The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

18:31 Dec 31 2010
Times Read: 840

Today I got to the hospital and just his older sister and Dad and step-mom were there.  I went down to get his sister and myself a coffee and muffin as I could tell she was running on empty.



Came back and we talked a bit about different things, and general aspects of things we've seen.  Once Charlie had been cleaned up we returned to the room to sit with him.  When the Dr. came I excused myself to get another coffee and two eggs with cottage cheese and some fruit.



I texted my best friend and told her, "You know this would be so much easier if his family weren't so great".  That is what is so difficult.



I've written a bit about my immigration issues, but I keep remembering last summer (year ago) when Charlie and another friend were discussing my problems.  She looked right at him and said, "Charlie why don't you marry Ann?"



I responded with how it wouldn't help with work- I could stay then but work would be an issue.  Charlie's response however came from a more serious place as our friend was saying this in joking manner (she did/does it frequently with our single guy friends). But I remember how he looked down put a hand in his pocket and mumbled, "my family would never approve."



This man lived for others, often to the detriment of himself.  And while it would grate on me, it is part of why I love that man. Even now I'm finding that while I am done with some people- the bottom line is because they love him and give him that, I can be nice.  



But when this is all done- there are big changes that are going to happen.  



When one of Charlies other sisters arrived, she brought her husband.  His Dad introduced us, and he said "I heard all about you." I must have given a look because he quickly followed with, "good things, they were all good." 



And that is how Charlie is, bitches and vents about you to the people that feed off the negative- and then shares what he feels with those he truly trusted. 



It is good/sad that our timing had to be forced instead of us working it out.  But that is life, and one of our friends posted this today and asked me to read it to him:



Would like to say Happy New year to you all, and to my buddy Charlie- party on, and give them hell

01:18 Dec 31 2010
Times Read: 834

So Charlies weak but giving some responses.  When he got hot I went to give him a cool compress.  I retuned to his best friend and another one laughing at me for being clueless. 



Apparently I turned to get a compress and Charlie went to grab my hand. By the time I returned he was starting to settle in and said the cool compress was good.  Keep in mind I'm having to keep it to yes/no type of questions.  He simply is too weak to say much more.



His sister told me that his liver has shut down and when the kidneys go it will be the end of his ride.  Yet I still don't see the illness- I see a broken body that is trying to keep me from seeing his spirit.  And that spirit still makes my soul sing. 

Let the inner red head out
19:54 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 842

So one of Charlies older friends, who is a stage 3 Cancer survivor came by this am. I told her a bit of what has been going on as she knows him and has strong oppinions about what she herself went through. She told me to let the inner red head out- and I think there are somethings I simply need to do and now.



Make no mistake, we all know the reality- however where there is breath there still is life.



Now it's about not talking about what we want to do- but doing it. I told Charlie this am it figures that he choose this winter to be away from the weather. First over 3 feet of snow, now it is melting as we are in positive tempetures for next few days. Which means the snow will melt and then when it drops again, everything will freeze.



I don't know how long I will stay at the hospital tonight, as I'm treating one client today with similar expected outcome as Charlie, and another who is grieving her father. I am grateful for this, but when I saw Charlie's step-mom and Dad today, she commented that I seem exhausted.



I have been sleeping- and eating, still this is having physical affects on me. Such as a sterling silver ring that I have not taken off in 4 years has tarnished while I wore it overnight. At first it was rose coloured now it is going more to the blue/black. This happened I want to say two/three days ago, but at this point I just don't know.

13:49 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 851

I'm forgetting pieces and I simply can't do that.



Christmas eve I was in the hospital room with just Charlie and his step-mom and Dad.  The dr came in and before I could get up Charlie said "this is my very good friend" indicating I should stay. 



What happened next broke my heart.  I watched the Dr tell him no hope and no treatment.  Maybe this was Thursday, I just don't know.  What I will never forget is his face as that news simply tore at him.



It was such a horrid moment and the next thing I knew his step-mom took his dad so we could have a moment. While I had been holding his hand since the dr had left, I saw this man who shielded me from as much hurt as he could- simply crumble.  Needless to say I hugged him.



A coulple of days later, his Dad, step-mom and I were sitting in the room and he introduced me to his Dad- maybe it was this morning but before the Dr came in. 



Charlie said, "Ann this is my Dad.  Dad this is the Ann I'm always talking about".  It was an awkward moment, as all I could think then was, "captain obvious- here's your sign. Or would you prefer a billboard with that". 



I wish we had ways to keep memories like this clear, I don't want to lose them.  They seem jumbled.



Last night was hard- as while he was "sleeping" he was responding.  At one point he turned away from me.  The nurse came in to give him his rx and he became more responsive for a few. But I also know he is still fighting, and hearing from me what I needed to say did not make things easier.  



But I also told him that I'm selfish with him, I always have been.  I'm torn between canceling work and going. Right now I'm simply lost.  But I can't seem to stop believing in you.

08:33 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 870

My version of goodbye



I know what I'm going to say is probably going to annoy you and might even piss you off.  But I have to say it-



Charlie I am so damn proud of you.  You have simply amazed me, and it is my honor to call you friend.  I know that people have been on me about my wanting miracles, but you know we've had several. 



The first is all the outpouring of love.  Your family and friends have both humbled me and impressed upon me how much they love you.  Two weeks ago when I came to see you, you were so weak and seemed so tired.  You used the love and energy from everyone and made yourself stronger than the Dr.s thought possible.



The second was how you gave death the middle finger.  They said the time was then and you said hell no. You have made this the ride of your life and on your terms.



Now it is time for you to use that huge heart of yours and fly.  Just like when you come around a turn on your bike you can't think about it- you've got to feel it and lean into it.  There is no room for hesitation or thought, just action.



I am so grateful that you gave me these past few weeks and month.  What I have seen has changed me and brought me some new friends.  Rhiannon is a bright and shining star, Bill and Michelle have some of the biggest hearts I've seen, Cameron was amusing with how he wanted to show you his plans for his house and he showed me much of the work that you had helped with (and told me about).  Calvin, well he's just a character- over all I'm humbled by these people and their outpouring of love and support for you. 



*laughing* your sister just poked her head in here and said, "don't you be making any babies now"...



