The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I don't know if it is a facebook glitch, but several people that did no know Charlie and infact are clients of mine were invited to his wake. :-/ I am not happy about this. I can understand how several vr members ended up invited since they are also fb friends of myself and some of Charlies other friends here... But clients... It simply is not cool. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.

Ok for work and my web site I have to start writing blogs. I have many ideas, but my focus doesn't really "stick" because unless I'm answering a question someone else wants to know about, I find it "dry" work. Honestly I feel more like used car salesman.



So I ask you- is there anything you want to know about alternative medicine, herbs, diet or nutrition I can answer?



Really- I need a muse...

I don't ever recall being this tired. I got up after 8+ hrs of sleep, only to lay down on the couch because going down stairs winded me.



I do not like feeling this weak. :-/

Why? Because it is pathetic, and honestly far more fun for me to watch you squirm. Add to the mix the entire concept of rules and well frankly my ass isn't small..



You get the idea, suffer.



"HEY SUSPEND ME.. I KNOW U LL NEED A RESON.. M INSULTNG U.. FUCK U.. COZ I LOVE UR SMALL ASS.. HUH "

Let's take a quick walk down memory lane...



Imagesinwords, myself and several other members here have done entries based off this simple concept time and time again:



Responsibility



Time to wake up and own some, or go grovel further into your shame. The bottom line is that booze, people or any external stimulus cannot force You to do anything. Only you control your actions. Even if it was having one too many drinks- you need to own that. That people feel the need to make things into something that goes beyond this is childish.



Simply say, my bad move on and have a laugh at your expense.



After all every so often a rating that I did years ago when drunken rating to reach sire will resurface.



o.O



Now that's a gift that keeps on giving! LMAO

Now that I'm home and laying on my couch- there isn't a part of me that doesn't hurt :-/



I think tonight is going to be an early night...

Today I had a long nap before my evening of clients, and while I could do hot yoga, I think a dvd and bed are in order for the night. Perhaps an Epsom salt bath to soak… we’ll see.



Last night I didn’t sleep well. One of my mentors from school has been battling cancer for 11 years. On the 25th she lost that battle. It seems her and Charlie were energetically present in the night. Not in a, “oh look there is a ghost” but more the manner that it feels like that person is in the room with you. While not disturbing, typically I would find them both comforting presences, last night it lead to me being rather restless.



Hopefully tonight there is less tossing and more drool. Side note: saw a web cam that makes me want to gauge my eyes out… and was told today is the first day that I “look sad”.

Really after a year you STILL don't get that 90 is not the same as 75 is not the same as 60 or 45?



Stop giving me 60 for follow up that only take 45, and 60 for new patients where I require 90... *wanders off to sleep this off*

So one of my gay bf's came over today- we shot the breeze and smoked close to a half a pack of cigarettes while drinking coffee. After he left I felt the urge to finally get to hot yoga. Now I'm laying here feeling like toxicity on fleece but better overall. Granted I typically do not smoke, but when stressed I will simply because it is old pleasure from youth. Now I'm almost to the point where I will be active enough again that it will bother me to even smell it. Lordy what a few months I've had...

I feel the need to gloat and rant... all in one. LOL yes I am that all over the place these days.



The gloating comes at the expense of those that pushed Charlie away. Seems like losing him has been a "wake up" call for them to not put things off and do things as they should be done. Whatever. Seriously I'm tired of the lip service from this group.



To the point that I've found it humorous that not just myself but at least 3 other people I'm friends with will be using this as their "exit" from there persons. It is sad really, that these realizations come too late. Yet in truth I don't expect them to have any staying power in what they say they will do. These are the same people that talk down to my person and actively mock my situation. Which is better than theirs- and give I'm in a different country as an immigrant, will continue to improve. Still I do pity the aspect that what they have now is as good as it will get for them.



Secondly my rant to those here that assume my comments regarding the social circles I deal with in my real time. What on earth makes you think that my experience here on VR is negative? Really? Obviously you have not been following my journal, you have not taken any effort to talk to me, and more importantly those you have spoken to about my person do not talk to me either.



*shrugs*



Life is more than just a web site. Those that I trust have heard much of my issues in person, in private messages or on the phone. They have had strong opinions of what I've been through, and I've appreciated their support even when they have disagreed with my reasoning. At the same point, it hit me how much Charlie did not share with people, and how QUICK they are to assume the worst.



Knowing that I never overstepped the bounds, yet the issues that were brought forth were not just by me, but by him. I find it rather ironic and funny. Still it is how life goes. At least I have no regrets, I did as I was able to, I held my truth when given the opportunity and took the growth and pain it involved willingly and consciously. How many can say they did the same?



Exactly. So try to make me feel bad again, you will find that I'm not very open to your thoughts or opinions any more as the pieces are falling into place quite nicely.

So Morri said somewhere out there, there is a person who LIKES to be constipated to the point they get the runs. I have to disagree.



Granted the joy of no longer being constipated does not constitute "liking"...



What say you?

You know I really get tired at times to people being assholes about what they think is sappy and/or disagree with. There are times where I simply want my mind to wonder and not have bullshit or wit thrown my way. I know I'm a tad all over the place, but I'm just tired of insinuating drug use "cause everyone does it"... well I fucking don't. I used to, haven't in years and really have no desire to.



Just because it is the norm for people does not make it a norm for me. Yes I realize this is like fighting over dishes not being cleaned, but over all I'm tired of it. I'm tired that every time I want to do a certain type of thought, several of my male friends think it's the time for their cynical bullshit.



Here is my cyber foot going up your asshat sir.



