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Ok... Note to self.. do not have too many windows open on your browser... it slows the computer way down and makes mistakes more likely to happen when you are trying to 'quickly' send something... Oh lordy... me thinks I'm about to be embarrassed or humiliated or both...
The universe’s sense of irony? I go to watch Practical Magic last night- only to have a 30min texting conversation with dink boy. *sigh* Really?! Is it simply too much to ask for time off from my life… In a way, once I get through this next little bit- I’m thinking I am going to go on a 2 part vacation:
Seattle and our family beach house. It will do my soul good to see my family and friends that I so dearly miss- even with seeing them on facebook all the time. That and being able to be at the ocean- there is something just so raw and powerful about it that I miss, and the fresh air- that you honestly don’t get anywhere else in the world.
I often forget how much time I spend on the go... until I take time away from home, and then I am surprised at how much "stuff" gets in the way.
Not physical things, but the go to the store, walk the dog... running around that ends up wasting more time than saving me time. As I'm getting more into my rountine at home, I am getting closer to having the times/places where I go do these things specifically with no time line in place.
However until I'm through the next few months, there will still be some go-go-go... yet, this weekend reminds me that I need to start saying no. I have to allow for me time, and chores around my house. Small things, like sipping coffee then having a shower, dog walks where you can stop to talk to a random stranger...
I often don't know how to handle compliments. It is something I need to work on in order for me to be comfortable with where I am going. I suppose really what I need is to remember it is about perception.
I've had people in past view my journal as a way of "showing off" or a way of "one upping" another person. And I would have to say to them- they have not read my words or the intent I try to convey.
My personal truth is that I know each and everyone of us struggle at some point. And I see that people relate to stories, and examples better than just advise. Hence why I write about my failures and struggles here. Plus it gives me the added benefit of "thinking through" my thoughts and what it is I'm really feeling... or if it is an emotion that I've picked up from another person- that I need to rid myself of.
What I hope for, but often feel that I fail at is a connection where the words transcend the ones and zeros here to create real energy, tangible changes in thoughts- which lead later to changes in actions. Not that my way is the best (how many times do I have to fall flat on my face to prove this?!) but if it gives even one person a shift in perception that they can make that change, even if small... then my words are not wasted in a public setting.
I will not say that they are ever wasted, as they are first and foremost for me, my growth and my remembering who and what I wish to be. But well, the other is icing on the cake.
So I thank you for this compliment (and hope you forgive my sharing it) as I think it is important that remember to share the positive words with those that we love. It is easy to feel the pride in their success- but do we tell them? Sometimes words work better than actions because they reinforce and confirm what a person already feels.
Thank you again for these words:
I've been catching up in your journal entries and you have truly been shining through the shit. I am so proud of the way you've handled yourself, and amazed all over again that such a special person walks the earth with me. thank you for being you.
That you were kind enough to say them, give my spirit strength to continue sharing- even when my pride would prefer I bury what I feel.
I can't believe how while it's been several months- how quickly the tears come when talking to people about Holmes.
What brought this on is that Megan has to have her medical records faxed from Seattle to my new vet- and well... I had to let them know that the puppy they treated until I moved passed away. He was in their care for 12 years... when I brought him home at 5 weeks, the Vet was the first person he met... when I moved- they were the last stop on my way out of town...
In August I thought of contacting them, but just didn't have the heart to. Today I made the call, and now- I just want my dog back after talking about some of the memories.
There are animals that we love and are family- then there are those where the connection is so much more. Not that you love them more, but the bond is something so different it can't be described. Holmes was like that for me, more so than any other animal I've ever had. Special. Dearly missed.
My mother always told me something- that until these last few months, I understood- but did not truly know.
It is not love unless it is reciprocated equally.
I am just understanding the power of those wise words. Sometimes that means leaving someone behind for the betterment of both.
Other times it leads to some amazing journeys.
But what it means is that it is met, and it is balanced. Anything less on either party and it gets equated to lust in my book. Still powerful- but short lived.
There is an aspect of love that I liken to our body parts. Such as a leg for example. If you loose the leg you still can function, but at first you will have more difficulty as you have to re-learn and re-balance your life without it being present.
The difficult part becomes if you let it determine the rest of your life based off that loss. I think if properly taken care of- unlike our limbs it eventually grows back- however the process is hard and ugly at times.
What it can lead to though is quite magical- but only in that it continues to expand and grow us as a person. It should not hinder us, but allow us freedom to find what/where we need to be. That is where at times love means true loss. Yet from that pain and hurt I think we have richer soil to grow in more abundance.
