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Stood up. Just figures.



So I went on a walk with the friend that set us up and told her why I wanted to go on a walk. No call when I got home- looks like another dud.



Not really surprising given my luck as of late. The sad part is I would have preferred anything but what happened simply because it reminds me of whatcha gone.

So I have another date tonight with guy a friend set me up with a while back. Her descriptor: "he's like a 6'3" Trent Reznor on roids."



She does not lie...



I'm thinking I'll take advantage of his Megan Fox obsession and see if he's up to see Transformers tonight.

Time to clean, do carpets and see if that can beak my funk.

So soon after the previous entry, I crashed... One of the sweet black sleeps- only to be interrupted by sunrise :-/



I too believe in happy drinking, or in memory of loved one (think of a wake- not weeks or even days of drinking).



When I woke I got the message that some of yous were Pervin muh bewbs. 10 hours of sleep just isn't enough sometimes lol

What won't you drink to Meeper?



Or you? Really we talk about why we have fun- but what would stop you?



(this random thought brought to you by fish n chips with ice cream and a sahahria in serious food coma reading journals)

Smoke and coffee. In a few I'll work out and then pack for the beach this afternoon.



What is so hard, is the silence. The only things I do outside of work are with those I work with and invite me, yoga or things I start. There is one person I'm giving time as his loneliness has him thinking "maybe" between us. He should have known given the nature of my friendship with Garry, and how he was so proud he could say, "Garry would never do that". That it means I too would never do that, especially in memory.



I do know what is real, and when he showed up at work my coworkers confirmed it. So to keep me from breaking him further as I would if pushed, I'm stepping to the sidelines.



So that leaves me with not a lot, and an opportunity to meet new people.



Sadly, this shows me more clearly how much we were in each others lives.



And I don't have a fix for that.

SHUT YOUR #$*(#&$#(&% mouth.



OMG we are a TREATMENT clinic not the fucking gym. If you come into my space yelling one more time I'm going to unleash on you to the point I will make you cry.



Don't fuck with my space or clients when I'm trying to help them, or so help me I will BREAK YOU.



/rant

While I wish this wasn't so hard.

I found a cd Garry burned for me... But I can't play it in my car :(



Oh well, at least I found it.



Today was a good day, overall I'm starting to have a more hopeful view. I don't know why this solstice hit so hard, but myself and many of the people I work with have been emotionally/physically exhausted. Here's to hoping I get some sleep.

Every so often you get a message where the person is being profound... and often times is ignorant of you- why you post what you do and what your situation is...



Today's was priceless (in response to my kismet):



"I belive Miracles Have to Be Maid"



Heh, will the maid also do my dishes and windows? Cause I don't want one if they won't. :P

I. Hate. Loose. Skin.



Uggggg after the weight I gained from the funeral to the wake (about 15-20 lbs) to the extra I'm loosing now... I am having to deal with hanging skin all over again >.<



It really isn't a big deal, the cleanse I'm doing for my bloodpressure should assist in this too- but damn it! When does it stop? I know I'm shifting again and to be patient... But after last year, excuse me if I feel entitled to some things to go more than ok- because I'm really having a hard time remembering. And the one person I could talk to all of this about...



Dammit.

You know it's a bad storm when your cat that never freaks over a storm, freaks.



:-/



Now he just needs to gain weight and I'll be happy (he's lost an unhealthy amount and rather quickly- so I'm worried). Here's to hoping it was just stress over Megans decline (please, please!)

So I've pretty much recovered from the night of walking at the relay. I'm still a bit surprised that I walked 25 miles overnight, but happily surprised that I'm not "pooched" from all the exercise.



Granted it has brought up so many emotions I'm having to find my "even keel" again. Add to that- my blood pressure once again has dropped to 90/50. :-/ I'm not pleased about this, but in reality I'm doing things right- so back to the cleanse I've done in past as it seems to help my pressure raise just enough that being low is healthy.



ok I'm off for home and food :D

I wish for you, everything you took from me. Only when you finally have it, I also wish you realize the damage/pain/suffering you knowingly and willingly inflicted on your friends.



