponsors. Today Mike drove myself and my housemate along the poker route run. IT IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!



We're looking at extending it a little as in the car it took us 2:15 to drive, and that was with Mike's car over heating etc. Granted day of that is probably 2:45, but I really would like three hour ride. So we're looking at extending into some smaller roads by small lakes etc, and having a bit more scenery.



We are also looking at this because one part by the cliffs is a gravel road, and for inexperienced bikes this could be a safety hazard, so for them they will go straight. I AM SO EXCITED. I know that everyone even the ones causing issue now will like the basic of what we have.



Keep in mind, there is a lot of personal history happening in the background- much of which I was not a part of. More importantly, much of this is from mis-perception of the how/why of what we are doing. It will be resolved, as the people who are really not only my support, but also the ones helping me develop all of this (keep in mind, with out them I would not have done this; because I would have failed). To the outside eye, I'm the newbie to the group, the one that knew him the least and they are being told I'm doing this "all for me". I'm not. However attacking me, is making it so that my support is pulling ranks and about to get very verbal if the attacks become inappropriate.



Simply because, if it hinders our run, they will not be happy. We as a committee knew we could not "count" on Garry's friends. That day has come where we focus on the public and helping our COMMUNITY in his name. We are doing that and making great strides forward.



The ride today, made me so glad. Because if I'm "ooohing and ahhhing" in a car, I know the bikes will love it. I also have ideas now for a bicycle event for next year. SO excited about including them too. I really feel great things are going to come from this... and that is awesome.



But I also need to be clear, I see myself involved for only a few years. Then after that it will be bigger than me, and will go to someone else. The irony in this?



The very people who are causing issue with what I'm doing... wanted to open the "Woods Foundation" in Garry and his Mom's name. Hindering me and my efforts; well that simply ruins your chance of doing this- because a foundation like that would need fundraisers. And right now, what I'm doing could go to something exactly along the lines of what they were looking for. Which means when I want to step down- they could step in...



But that is why I'm stepping away. I am tired of playing small. So was Garry. Go big or go home. Well I don't know how big we will be, but we're putting the structure there to do just that. :)



And that makes me glad, because he wanted to accomplish and inspire. I was listening.

I'm uncomfortable with 30-50 people MAX having an issue with me? And in truth that number may be closer to 3-5 people, but it seems like more.



Lord, with the plans I want to achieve in the next 5 years- I have to toughen up. I have to remember why I do things.



I know I can unwillingly step on toes, and am totally seeing where I'm doing that now. But unrelated to this event, I have other goals. Ones where I AM the focus.



How the hell am I going to achieve those goals if I'm getting bent out of shape with this? It is and has been my greatest fear.



It is why I left the theatre, and why when given many opportunities that other actively wanted and I just stumbled upon; I turned them down. Now for me to do what I want, I have to acknowledge the real possibility that I could gain more attention.



I have to get over this fear of "standing out", especially since I know I do no matter what.



And I have to shut my brain off so I can sleep.



*vicious cycle about to start...

Great news :D



Martha's other biopsy's have all come back clear. PLUS if the type of cancer proves to be a specific kind... she won't have to have chemo!



Good things all around!

Now I need to start concentrating on phase two... My acupuncture site.



O.o



Lord, I hate talking about me. But my old site while nice- is exceedingly out dated. BAH. But I have awesome photos for it ^.^

Some things have become clear to me today.



I'm grateful for the insight, simply because it is a VALID reason. Not that the other aspect wasn't valid, but it wasn't the real reason.



Part of this issue is the polarity. I should have seen it coming, but as with everything there is an opposite side. This one is valid because it is correct- we are 'merchandising' our friend. Yet the irony is that it is with items THEY wanted. But to them it is like "Christmas commercialization" because they are not the only target of this.



I get it, I truly do.



However from my end- You asked me for specific things. You told me specific numbers. I have done what I can to make those numbers become a reality.



What you wanted, would not be possible- simply because what you wanted required sponsors. You understood this and wanted this. But now you don't? I'm sorry, but the economy is bad enough that unless you can give a good return- prizes and sponsors will not be easy to come by.



This is why I went to work on a plan that would achieve all that you wanted. But that means, we also pull in the public. Everyone else understood this. Sadly the perception was ruined by a few mistakes I made. Yet that is who I am, and I can't apologize for this- as it is me.



You didn't answer my texts, so I kept going the only way I understood. Yet now it is "my fault". Fair enough. It's a tough place of knowing exactly what is being asked, and in a way I'm grateful for this friction. It is creating the separation by giving you a true reason to dislike/hate me. I'm good with that... As it is something I can keep my head up over. Be thankful if we raise 1,000 or more...



But the old saying applies: one time, it happens. Two times, shame on you; three times shame on me. That was two. Time for me to do what I know was coming, and the chapter closes.



If for no other reason that those patients who can't afford treatment. That is the only validation I need, and truly the reason that pushes me to do this.

WHOO-HOO!



*Grateful*



That is all :)

It's well over due. I think it's time for me to start working on another profile update.