It simply depends on how you wish to live. In the here and now- or in the energetic world where anything is and can be possible.
This question is in regards to the entry below and his comment. However I think it is appropriate to discuss the differences.
Personally I think it is impediment because they are flawed to begin with and there is no guarantee that they will ever be able to improve. That said there are instances where I think the mystical clouds their brain and creates an impairment that over time leads to impediment...
Not impressive at all....u have no idea of mystic world.......it seems u have one track mind & completely oblivioun of the possibilities.....
Why am I posting their name? Well all you have to do is go into who's rated me and you would be able to attach the comment to the person.
This type of rating amuses me. Firstly because the individual never has spoken to me. Secondly because their supposed knowledge and inability to use a spell check. Third and the last point I will make is that they have obviously not read most of what I write, seen what I do, etc or they would realize the fallacy of their words.
My time here is purely because of my wanting to learn about the mystical- however there are few that I trust the teachings of. Instead I've used VR to learn of other writers and teachers that my friends here have experience with or have looked into.
Belief is not a straight line, to be mystical, you still must live in the world. In it- not of it. So just because someone on the surface doesn't seem deep, it might do you well to remember still waters run the deepest.
Now I have to talk to my lawyer, give notice and prep...
Here's to hoping March 1st works. :)
Can't say more now as really we have shook on it- but it is understood that the above must happen first. Yes paperwork will be signed, it has to be amended with the changes we agreed upon yesterday.
Your friends and your social life could be in conflict with one another, possibly because you have a commitment with people who are important to you in a professional way. They may angrily tell you that it's lonely at the top; politely let them know that, in truth, it's just more crowded at the bottom.
It's funny because I know that there are people out there who don't get why I'm flabbergasted by being half the size I was last year. Then again while yes I'm excited that my work is paying off- it never has been about that.
The journey has been about me.
What makes me happy.
Things I enjoy doing- that because of my physical being before I was not able to do.
That is what this was about. In truth this journey has been 38 years in the making. Each step brings me a little closer to being the person I visioned and knew I needed to be.
Being a size 8 now.. well is odd.
And it is odd because when I was in high school *after I finished growing- as before I didn't have hips* I was a size 11/12. In university that didn't change. Now I'm a size 8/9 and as I continue to train I'm certain it will end up around 7/8 but I'm not certain how the musculature is going to change as I finish this transition.
Why it is odd is that it ruins something so base in my thought process that I have to redefine my concept of self. See I always considered myself "big"... which meant the 11/12 was comfortable, it was normal, it was "me". Only I knew deep down that this was not the case. So I actively kept weight on to hide what I knew I was.
Because in truth I knew that the issues I'm having now I would have faced then. Heck I did face it, but because of my anger and my unhappiness- I was able to keep it from interrupting my life. I could ignore it because there was better out there.
No, I'm not the greatest thing to sliced bread, but happiness is something that people will consistently flock to in the hopes that it rubs off. The problem with this is that it has been a process that I've been consciously working on since I was 14 years old, which would put this at 24 years of actively working on me. There is no overnight pill- and with this "milestone" or lack of physical self holding me back, I find myself with another perception shift.
One that I welcome- but a shift none the less, as I now have to figure out how I want to view myself from here on out- as my definition is no longer valid- and so my living must also reflect this physical shift.
uh-oh... me thinks it is time for hot shower and nap because that was plain ugly. No I didn't get sick- but I was cold during the work out *yes I warmed up first- was hot sweaty and BANG it turned to cold sweat* and seriously considered just chucking b-fast so I would feel better.
Pride got the better part of me and I didn't but, *burp* uggg still feeling ick. :(
I am so disappointed I don’t think that I will effectively express myself in this entry.
So this weekend I went out dancing again both on Sat and Sunday nights. Saturday we were at a place where I typically have things happen, but usually it is not something that ignoring and moving away from the person does not solve. Sunday I went to the gym after having brunch with some friends- and was oogled by a boy that sat on a bike in front one over from my treadmill and then 3 men that came to the elliptical behind my tread mill.
Normally I don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me as I’m focused on my run- but with all that has been happening to me- I’m starting to really pay attention… and I’m not liking what I’m seeing. I could see in the mirrors that the guys behind were watching… guy on the bike in front of me- looked back no less than 4 times in the 10 min he was on the bloody bike. What really upsets me now that I stop and think about it is that 3 girls came to the treadmills next to me FOR the attention…
Really?! You want to stalked and treated like a piece of meat… REALLY?!!!