Charlie your friendship has been one of the single most important ones of my life.  You encouraged me to be a better person, you made me want to keep improving more as often your views were so different from my own- but dammit I can't help but feel I left you down.  No matter what the outcome- I'm not done with you yet.  How can I be?  When you were the one I trusted to keep me straight.



I know I frustrated you, but you frustrated me. And now I just cant help but feel we fucked things up although we did alright.  See I can't deal with you not being ok with me.



I don't know what to do.  I'm not certain if I can stay here anymore because I simply didn't see this and this changes everything.  This is not what I saw, and so I just don't know.



But it's time to not be afraid, can you feel my heart?  You and I think way too much, now you need to use that big heart of yours and give death double middle fingers.  Full throttle my friend, gas it till you fucking fly, I still believe in you.



I am so sorry I couldn't get you to see what I saw in you.  Hopefully you saw it with all the friend and family here.  I'm sorry I failed in getting you to see just how awesome you are that such an amazing community would come to celebrate.



Finish your race my friend we are all here cheering for you, give them the double bird and fucking fly.

05:27 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 884

So I might be heading to hospital soon. Charlies best friend is taking this hard, we all are. And they have now said hours... I'm waiting to hear back from him once he talks to family- but I'm starting to get that rumble in the gut saying go...



Starting to- it hasn't hit yet but I think I will soon be heading that way.

01:33 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 898

Mothers *sigh*



So my mother thinks I need to go back tonight. I'm going to message his best friend and leave choice to him as I am honestly numb.



grant me the strength

01:01 Dec 30 2010
Times Read: 908

I should have known that my belief in this man would tear me apart like this since just our friendship was so transformative in its nature.



This is so much harder than I expected.

22:16 Dec 29 2010
Times Read: 913

So unless I'm called I'm home for the night as there are plenty if people going in and out of his room today.



Earlier I sat with him for about an hour while he slept and let his sister take a break.  Two of his friends picked me up and we just chatted as he was "masked" when we first got in (lines really pronounced on forehead) and as we chatted we'd get an eyebrow wiggle  or a movement.



I had a client today so I left to work some an when I came back Dr and family were meeting and going over things.  So we didn't go back till over an hour later.  When we went in, I took his hand and he woke enough he tried to "wake himself" but I told him to rest, his friend said hi and a quick jab and then we left the room.  



After an hour of chatting we went back down and he had other visitors- so I quickly gave his hand a squeeze and said "see you later sleeping beauty".



Now I'm tired- am going to take nap -and then get some house work done. 

18:49 Dec 29 2010
Times Read: 925

We are down to hours, maybe a day.



Charlie fell asleep last night at around 3 after being sick for so long- and then this am His jaundice was far more pronounced. When we got there he was fast asleep, and potentially he will stay that way.



I'm still thinking of him- I'm trying... Yes I know, and you have succeeded.

14:53 Dec 29 2010
Times Read: 936

For the sneaky creeper on my facebook... Yup I still believe, now you need remember.



Yes it is a cryptic message at best- but last night Charlie admitted he's been creeping my facebook and I'm sure many other peoples facebooks.



What do I mean by sending something like this? I don't know- but I do know our conversations regarding spirit and magic. I also know that there are things he did not share with me- and well the message seemed right.



As my spirit says soon.



Perhaps he starts a new dream.



Perhaps he starts a painful road to recovery.



I have no fucking clue- but knowing Charlie it will be yet another option just as valid that I simply don't see.  That would be so typical of him.



My guess is that last night went just as poor as the day before- so I'm having his friends from out of town pick me up so I can start to "prep" them for the illness as at this point if you leave room for every time- you will not visit with him.  



It is constant- and it fucking sucks- beyond what I can explain.  

04:10 Dec 29 2010
Times Read: 948

Shitty day for Charlie, as he spent it ill all night and day.



However the big issue is family wants short visits (understandable) but are not being consistent with it. Tonight I've spent most time in waiting area as I got a few minutes to say what I wanted... 



And that is it is his race- not ours- his terms.  I also mentioned that miracles would be called treatment if we understood them. And to lead with his heart. 



Aside from that- this is out of everyones hands.  Although holy crap the man has patience, cause I'm this all over the place with only 2 weeks of this o.O



I had his best friend talk to him alone tonight, that way he's at least able to say what he wants.  But I have to say everyone has their perceptions at this point, and I am working off mine.



Before I left today I looked him right in the eye and asked, "we good?"



"yup"



"see you tomorrow?"



"sure"



"then give me your hand"



Namaste motherfuckers!  We are ready for this ride, and baby it's epic!

16:50 Dec 28 2010
Times Read: 968

Dear Charlie,



When you read this, I hope you will understand and forgive me. I came so damn close to forgetting, and falling into what others would have me say or do. My fear had simply gotten the better of me, simply because there was no one else that knows.



Then Wendy came, and yesterday told me she had to leave as I was too wrapped up in this and frankly was draining her too much. She also reminded me to honor what I know. She also encouraged me to do the one thing that is not my place, to say "ok". No it is not ok- it hasn't been for some time. That said, it is not over and what I know is:



I've been told something is impossible that I've later gone out and done.



I know that if I had listened to them- we would not have met.



And I know that this is your battle, so I have to step back and let you fight it. Yet I also know, that you need me to be strong- as right now no one else knows.



How? I have no fucking clue- but like everything else we'll take what we can do what we need- then re-evaluate once we know what is next. Will I faulter again?



Probably.



But the spirit whispers to me, "watch and wait. stay strong and be there..."



So I say again, I've got your back and I do believe in you.

04:19 Dec 28 2010
Times Read: 975

Thank god for best friends not afraid to metaphoracially and physically kick your ass.



My freak out today has been rectified, and tonights visit with Charlie went exceedingly well.



Now it's bed time- lord knows I need the sleep.

20:19 Dec 27 2010
Times Read: 985

palliative care.



I knew this was coming as his body is simply so frail.  However seeing his spirit so strong gladdens me.



Last week we didn't have that.  And for that I am so grateful.  Still today it is hitting me hard.  When I left I again asked if I could visit tonight- he say yes. And I told him to remember love.  He said he's trying- and I know how much pain he's been in and is in. 



I feel bad, my friend is having to leave because my energy is so messed up, and in truth a part if me hasn't left that hospital room since he entered it. Still that she was willing to stay so long means a bunch as she says- she is used to taking small bits and disposing of it. And this- well this is a mother load. 