While yes this rant was brought about by one in particular post, it was NOT only that person. This rant has been building for many months. Take your cynicism and shove it. I'm far happier tending myself with optimism and hope- that you chose to try to lessen that only shows your shortcomings in my eyes.

were the sun shining and waves calling. Blue skies should never be marred by blurry vision, yet both are illusions just so the longing does not alter a fragile state of mind. “Tomorrow” it whispers, “tomorrow…”

Perpetual Monday... that is what I feel like I'm living through...

You read something as:



Tada~Boner!



in your house forums... O.O



*sigh*

I had a whole bunch of anger surface yesterday, coupled with fatigue and I found myself just wanting rest. I’m not fully certain what it was related to, except the card seems to have triggered it. I’m quite confident that over the next few weeks I’m going to have moments where I simply just want to throw a tantrum and have at it. Yet I know that this is not truly a constructive way of dealing with things. So I wait.



There are several people trying to get me to go out and socialize, however I am less inclined to their type of socialization. I’m looking for more of what I had in Seattle now. Going back to the type and people that have the integrity I demand. I’ve had enough of dealing with bars and the fake social circles, and more importantly the stress it puts on my life. I have enough going on that I don’t need people that add stress on top of what I already have.



What I want now is to have a working computer. :( that said, my immigration, car and bills must come first. Lord I am tired of all of this. Yet will not be in a position to change it for some time.

You know you're tired when you read:



"Dickie and cunt goto bed"



O.o maybe that's why my eyes feel infected.

Eternal has porn hare



*snicker*

I'm not going anywhere today. Cleaning cat boxes and putting a load of laundry into wash- I'm exhausted



:-/



WTF?! I know I haven't been very active, but I'm not THAT out of shape.

Finally I'm feeling better. But I am exhausted. I will try to get to hot yoga tonight as tomorrow I have full day of clients.



I got a card in the mail today, and not to be ungrateful- but it simply seems wrong to be getting a sympathy card from Charlies sister. I don't know the proper ediquet, perhaps it is simply that it is awkward. It's actually left me feeling a bit more... I don't know what- but something.



Seems like immigration will still be a bane of my exisistance, 19 months now to simply hear from them. I only have four months left on this work permit. Really, I'm tired and just want a little normalcy and I don't think I'm asking too much. I make good money, but because of my immigration status and bills, I am unable to take out loans. Which is killing me financially. Not to mention the frustration of having to live paycheck to paycheck, because the overall economy sucks. It's almost like they want to force me on public assistance. We aren't talking large numbers either, but what most people will do on/off to keep things easier and build credit.



Today's rant brought to you by the word: frustrated.

Seems I am poor judge of time these days.



Wake is two weeks away, not this next weekend. :-/

No rest for the wicked. This weekend (up coming) is the wake for Charlie at our local bar. I’m going to be having some out of town guest and a couch guest for the night after we all drink ourselves silly. The issue isn’t that I have guests, but that I have to do my carpets and clean house. Cleaning Ninjas are needed and all I want to do is simply sleep. But you know they say no rest for the wicked.

So I’ll go home and start the laundry and then put away what I have and maybe do a little organizing. If I accomplish just that, then tomorrow I can vacuum and steam the carpets before I do my shopping. Then I can do my floors, clean my bathroom and then my room. I have clean sheets, plenty of towels etc. It is just the cleaning that hasn’t been done since Charlie was in the last stretch. I simply just did the day to day then, now I get to catch up on it all. *sigh*



I honestly have not been over doing it, I’m just not used to being this weak that I am so far behind- with as much rest as I’ve taken. Oh well, time to go home do a little while watching TV and then hopefully tomorrow I’ll have more energy to tackle the bigger cleaning points.

Coffee is not only ambrosia to the gods, it seems to be the only thing that tastes normal to me.



"Infectious Annie" can't wait to be done with work so she can get more coffee and laze about.



Oh and negative weather bloody sucks- I had ZERO runny nose this am... only to walk to work and have it NON STOP



:-/ Ugggg

Well it seems like the flu has gotten hold of me. Meh.

There’s a lot of processing I’m doing right now, and not all of it is linear or even coherent really. It’s more just essences of things going through my head, looking at time lines and trying to figure out what I want to do with this. As well as trying to keep myself from getting sick (EVERYONE here has gotten something and I’m starting to feel something- so I’m doing what I can to not go that route).



For Christmas a friend of mine bought me “Mad men” the TV show. She and I were laughing about the blatant sexism and interplay, and it hit me. We still have not changed. Yes some of our roles have changed, but how people are and how they choose to act, has not. It brought to mind a text that I had with Charlie where I sent him something along the line that mother nature was vomiting snow on us. His response upset me, not because it was bad but because it was a typical aspect of my timing with him. In other word, he got the text as he was vomiting :-/



I told him I wanted a refund for my timing and his response was: “Don’t be concerned with interplay between you and I- you should (imho) reach out and look at the general population’s reaction…”



And it’s true, it’s a conversation we had many times, that I still hold as true. I do not want to be like others in these things. I want to stick to my integrity flawed as it is, and to be myself. I do not think bad behavior is acceptable, I think it comes down to conscious choice. That so many people do not see where they set this up even in their unconscious behavior is unfortunate. But it is their issue. I don’t like what I see when I see the world from other people’s perceptions.



I like the ideals, the striving to achieve them and knowing even if I fail in that- I will have learned something valuable that I can use. It will make me a better person, and it will teach me compassion and patience if I allow them to. But to see how others do things and how they hold their perceptions is so negative, that while I appreciate the glimpse, I want to turn it in for something else. It simply is not how I choose to live.



But with what I've seen of late, I don't know if my perception will ever go back to the way it was...