It's cool when you can get your perspective back.



I also have to say that I love that I am able to address the issues at hand and know that while I may not be 100% right, I am on the right path. I can only imagine how much/hard it is for people to have ideas (and good ones) and then have no ability to follow through. It is not something I'm used to.



I get an idea, then I work to try to implement it. Does it always work? Nope. Is it ever perfect? Never. Do I still try? Yes.



Most of the people causing issues get an idea, and then let it drop. Which is fine, I have tons of those too. But they aren't ideas that I really want. The ones that I determine I want, I will put my focus toward and make steps to being closer to them. Even if I don't "do that thing" I have learned along the way and actively know I'm closer to one day doing it, or shifting my focus to the next thing I choose to go after.



Life should not have to be linear. Yet I find myself often trying. Silly me.



Oh and stevia in my coffee... not a big fan :(

Footage was from Top Gear, the show that Garry was hoping to make a Canadian version of (with his own spin of course).







Funny how Drama = more pages hit in a day :P GO DRAMA YAY!!!

So I contacted my coach, and signed up for a lesser version of what I was doing before- but one that keeps her support and intent towards my growth there.



I talked with my co-worker also as we're hoping to go out on "our own" in the next two-three months (part of why I'm redesigning everything now-and doing more of my "own" business instead of letting the centre do it). I don't know when this will happen, but over all I have a certain peace with all this change, and upset.



It feels like I'm on the right path. And while it could be difficult, it is the RIGHT thing to do.



Or I could just be feeling the relief from the massive poop I did.



what?! I can't always be serious :P

Damn I'm a whiny bitch sometimes. O.o

I also should note that the best reminders are the ones you post before you need them. LOL to the fun in that.



Breath.



This too shall pass.

No I don't really want to know the reference. But I am sharing it because it reminds me.



Of all the horror of today.



Of all the pain of the past.



Of WHY it is all worth it.



Life.



What you may ask is the statement? What could possibly be that shining glimmer of light to help me find my even keel and center?



"Go big, or go home."



When the text came with those words, I heard someone else's voice saying just that. Perhaps that is what I am grieving the most. The seeming loss of connection.



The rest of this doesn't truly matter. What matters is we will be helping people in my community. We will be bettering their lives.



I'm emotional because my grief is ending. Making a purpose of this pain is healing the wound as best it can be. But I'm also compartmentalizing. I know that I am because now the past seems like a story I read. It couldn't possibly have happened to me. Eerie in how this description resembles something I heard from someone close to me many years ago.



Yet all of this, trudging up the pain is reminding me to honour what matters. For my friend I have to find colleagues in Washington to refer her to. Plus some of the benefits and things to look out for when looking at Acupuncture.



I hate that when I read she had cancer I cried. I've only done that once before.



But I'm getting there. I've done too much work not to. Amazing how once toxicity gets into us- what a powerful ability it has to tip the balance. Yet I'm taking note of who helps/hinders it.



It will be used in how I go forward in all things.

I am so over-emotional over this day it's dumb.



I know I shouldn't be. I know I should just let it slide.



But I'm not ok with it. I need to leave this negativity behind, today made it abundantly clear.



This is the same type of emotional feeling I got with the shit Garry put me through. EXACT SAME. Not ok. The more I think about it, the more I roller coaster. I need to just keep DOING. Being more and doing more to be WHO I am and want to be.



It's why I said no.



And at the same point I'm scared shitless for my dear friend *I've known her since I was 5* who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I fucking hate this disease. No understatement there.



I'm going to have to strap myself for cash. I need to keep the positivity in my life and I have to admit the coaching I was doing was keeping me focused AND grounded. Today was proof that I will not do this alone. But damn it if I don't miss bitching and venting to Garry.



Because he would have been the one I fully expressed every emotion of this to. And he'd let me. He would remind me of what I already knew, and then would encourage me to "fuck 'em" and do what I needed to do.



I guess what I'm trying to say is I hate that feeling of being alone. Irony is, I have always "felt" alone. Now I simply see what I partially took for granted, and what I partially simply didn't understand what a gift it was. I am grateful, but with emotions I can't help but feel sad in these moments.



They will soon pass I'm certain, and I will create new reasons to be grateful. Such as the amazing ability of those so far away to still express their friendship and love.



I remember what I had, but honour what I currently have.

I am done. Some things happened today that once more I am being the 'beating post' for one of the friends who while I am doing my best to give what they asked for, because it is not them- a scene is being made privately.



This is why I knew things would not work between us. This is why I said no.



You tell me you want to do something: I do it.

You say you want something: I try.



But this, this I do not do. Aside from here, I am making my thoughts private except with a trusted few. The one person in particular, I'm fully done with. I wish them nothing but the best, but their actions are only about them.



Yet they make what I'm doing- only about me. That is not the case. There is a committee. I am one of five, WE have made choices. WE have worked for this, and this is not about any of us.



It is about supporting the community and the clients that have cancer. I must remember this as they try to bring me down and hurt our over all efforts.