She's also warning me that I am going  to be a mess after all this. Lol captain understatement has arrived! *sigh*

10:45 Dec 27 2010
Times Read: 993

Some people might wonder why I'm writing so much here:



Timeline



I don't want to forget anything, and it seems important to remember.  This past week?! I can't begin to place where/when- and I want to burn them into my memory.



See he's given me everything I asked for- I wanted us to go back to where we were- and he's done that and more.



Last night we were talking about boobies and our friend and I were joking that we'd jello fight for him, then shower after lol.  Well after she came in with, "I'm staying tonight, and I expect to get lucky"... You should have seen his face- lol!  But we got on the topic of taping boobies for looking good- and I showed her the dress I made for a friends wedding that I've posted on facebook.



She complimented me on it- and I went into the frustrations of making it.  Firstly I've never worn or made a satin dress, secondly it was stretch satin and cut on a bias. Which meant that I was in pasty bra (aka boobs were taped) and thong with dress.  I had been uncomfortable as it was less than some nightgowns I own, and when I made it I had expected to be able to wear support shorts to smooth out some of my bum lines. Um that did not work as it made the dress hold lines and wow- I've never felt so "exposed" being fully clothed.  



So the three of us talked a bit about this- as our friend is not self conscious- and obviously I am.  What brought on the discussion though was Charlie reminding me when complimented to just say thank you.  Which I did- but then explained to her and he why I diverted.  It was another instance where we are both being patient when normally we would push at each other.



I also explained to both of them why I call him Charlie here- it is my journal.  Which means it is my take on things.  Yes there are those here who know Charlie and myself well enough to know who each of us truly are, but unless we choose to say- it gives us the option of privacy to an extent.  At least he can have that.  



I'm trying to get a bit more sleep but I'm getting antsy as yesterday I spent most of the day in bed. I think I might head over to hospital as it will give me something to do if I don't dose off for a fee more.



See I get the feeling there was more he wanted to say- and I know I had more I wanted to say myself... But I need to rest when I can as this week is far from over. 

04:25 Dec 27 2010
Times Read: 997

So they've changed Charlies meds, and today was apparently a very emotional day for him.  When his best friend and I got there he was alone.  Sadly he started to get sick shortly after I arrived and all the nurses were in their start of rotation meeting.  So helped him by measuring and disposing of tge sickness and then helped after the nurse left, with the clean up.  



I was a bit nervous that no one was there with him- until about an hour later a mutual friend showed up as his sister called her to stay.  I'm so grateful that she's staying with him as she is the one that says love heals all.



And while the odds are against physical healing, I still believe- and more importantly I still want the emotional and spiritual as well. 



When I said my goodbye, I asked Charlie if it was ok for a visit tomorrow- and he apologized for how tonight went.  I told him this is how these things go, and I'd see him in the morning.  



It kills me when I see him like this.  Feeling frail and run down- a part of me simply wants to wave a magic wand and take it all away- and I know it can't happen. I don't mind caring or him, I'm not squeamish that way, I just know how badly he wanted to shield me from this. 



But the truth is, there is no way to do that.  No matter what I am irrevocably changed- and I prefer to be exactly where I am.



Ironically, after four months- my pilot friend choose to contact me tonight while I was with Charlie for a booty call.  While the thought of physical comfort I cant deny is tempting, I told him there is no way at this point- even knowing Charlie is not in any condition... I simply could never do that to him.  Even in the summer when things were bad with Charlie, I didn't like the nature of the relationship with pilot boy.  I accept and understand why I went for it- but now that seems like ages ago. The reasons were worked through and now- I don't regret, but am a bit saddened that I went through with it.  



It's complex, simple and was a learning tool.  When I told him where I was, all he could say is that I sounded like a good friend.



I try, but I know I fail quite often.

22:00 Dec 26 2010
Times Read: 1,005

Yesterday was a good day, although it started with a night terror for me.  In my dream I was in bed and unable to sit up.  It was as if my body simply was too weak and worn to move.  Then my heart started to pound so hard and fast that I could not breath.  I tried calling out to my friend Wendy in the next room, but my throat was so dry and caked no sound would release. The dream seemed to last hours, not the minutes that it was- but it was more than enough.



When I had control I texted Charlie, and then tried to get back to sleep.  Once I finally did wake I took my time as I told Charlie I was going to "wash that dream away" and then visit.



I got to the hospital right as the "hordes" started to distend on the room.  It was good.  One friend brought him a tree, another a stuffed Christmas stocking, and others brought their wit and love.  At one point, one of Charlies friends who I kid you not is just like my brother (to the extent that when I met him I hit him upside the head and then was mortified) started picking on me with my best friend... :-/



It was fun pure and simple- when it was getting to be too much my best friend took me and we headed home to make ham and watch movies. While the Ham cooked I napped and just finally felt myself decompress.



Later Charlies best friend and I headed back to the hospital for another visit.  The night watch keeps flirting with him so I gave him grief for not staying and talking to her since I was more focused on getting to see Charlie. Lol



Was a calm visit with Charlie and his Dad and sisters.  I told Charlie a bit about what I put out and he even responded to some of the more awesome things.  I also explained that while I don't consider myself religious any more, I appreciate the positive energy and love that prayer gives.  In all of this, I find I am going away from words- and leaning more on the essence of the words: love.



We left last night as Charlie kept trying to talk to us, even though he was literally falling asleep on us.  When I hugged him goodbye he said, "I'll see you tomorrow". 



I guess that answers the question is he ok with us visiting.  



Today I woke to some texts from Charlie, and have had a good day laying around, again watching videos and being LAZY!  I'm getting up the energy to go shower- but I cant explain, with the responses from yesterday-



A shift has happened.  Maybe it is just me, but with all of the reassurances and love of the last week- I can't help but hope that others are as touched with a sense if grace- no matter how small it is.  



Because I do believe in what we all share, and too many people I care about are in extreme instances of suffering.



I can't help but go back to that night where Charlie broke my heart by asking how he could do this.



Love Charlie, love is how we do this.



And each of us are holders of this love- the question is, do we find it important enough to share and express?  I for one now fully understand this, and yes, it is that important.  



It is the only real thing we have. 

21:08 Dec 25 2010
Times Read: 1,031

I am humbled by the responses so far today.  They remind me of what is important, and that was sorely needed.  Even those who were against what I wrote- brought a much needed perspective for me.