It was another hard weekend. Charlie's best friend got sick with the flu that has been going around the group that spent so much time in the hospital, and he had a 4 hour drive for court. So because he had had coughing fits that caused him to pass out and could not reschedule court I drove him to his court date.



Nothing spectacular happened during the drive or the stay, but the day in the courthouse and assumptions people make really annoy me. Why is it that being a woman and having a man who is a friend the assumption is that you are involved? Really? Fuck off and die.



Seriously I have always been annoyed at this, and dealing with it over the weekend with all of the anger I'm trying to diffuse right now, got me pretty 1. Aggressive and 2. Confrontational. Which helped Charlie's friend when the other person's counsel started to "bully" him into a settlement. That also probably helped them think I'm more involved, well that is there issue. His friend did do a settlement- but for the right reasons, even if I don't fully agree with them. It is his burden to bear just as I have mine.



I officially now think I'm crazy- as I still am not, well I simply don't see him as gone. I know he is, make no mistake of that- but the energy signature has not changed. I am grateful to an extent. That said I suppose why it worries me is the following from my past.



Grandfather, "She's really gone you know."



Me, "Who?"



"Your grandmother, I simply always just thought she was in Kansas or on one of her trips doing something. But she's not coming back."



That was 10 years after my Grandmother passed. We all wondered at how well Grandfather had done in her absence. Yet, shortly after this conversation my Grandfather had a stroke that was the start of the end for him. It took four more years till he passed, but after that day and those words- he was never the same.



I also had a conversation with my mother. My step-father is drinking again, and starting to be a mean drunk again. Now she isn't around him and/or sends him home when he gets bad, but the aspect that this is happening again and the emotional toll on her- I'm angry with. Bottom line is: she will never fully let him go. Their bond simply is too great, and while he is damaged and she is too- the issue remains that they always go back to each other.



I told my mom, I understand why she will not let go or give up on him. However it would concern me less if she socialized with OTHER people. I have never not had my own friends or people that know me just for me. That she has removed and isolated herself is where my issue lies. I'm hoping that after I said this, she will consider it.



She also apologized to me for encouraging me to be "too independent" as she sees my being single an aspect of her failing me. I had to remind her that if I TRULY wanted a superficial connection or something that was easy, I've had more than ample people offer. That simply is not what I'm looking for- and given what I've had in my past is not something I think I will ever be interested in. Granted I'm not opposed to people who do, but I have simply not wanted that in my life- ever. Even as a child/teen I was looking for "more". Yes I've had many many crushes, and I'm certain I will have many more.



That said, they are simply parts of life to enjoy and let go of. Like candy, they simply will not sustain you. Which then circles my thoughts to when a friend told me at the age of 18: "you are certain to meet and marry, look at how much you have to offer."



I still remember my response as it was not something I was thinking but felt from my core, "And that is why I will not. Because I can offer so much, I need that much more in return."

Just had a barrister pass her that had grey "amadeus" hair that (or Tina Turner ala 80's/90's) sticking up in all directions, with 4" stiletto boots.  Welcome to court o.O

Douchehammer



I love that word *sigh*

One of my mentors from school has been suffering from cancer for 11 years. On Christmas day she responded to a request I put out for positivity, telling me how she has been paralyzed for 2 months.



Now it seems she is loosing her ability to type. Really, fuck you cancer. I for one am done with the negativity and fear you create. Life is hard enough knowing we all die, but the suffering you inflict?



I also need to contact my former roomie who had her breast cancer return last Christmas to her spine. She is in recovery, but like a fortune I got said:



It is time to put my energy to positive use...

Tomorrows high will be -8 with a low of -17...



Fucking hell, why do I hear Charlie laughing that he doesn't have to shovel or be out in this? Oh yeah, cause he did just that while in the hospital... SOB



At least I will goto hot yoga tomorrow.

I'm watching "the secret of nimh" today.  There is something comforting about cartoons.  Yesterday I was in the mood for "somewhere in time" but it left me a bit more morose.  It is strange seeing so many of the stories I grew up loving for they "spoke" to me. 



Ironic, really.



And now I'm working on getting back into the work that needs doing, only to find out my computer is kaput. Great.  Really just what I need now.  I suppose I will try to replace it as it will be several hundred to fix what broke- which means time for new.



It's times like this that I feel more alone than ever.  



The only good news so far is bitter sweet, simply because of my own perceptions.  I keep waiting to have things seem normal- but they don't.  I go through all the motions and I'm greeted with no comfort of before- just more of the morose.



It seems like it would be better if it were different. 

Today I start to draw out some costumes I will be making in the next few weeks.  I also know it is time for my work to start.  A part of me simply wants to rewind time, to remember with clarity.



A part still lives there, and I'm not certain will leave.  I've had a fee people notice a shadow behind me, and it makes me wonder... There is an element of my spirit that now demands complete freedom.  Like if I flex hard enough I can just have it.



Another part wonders at fate, and if she yet again will expect more.  No actually I don't wonder, I know. Perhaps even in this there will be compassion. Granted it is a twisted version, yet fitting for what some view as chaos. 



Till then the mundane, laundry and cleaning followed by patients... While words start to form and a shadow whispers when I need.  Dreams of lounging on a couch just enjoying a simple yet pure moment... Don't take them for granted.

My sense of foreboding  seems to have lessened with a conversation I had with an acquaintance yesterday.  She is someone I will know quite well over time but for now the wheels are turning.



I'm feeling more of my pull to do and get done.  Not an urgency of before- but is whispers: "soon".  I can name three things I must do, and have started wheels on the first.  Now it is waiting for pertinent information and then it will be red tape of organization.



