13:35 Feb 12 2012
Times Read: 1,588
I've been putting my gratitude in the house thread, not because I don't like to publicly declare gratitude, simply due to the fact our thread was started a long time ago to remind people to look differently. I need to remember that and have it separate from the other things I'm processing.
I had a perception shift occur last night due to the conversation I had with another coach who was with me in the university. He saw me at some of the worst moments I went through, because of the negatives in my friendship with Garry (loved the man, but he could be über asshat, and I didn't blame him, but aspects of the dysfunction had significant impact on me; especially coaching). We were talking about pride, what motivates athletes and high performance. And it hit me the reason I had to retire.
I wanted to be more than just an Olympian or a successful rower. I wanted my intellect praised, my creativity, and my spirit to be remembered.
Not that I couldn't have done that too, but when you hyper focus for years and then are simply done... Well most athletes don't go beyond that well. If you go and don't succeed, often you wonder what if... And while I wonder what scores I could have gotten, I also know two years ago I could have gone back. I seriously considered it.
But then I remembered something, it was a reason Garry gave when I demanded he explain himself as to why he pursued a friendship with me (make no mistake, he did). He simply said, "you seemed to be living off of what you had done, in the past."
Boy do I remember the response I had to that, my spirit came out fighting with a resounding, "NO!"
My dreams have not died, I am not less for my success that was, and I will have/be more.
Yet I am exceedingly proud of what I can say is the single most defining thing in my life, and what it was surprised me. It was not nationals, nor was it my awards or success' in theatre, nor my numerous other adventures and accomplishments…
My singular defining moment is the love I shared with an out of work mechanic.
A man, who could not view himself as a success because of what he physically no longer had, or could supply. A man who held on to his dreams as if they were gold, and actively began searching for what he wanted out of life, and ways he could attain it. Knowing him shifted me and altered me in so many ways. And it taught me the truth of, “love heals all.” For when he went back to his old anger and out bursts, I believe how he found his was out of it was through love. That my friends, is an amazingly powerful tool that if you are ever blessed to see will teach you much of what life truly is about. I watched it give him strength and power so he could face the darkness he was desperately trying to avoid.
And that more than anything else will continue to give me strength, and grow.
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