While this is not Charlies "thing", it is mine and if I am to truly be me- then I need to do for me in how I send positive energy. Just as he does for me in his way.



As for people saying VR is just a web site, I beg to differ.  It is real people with real lives and whole helping of amazing added into it.



I believe



And I am grateful for the power of YOU.  



This is bigger than anyone of us, if we let it, the tide will guide us to the shore.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Messaged in Facebook
09:43 Dec 25 2010
Times Read: 1,042

I messaged the following in facebook so not to offend any of Charlies friends who are saying I'm beind inappropriate, seeking attention, and i havent known him long enough to know what he wants. I changed my kismet here and hope you will consider the same.



Thoughts are things- and i think we all can use more positivity in our lives.





What is a miracle?  It is something that goes beyond words, logic and reason.  It is a baby's first laugh, the beauty of the first snowfall, telling someone you love them and meaning it with body and soul.  



Recently I have been criticized for asking for this, that my faith is offensive to those who see no hope.  



But where there is spirit, life and love- that is the recipe for miracles.  



We do not always get them in the manner that we ask, but I also believe if we do not ask, we will not receive any.  



Today I ask you my friend to change your status to: "I believe" if you have seen, had or wish for a miracle.  All of us need reminders of the greatness of spirit, and such a small movement can touch the spirit of your other friends.  



It is in our darkest moments that we truly need each other- and need to remember that during the holiday, it is the love we express and share that opens us to what can be described as magical. 



I would argue it is just another expression love takes when allowed freedom to shine.  



If you feel the want/desire to pass this on, I would be honored, as my spirit is tired yet deep down I know...  I believe.

05:13 Dec 25 2010
Times Read: 1,046

Today I spent most of the day away from the hospital as i needed a break and one of my good friends is here for the week.  When I finally got to the hospital, Charlie was resting and his Dad and sisters were there so I waited in the different waiting areas until I felt I should head home for my guest.



When I went to the room to say o should go- he said, "you were supposed to just come in."



"I don't have ESP"



Looking and pointing at Dad and sister, "bad ESP"



Overall it was very pleasant visit.  Before I went in I was able to say again to sisters and his Dad, if I'm in way or Charlie doesn't want me here, tell me and I'll go.  Also that if they need help etc I'm more than willing.



Was nice to hear I'm right and he wants to fight and his Dad and sisters fully support him on this. As long as I'm good with Charlie and his family- then I simply don't care what others think.



I also told him, "FYI- you quote Princess Bride to me, then I expect one big fucking fairytale ending."



Now all we need is some miracle from an unknown source. *sigh*

18:37 Dec 24 2010
Times Read: 1,063

So it seems my list of "opponents" has grown.  Yesterday after Charlie got the news his sisters, step mom and I were talking and his caregiver came in.  They asked me directly what he wants in this and my thoughts about it in front of her.



{backstory} His caregiver has been in love with him since high school, and is very possessive about her friendship with him.  He knows she's still in love with him and in truth he truly loves her as a dear friend. But she has what she wants clouding this. She thinks false hope is bad and he should just go.{/backstory}



That is NOT how he lived his life.



And until he tells me different- I will continue to tell the family what he says to me, and what I think.



Make no mistake it fucking hurts to see him like this, but what other expression can I give to him except watching his back and setting things up as he wants them done.



Last night I retuned right after work to find him surrounded by friends with mouth full of chocolate Wendy and I bought laughing.  I told him I was there to do a treatment if he wanted with the vibrational tools I use.  The nurse came in and we all left to see where he was.  



His caregiver said he was tired I should just go, in fact she had been trying to get me to go home since I arrived.  I said no worries but I wanted to say goodbye as I waited all that time to see him.



Well then. 



I went in and said I was going as I was told he wanted to rest. He was instantly irritated, and then informed me that the idea was for them to go so he could rest AND have a treatment.



Just when I think I know who to trust, another turn like this happens.  Right now- Charlie and his best friend are the only ones I fully trust in this.  



I took this am off- and am going back this afternoon for a little then will spend time with Wendy and go back after hours for a few.



Lordy, what I thought was just a battle for life- is an epic battle of life, spirit and emotions.



To say I sometimes feel like I'm watching a movie- is an understatement.  Deja vu seems to be my constant right now.



I believe: miracles, magic and YOU.

20:48 Dec 23 2010
Times Read: 1,103

It seems my spiritual battle continues and I must outlet here due to nature of the attacks on Facebook.



I was asked last night to stay over in the hospital room with Charlie. He had a very good night. It started out with not so deep sleep, as he gets into states where he dream/remembers past things. By about 4am he fell into one of the deepest sleeps I've seen in a while.



When I got up to check on him at one point I almost fell off my chair, and when he inquired I told him that. He replied, "Do it again so I can see".



"Jerk, you just want to laugh at me when I fall on my ass."



"Yup"



When he woke up his anxiety was starting to creep up, so I held his hand as we waited for the nurse to bring him his meds. Once the meds started to take effect, I went for a quick coffee and some timbits (which he ate his right away).



After a bit, his step-mother came over to relieve me of duty and the three of us talked a bit. While this was going on, his Dr. came in to tell him basically there is no hope, and no further treatment.



All he asked for was, "something to focus on".



It fucking broke my heart to watch him there, knowing he was fully taking on the news and what it meant. So we sat there for a few and I held his hand, and then hugged him. A mutual friend texted him so he had me read his response to her, and then had me call her for him- right as his dad and sister came into the room. She and I talked a bit, but then I let her talk to him.



After a bit of the fiasco, he and I talked about having me try to do some pain relief for him as he's really uncomfortable. So we agreed when I go back today I will do a treatment and then from there I plan to go home and sleep and then start to get my house in order for my friend to come stay with me.



I had another break today as I asked his sister and step-mother to tell me if Charlie doesn't want me around, and/or if my being around bothers them. This is about him and HIS family. I hate that I have to let them know about the views of me "making this all about me and my wanting attention".



Goddamnit. Is it truly too much to ask for a man to have WHATEVER it is he wishes when this is his last race?



So after yet again, another break down in front of his family- I went to tell Charlie goodbye, and that if it was ok with him I'd see him after work for him.



"As you wish, only I'm not rolling down the hill."



"Awww" pause a moment so that I don't cry, "That's a good thing, cause then I'd have to kick your ass."