THIS IS ABOUT SUPPORTING PATIENTS WHO CAN'T AFFORD ASPECT OF THEIR CARE.



Garry happened to be one of them. He was granted parking and transportation monies with his illness. If nothing else, I hope to replenish the event by the amount he took from it. That I'm certain he would like.



The rest? Oh he'd love some of it, but not in his name. If he were alive it would be different. But he's not, and because of that and his not leaving a legacy we are trying to create one. And it won't be about how he would do it, because we are not him. How could we do something he would do?



But I have to stand by the aspect that I have four other committee members that WERE there when he was ill, that HE went to during his time of need: and they are the ones that are making this the WE.



I always knew there would be a passing of the ways. But damn if I didn't hope it wouldn't come to pass.



I simply wish better on people than they are willing to do for themselves.

It's been a really good few days. Although right now I'm a bit sad.



See the person who originally had the idea for the poker run is (I don't really know if it's upset/sad/left out...?) not happy with me regarding the poker run. They feel it is too much of a "production" than what he wanted to honor his friend.



I hate that.



It was his idea, he also originally told me he wouldn't have time based off of his needing to find work. So I took the idea to other friends, and we ran with it. Now he's feeling "left out" and like he can't contribute. One part of me wants to get angry with him and have him pull his head out of his ass. Reason being is this is why he isn't where he wants to be in life.



The other aspect feels really bad for him. I get it. Being scared by change. Not knowing where you are and who to trust. But the key point is, you have to keep doing or people end up doing to you. I truly hope he finds his way. I know moving here has been a major shift, and I hope he stops with excuses and really starts to live.



He deserves better. But I know he won't get it until he steps up and makes it happen.

So today I'm finishing the project I started two weeks ago. I am getting rid of all of my cd/dvd cases and putting all my disks into binders.



What's the advantage of this?



I've gone from a wall of Dvd's and Cd's down to 5 binders. It's amazing how much space it is saving me. Once I got started, I realized that there are very few items I truly want to keep. With my CD's I am keeping the art packs that most come with, IF I like them. I have a small box from Ikea I am putting them in. For the Dvd's, the only box set that really had anything of "interest" are the Lord of the Ring's Extended Trilogy.



The rest have gone to a local artist to either reuse, or recycle. All the cases have been put into recycling or curbside for people who want them. Over all it has cleared out more than 20 boxes of "stuff" and all of it now can fit into a box, and when I'm done it will be two boxes. It's a clearing feeling. Now I just have to do the rest of the house.



O.o good thing I don't have a time line. *whew*

I wonder why I am so "silly" tired today. Well not just today, it's been happening quite more than usual.



I think tonight will be an early night. Hopefully tomorrow I can get my floors done (vacuumed and then steam cleaned) I also hope that I have enough time to get some organization aspects in order before yoga. No matter what I'm going tomorrow. It's been over a month, and I'm hoping that I won't keep with this horrid malaise once I'm exercising.



Ok, my eyes are watering, so that is my que to put pups to bed and go myself. See you all on the flip side.

So this is the second week of my new schedule which is every week I work Saturday I'm off Tuesday (our business is always closed Sun/Mon), and the weeks I work Tues, I'm off Saturday.



This gives me a four day weekend every other week. I've also cut my hours in "half". I still have 20 patient hours a week, but I have two rooms to do this in.



I'm still averaging 35-40 clients in a week. Plus I'm not nearly as exhausted (well today I am, but poker run meeting went till 11pm last night). I'm able to do more around the house, and well... have a bit of me time.



Now I just need to get back into my exercise routine (exhaustion and poor scheduling is why I haven't maintained). Over all I'm looking forward to the fall. I'm loving my clients as they are the kind that work WITH me. And I think it's important to express gratitude with these milestones, no matter how small they are.

Minus the hairbrained HTML experience, today has been a very good day. :)



I really could enjoy life like this!

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK.



Really?! One fucking simple change and THAT happens. Shit. I'll have to fuck around more later.



Fuckety fuck fuck fuck. DAMNIT. Grrrr.

So my friend who just found out that she has breast cancer, informed us of what she is facing.



Breast cancer stage 2a. It is aggressive (8/9). In the next two weeks she will be facing surgery followed by chemo and possibly radiation. Once again, it is out of our hands and something that we can only pray and send positivity to.



There are so many should have, could have, would haves. I wish more attention went to prevention, instead of the disease. Yet, many people have a feeling of "if it isn't broke, don't fix yet."



Irony is these same people will take their car for an oil change, regular tun ups, etc and their car is not "broke". But when you try to get them to understand that the body requires this same treatment they pshaw your suggestion.



I'm beginning to believe more and more that our "healthcare" system is really a "sickness industry".

Really?!



GAH. I'm such a dumb@$$. Grrrr. That or things are just going to get more interesting from here.... o.O

FUCK YOU PHOTOSHOP.



*whew* That feels better. I've been trying to alter the size of a file. I'm in the right place... AND IT WILL NOT RESIZE.



*angry face*



This is the second day in a row, and it is really starting to make me beyond angry. :-(