I don't care if you find remorse or even sorrow or shame, I care that you see how your actions affect others in real and tangible ways. From there you will make or remove your own karma.

Oh and regarding crew... I will be coaching this year- only I will not have the lightweight women (I will most likely in future) but given the nature of last year, my physical/emotional exhaustion the head coach and I agreed that I will coach two evenings a week and weekends focusing on the varsity women (whole team) in small boats- and when season is fully in swing will transfer to JV's simply so I can enjoy what I love doing again.



We both left the meeting feeling that we have a win-win solution so that I can take time I know I need, but also so I can add to where I know the team is truly deficient and potentially put good structure in for future- so we do not repeat another year as hard as last.

Today I had a nice long conversation with someone who is finding soul searching happening due to a relationship/friendship because of the mirror presented by the other person. It really highlighted some of the interactions people do in the name of their ideals and how that actually causes more issues than if things are left alone. Still it doesn't make it easier but it also shows that real often is up to the individuals involved and their willingness to learn and grow with another while maintaining freedom to be an individual.



So difficult in this day and age of quick fixes.



No wonder so many people fail at relationships as the expect ease when at times there must be conflict to grow.



Still it was a great conversation, followed by one of the best yoga classes I've ever taken- so difficult but so rewarding. I'm going to have a shake and then do my other workout.



All and all a great day.

Today I do something I've been wanting to do- yet dreading.



Perhaps I won't do it, but I know it will not be the same as last year. I simply can't do another 12 weeks as I did last fall. No I won't have the stress of not knowing what is happening with Garry or the social upheaval- but I do have work, and I'm being called there more and more. So something has to give- and right now the only aspect that can is crew.



I truly am going to miss it- it has been a part of me for so damn long. But now it is holding me back from what I know I need to start doing. Perhaps I shall do some weekend coaching or some other bits- but as it stands now- I simply can't do what has been done in past. It will only make me more resentful and angry. Let's see what happens this afternoon :)

Finally got a good nights sleep... And I'm exhausted



:-/



I'm doing nothing today except some cleanup, I'll walk the street festival (downtown, did I mention I'm only 2 blocks from downtown?) and yoga.



Cats have food, I'll do some laundry... But no date as planned. I'm in a bad head space and just want more me time.

Approximate calories burned last night. I better keep eating :-/

So many people made the Relay for life a major success for me this year. Not just in donations but their words, their willingness to share... Not only does it touch me deeply it humbles me.



Thoughts of you, your story and your words kept me going for 100 laps (in a quarter mile track). I cannot tell you enough that I would not have done that without you.



I have slept a few hours and now will watch a movie then soak in Epsom salts as my legs hurt. Not on bad way, but there were times I didn't think I'd make it.



Next year I'm going for the marathon distance... Which would be 6 or seven more laps. Damn, I didn't even think about this.

I just realized I didn't put a link here to the donation site. There still is about six hours to donate-I'm only about 300 shy of making our goal, and if you're interested in pictures & donate, message me here and I'll make sure the photographer gets in touch with you.

Awake @ 1:30.



Shut my body off please. What's happening is I'm mid shift (anyone who has lost weight will understand) and now my body simply doesn't want to do thing normally. It will go back, but right now it's not :-/

Wow.



I'm emotionally exhausted. Really I'm wondering if workout #2 is a good idea :-/

DoucheHammer



CuntPunt



I think the world would be a better place with these as punishment.



Not to mention I would giggle lots at just the use of the words ;)

So much hate happening right now it is almost physically revolting.



To my facebook status' regarding the relay, a former co-worker who was let go- and has issues with my boss, choose to respond with "no" when I asked for coffee money. It was not done for any other reason than hurt and to hurt me.



Bottom line is, this is one of the people who was all about doing this fundraiser, and now- simply is angry and sees me as a target.