I couldn't even walk the length of the hall before I was bawling. Sadly I went back into the room where his family was so I could gather composure as all semblance of it was gone. His family urged me to cancel my clients today; especially considering my first one is the client that had a cancerous tumor similar to Charlie’s that the doctors took several months to diagnose.



This is so fucking hard, and all I want is for him to have what he wants. Even though I hate what he's going through... it is literally tearing me apart.

06:43 Dec 23 2010
Times Read: 1,116

So the issue today is someone posted on facebook how we should give Charlie permission to "give up" as he's holding on because we give him false hope.  Then said person gave his sister the same note.



I fucking lost it.



First Charlie said blaze of fucking glory, and he was mad at me when I cried when he told me the diagnosis.  I was one of the first people he told.  I promised way before that, that I would watch him race, as he was disappointed no one ever watched.



Like I told him yesterday, I had expected that it would be motorcycle or bike race- no this.  He said he thought the same.  But I vowed when he said that, I WOULD be there and I would cheer him- and goddamn it I am going to.



I just posted this on that horrid facebook note: 



"Each one of us is dealing with this the way we need to.  What is required is some grace and compassion for each other as we each approach this the way we need to.  First and foremost this is about what Garry wants and needs.  He said to me "guns blazing"-so I will cheer him with every ounce of energy and every fiber of my being as that is what he said he wanted me to do.



Am I not seeing the entire picture- don't fool yourself.  The battle he fights just starts at the physical and includes emotional and spiritual.  There are multiple levels of healing to be had. While I might want all three, I will hold his back and cheer him until I am forced to grieve.  



BUT until then I stand strong in what he asked me to do even when all I want to do is cry.  I promised him way back I wouldn't do that- so until he dictates different I will do as he asked."



His sisters requested that I watch him alone tonight, so I'm making certain he has a restful sleep, and since he's heavily medicated he occasionally talks to me.  Just a little bit ago he said, "I never intended for you to see me this way".



I know Charlie, I knew all along that's why I was pushed out.  But you asked me back- and I've got your back and watch it because I'm going to cheer you until my breath is gone.

23:06 Dec 22 2010
Times Read: 1,131

Today  I am feeling emotionally awkward and stupid. I let someone else's thoughts and feelings get to me.  I know better, truly I do- but I am so ashamed of what happened that I want to go home because I feel like I let Charlie down.



I know I will not go, but I can't seem to hold back the remorse of my actions. His family are wonderful people and I am so very sorry that I created such an instance.  I KNOW better damn it. 



Yet I will continue to follow my gut and try to be patient both with myself and others.  This is NOT about me, this is about HIM.  



Breath.



Remember.



Be still.



I can't deny how hard this is.  Yet I simply won't give up on him.  While physically we may loose him- that is not the part I fret over the most.  It is his spirit.  This battle goes beyond the physical, to the emotional and spiritual realms.  And he shared things with me that until my spirit says "done" I will continue to share as that is why I feel I'm here. 



There is more, plans I'm working on and things that have been going through my mind for months.  Almost time- but then again I watch and wait for the next sign, that is all I can do.



And pray for the ability to remember as I am fractured into so many pieces.  My response to those who have been encouraging him to let go and not be in pain anymore is this:



There are some things that when said people hear only what my words say; what they miss is exactly what you saw and we shared.  That is the reason I believe, because you believed in me first.  



This community of love, has made bonds that are in themselves a miracle.  And love heals all.  I still believe.



I will continue to believe, because he told me he wanted to go in a blaze of glory- and that means no matter how hard or painful, I here to watch and cheer him on.



Magic, miracles and the power of YOU. 

13:47 Dec 22 2010
Times Read: 1,146

A very wise friend wrote me last night, and she said, "love can heal". And it struck me how Charlie has not believed he has had this, more importantly he has not felt he deserved it. When I was alone with him and he was sleeping, I started to talk to him.



I told him of what I've seen, and how this is not it. I told him what I saw, and that he would win this race. I knew he heard me when he asked how. That one word both confirmed and my thoughts and broke my heart. I told him love, he needs to use love as a shield and his sword. His family loves him so very much, his amazing friends that have humbled me in this- all of us love this man. Now he simply need to feel it.



I pray that everyone who is able send Charlie their thought, energy or prayers, that no matter what he KNOWS that he is loved to his core and he can feel that magic.



I believe in miracles, magic and YOU.

23:10 Dec 21 2010
Times Read: 1,157

It simply breaks my heart to see him like this- yet he keeps fighting on.



I believe...

20:02 Dec 21 2010
Times Read: 1,162

I had a dream last night where I found a way to change everything- where there seemed to be no limits to what we can do.



Then it hit me, I will have to ask Charlie's family for something he simply will not. It is something only I know about- and there is no one else. I will ask his permission, but since I thought about it, I know it has to be asked.



Funny thing is our mutual friend (she is an ANGEL) put up with and gave me a good dose of sensibility today. With everyone and the drama (really there is no way around it) and even trying to find understanding with grace and compassion... her words reminded me of what/why I need to do as I'm doing. I am not wrong in this- I just hate the circumstances beyond words can express.



I'm also finding comfort from what some might find a strange place. "Never give up, never surrender!" ~Galaxy Quest



"There is no gene for the human spirit" ~ Gattaca

Cookie Monster
00:24 Dec 21 2010
Times Read: 1,177

So my friend in Seattle sent sugar cookies to me. She does this four times a year: Christmas, Easter, st. Patties and Halloween. They arrived today, and so since I won't eat many of them, it has been my tradition to give them to Charlie.



Let me tell you, he saw me pass the tin to a friend and said, "what's in there?" I told him the sugar cookies from Seattle that he likes, and then stepped out of the room because he is over whelmed with too many people in the room.



When I returned the tin was in his lap, drink next to it and he was still happily munching the cookies. Then he picked the tin up And set it further down. I asked him if he was done and he said, "yes" with a small spray of cookie. I can't express how glad it made my heart to see him and his enthusiasm, even if for that quick moment. Add to the mix he had not eaten yet today, and I can't express my gratitude.

17:22 Dec 20 2010
Times Read: 1,185

I spent the night in the hospital last night. I figured his sister who he's alway trying to protect was staying for the fourth night since Thursday pm, and I know she jumps if he moves unless she knows someone is there. I also know how I would be in her position, and I wouldn't take breaks when needed or look out for myself.



