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*emo tear, sob, sob*



I don't wanna go to work :(



*le cry*



Ok I feel better now...*sigh*

even sitting on the hole is not saving my precious yoga ball... Damn I would have hoped my fat ass would be at least useful in this....

I am sad... my yoga ball has bigass hole in it :(

Today I started work on an area that I have procrastinated for the past year. I can see where this is going to end. Where I will have everything organized and how I want it.



Most important... it is MY stuff. For the first time since college, the only shit I have is mine. Not my mothers, not my grandparents or any other relative. JUST ME. I almost am shocked. I honestly was at a point in Seattle where I was uncertain I would ever be free of stuff.



Now what I have are my metals, awards, newspaper clippings, fabric- oh thank god for the fabric *now I just need the stuff in Seattle :P* my books, and music...and it is a very FREE feeling. It is the stuff I love, and use.



I can't share how estatic this makes me- because I see the end of this. I see where I can have a normal life that is not ruled by what I own. That part of being raised by pack rats- they convince you that you need everything. When you don't.



Only what is beautiful and useful.



Granted I still have MUCH decorating things, hey I do have a theatre major and LOVE to redecorate by the season. It is all things I find beautiful and useful. And all of it is in it's own crates so they are organized and easy to get out and put away.



What a way to prepare for the new year. I feel for once I CAN do this, and will be able to help my mother. YAY!

How do you know "they" are not for you?



1. They do not read your journal * oh yes this is a biggie folks, as if someone wants to know you they WILL read it because they WANT to know.



2. They stop messaging you.



3. They stop asking how you are.



4. They tell you they are a friend and not interested.



5. They make sure that their boundaries are respected, while destroying yours.



6. They put on a smile around you and then "forget" that they were supposed to meet you later.



7. They don't understand where their lack of compassion for you is a problem.



8. It is about them and THEIR feelings.



9. Even when you give your all it is not enough.



10. When you hurt, they do not show up- or leave quickly. When they do show up, they then make you feel guilty for having your own independant feelings.



Pay attention to people's body language, do they lean toward or away from you? Look at what they say to you, are they on your side? Lastly is the feeling you have about YOU or them?



What I mean by this is



DO YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF AROUND THEM?



or



DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING BECAUSE OF THEM?



If you answered yes to either one, move along now. Don't walk- RUN. Why you ask? Because for love to be real it needs to go both ways. Both people need to support each other so when one is down the other is there and vice versa.



When you do not care for yourself, what makes you think you can care for another.



Wait that is the problem. You think that you NEED them to be worth something. If not them, then someone else.



You need YOU.



And let's for one second be honest. We all end up on both sides of this, the one being hurt- and the one hurting. Every coin has two sides. Everyone's shit stinks when it comes to love. What you can do- is wipe, clean up yourself and move forward.



Taky imagry? Yes, because until you find you, you will find EVERY excuse as to why I'm wrong.



But the truth is once you find you- then amazing and beautiful things are possible. Don't rush it, be kind to you. Love you, take you out on your own "dates". And after while the silence will not exist. For you will be making your own music.



I wish that for everyone. Truly, because we all deserve it.

Ok I'm lame, I didn't get 1/4 of the way through my friends list and it was too much to send the individual messages... that and I'm just distracted. SO for the New Year on the Rave I wish you all....





Wishing you a flowing new year!







Hmmm took that too far didn't I? HAHAHAHAHA oh well deal with it!

Because I was thinking over the past 10 years. I have had many thing happen to me over these past 10 years, good and bad. Still the thing that stands out the most to me is the integrity of people.



Surprising that it boils down to this for me. What started with a death in 1996 - ended somewhere around 1998 after approximately 48 people from my family, extended family and church died.



To give a little background, I asked to goto church at the age of 3. When I was 4 I was pulled from that church because the minister's daughter taught me a new word: Bastard.



The summer I turned 5 or 6 (honestly can't remember) my mother sent me to a Salvation Army summer camp. There I found what would be the foundation of my spiritual faith and a second family that I would grow up with .



My church in Seattle ranged between 150-300 members depending on what year you look at. I knew each and everyone of them by name. For over 15 years I would go every Sunday, and on one or two weeknights and often for weekend retreats. Then there was summer camp- I went every year until I turned 20.



So to say these people are family is no stretch for me. I watched them grow up, thier siblings and their influence taught me how to be the woman I wish to be. Both good and bad examples shaped me, allowed me to break molds that I would have otherwise never questioned.



Jump ahead a few years, to a me that was having difficulty in the church. One that wanted not to deal with narrow minded ideals, even though she enjoyed spending time with the people. Basically church was not enough substance, and theology school looked more and more appealing...



*will finish this later*

plz rate back as fairly as i have rated you



Honestly be thankful that I have not. Because the drivel you have would get you a 3 at most from me, and that is only becuase you did put some information about yourself in your profile.



