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Minor good news:



The chemo seems "mild" enough that I can drive myself to treatments.



Plus the one I'm really excited about, my hemoglobin went up .1 on it's own! Yay! We might finally have the underlying condition being treated.

I'm having a bit of a time realizing that if treatment tomorrow doesn't start slowing down the cancer, with the level of progression, I'm down to maybe Christmas- but most likely way sooner.



It's tough knowing you're sick, but then to start experiencing the body dying- that's a whole different ball game. What's harder is trying to be able to do things that I love doing- but being unable to.



Here's to hoping that this treatment slows the fucker down.

My ct found several pulmonary embolisms today. So a four hour day turned into 10 hours at the Dr. I need to sleep because I didn't get more than five hours last night, and with this marathon day- I'm pretty certain I need to just sleep to feel better.



It seems the disease is spreading faster than expected and so I start new chemo thurs. I'm so not good at being sick.

I crashed hard yesterday. Feeling ok, but in a lot of pain today.



We went to the worlds tallest water slide on Thursday, Friday I had an iron transfusion and then we went to dinner and a movie. Saturday was a busy day at work- 28 patients.... And that was all she wrote. So I'm taking it easy yesterday and today. We will have to watch some movies and then dinner with my cousins again.



Tomorrow I find out how much this beast is taking over, and if I qualify for the study.

So excited my friends from Canada will be here any minute! It's going to be great fun.



Today I followed up with the study Md- and apparently this study has had zero success so far :-/



I'm praying that the protein immuno study opens for me in August. Plus my Blood was still not quite high enough- 8.8, and I needed 9. I'm hoping the iron transfusion at the end of the week changes that. Not just for this study, but because I'm starting to have a lot more energy with it.



Apparently that I was at 8.8 was good because with some chemo patients even with a transfusion the body just goes through the blood and doesn't change the rates. That mine improved so much show my body does want to improve- so another week of waiting.



Askin for positivity towards this protein study/ or that another immuno study comes up.

10 days ago was the start of my 10 year bat.



Things have changed, and they have not changed over the years. I'm so very grateful the friends I've met here- and for the doubters- yup we all still hang out as much as we can. Cases of awesomeness of the Internet.



This journal has seen my hope for change, moving to a foreign country, then having things not go well. Still I was able to find success, love, even though it wasn't in a manner I expected. It's also seen my weight loss, empowerment and currently my illness.



Here is to another 10 years ;)

Had a temperature of 100.4 last night. Happened after I fell asleep on the couch and didn't turn up the air. Thankfully when I woke it was back to 98.6.



Getting a temperature can be life threatening with cancer. It's crazy that anything higher than 100.2 and I'm supposed to go to the ER. I didn't only because I knew it was from the brutally long day of the transfusion 10+ hour day, and yesterday I worked 6 hours and didn't eat as well as I should have. Again, you don't realize how hard doing everything is, until you simply can't do it.



Today is movie, do a little house work to prep for guests, and sleep on the couch day. It will be great. But first- I'm making waffles!

Going on three and half hours waiting for my blood transfusion. Found out I also have to get an iron transfusion.



And we are back in the world of way too many appointments..

In 2003 I took a road trip across the U.S. in my mom's van, just me and my two springer spaniels. I'm so glad it did that trip, but more glad that it was then and not now. See, we lived out of the van on even the hottest summer days. Now I had the van set up so if I were shopping, the engine was running with the AC on full for the dogs. At no point, except when returning from hikes in the Rocky Mountains did my pups even over heat. On the hikes, well they ran around like dogs.



Apparently a woman with in NY was arrested for animal cruelty for leaving her dogs in the car- with the AC running. Disgusting when a law put into place is used in such a negligent manner. Our overseeing society that so quickly judges is truly getting out of control.

Did ok today considering I was so busy yesterday. I ended up having a wonderful brunch with my cousins, and we did some fabric shopping. Sadly once I got home, I crashed.



Now I'm reheating the end of some left overs and am ready for a movie and bed. But first, a weenie walk :)

29 patients today. I'm absolutely exhausted, but pleased I finished even with the Charlie horse in my leg (I walk with a limp because of it). Now I'm in pain and reheating some left overs for a nice snack.



It will be an early to bed night

I'm a bit emotional today. Not only have the ladies I rowed with been so very supportive of me with my cancer, we are trying to get a reunion going in our college town. I have to wait till I know my treatment schedule, but I'm so looking forward to this.



Today I had massive poop- yay! But it's hard because the days I have them, I feel better in the long run- but after I'm zapped of energy. This week I have to get more done- thank god my friend is almost here (any second she should walk up) I need the help.



I hate being this weak- and hopefully between her visit and my friends from Ontario at the end of the month I can get a better working spread. Slow and steady wins the race.



So each day, a little more.



Just remember love each other and say it. You never know the kind of day someone is going to have because of your positivity. Ripple effect it my friends, make waves no matter how insignificant they seem at the time.

And today I slept. Such is my daily teeter-totter

I'm rather proud of myself today. I didn't nap much and I completed 5 loads of laundry and washed the pups and did their nails. Love days where I almost am me.

I can't tell you why I cry. Moments pass where my entire reality is pain. These will transfer to memories of those I loved and who have passed. Time keeps pressing and then I imagine those who I will leave behind and how much more I could do. Then it passes and I'm left struggling with this damnable fatigue that polluted every moment if I don't push to do something.



It's like I need a babysitter just to get things done.

Yay I pooped! Maybe that's why I'm feeling like writing a journal entry. This last month has been a bunch of catch up and dealing with stupid things with the business, and treatment which at the end of the day- leaves me exhausted.



Fast update- did a month of the highly restrictive diet/supplements to see if it would help. It did not, in fact my cancer doubled. I didn't start chemo as planned because there is a trial here that is identical to my chemo, but has LESS side effects. So- I will start this, if my test comes back negative.



Test negative? There is another trial where they train my immune system to attack a protein in my tumor. Ah, now you see, I have to have the protein to qualify. So that is the big challenge- to see if I can do this one. Hopefully I know by this next week- as I hate the idea of spreading cancer in my system. But at the same point, if I would have started the chemo they wanted, I would have to wait another three weeks past next week prior to being able to switch.



Plus this allows my hair to start to grow back. I'm also excited as I have two groups of friends coming to visit for July- and I'm so happy I'll get to see them.



Crazy as it sounds, my mom and I are putting a bid on a house here (will be a great family investment to help me when I can't work). And over all I'm feeling good, except I simply have no idea how I'm going to beat cancer.



Regardless, I have two plans in order- and either way, I feel great about it.