So I set up my DVD player in the waiting area so she could watch some firefly- and have a mental break from the situation. Charlie woke briefly to get some water, look at me like "what/why" and then went back to sleep. When his sister came back she had me take the big comfy chair and she would "watch". After about 20 min I figured I had humored her enough and gave it back to her. Good thing as she slept almost 3 hrs and funny thing- I knew she was because I could hear her snore. When Charlie woke with a pain and needed some assistance I let her know why I was there just so he didn't start bitching about "there can't be a comfortable place" or whatever other reason he could think of. His only response was, "you two are weird". Lol typical line from him.



Later when the nurse ended up changing his gown and such I stepped out as even though he's so very weak- I refuse to take his pride from him, especially now. I know some may not understand this, but while he has shown me more than many, he also has done it on his terms- not a nurse making that choice. If he must suffer like this then I want him to keep as much of himself as possible.



We had one other time when he woke and had to move to get comfortable where he said, "Ann you're awfully quiet"... Umm yeah Mr. You're supposed to be asleep. He is fighting the good fight, his breathing is not as labored and he's sleeping more and we're taking vigil into a quiet room while he sleeps. I just can't see him this way. I know he's sick, but when I look at him there is no pity there, because I see him as he always has been. I can see of course the physical changes- but that is not him. I'm poor with words right now but I simply see him.

09:14 Dec 19 2010
Times Read: 1,213

I keep trying to sleep, but I simply can't. All that keeps going through my head is today. There was so much said, and so many people I met from all of his stories. Meeting his dad was hard, because we've talked together about him so much, and I know how much he loves him. And from the response my name brought, it seems he's heard about me. I know his sister said they would know my name, but of you know Charlie- he has a "look" that he gives when he is startled/surprised. Seeing that look on his Dads face after saying my name would have been humorous, except for the circumstances. I need to eat better tomorrow, but I'm just not tasting anything- it all is cardboard or chalky. Still I'm no good where I'm at. I woke tonight at midnight, 2, 3, and here I'm writing this at 4am. We left tonight at 10, I'm hoping he got more rest tonight as today will be another busy day. It is wonderful seeing all of these people who he truly cared about come through. He had 35 visitors today not including his family.



There is a saying among those of us that know Charlie well- "he's got a horseshoe up his ass" as he's always seem to have that last minute luck. I mentioned to his dad, that at least the surgeons list of things removed did NOT include a horseshoe.. If anyone can- he can, but only if he will be ok with what it means... I just don't know. Then again I'm so very selfish in this.



I believe in magic, miracles and YOU.

21:04 Dec 18 2010
Times Read: 1,227

I'm currently at work for the one client I have today. I know I'm canceling most of next week. Since we are in the final vigil I will remain at the hospital as long as needed.



It was hard this morning to spend so much time with Charlie's sister. At the same point it was reassuring. When the morning group left I went in for a short visit with him until he asked us to leave. When he got that point I thought I would go back and wait in the waiting room but his sister insisted I go sit with him as she said, "he's told me all about you".



Frankly I can't express what is going on fully- I knew what he felt, as when you know someone you know how they act and what they do for their defense. But to get it from his sister is entirely different than just getting it from his best friend. So I was able to sit with him while he slept- and thankfully he did sleep for 2 hours.



Right before I had to leave for work- he had woken, but the afternoon group of people came- so I put my coat on and told him I'd see him later, since he said we got too short of a visit. I plan on staying as long as possible once I leave here. Before I was able to leave, he said, "now that is the worst way to do a scarf, if you leave it like that the cold will get on your neck and go down your coat and chill you".



*sigh* some things just never change

16:05 Dec 18 2010
Times Read: 1,242

So now we wait. Currently I'm in the hospital waiting room as when I got here there were already many people. I simply can't deal with people I haven't met yet and this. So I'm sitting here wishing in a sick sense that it was like the day we went to the police station and he just sat there with me while I felt like this. Calmly asking the questions I was too upset to ask and hugging me when I needed it.



I completely understand the temptation of doing anything to change this... Dear god I would...



I believe in magic and miracles.

13:13 Dec 18 2010
Times Read: 1,249

Science is not limited by what it knows, but what it doesn't know.  In the same manner natural medicines use nature for inspiration but at times are blind to the wonderful complexity of science. The rest... Is magic.



Dear God Please...

22:33 Dec 17 2010
Times Read: 1,276

Is it wrong that I'm frustrated at all the childish immature behavior I'm now seeing? I was done with you all previously, but now- I see a complete severing of this "friendship". I will not say anything due to the nature of what is happening, but I have lost ALL respect for you.



That you mean something to Charlie is the only reason I am willing to be cordial to you. And for him I will remain so- but never assume that means you are a friend. You are an acquaintance and not one that I respect at all. This type of selfishness is something I can't deal with in my day to day life and frankly life is far too short for me to keep it in my vicinity.



Add to the mix my anger that I am still trying to get out of my person. I will eventually forgive you for your part in getting between Charlie and I, but I will NEVER forget what you were so willing to do at the detriment of two people you professed to call friend.



I can't describe the emotions I'm going through right now. One moment I’m fine and the next I’m in complete tears. There is no description to what I want to do. Part of me wants to lash out, the other part knows I need to take care of myself. Then looking at everything I am grateful for this last month, and while I knew it was a bad sign Charlie brought me back, I also knew deep down what it meant. This is changing me more than I can express, and still there is more to come. Now it is time for me to acknowledge my feelings let them run a quick course and then be there for what Charlie wants/needs. To say that I would change places, is an understatement- I would fucking take his place in an instant. But that is not something I’m able to do, so instead I have to get it through his thick skull what success he has had, and that his life is/does/and will matter.



But I am still so angry. I have to go back to love, and right now that seems impossible.

07:28 Dec 17 2010
Times Read: 1,291

I believe in magic and you...

04:30 Dec 17 2010
Times Read: 1,302

I finally got my mom.



But now it seems I'm going into shock, as no matter what I do I can't get warm or stop shivering.



:-/

02:53 Dec 17 2010
Times Read: 1,307

I just hate that I can't get my mom on the phone right now.



I am so all over the place right now it isn't funny.

02:22 Dec 17 2010
Times Read: 1,309

We are going to lose him.

