The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

You know you're not paying full attention when you read a rating as:



"pissing through"



I need focus, or a drink... or...

Really?



Not even reviewed?



And you've had it since May.... *sigh*

I'm somewhere between here and there.



Thinking of then and now.



Wearing a new skirt with a ring I bought when I was 14.



So many people wanting to pull me in so many directions- but it is the wind... the gentle breeze that is calling me, the water and the trees.



Possibility, but none have any colour or texture.



That lump in my throat must be fear, of the unknown. An aspect I've never given much thought to. A gentle reminder of what was once dreamed.



Spirit seems restless while doing nothing but watching another marathon of Sex in the city.



Then the excitement of change, the desire to go out and DO...



Followed by the let down of doubt, fatigue and malaise.



This is not something I want, nor do I need it. It is something that I went through before I moved from Seattle. And so I watch, ever attentive for the signs- how they link, who is trying to manipulate them, and which are real.



I want to fucking fly...

Whenever I see Morri's avatar, I swear I can see her breath.

Sometimes it simply is not a good idea to talk to family about plans.



Nothing is worse than the, "you have so many ideas and none seem to work out. When are you getting a real job." bullshit.



Hung up on her last night and am still seething.



Fact of the matter is- if I had KEPT my inheritance I would be OK now. But this holding on and being a martyr I'm done with. Now I have a week of this bullshit and frankly I wish I could just tell them all to fuck themselves and keep that where it is.



I don't really want to- but man, talk about kicking a person when they are down.

So the move is definitely in my future. No doubt or question about it. Too many signs have already happened.



However.



Between now and then (which in Ann time is sometimes years)... I am going to talk to my boss here about changing my approach to acupuncture. I want to set up a community clinic. Which means working on up to 6-8 people at the same time at a sliding scale rate of 20-50 per session. Clients determine how long needles stay in, they come when they want and well... it is more of what I've wanted to do for quite some time.



Don't get me wrong. I still LOVE working on individuals, but not everyone is complex nor does every treatment require one on one. By changing my work to 3 days of community, 2 days of private session I should be able to increase the amount of people I see at a rate that they can pay.



For me it seems like a win-win as people who can't afford me now can, and those who can still can see me in the standard manner that I've treated them in past. Now it is working on the logistics of how to set this up- purchasing the chairs to do it in, and then... seeing how it goes.



I am quite a bit overwhelmed with change right now, and just a wee bit sad- but it feels RIGHT- down to the core, and it addresses what I've hated about my treatments in past. Best part is- I think my boss will be behind me 100%.



Time to take that blind step and ....

Stood up again today.



I will say in his defence; that his ex has been taking advantage of him since they broke up by using the kids as "pawns" of control.



That said- if he thinks I'm putting up with this- WRONG.



Next.

I'm having a day where I'm wondering when it will stop.



I just want to be somewhere and have normalcy for a while.

I know what to do.



But I find it far scarier than the move from Seattle to here. Just as much to do for it, and in some ways far more difficult.



That stated, I've put it out the first I must rectify the issues here, and get on my feet. If the paperwork needed comes through and it comes into place rather easily- I will go no questions asked.



I know that is asking a lot for something the signs are pointing towards. Yet I have come too far to not ask for what I need, even if the end result is what I wanted 6 years ago. Still the emotional toll on me will be great, and it is why I can only talk to certain people about it.



Unlike my move from Seattle where I had put out what was happening from the get go- this is far more private and spiritual for me. Which is why my mother is not giving me resistance.



Perhaps that is why this scares me more than anything else.

So I often have a hard time explaining how my dreams relate to reality. This week I have a great way of how the metaphor translates into what happens.



The Dream: I was at the cemetery and Garry's spirit took physical form and left with me as a wolf. When I went to where everyone was gathered, it was important that they all know it was him. When I told them, they didn't believe- but as they expressed doubt, the wolf knocked me to my hands and knees, took my pony tail in his mouth and then dry humped my back. Then let go with a grin and danced away.