Not last night but the previous night we had snow fall.  Only it wasn't a typical snow fall, it is what I call magical snow for it seemed fake.  Like it was made of cellophane both in looks and texture.  It was beautiful in the lightness and how it lay on the ground in soft rolls.  



It reminded me of some conversations I had and why.  My fatigue seems to be loosing it's grip on me, although some things have been happening that are not discerning but remind me- not alone.  



My infection still hasn't fully presented, so perhaps like most illness my body will simply process it and expel it without much issue.  I have a yoga class on Saturday that I signed up for in November that I am looking forward to- but will be greatly out of shape for.



Some of Charlies friends have set up a ride in honor of him for his Birthday- I'm hoping that by then if not before I will have had time and ability to get my plan more fully realized. But I also plan on participating in the ride.  



It is about to "get crazy" for me here- not in a bad way, but in a manner that I have yet to experience.  I have much to do between now and then. Work that has to be returned to, and new projects to complete.  



Focus and patience is something I will need.

I knew something was wrong Charlie.  I simply have no way of fixing this. Your best friend is going through the struggles of his life- and it is tearing him down.



Your former roomie has met a 20yr on public assistance and 2yr old on facebook, and after one month of online chatting and meeting and sleeping with her saturday has had this girl move in- to the peril of keeping his own 10 year old, potential loss of his dream of school and everything he said he wanted. His ex is so heartbroken she doesn't know why he would throw away what he had for this damaged piece of ass.



So much negativity Charlie, we were both working so hard for positivity and now this.  This is not your legacy, yet people seem to have forgotten. Now it is my turn to ask you Charlie- how.  How are we to go back when others simply let it slip away.

I keep looking at your obituary hoping it will make this all more real for me.  But it isn't, and I'm at a loss of how to understand when I know that isn't what is needed. 



I'm still just tired and in need of something I can't quite figure out.  



Till then more distractions, more rum and more smoke.

"Hiiiiii will u b my friend???!??"



No I will not, now go away and hump some other poor unsuspecting person's cyber leg. I'm finishing my coffee.



*delete*

The problem with seeing is knowing that your picture is incomplete.



I knew so much, and now I must do- I simply don't want to. Each breath seems to rake through me.  I had a slight cough this am with chunky green mucous.  Tonight if I finish with rowing soon enough I will start hot yoga again.



Tomorrow I must work.  I know I have the strength- it is not that I fear, it is that I am weary.



It permeates through bone and leaves a malaise that aches in regularity of waves rippling water. There seem to be distant memories that warned me of this time. Fade to nothing, or stand and do what you know to be right.  That it was understood to be difficult, I knew- but the how I was blind to.  Now that I face it, I wish the lesser road were an option.



Simply because I am so very tired. Yet that is not what I resolved then or now- spirit simply demands more from me.  Still the dream remains untarnished.

Today I'm modeling in a fashion show for one of Charlies former roomies, who is also a bit upset by all of this. However she has a new boy that I saw a real connection with before.  Here's to hoping that the right things are said and done so they don't miss time.



The group got together last night to party in Charlies memory- and had an awesome time.  I however was sick as the burger and fries I had made me vert sick.  I ended up sleeping about 10 hours, and I needed it.  



Got up smoked a clove and drank my coffee to some of the most morbid thoughts I've had.  This still isn't right energetically- I am poor for words- this is not like any other death I've dealt with.  I was expecting to be similar to those I loved and were family... Even some of my life long friends... This is nothing like the others and that leaves me lost.



So I'm dressed and ready for the show, I have some fun clothes and it is a good distraction. But a part of me simply wants to hide.  When I told my friend this she said, "no." 



It looks like I'm going wether I want to or not... *sigh*

I feel like I'm waking from a nightmare.  All I want is to text Charlie, "you won't believe the fucked dreams I just had."



Only I can't, because they weren't.

So my best friends mom called her today with:



"Hi honey, what do you want from the house when I die?"



Her cancer is back and in her lung and lymph nodes.  



And this is while I sit in ER with Charlie's best friend who has had chest pains the last two weeks that are getting worse.



Murphy can kiss my big fat white hairy ass.

Charlie,



Why is this so fucking hard? Today the client I see that I knew had cancer right after you were diagnosed - is back. It seems that the last treatment has reduced their edema by over 50%. They also have their taste back...so they are going to the restuaraunt they always wanted to try- as now or never. Now we are working on trying to support their system so that they are not in as much pain from the tumor and hopefully so that it doesn't shut down more of their organs.



We talked about treating you- I told you what could help... and yet because of everything I am now left treating others and thinking, "if only". My mother told me today of the client she had to book for a surgery for the same cancer you had. Like you, this client doesn't want to miss too much work and is ready to go on with their life.



This is what is going to just kill me- that I know we simply just don't have the answers and more so -I don't have you to discuss these things with. Yet my client still has breath, so with every bit of my energy I will do my best to help them have hope...



not of a cure, but of a better quality of life. You wanted that…

Self worth and insecurity are tricky. I keep remembering something Charlies sister asked me,



"is it something Charlie said or did? If not, why does it matter?"



It doesn't - as he was fully able even in his drugged state to say what he thought. Or ask people to change. He did it a few times, the rest of what people saw does not matter. It was for them.



Just as what he and I shared was just for us.



That is truth.

I am a bit amused in a sick way.  There are those who view my facebook posts as only about Charlie, yet they themselves took upon themselves to follow the ministers advice to post onto facebook about letting friends and family know they are loved.



They also have made it abundantly clear that I don't have a right to be upset or I should say this upset over the loss of Charlie.  Yet I say none of our friendships are perfect, and that is part of the beauty of them.  