Still, today a good friend from Seattle sent me news that broke my heart. This past year and within four months- she lost her step-mother and father to cancer. My friends who also have lost loved ones have also commented... it is for them that I make a fool of myself and ask for the donations.



It is for them that eventually the side project will become a reality.



But for now- it is for them that my spirit shines.

I need to bitch.



A friend is really pissing me off. Simply because she's not thinking and is being offensive to myself and others who are hurting.



I called her husband to offer him Megans old dog bed- because the cats have peed on it- and it's just him and the dog who knew both Holmes and Megan so the smells wouldn't be off. She has a dog that never met Megan or Holmes and has three kids around. Not a great idea as he dog might try to mark the bed not knowing the other scents.



Ao what does she do the day after I put Megan down? Does shr message me privately? Nope- she posts to my wall: I hear you're giving away a dog bed!!! I can't get you on text.



Needless to say several people privately messaged me about it and I took it down. She still hasn't called or talked to me about Megan and I've been trying to get a hold of her since last week.



Moving on and back to raising money for cancer relay... Anyone here interested in donating for pervy shots?

Full swing on fundraising for Relay for Life...



Am excited as I had over 100 pictures taken in about 8 different outfits. Hopefully that is enough to entice some donations this year.



My friend here who is a cancer survivor donated her time to do the shoot- and since she's been complaining about not getting to use her camera much- it seemed to be a win-win situation.



Here's to hoping the pervs come out for the donations :)

So yesterday I did a photo shoot with the hopes of raising money for the cancer relay for life. Last year I did some shots with a friend but nothing like this year. Now I am not a model or a natural behind the camera- now add PVC boots that make me 6'5" when standing it was interesting.



I had meant to get started and do something months ago, but with everything that has been going on, I simply haven't had money or the funds (yes many charities that have bracelets etc, have you buy them out of pocket). Now I'm exhausted, and wondering if I should have even bothered. Hopefully that will resolve with more sleep.

Today is the first day since august 1995 that I have not had to get up and let a dog out.

While I'm thinking about it, my picture on facebook was the last photo I took of Megan on what she chose as her gravesite. The difference of the energy from the first photo I took this am in my kitchen to that last one- should put any doubt to rest that I was acting on what she wanted.



Still won't change that I'm going to miss her enormously.

It's done. Was a beautiful sunny day. She chose where she wanted to be- so no oak. Instead I'm going to try to find an ornamental weeping cherry.



Rest, food and just quiet I think for the rest of the day.

It is time.



We leave shortly. I'm bringing Holmes' favorite bear to leave with her. And in a few weeks we will plant oak saplings that a friend has growing in her garden.



I'm going to clean and see this afternoon as I'm realizing how long I've just been "waiting". And now I'm pushed into action.



Normal for how much has been going on, but time to rejoin the living

So Megan and I ate all the remaining animal crackers last night.. She was a bit greedy lol. A friend yesterday came over to say goodbye, and I woke to another friend at the door on her way to work, wanting those last few pets.



Last night while I sat petting her, she kept looking over my right shoulder. At first I thought it was the cookies, but she continued to do so after I moved them.



She is seeing those waiting for her.



When I wake her each morning, there is a moment of pain that turns to sadness that is unmistakeable . .. still I wish it could be different.

I know it's right, I just hate that I have to put her down.



I DON'T WANT TO.



*sigh*



So instead I'm giving her hamburger tonight.

=whine



I don't wanna do my second workout today. I wanna sleep. I wanna watch movie....



I want a bubble bath. /whine



K time to move it then have bubble bath followed by movie... There found my motivation. *sigh*

There is simply so much happening right now.



At work a friend is going through serious relationship issues.



A friend in California is going to loose her niece to a serious head trauma that happened this last week (she's seven).



If all goes as planned Megan will leave me on Monday.



And yet I can't help but feel loved and relieved for all that has happened. I know there still is more to come, but right now- it is as it should be. That I can tell.