Then the icing on the cake was for the local drunk who is normally touchy but respectful, to come up behind me when I’m taking a break from dancing and just standing at the table to put his arms under my armpits, hook his arms up and back, thus raising my arms so that my only defense is to flip him over my person and onto table.
WHAT THE FUCK???
And the hardest part is- while I’m pretty- I’m not THAT pretty… while I’m friendly- I do still make my body language clear that I require distance and respect. It is not what I’m wearing either as last night I was in hello kitty t-shirt and jeans… it happens because I’m HAPPY.
Because I’m getting into a place where I want to be, and while I ignore that I’m a charismatic person- I know that I am when I choose to be. Currently I am working on being more approachable in the sense that I’m not just sending the “fuck off and die” vibe to everyone I don’t know. Which is part of why this is happening- you want to let the right people in, but that sometimes means attracting the riff-raff.
The part that has me sad, confused and upset is that it means I very well may have to make a compromise that I never envisioned myself as making. It troubles me and I simply am trying to figure out what next with this- as I truly enjoy dancing which is why I go out, and I am not ok with not doing this activity.
Still I’m disappointed in people. Both men and women- because the fact remains that women actively respond positively to this type of behavior, which is why men continue to do it. It is a wonder that any of us ever “hook up” in a healthy manner with all of this bull happening.
OMG hahahaha! This is awesome! First I found it from LadyGaga's Facebook page where she posted it with just these two words: holy shit
And let me say it is not only great to see, the bloopers cracked me up. Was it art? No but it was obvious the fun they had while making this and how they creatively recreated the video in there own home is frankly awesome.
Art? Nope- just good old fun from fans... They rule!
The sun will come out tomorrow *warbly voice echos in the hall*
14:40 Jan 10 2010 Times Read: 1,483
Are you kidding me?
How on earth can you take these things seriously?
Really- yes, I'm looking at you.
No not you, but -YOU-!
Chances are if someone who is a Master Vampire writes something that seems "derogatory or demeaning" there is a little specialty called...
Wait for it...
keep waiting...
*insert Jeopardy music*
humor
That for reasons unbeknown to us, have failed to get your neurons firing. Perhaps it is the drama llamas that you carry your bags on... I really don't know... but this reminds me of a few things I've done here where people got ALL UPSET and put their cranky panties on in a wad, then blamed me for their inability to see something that was specifically written to have double or even triple meanings.
IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
OR YOU...
cripes people, this is Cancer's world and we just inhabit it- until he boots us, marks us with shame or whatever said nasties he's hiding.
Users may at anytime delete themselves if they have gotten to this point and still think this is about them, their thoughts and their actions. All characters are partially fictitious- as how the hell can you fully understand someone through ones and zeros? You can't move on. Go get some sunshine, take some yoga... hot bubble bath... really move along...
Wow. I'm a bit overwhelmed with the past two days.
Friday I found out a friend/co-worker from a while back passed on. Today I had interview and am now in contract negotiations, exciting until I got to my phone to find out a friend's husband was in the hospital.
I just spent the past 6 hours? no Maybe 5 with my friend so that the car he used to get to the hospital got home, and so she had everything we could think of for him since he's going to be there until Monday.
Seriously I know that I'm about to hit a stable point, I've been truly blessed in so many ways that I simply can't express, but I have thanks to those of you here that either in friendship or just being great people have helped me.
To my community here, that when my need was expressed- have stepped up in a manner and way that is humbling and inspiring.
Most of all to spirit- for kicking my ass and making sure I stayed on the path I need to be on. Even if I have to let go of things I truly love and want. I have to trust that even better will be returned because I'm doing what is right. I can live with the short-term hurt and pain, even if at times my faith won't hold- the signs have been clear.
I will continue to follow them, as was discussed today: there are no wrong choices. It is what we make of them that colours them in a positive or negative light.
I choose to learn, and continue this- as I see where it is headed. So much of today made that crystal clear to me... now it is just a matter of cleaning up the mess, and moving on from here.
Today I found out that the conversation I had with a friend and former co-worker in Sept was the last. I think I did a previous journal entry about it as I was so upset that her girl friend had dumped her for “faking” cancer. One month later and our world is a little less bright and the universe has one of its stars back.
I remember crying after our conversation as I feared it would be the last. Today I receive a facebook invite to a remembrance for her in Seattle. Once again I will not be able to attend- however the lessons are hitting home and in a good way. I’m really getting to the point where I am ready for the changes I need to finish- and I’m ready to move on.