Yes Charlie and I bitched- hell I still bitch about things that matter to me- it is how I have always worked things out.  But if you can't see how what I say applies to you and our friendship- I pity you, as your world is less colorful than mine.  I have not mentioned his name in my status' or posted his photo for a reason.  



That wasn't what we were about.  In the same manner, we encouraged mass transformation and change in each other to who each of us expressed who we wanted to be.  So to you it seemed like something else, that is your perception.  The truth is not in my moments I talked about, or that he talked about but where we met in-between. 



I wish you all more love, "color" in your lives.

26



105/60 - woo I finally broke 100.



Now I am in fuzzy eyeball mode.

Yesterday was the funeral and the day before was the viewing.



Once we finally got to Charlie's home town it was easy to relax, an head out to the viewing.  I had tried to prep myself for the open casket but nothing really does when someone was that sick.  Grotesque is probably the best word.  That they burried him with his phone was amusing. 



It reminded me of the time he went in for a job interview and had introduced himself to have his phone go off with, "mail motherfucker"... And because it was me, it went of at least 2-3 times before he could silence it.  He was so mad/humored he called me up once he found out he had the job- I however was mortified as I assumed you go into job interview and silence your phone o.O back to that in a bit...



 After the viewing we went to a restaurant that had a private back room.  There were so many of us there we filled the room.  Some of the funny hospital times were shared, like Charlie looking right at me and saying, "I'd make a horrible gay man as I have shitty gag reflex".  



I looked a him and said, "makes you appreciate the ladies a bit more?" 



"Nope, anyone can train it if they want."



During the drinks, dinner something was said that set me off again- yes I was squeaking. *sigh* and then the story about the nurse had to be told...



We finally got to the hotel about 2am. And set our wake up for 7:30 as there were 4 of us sharing the room the first night and all of us wanted showers before the funeral.



To start the funeral they played Frank Sinatra's "I did it my way".  Then the minister asked us all to silence our phones... And I cant tell you how tempted I was to text Charlie right then... Remember the previous story?  Lol well it is a different phone and he never was able to get that ring tone loaded.  (he actually broke his phone in front of my place)



The service was nice, they kept referring to "Charlie's" music, buy it was music his sisters chose and that he would have dealt with- but he would have said, "turn the fucking station". The worst one: Celine Dion.  Second worst: Whitney Huston "I will always love you" to which I said to his caregiver as I helped put her nail glue on to reglue the nail that came off, "if they play it one more time some one's gonna die".  His caregiver looked up at me, gave a look which brought me back to why we were there and laughed. "well you know he's rolling in his grave with this one" was all I could sputter out.  She laughed and then pointed out the Evanescence song, "That was my choice."



"and much more appropriate it is."



The service ended with the minister challenging us to tell those we love that we do- and to live the legacy of love that Charlie left.



After the service we went grave side and he was buried with his mother.  I'm not certain why he was buried as I know he wanted to be cremated- but that was a family choice.  As I got out of the car I heard a whisper, "why are you wearing THOSE to a grave side that is -8 in snowbanks when you could be wearing boots?". Shut it Charlie, I was a little emotional and didn't think about shoes/graveside this morning.  I can have cold feet for a few and be ok. 



Watching the family lay their roses on him and then lower him... Still I'm not dealing with this as I'm used to.  It is different- things aren't, well I don't know what is/isn't right now.



We went back to the funeral home for a lunch, and socializing.  I don't think we left till 3 or 4. then we met with some of Charlie's friends for coffee at the local Tim Hortons.  I think we stayed till about 5 and then headed to hotel for nap- which Charlies best friend choose to talk through.  Normally he "bumbles" around- then I just think he wanted to talk- where I really needed sleep.  Once I realized I wasn't getting a nap I went to see if anyone wanted to do dinner- and then he and I ate, and returned to hotel.



By this point I had that metallic taste in mouth and knew if I did anything else I would get sick.  His best friend said if "I'm not allowed, then neither are you".



Fair enough, but then let me SLEEP I'm very good about knowing my body's limits- and right now I'm weak and toxic.  That means I require rest to recover.  To which I'm finally getting time to do what I need while he showers.  We'll do brunch and then hit the road home.



But first there is a waterfall I want to see before we leave town.

Today I keep remembering showing Charlie pictures that were on Facebook. I was showing him "boob" shots that myself and some friends did for a mutual friend (aka make the ex jealous pictures) the first was a picture of the group just normal bar picture with like 10 girls and just his friend in the center. What is telling is Charlie looked at the photo and said, "Ann. She has a smile like Ann's".



Puzzled I responded, "yes that's me Charlie" before his clarity returned.

Since childhood I've dreamt of a house in the woods. I want to be there now.

Well I just got my ass handed to me again. Seems when we are down- we do forget some of the basic lessons.



One of which I have talked about previously is love, and vulnerability. The purpose of everything with what has happened is that I need to remember that this is what I need to take away from this.



Going too much into the story- only enables the negativity of that emotion and those insecurities. Yes there is much pain, and I will still grieve and no I will not forget the why of my anger. However it is not my place or in my greater needs to focus on it. Of everything that has happened one thing is abundantly clear- one of the only ways to move past the negative is to only focus on the positive. Not the should have, could have, would have’s but the pure essence of what was shared.



During the time at the hospital, I would falter and quite often. That came from my own need of purpose and feelings of unworthiness. I mentioned how at times I would literally leave that at the door of Charlie’s room and then pick it up as I left. I had control over it, but perceived that I did not have control.



I gave them my power.



What matters now is what I need.



Stop the story, for it is not the truth. The truth was found in the love and vulnerability. That is what he would want, he hated the “drama” even though at times insecurities and lack of self worth perpetuated it. Time to step into who I’ve been afraid of, as in truth there is no reason to fear. But I can’t help but acknowledge the loss.