It is amazing how people when they are jealous or are not getting their way will be exceedingly destructive to those they have as friends.



That I now know what and how things were said, I am sorry for the continued hurt you have caused. I have put forth what I can so the full perspective can in time be seen and hopefully those hurt the most by your words can heal.



That is what and why I kept "obsessing" as you so "kindly" put. I saw there was more to the picture, and more over could feel the gentle asking of my spirit to correct what was done.



Suffering to the likes of what you've caused are simply uncalled for. And now my part is done.



I wish you all the best, but must leave you with the mantra I started using two years ago:



I release you in love

I release you in compassion

I release you in understanding.



Namaste

I am so grateful for this past weekend.



I was seriously getting antsy to get up to Charlie's grave. When I planted that fern it seemed to just release the "SOMETHING NOW" where I was like "What something, what am I missing, OMG what do I need to do???"



Gone... yay it is a huge relief. And a bigger relief was that our friend is the one that paid for gas. Megan bit me this morning. She's fighting so damn hard to stay here... and I'm waiting for the sign. But when I get it, I may not be able to put her down as I won't have the money.



Fuck I hate this situation. I get so close to getting out of it and then it rinses and repeats. I see where I have everything put into place- I just need the government to FOLLOW it's OWN RULES and then this will completely end. So close... I can see and taste it...



NOW DAMN IT



LOL yup I'm excited to be moving forward. Can y'all tell??? :)

Something to know about me... I love puzzles. They are a compulsion really. Look at what I do- take a health complaint then I try to figure out the pattern so a person gets well.



I am exceedingly good at what I do. I sometimes see patterns others don't. But it shouldn't surprise people that when faced with double standards or reactions that don't fit- I will pick it apart until I see where things are.



I see much more clearly now. And frankly, you aren't worth my time. Don't even try the loyalty bit, it is being loyal to ME to walk away from those that stab you in the back.



Enough said.

I've been getting ready for Relay for Life this year which is June 17. Since they cancelled the fundraiser for Charlie's birthday it is the only one I will be doing this year.



This time I'm giving it a week and a half of heavy "asking" simply because I am still so fatigued.



Sunday a friend who had caused issue between Charlie and I wanted to go to his home town to see another friend up there.



Back story- over a year ago Charlie and I had long discussions about how she should not be focusing on him when she so obviously had an attachment to the other friend. Well it got back to me that Charlie said something to her when he was in the hospital. And I knew that it probably was truth as it would be just like him to take something he gave the counter point against- and then use it to the person. LOL tard... but anyways I knew that she needed to be there for his friend if they are to even have a CHANCE at moving forward.



So I drove her up there. While she spent the afternoon with him I went to a conservation area that Charlie had told me about and wondered the woods for several hours. It almost felt like I was taking a tour as little thoughts here and there would spring forth. I also had an urge to bring something back to his grave.



So when I found the baby fern growing on the rock in a pile of moss- I took the moss and the fern to head over to where Charlie was laid to rest. Only I couldn't find the grave. Right as I was about to give up- his friend and my girlfriend rode right into the cemetery.



I KNEW I was in the right section, but I simply couldn't find him. She did find him- so I was able to plant that fern. With all the plants he tried to grow- it just seemed appropriate to do. Never mind how many rules I broke to get it done. This is a case of if he can't get to the area... I'll bring the area to him bit by bit. But it's going to be up to him to make sure that fern grows- as I can't get there to make sure it does.



Then another friend posted something in facebook that honestly was a case of, "stop pointing because when you do you have three fingers pointing right back at you."



Hopefully she realizes this- as I don't have the energy to help except where I am called to anymore. They all viewed him as "the glue" yet ironically I don't think he was. He was the common friend- and it is normal in a group for some to like others more than the rest. So why try to keep the "group" together if we don't want to be.