Not out or anything dramatic, consider this more a moving into my own. Into what I’ve known for many years, and in many ways have prevented myself from doing.
How many people do I have to loose to appreciate the health I enjoy?
How many times will I let others shine and not take care of myself?
How often to do I want now, instead of taking tally of what I have and truly being grateful and allow myself to be blessed in my life?
The time is swiftly changing and I’m seeking out opportunity in a community that I am fortunate to have good connections in, and I’m starting to see what I am. Truly what I am- and in part a small glimpse of how others see me. What a gift.
There is so much that has been wasted, no that is not correct. It simply has taken me longer to come to the full realization of what I’ve been missing out on because I’ve taken such a difficult route. I do not regret this- but now that I’m seeing a bit more clearly I am and will continue to take care of me first.
Because when I do that, I have more to offer to my family, friends and clients. When I try to care for them first I find that I am weak and hurt, thus unable to truly shine. And it is past my time to shine- this life is only once, and while none of it has been wasted- there is so much more to experience.
I’ve been struggling with doing my first journal entry of this year. See last night was a great night- I spent the night with friends and then went dancing at the bar *Squeeeee* and frankly it was a great time. It is what happened after that really has caused me pause.
I was walking the block (quite literally I was parked ½ block away and around the corner) to my car when from across the street two rather large men (and keep in mind I’m not a small woman) shouted out they wanted a ride home. I told them, “No you can not have a ride” to which I was told they were going to beat me up take my car or damage my car.
Not exactly what you want to start your new year with.
The strange thing is I knew when I saw them that they would try to do something. There was no adrenaline, but a calm of: get in car- lock doors- drive away. Which I somehow knew I would be able to do. If not I was ready to start screaming Charlie’s name as he was in front of the bar.
What I pictured when I saw the men came to be- I got in the car, locked the door- to have one of the men try to tear off my rear view mirror and slam his body into my car while his buddy tried the back door and proceeded to kick my door. Green light at the intersection and before I could get my lights on- so I drove not caring where these men were in relationship to my car. At the next intersection a block away I turned on the lights and texted Charlie. See he’s been on my case about walking alone, as it is something I’ve been forced to do most of my life… add to the mix I’m used to being in a larger city- and to me it just seems silly that I must.
But today I got the “told you so” conversation.
And (am I really saying this?!) he’s right- and I know it. I just honestly never thought I could not walk a block alone. Seems that this type of issue is becoming more and more an issue as I loose more weight and frankly I’m baffled. Not by how we view “thin-ness” but more that I just don’t see it. Several men told me how beautiful I was at the bar- I don’t get it. Don’t see myself that way, and while I am at a point where I refuse to hide in baggy clothes and not wearing make-up; this does not mean I want to be your victim.
Want to know why I’m better than you? You make me better by your poor actions.
In truth this has opened way more issues than I was expecting, and I am suddenly faced with a new direction that I was not expecting. That will be why this entry scopes over at least 3 distinct topics that while related are not in this instance.
And I’m tired, stinking tired of trying to figure out how/why as a woman we must be exposed to this horrid behavior that has no proper explanation or excuse.
It is interesting, I thought when I got my computer working all the thoughts that are going through my head would equate in to more to say. However it seems I want to hold my thoughts close in fear that to speak them I would shatter the momentum that I’ve been working to create.
But that is just a superstition, and I am thankful for this past year and all the change it brought to me. There still is one more major change that will occur for me- and once it does, another will be around the corner. Slow this entire process has been, and tonight seems to be just as good of a night to complete one cycle and start into the next.
There is no rest with some change, and while I know I will be more active in this next year, I also will be resting more and using my time a bit more effectively – this is not a resolution, it is more an affirmation of what I’ve known. Work hard, play and rest. Those are going to be aspects of how I determine what I put my time and efforts towards.
What would a yearend be without being thankful for those that helped me get to where I am:
My family
Charlie
Michelle
Morri and Birra
Imagesinwords
And my many other friends who have in their own ways helped me keep my sanity and thoughts going into the places I want to go, instead of being lost in the momentum of that moment.
I don’t really have resolutions, as many people I know go- I believe everyday is the right day to make your changes and move forward. Sometimes we need the stagnation to just be in one place so that we don’t over do it, but it should never be done to the extent that you loose your “grove”.
So I plan on bringing in the new year with friends- and strangers. There will something be rather freeing to not just have the intimacy because I need to keep open to different options in my future. Time to dress and get ready for my evening.
Happy New Years to you all, as your readership and friendship has a wondrous effect on my person.
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