At the same point, what a fucking powerful gift he gave me in this. Yet again I am in awe.

It’s interesting, I remember right before Christmas when Charlie’s best friend said, “no matter the outcome, there are big changes on the way.”



I knew it then, and now I know it more than ever.



I had to assure a good friend of mine here that no it isn’t my time. She sees two funerals, and to an extent she is correct. In what manner I can’t explain, but as I even told my mother my purpose is not done- because she saw how connected we were when she met him and spent time with just the two of us. In fact all of this is part of the why/what/how and I knew it from the first phone call where Charlie told me he was sick.



Charlie actually got on me in the hospital, “you’ve got to stand up for yourself”… yes I do. I also have to not be ashamed of the attention I get when I would rather be behind the scenes. Ironically, this – all of this I have a feeling is going to put me more “out there” than these people expect. I still walk in two worlds.



And I’m back to solid black sleep, which I haven’t had since I realized my feelings for Charlie after Holmes died. Yet I don’t feel him “gone”, not here in the same manner- but make no mistake the connection is still there.



The last day he was able to clearly communicate he was upset that his sisters were smoking. He looked right at me and asked, "whats your status?" knowing that I often smoke when stressed.



"I'm not"



"Good, keep it that way."



Only his last day I started, and bought a pack of cloves as I will allow myself one pack of this "comfort". When I went to pay- the debit machine chose right then to stop working. So I had to use the ATM and the extra $3 surcharges for using ATM.



That pack is now done, and I can feel not urgency, but a need to get right back to where I was and what I was doing.



It is time, then the rest will be up to fate.

I've been thinking a lot today about the past month and half. There was so much that happened, and I do see where each piece has a reason.



But some of it was NOT needed. I was telling Requiem, I never thought I would find something that in time I could not forgive- but I now can say that I most certainly have. See I watched them take his freedom of expression away. I saw him shield his feelings until those he trusted were around. That they took that from him in the last days I will never forgive.



Because I saw him glow, be truly happy... and then hours later it had shifted. Not because the emotion had changed- but because they showed him how they were attacking me. I understand why he said what he said to them- to pacify them, and lessen their attack on me. Which it did, but damn it - that is NOT RIGHT.



Of course I felt the shift; it bothered me as I wondered what I had done. Yet again, it was their wants and needs above his own. That's how he was. I knew months ago it was not an issue with he and I- but rather how the "group" viewed the potential of he and I. I will say this once:



If I ever see you or your friends step in the way of people who love each other and their potential- you will be dropped out of my life. Life is too fucking short for those who refuse to support the happiness and success of their friends simply because THEY feel left out. Know that when the Karma bus runs you over, I will not feel pity- I will rejoice because your selfishness is evil and negative.



Yet I go back to the music that has kept me going and has seemed to be my "anthems" during this time...



Each is hauntingly fitting to what I experienced. There is irony that I had started listening to them non-stop even before I started to see Charlie in the hospital. Damn it, I wish I could have shielded you- knowing full well that was what you were doing with me. We both knew why it wasn't working, fate it seems has a cruel way of pointing some things out. Just damn...











And I don't want to live in this night, and I dont want to see your shadow fade...

I can't deal with Facebook right now. So many people have his face on it, and all I am haunted with is the pain I was putting aside.



And the nightmare begins...

A part of me is deeply afraid of the funeral and more so of the viewing.



See Charlie didn't just tell me he didn't want me to see him this way, he told others about how his weight loss bothered him, especially in regards to me. While I am a 6-8 in size and 5'11" I still weigh between 152-162 depending on exercise levels.  



When we met, I was 210 and hated my body.  Charlie was 145 and he too was not liking how he looked.  We would joke that I should just give him my fat ass and he could take it and turn it into muscle. Right when he was diagnosed he had gotten to 160, and I was about 165.



This summer when he was being mean and pushing me away, he was 145.  I remember saying, when the surgery is done you'll be able to get it back.  When he came back from the surgery he was 115. All that time he would not let me visit, but he would text or call me.



When he finally asked me to visit he was 121, and he complained how he looked like a holocaust survivor, to which I said you'll get better and get it back.  See I was just happy to see him. I don't think he ever understood that I never saw the illness, and even when I'm sure he was under a 100lbs it did not matter- it was him, his spirit that I would look for.



Yet because we were so similar, I understood why he didn't want me to see him that way.  In truth, I now get what he truly was protecting me from- and I know he was right-



But I don't know how I'm going to face that shell of a body tomorrow.  It simply does not have him in it- and I know that I will for the first time see the full horror of what everyone else saw when they walked into that hospital room. I will see what he feared me seeing- and I am afraid.



That he showed me his incision and ostomy bag surprised me (it was the second visit in November) but I remember putting my hand on the scar and saying it was healing very well.  And it was, it looked healthy and the bag- well he was there, I couldn't care less that he had that. 



See the surgery was a success.  The cancer however had other plans. It grew back in his small intestine blocking his bag.  This is what put him in the hospital when he asked me back. I remember the fear I had when I got there, not of what he looked like- but if he were upset. After all I only had my gut feeling at that point- I had not met the others who knew more of the story.  But it fell right into where we were before, and planned on visiting schedule. 



Even this tumor in the small intestine could have been removed, except the cancer also went into his heart.  And that they can't treat.  Chemo might have been an option, except his type of cancer did not respond to it, and radiation was also not an option.



Which is why that he was able to live as long as he did, and with as much spirit as he had- was truly a miracle.  Knowing Charlie, he would say the pain was 6-7/10 when I first visited him in hospital- and knowing the type of meds he was on- well I can say it was much much more painful that he ever let me see.