Life is fluid- we don't really keep to one place or one group of people. My thoughts, be the best person you can be and let the ball keep on rollin'

Imagesinwords had a good point in her journal the other day- about how some people think they know you by the journal. 



Sorry to disappoint, but what you get here are my internalized thoughts- one I am working on, and typically don't share very openly.  It is why Charlie was named as such- because this place is about me and I choose to use it as a method of growth.



Which means what I write today may not be true tomorrow or at times immediately after. But in that moment is a part of my truth- yet still you are not able to see my mundane actions, the jokes, laughter and many other aspects that I do have.



See there is an element that when we hurt we feel we must hide from it. I am not doing that here.  This is where I face me. But I don't put all the pieces here- this is where the thought starts.



Now that isn't to say those that know me well won't be able to read between the lines.  But I already trust them- so they had the pieces prior. 



Nor am I the sun of facebook- there I try to keep it light and fun with smaller glimpses- simply because that is so public, and my mom is there. Granted she only needs to see a word and she'll know what's going on.



None of us can be summed up by just our words and what we present to the world. Take my relationship with Charlie- it was over text, email, phone and then in person.  I was in constant contact with that man for over two years.  By constant I mean rarely did we not talk- even on vacations there were emails or silly things being shared. 



To the group, they knew we hung out a bit and saw what we were fighting ourselves on- but they didn't see the rest. Hell even I didn't see it all- it is why when little things like he saved the letters and cards I wrote- it is why it had a greater impact on me emotionally.



That I miss him is an understatement- I ache for him.



But I must keep revisiting my pain if I am to heal it. And that is why I write about it- I don't want this grief to consume me so it must have an outlet- and he was the only one I trusted in person with this element of my person. So that leaves me journaling, about what  I want and where I want to go.



Side note: case and point, I wrote far more here that really hit on the heart of the matter- yet when I went for a kleenex, I hit a key by accident and several paragraphs went *poof*



I will not re-write them as they were for me. To put the truth out and then from there learn to live without. Besides, I know of several creepers to this journal- some welcome, others not. 



I should clarify the ones that are not welcome are the ones that actively worked against my friendship with Charlie- yet really it does nothing for them to read on what hurts me or that I miss- because in truth it reminds them of what they didn't have, and in many ways I hope they find it.  And that when they do- they realize it before it is taken from them.  Perhaps then they will learn some compassion for others.



But I doubt it- which is why I really don't care.  Their greatness always comes at the expense of others. And I really want no part of that.



For we all have great potential- but we simply have to be daring to listen to our own song/path.

I will laugh today- I need to remember more that what I'm feeling.



I need to experience and breath.



Sometimes the simple things are the hardest.

Screaming raccoons have been going off/ on again for the last 3 hours. Now my anxiety won't let me fall back to sleep. I want to have someone shoot them.  But they aren't the reason I'm not falling asleep.



I know what today is.



I never understood how people would do that- mark a day.  It's not how I've ever lived my life. Even with my grandparents who I dearly love- I never did it.  Yet I can't stop this compulsion.



I may have talked about this before- but it is really hitting me hard this week. You kept all the letters I wrote you. I didn't even do that- some of them I deleted simply because you made me so angry, and I needed to be done with you.



I wish I would have allowed myself a moment to look through them to see which ones you had- but in truth there were many there I didn't remember and at the time I couldn't bring myself to look at them in front of others. That and I couldn't tell your sister no when she asked to keep them. Funny this happened in February and I'm just now really seeing what it meant.



Yet somehow I believed you and the others... Then why? If that was true, why did you keep them? Because it was the lie you told yourself. I know why and a part of me simply loves you more for wanting to prove yourself, to accomplish something, and to be who you were meant to be.



Hell I encouraged it.



We both thought there would be more time. Which is why I think it is hitting me so hard that you kept all my letters, notes and cards. A part of me wants to contact your sister simply to read them. As I don't remember them all, and I'm now curious.

I hate it when I fuck up like this. *Sigh*



Oh well, small step back... time to make some more forward.