I was so mortified, I chased the wolf around the yard and as I was doing so someone said, "yup that's Garry."



What happened: I made a top and skirt made out of fabric Garry had owned, that his friends thought I should have. The outfit was one that I took care of to make for the memorial ride. We all went to the cemetery and then proceeded to one of Garry's friend's house for a BBQ.



When we got there we had to set up a fire pit for the night. Which was done through an old truck rim with slate slabs put under it. I was helping the boys move the slate since I was the only non-injured of the group... and as I was setting the slab down *RIPPPP*



O.O



The ONLY seam that was NOT a french seam ripped just on the seam, right below the zipper- right on my ass.



Good thing: I was wearing panties.

Bad thing: I was bending towards the neighbors, and the panties- a black lace thong.



:-/



I didn't realize the correlation until later when everyone had gone to sleep. I told my friend who was sleeping next to me, "Remember the dream I told you? It happened with the skirt."



She paused, looked at me then started giggling. Then she said, "Wolf in sheep's clothing." THEN she started laughing, "Wolf in sheep's clothing is: camouflage!" I almost died because the fabric, was an urban camo print.



Don't worry, I am laughing through the mortification. But I can't help to think, "Douche bag, mother-fucker... did you HAVE to have that one come true?" *sigh*

I found a lump about a week ago. Given the timing of it, it is most likely hormonal. But with all the things going on, and loosing yet another client- I can't help but raise an eyebrow and go, "really? F*ck off"



Tomorrow is the memorial ride for Garry- I've finished the outfit I made of some fabric I was given from his things. I'm not certain what I think or feel right now- but I'm sure it will be ok....

So my client that had a tumour like Garry's passed this last week. I knew that was going to happen- it doesn't make it any less sad/hard.

Really today is a day I just can't seem to win. Time to pack up and head home.

I can't even express how frustrating things are with having a broken phone, and computer.



Today I went to get something down stairs only to find one more thing had broken. Really, I'm ready for a break. With all that has happened, I just don't know. Scrapper is not loosing weight but he's not gaining either- I'm really concerned.



Not going to the vet because with his history of renal failure, if his kidneys are shutting down there is nothing they can do but put him down. Honestly if it is that, when he gets to be in pain I will take him in- but right now he's totally normal- just skinny as all heck. But it hasn't been a month yet that Megan's been gone.



I'm hoping to get my phone fixed soon- but with my work permit and everything else- I'm really wondering if I should cancel my trip as financially- it is going to make things far worse than they already are. Really sucks, but I have to start getting a head.



I was RIGHT THERE- and then June hit and now it's been the worst that I've seen since after my first year here. I think I need the code put back on my web page as I'm not even first page of google if my city with acupuncture it typed in- and I used to be in the top three. Just goes to show how important one line of code can be.



But the resession is hitting this area really hard right now. So I can't discount that. I'm just wanting something I can DO about it instead of everything that isn't changing.



Yet I'm not ready for a fully clear head either.

Bah.



Back to work with me.

Mucho love to "The Hand".



I can't think of a more appropriate descriptor for such an awesome person :)

I didn't write about what day it was on the second, simply because since then there has been nothing else as forefront on my mind. Signs have been happening, and on Monday night I had what is probably the worse spiritual attack I've had since I was a child.



It seems I must continue to walk in both worlds.



Right now I'm very bitter about this. I don't want it.



Yet the compromise I could take, and be content with would not lead to happiness either. I will not trade freedom for a gilded cage. Although many are encouraging me to be "happy enough". I know what I saw as a child- I know what has happened and what should have.



Which means I know what I will not be/have or go to. Hearing what I want so late, or after the fact... just has me angry.



Because it changes nothing.

Isn't that grand.



I broke my phone this am. Yep I found yet another way to break the glass... :-/



Which means no internet until I get a working computer.



I will get past this. But the absurdity of it all is astounding. Really, when can I be DONE with this?