Even in the end days, his worst times would happen after I left or when I was not there.  When he couldn't stop them he would fret over it, and all I could say is, "I know, just relax and try to breath".  When he was sick I would measure, dispose and help him do minor clean up. 



He didn't want to forget his spirit as it had been prior to this cancer.  Which is part of why he needed me- because I never saw him physically, it was always his spirit I would see.  That's what people don't get, he had been so afraid as with his mom dying of cancer 6 years ago and how rapid this one was... He was forgetting himself to the pain and fear. I saw that on the 17th of December and it scared me.



Not his death, but that we were loosing his spirit and/or it would break. Thankfully it did not happen.



But I don't know how I can see just his shell and not remember all the pain and hurt we had to go through.  I don't feel strong enough anymore. 

I don't know if it is a good thing that I read my journal from July to now.



It is hard remembering the hurt/anger/frustration that simply happened because of fear and pride.



The other aspect that is plain, the desperation to correct the issues... Makes me wonder how much my subconscious has been aware. I don't believe in cooincidence - oh damn.



Hind sight is more than 20/20, it changes it all.



I know you still lurk, and we are still good- but not again. I simply want rest now.

So I just bought my dresses for the viewing and funeral. Tomorrow I go back to work and then Wed I work and leave for the funeral.



I'm still in shock, disbelief and greif.



We went out to retro night and I almost made it, but then all I could remember was last valentines day there with him and the group- the last time he went out and he actually sang... Then the time he briefly showed why people called him tigger/gummy bear... And I had to go home.



I keep wondering when I will feel rested again.

I woke from a dream where I was talking to Chalie I don't know what was dream and when I was actually awake. 



damn it Charlie, you better not be waiting for me to say this is ok, and to give my permission.   Damn it you never wanted permission, you wanted approval.  This is your race and your terms. I am here and that isn't going to change.



I know why, I know who stood in the way- I will move on, but this I will not forgive them.  I think we are allowed that.



Wait for me, I know what I need to do.  But it's going to take time. I'm not done with you yet... But we are good- we are more than good.  Don't you doubt that, not for one instance. I can't take this much more, it is breaking me.



There is only so much of your suffering I can handle and we are beyond that- so what?  What is it... Next time, I want more time, I want to step from this to what we were supposed to do, and be.  They won't be in the way next time, as we both chose this for our growth and to be better- now I want that big fat fucking fairytale ending.  



That people didn't get it, they weren't meant to. It was in the unspoken that much of conversation took place.  Yes I know I'm strong enough to endure their ridicule.  I know the fear as it was my own too.



I will also not forgive that they left you alone to process this, as I tried so hard to be there.  But we both know why I couldn't be- it is bad enough that your purpose this time was not finished.  I will do my part, I've been seeing it more and more- but time is needed.



Your race Charlie, we will have more than ample time to share all the pieces we wanted to, and talked about.  Now you are almost out of gas- I can't bare that, get to that finish line.  It's there, lead with your heart Charlie I know you see it.



*singing*



Lay your head down

And sleep on my shoulder

Lay your head down 

And start a new dream

And for tonight

The moment is over

Drift in a lullaby

Here where all the stars resid

And angels are always seen



And lay your head down

The stars they have whispered

Hear what they say

And know that it means

The moon is your guide

The stars they have kissed her

As she goes gently by

Light as a baby's sigh

Safe on a fairy tale stream



And start a new dream.



I don't know when I feel asleep again, but my phone woke me at least an hour or two later from a black sleep.  It was his best friend, "are you home or the hospital, if you're home answer your door".



"He's gone isn't he.  I'm home I fell asleep when I meant to get up to go."



"Just answer your door"



Charlie died peacefully in his sleep at 1:10am January 2, 2011. 

It was a good day.  The first was a day I had intended to just goto the hospital early then leave.  I got there around 11:30 and when I got there his caregiver and her husband were there, so I stepped down for a drink.  



After that I talked with her and corrected the boo-boo that I had done. I made sure I was in the room with Charlie when I corrected it as it did pertain to him.  I also left so his sister could have time with him, and then waited for his best friend and former roomie to have their time.



As we left I leaned to Charlie and said, "your race Charlie, we're just here cheering you on". When we got to the errands that needed to be done, Charlies best friend got a call from a girl downstairs who is having boyfriend drama.  So we went to Police station, and at one point he came over and asked,



"what do you think or are you going to yell at me."



HUGE grin from me and, "oh the latter." See this is a nice girl- but she is NEEDY and emotionally looking for someone to make things ok.  With how Charlies best friend is, this is bad bad BAD!  She told him her friend would be there soon, so we left to go have dinner. 



It was very good.  Then we dropped off former roomie and went back to hospital where Charlies caregiver started in on his best friend regarding the security guards phone number he was given.  Something was said at some point that got me laughing so hard I squeaked- over and over again- to the point a nurse came in and asked, "are you ok, is she ok, do we need to get her something?" which made me laugh harder.



We were about to go when Caregiver let the best friend know her sister was on her way. Well he had wanted to see her, so I took his keys and went for some of the food leftovers as our dinner was HUGE for the caregiver.



I got the food, was locking the car and cue alarm.  :-/



I was pushing every button and none of them stopped the alarm, it seemed to encourage the alarm to mock me louder.  I was walking back when I had a thought whisper, "what happens if i put key in lock?" thankfully that was the solution.



On returning to room they asked, "was that you?" when I entered saying great, you keys are evil... Yup it was me- lovely they could hear the alarm on the ninth floor on the other side of hospital :-/



When the caregivers sister arrived, she offered me a butterscotch and marshmallow treat and introduced herself.  When I said who I was, she said "oh I've heard all about you from that one (points to Charlie looks at my puzzlement) not that one (points at sister)."