Gwar Christmas...
19:35 Dec 16 2010
Times Read: 1,316






Now that put some jolly in my Ho Ho Ho! :)

19:13 Dec 16 2010
Times Read: 1,319

Best compliment today: "Your Awesome !! I hope you become a millionaire . cuz you would make an amazing rich person"

:)



And on a side note... DO NOT try to shave while crying in the shower. I definitely do not recommend this... :-/

04:00 Dec 16 2010
Times Read: 1,327


People say that it gets easier, sometimes that is just not the case. As we are tempered by the fires of life, the pain that hones us also gives us strength. But this too has a price, a grace by fragility. Be strong and know that I pray for you."



I received a text from another friend of Charlie's tonight, passing on new information regarding his rooming at the hospital. Seems after our brief exchange today they moved his room. This also started over an hour of texting between myself and a few of his other friends.



It seems most people want to just go back to normal, and view this as not a big deal, while knowing it is. It made me grateful for my upbringing where I was taught by nurses how to still be me, and keep as much "normalcy" in talking/being with the person. While encouraging them to do whatever THEY need. l also remember when my needs are MY priority not the person I care about. Granted I know Charlie is tired of thinking of just himself, and so will keep telling me to take care of myself. That doesn't change that there are times I must rest. I'm looking to work out tomorrow- a light workout and then by the weekend be back to full tilt boogie- but I've simply had to take time and rest and process this past week.



Chores aren't done as well, my house is not ready for the holiday... And I can go on. But I've needed to acknowledge and sit with what I'm feeling, there ismore I will need to process as I get back info my routine... But as it happens I have to get back to me.



This is all out of our hands. At this point even the Dr's aren't fully able to help. I still pray for a miracle everyday, but have to acknowledge that we already had one with how far we've gotten. Still there is faith and hope, and to those I will cling- for in truth at times they are all we truly have.

01:27 Dec 16 2010
Times Read: 1,329

I wanted to do some sewing tonight, but I laid down for a few min, only to just get up in time for bed.



I think I'm a wee bit worn.

21:00 Dec 15 2010
Times Read: 1,348

O

M

F

GAWD!



Seriously, I have been asking for a change in how our pay is done since August. September we did a change that was supposed to make it easier and more timely.



SO WHY AM I SITTING HERE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL TO END SO I CAN GO HOME WITH MONEY?



Just grrr. What really boils my noodle is I have brought this up each and every pay since september and my poor boss is getting tired of it. Seriously this is NOT brain surgery- it is payroll. Not that difficult.



:-/

20:32 Dec 15 2010
Times Read: 1,351


Days go by I'm hypnotized

I'm walking on a wire

I close my eyes and fly out of my mind

Into the fire

18:46 Dec 15 2010
Times Read: 1,360

Oh how you aggravate me! It seems no matter how sick you are, how much you hurt- you will still tell me to not take risks and be careful. What can I say to that? Aside from a *smack* in the head?



But it does lighten things and brighten my day. I might even be smiling under this frustration...



just a little...



maybe ;)



I aim to misbehave!

17:03 Dec 15 2010
Times Read: 1,367

I was doing so well- till my conversation with mom and charlies best friend.



Now I can't seem to sit still and trust- that's the thing about a leap of faith...



You don't have anything else but faith.



No rhyme or reason, forget logic, and heaven forbid you talk to someone without it.



*sigh*

15:21 Dec 15 2010
Times Read: 1,374

Another foot of snow overnight .



Today mother nature, I salute you with both middle fingers.



And for you, I say a prayer. There is still so much to come. Our fate, simply unfolds... How we face it, that is up to us. So I pray for your strength and that you rest for there is much to be done.

09:54 Dec 15 2010
Times Read: 1,385

I just got off the phone with Charlies best friend. I woke at 2:20 and checked my phone to see he had texted me earlier.



It is hard because all of us are processing what we need, and how Charlie is with what Charlie needs. It comes down to perspective. Those of us working consciously to acknowledge our wants, seem to be doing a bit better than the rest with the state of things.



Others are not seeing past what they want, and thus are making the situation much more difficult. To be plain, I am aware of where what I want from Charlie is different than what he needs. My need is simple: to be there.



I also had long conversation tonight with my mother that confirmed what I suspected before- we are in uncharted territory. The surgeons she works with were astounded that Charlie is alive, and that he's done as well as he has. Granted these past 3 weeks have been bad. But he's already successful in that he lives.



It was a hard conversation, as a part of her knows this path is hard. And in fact I can't say it isn't, except I can say when it is easy. When it is the love I focus on. It has brought to mind chorinthians 13. Now I choose not to define my love of Charlie beyond friend- but to say there isn't love is stupid after all we have gone through. Yet there is that truth, love makes this easy. When my fear of loss, hurt and other negative behaviors/emotions start, I go back to love- and the rest falls away. Granted it takes time for me to get there at times, and I still want to scream- but once I'm there, it is not a struggle to do what he needs, or to take care of myself because I know and trust in the path I saw months/years ago. We are where we belong, and will be ok. Now my personal desire in wanting a certain outcome has been shaken this past week to the core.



I have to let that go- because it will be what it will, and frankly both ways have valuable lessons for me. But I do not regret learning to live love at the base- beyond reason, hope or understanding.



Because that is where true transformation takes place. And the wealth it gives is far more than to have not ever have had it.

18:59 Dec 14 2010
Times Read: 1,402

Uggg more snow... poopy!



Add to it my other "issue" mentioned earlier this week, and mother nature can kiss my arse... when she's not having me land on mine! o.O



Well a day of sewing and another to follow and slowly I'm starting to finally feel like "me" again... Lordy, I do not like being hormonal. And no it has not happened to me in this extent- Ever. Yuh I know guys love to tease us women about this, but honestly I don't experience it.



Hopefully I can get down to the cause and start it going back to where I'm not "all" over the place. I'm also slowly starting to also remove what I want, from what I expect others to do. Not always successful at it, as damnit I want it now.. but trying to stay open to see when it is that I'm forgetting about the other side of the equasion.



Ok I'm off to tredge in the snow and then home.

22:39 Dec 13 2010
Times Read: 1,410

So toady I've made curtains and an eye cover for Charlie, I'm getting to work on a few dresses and then some Christmas gifts...I think I might make it a late night of sewing just cause I can ;)

02:46 Dec 13 2010
Times Read: 1,419

24 days is not enough and means more stress than I'm aware of...



This does not make me happy. No wonder I'm over the edge. Time for yet another shift in focus.