Whatever. If everyone rated what they thought- and REALLY thought, then it would be neat to see the profiles that DO impress others, that have more then just 10s because it is expected. That is not what happens here, not anymore... so I just have to say idealist suck.. because they rate off the ideal, not the reality :P

So I wrote before about how my puppy was chewing on himself.



I finally found one of those "Elizabeth collars" to prevent him from chewing. Now he's walking around banging on things, my roomies making fun of him and he's looking at me like "How could you?!"



Well I could because while the pepper worked, I can't apply it 4 times a day. And he's made himself bloody he's chewing so hard on himself. So now my boy is going to be coned when I'm away and will only have it off until he starts chewing. Then the cone goes on.... poor poor Holmes baby....

Sapphire wants a big mac O.O



OMG where o where has muh biddy gone?!

So I'm on the phone with Sapphire who is still in the hospital with her son and going insane from worry and boredom.



We decided to browse journal entries to take her mind off of her reality. We got through one, and all I heard was:



"OMG I'm ill vomit vomit!!! My back hurts vomit vomit!! We need a new hoby vomit vomit!! It's nice to know VR can cause a gag reflex when your not even on it!"

I remember after I taught him how to row he told me about his wanting to do this and I was skeptial. LMAO- I of ALL people should know better.



How many times have I done things that people look at me like I'm crazy for... well if you haven't seen it- you don't know me.



I am honored to have been the one to touch a life to make these changes in others. True if I had not been the rowing coach someone else would have, but for those 4 weeks and the several months he was around the boathouse, I am honoured it was me. A small part in what has become a world wide adventure.



Best part of all, from the side lines I can look and smile seeing the journey that all started with a boat, dock, rope and me shouting instructions.



Keep it even over the keel. Left over right, even between the feet and hands. Hang on it, use your weight- and you will be first around the world. Row hard, like no one else has done before... you honour us all with your efforts!

Try listening to a mom doing nothing more than trying to comfort her son on Christmas, because he just wants to go home... is breaking my heart.



Take your needs and shove them up your arse. Your selfish need has no place in such a scene.



Somethings should just have thier own time, especially on Christmas. Family and true friends first.



Nothing else matters- don't ever kid yourself about that. If you need the grass on the other side, ask yourself why. Why is that grass better than your own? Perhaps the person has tended it better than you have. Perhaps there is work that you have not seen, that they put into it to make it grow and be truly green.



Take a moment from self pity, and tend your own garden. I know there are flowers there as well, and they will grow if YOU tend them. NO ONE else can tend them for you. Once you learn that, the world will be full of beauty- no matter what the problem that arises. Because just when you think no more, a flower will blossom and you will see, smell and touch it.



For those of you that do get it, Merry Christmas! I hope your day is filled with as much joy, beauty and magic. Let it create today in a new and special way.

And I'm just clicking random links, laughing at some and staring at others.



No I'm not upset that Christmas this year did not include presents. Nor is it the fact that I am alone.



It is that my absence hurts someone else, and it is a path that must be crossed.



There are times I wish I could spread my will to others. My take no prisoners and go until no more can be done. Then from there look to see what needs doing, rest, and start again until it is finished.



No, I'm often not on time. But I do enjoy life- in all of it's forms. There is more I can still enjoy, and I take notice for when the doing is done.



The bottom is near, that or it has been reached.



I do feel the turning of the wheels, but they are slow and needing grease.



One thing at a time.



So I will go back to sewing for the day. I love you Mom and Patrick. I hope that you find in each other a wonderful day filled with spirit and love. Know that I am with you in my thoughts, as I would rather be there than here. Do not let him spoil your day. Instead I hope he has a good one that is able to be fun and gracious. The darkness can have him another time.



Today I want you all to have joy.

The first Christmas I was unable to go home.

Adult content... omg!

So someone *cough cough a rat cough* reminded me that it is horrible manners to dye your hair and eyebrows and then leave something out... Yes she is reminding me of THAT journal entry...



So I sent her this:



hahahahahahha! althought they haven't grown that big... I can just see this:



"Hello Dr? I think I have a sinus infection."



"Really, why do you think that?"



"Because I have lots of mucous and puss in my nasal cavity."



"Yes, that does sound like one. Do you have any allergies?"



"No."



"Were you exposed to something hazardous?"



"No."



"Do you have an idea of how this happened?"



"Yes."



"Can you tell me?"



"Well I needed to match my nose hairs to my eyebrow colour...."

For those of you that wanted to see my new hair… here it is. Crappy lighting, will take some better pictures of the colour some time soon. :P



















Now you might be able to see why it just doesn’t seem like me. Hmmm I think I need to dye my eyebrows too. Dang it.

Seriously, I am no longer one. I have brown hair, and the truly strange thing is... I'm not in hair shock like I should be. Especially considering my hair that was almost to my waist is now only to my shoulders... barely. Over 8" was taken off of my hair and it was thinned out. I still don't know what to think.



It seems the time was right to shake things up a little more. Odd.

When the doorbell rings and you scream in terror.



=/



"Ain't no one home just go away"



... and yes I did scream in terror.

I hate hearing you cry because my brother and I can't come home for Christmas.