*sigh from me, laughter from Charlies best friend*



"Yup, I'm kind of getting used to hearing that this week."



We all were sitting around chatting about the girl his best friend got the number for, laughing about Christmas things. At one point his caregiver said that we'd better be quiet as they start to kick people out at 10.  We stayed until about 10:30.  



"Goodnight Charlie, I'll see you in the morning."

This morning I had a fee minutes with Charlie alone before his sister got there.  I told him how I keep thinking of the line from princess diaries:



courage is not the absence of fear, but deciding something else is more important



I also told him that I also have been thinking about how my mother told me, "you either play the game, or the game plays you."



I am so proud of him, but it is truly getting harder and harder to watch this. It pains me to not have him able to communicate, but know that he's listening.   



I had to correct a fuck up I did this am, it does happen- you know the saying good intentions pave the road to hell...but that was easily enough done. 



It seems he is waiting for something- and I hope I'm wrong about what it might be, although if it is the irony will in the long term be so typical.  In truth all of this has been exactly how he lived.



When I checked in with the night watch- the man was like: "lots of people are visiting him, he must be a good guy."



I responded to him, "he is the best of men."

Holy rollercoaster ride!  2010 was a serious year of change and purging toxicity from my life. It's funny how dealing with all of this, has lead to some amazing clarity for myself.



Where there is life there is hope. 



After all of this, there are people that I am already done with.  I will always be kind to them with how they love and treated Charlie, but the personal attacks on my person I will take for this time- and file away in my memory.



I will not be ashamed of how I've been, as I have not overstepped what Charlie and I agreed upon and NEVER asked for the behaviors from others.  That was their choice based off what HE told them.  



I found out yesterday that yet again the same woman that stood between Charlie and I last year, did it again on Christmas day.  Only this time she showed him her letter and my "supposed" attack on her.



Seriously?  I would have been much better not having any of his friends/family treat me this way, it would have been easier.  I'm the type of person that prefers to be around and in the corner.  Like I told his caregiver I'm here for Charlie but I stay around the hospital in the waiting area so I can see my friends who come to visit.  With the time for family and all the people plus nursing most of the time in the hospital is waiting for him to be rested and/or be available to have a moment. 



So it's been easy for me to stay and socialize with friends who know and understand- apposed to those who only knew my side which often was my frustration and not the complete story.  Just like the ones who are opposed to what I've done, did not know the whole story- they got his frustrations.



This is something we all do and my only issue is when people forget there are always two sides to a story.  It is easy to vent the negative to someone not exposed to the good things.  In this even then, I can't help but view the actions as having been malicious to specifically get something they wanted- knowing that they would not get it, so they would keep others from it too.  No that statement is not just about me- there are other instances.



Charlie remains one of the very few people that I shared all of me with- good, bad and ugly.  Part of his insecurity regarding his surgery came from statements I said to him.  My prejudice while was honest with him, became one of my greatest shames.



Today his best friend, former roomie and myself went for Chinese food to celebrate the new year after a quick visit.  Charlie has been sleeping all day, little to no response now, and his breathing has larger gaps.  He at least is not in the pain he was in before.



I however am already looking forward to work, as the positivity of where I am is greatly needed in this time. While reality is and has been my greatest fear, I came to grips today with why I fought others so hard-



When you give up there is no hope.  It is only in our struggles that we generate more opportunity for our true potential.  



Charlie is a good example of the things he was working towards and how hard he was trying to move forward with who he wanted to be.  Then I see others waiting for the opportunity to get permission to try. Others still simply don't care and actively work against their potential.



It comes down to choices.  I don't regret the path I've wandered as it has taught me so much.  In the same point I can't help but feel there was too much waste.  There has been for some time.



It has been conscious at points, but so much of it was unconscious as it was part of working out who I wanted to be given the circumstances I had been placed in.  



That is what hurts the most right now, knowing that there was untapped and explored potential.  This taught me that even in death many people will not put their needs aside for the happiness of another, to the bitter end their selfishness does not stop.



Today I found out that after Charlie found out about his cancer, almost everyone stopped talking to him.  It had only been in the past few weeks that they have been here :-/



I was pushed away, I fucking TRIED- but they ran from him.  I don't hold it against Charlie, honestly I can see myself doing the same to him if it had been me.  See when you can't lie to someone, then you can't hide your fears.



Yet when push came to shove, he asked me back- and I get that too.  Still there is still life, and I believe..



Because the awesomeness of this something that is bigger than we are- it relates to everyone and the choices we make with how we live and love.



I believe in magic, miracles and the power of you. 

So Charlie made it to the new year.  His red year has ended, I told him time for new dreams.  



He actually gave some small responses to me, there were several friends that came to visit.  This is hard, to watch him struggle so, but at this point it is his will pure and simple that has him here.  



There are still those that disagree with what I've said, but frankly I don't have the time or the energy to deal with them.  Because they heard THEIR version if what I've said- not the full meaning.



Besides Charlie an I discussed what I was doing, I showed him some of the responses and he responded to some.  Point is, you don't have to call something the same thing to use it.  I made the likeness last night to saying, "I'm sorry that 100 bill is from the United States so I can't use it." 



They can be that silly, but I am not going to be.  Give me that hundred and I'll convert and use it.  Sheesh, it is a matter of prinicpal, and right now our friend truly suffers.  Beyond what words describe, and it hurts me to see it.



It is HIS choice.



Mine was when I told him I would be there. So I am, and will continue to be until he is done. My pain can wait till later.



I believe in magic, miracles and you.