*sigh*



This TMI moment brought to you by mother nature :-/

01:25 Dec 13 2010
Times Read: 1,430

It has been years since I've been so emotionally exhausted.



I NOT drinking like that again unless in controlled environment. Today and last night were a testament I am on right path- but to open all at once, yeah that's a bad idea. Early bed today...

17:15 Dec 12 2010
Times Read: 1,440

It is not a good day for me. Today all of my fears seem to be insistent on my experiencing them this instant.



I don't really know anything, it's just waves upon waves of emotions that simply insist on my going through them now. Having been a person who learned early on how to compartmentalize, this very well may not be related to anything other than my opening up to feeling again.



Before I did not feel much. A little here and there, but nothing to the extent I should. Now there are times I have to shut down to experience what I'm feeling or it will stop me. Granted I do not have to do it right then, but I do have to do it.



Part of me says this is what is happening as one minute I'm fine, then the next I'm horridly fearful and seem totally lost.



To say the least, it is taxing me and mentally hard.

Tonight the tears won't stop
08:04 Dec 12 2010
Times Read: 1,450

There comes a point where everything lies in perfect balance. Where in an instant fate will determine it all. There is nothing we can do about these moments except hold our breath and whisper a heartfelt:



Please God...

Drunk bowling
05:36 Dec 12 2010
Times Read: 1,460

Is definitely something I want to do again :)

Annie are you ok?
00:40 Dec 11 2010
Times Read: 1,477

Honestly that phrase both from Michael Jackson's smooth criminal and from CPR keeps ringing in my ears.



Yes and no.



I can think of all the cliché’s that exist in what is going on, and I personally am great. I'm having to let go of so many things and watch people I care about go through Hell knowing there ain't shit I can do to help except offer words.



To give a quick overview of the last few weeks:



Charlie is back in the hospital and not doing well.



Charlie's best friend's Dad has just woken from a coma from brain swelling that they thought were headaches a week ago, until the infection caused them to do two operations to drain the brain quite literally.



One of our own here lost her father- being away and not having the means to do anything- sucks monkey balls.



Another friend who I like well enough, lost his mother the same day as Khay's father passed.



My mother has been IGNORING her Dr about iron supplements and so I had to lecture her about how the problems she's are stemming from and made WORSE from her doing this. :-/



Me- I'm finally feeling like my feet are getting firmly planted, I'm headed in the right direction... OH SHIT- what direction is that?! *sigh*



So I'm doing something I know I need to do, but at the same point know I will find balance with. I'm simply not letting these things attach. No matter how much I love and care for all of these people- if I'm not taking care of myself, I will fall apart.



Gods knows the crisis I hit the day of Charlie’s surgery was damn near close to losing everything I've been working for.



So I'm getting better, slowly and certainly. I'm still a little raw with everything else that I haven't mentioned here (sadly yes there is much more than the simplistic entries I've been forced to do on my phone). But I'm having to blaze new ways of outlook and stepping in order for me to be where I need to be.



Damn it's so good, I simply wish more people were along with me for this- although I'm sure in time many will be.

Dear Charlie
15:03 Dec 10 2010
Times Read: 1,490

I just ate the last of the banana bread I made for you. Take the hint and get better.



My ass thanks you.



*sigh* if only it were that simple...

How buttholes occur
14:55 Dec 09 2010
Times Read: 1,512

Cold Canadian morning. You get up and grab more coffee. You return to leather couch thinking you have the "same spot" only to be greeted by a freezing feeling in both cheeks and lower back. Quickly you shift the 3" to where tue leather is still warm and "nestle" in.



*sigh*

14:44 Dec 09 2010
Times Read: 1,515

Something to remember: realization does not equate to action.



Many people know a great deal about themselves. Yet they never change. You can know that you are worth millions, but do you follow through with the actions to live that knowledge?



All I keep seeing around me in my struggle to change is the past two and a half years. I was making good steps towards living the changes- as was Charlie... But now look at us. Days like today I simply want to scream at how unfair, what a waste and there needs to be something else...



Then I hear and see a bigger pattern. I hear how he is being changed in this and while no one deserves this type of pain or suffering- he is living the changes he wanted. He is fighting the good fight. If you praise him for it, he'll say "what other choice is there?."



You have a choice, be thankful for that.

01:27 Dec 09 2010
Times Read: 1,530

So one of my journal entries was deleted :-/



Bloody phone....

16:36 Dec 08 2010
Times Read: 1,548

We are on snow day 3. Not a big deal for most people, except when you realize we never shut down for more than a day due to snow. My city has only gotten 3.5 feet of snow since Sunday night- but it has fallen in such a way that the snow plows simply could not catch up. You know 4" here another 4" two hours later... Just enough to make it seem endless.



Last night we finally started to see some let up from the snow fall- but they still say we'll get another 15-25cm before the day is out:-/



Don't get me wrong, I do love snow- but I was hoping a little closer to Christmas and spread over more time!

04:08 Dec 05 2010
Times Read: 1,568

Death be not proud, though some have callèd thee

Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,

For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,

Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,

Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,

Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.

Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,

And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,

And better than thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,

And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die.

~ John Donne

23:22 Dec 01 2010
Times Read: 1,599

Victimization is something we all have to face at one point or another in our lives. Interestingly enough it was brought to my attention that I was subconsciously applying this type of behaviour with someone I truly care about.



Not because they did something to elicit this response to me, but more because my mother expresses this in how she shows affection. How fucked up is that?



I find this ironic because she did so much to enable me to be a strong independent woman, but when it comes to personal relationships- she taught me the only way to express you care is to be victimized.



o.O



um, no let's not and say we did. Wow. This realization is going to at the least require MUCH of my attention to correct as with stepping forward- I can't just say to this person- no I can't see you because my mother fucked me over... and at the same point I have to create new boundaries with them, so that expressions that were not healthy are left behind and the ones that are- are expanded upon.



Already we've had major steps forward, and for that I'm totally grateful. More than grateful- it brings me a sense of peace and joy that I don't really have words for, the feelings are that deep. In that same breath I say that- we have a lot further we can go with this, and if I don't do my work- it will not succeed.



This year has marked many aspects of loss, most of which I knew were going to happen, but more it has presented the growth I originally sensed prior to my move. For that I am so grateful, and I feel truly blessed. However, the work is truly just starting.



And I can't help but wonder: Am I truly ready?