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Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary



0800: Dog food! My favourite thing!

0930: A car ride! My favourite thing!

0940: A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

1030: Gut rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

1200: Lunch! My favourite thing!

1300: Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

1500: Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

1700: Milk bones! My favourite thing!

1900: Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

2000: Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favourite thing!

2300: Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary



Day 683 of my captivity:



* My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.



* They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.



* Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!



* There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.



* Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.



* I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!



* The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....

Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.



Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.



Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.



You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.



Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."



I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.



Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.



If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.



Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up