I hate that you have to drive to see my brother with your ex who is being a complete ass.



I hate not being in a place to change these things.





But even so I do not hate where I am. I hate that I can't help you get there in your life.

Bit by bit I feel myself cracking more and more.



Honestly I'm just sick of drama. If I have to explain this to you, then you don't have anything to do with it. If you have questions about it- then it's not about you. And no it is not regarding my room-mate. Fuckers I have a life outside of my home and VR... get used to it.



That I have to put things like this in MY journal is case and point.



I am not having a good day, I am bleeding and frankly I don't give a shit about you or your life. I am sick of not knowing who to believe and who is being a fucktard. Frankly I'm sick of people.



A vacation would be nice, but it would require travel, and that will put me in contact with PEOPLE. ick.



Hibernation right now sounds wonderful. Because in truth, I only want to have my animals around me at this point. Light the candles, put on a movie and just be.



For a long while.

I am sorry.



I wish that there was more that I could do to remove your pain. Know that a better place has been gone to, one where spirit comforts and soothes. One where wholeness is possible. More than it is able to be here with our physical and chemical needs.



What are we but organic machines that produce our own chemicals to survive. When we malfunction, our spirit suffers. Perhaps this is what the Buddists mean by life is suffering.



But these words are nothing but drivel. I still can't take away your pain, it is not mine to remove. So I offer you my compassion, and an ear whenever you need one.



There is better, I know you feel it too. Hang on to that hope, that peace and the joy that comes from knowing.



Here it is still snowing, and the storm looses no strength, yet inside it is warm and I have made several foods. We shall sit out the storm comfortably.



You know how to get a hold of me should you need.

You know a lot of people have chimed in about the "better to have loved than not at all." comment some teen made.



I have to say, I agree with the comment.



If it is love.



I Corinthians 13. Is my view of love.



Anything else is fevered lust- that consumes us from the inside out. It rules us, it does not enhance our being.



As for the comment I agree with it because I did love. I was 18, and he was 24. At that point our lives were intersecting, and it was an amazing thing. Everyone noticed and knew, even though he and I never really thought about it. That moment was far too important to worry about the future.



Because while we loved, we also were never to be. It was the only time our lives would cross. If I had gone with him, yes we would have married and I would have several things I wanted. But I would not have been true to myself or my purpose, and he would not allow me to do that.



Yet aside from close to 10 years of tears, and another 8 working finding more of me... I do not regret him.



He taught me that love is patient, it will wait for the right moment. Love does not mean I should ever have to be something I am not. Love will not ask me to alter my path it will help me create it. Love is so much more than what others have tried to convince me it is.



And until I find it again, I will not budge. I may have crushes and lust after people I adore, but I KNOW the difference. So I will enjoy life and some of the distractions that pass my way.



But I will wait for love, even if that was to be my only brush with it this life. It taught me that the imitations are great and beautiful, but not durable. I do not need the glitz, and I can amuse myself. My job is me, loves job is to challenge who and what I am.



When I love again it will not "complete" me, it will enhance what I already am, good and bad. It will be the force that allows me to be a friend to my love, when all I really want to do is scream. Love will not be the "thing" that brushes all aside, it will be the magnifing glass that allows me to see and accept with compassion.



How can I disagree when that one painful loss has taught me so much about myself and who I am? Why would I deny that insight, that most people choose to be blind to? I am thankful for the pain.



Because love taught me to love me. That way when another comes I have it to share in abundance.



1 Corinthians 13



1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.



4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.



8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.



13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.



Footnotes:

a: 1 Corinthians 13:1 Or languages

b: 1 Corinthians 13:3 Some early manuscripts body that I may boast

Matthew, thank you. Those are truly the kindest words anyone has given to me.



While private, I will keep them here to treasure and as a reminder of what I should never forget. Why the road has been hard and difficult, most important- why it is worth it.

Chicken stock 900mL

2 bay leaves

1 yellow onion

2 tbsp italian seasoning

2 tbsp sea salt

1/2 tsp cayenne pepper

1/4 tsp red pepper

1/2 tsp cummin

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp clove

1/2 tsp allspice

1 tsp cajun spice blend

1/4 cup olive oil

6 chicken thighs

1 butternut squash

1 cup of rice



Take the butternut squash and cut in half- bake at 325 for hour and half with the open face to a baking sheet with a "lip". Remove seeds/strings prior to baking.



Put chicken stock in large pot, add onion and 2 bay leaves with frozen chicken thighs *or fresh* add water equivilant to 3x the chicken broth. Bring to boil, then cover and simmer.



Remove the butternut squash and let cool.



After hour and half remove the chicken thighs and skin/bone them removing all excess chicken fat and general ick.



Once cool enough to touch, scoop out the squash and add pieces to the soup. Break into the sizes you wish to have. Optional: can strain or puree the squash and then add it to the soup.



Add the chicken meat, and the rest of the spices and ingredients. Simmer until rice is cooked and then serve.



Cook time about 2 hours. Prep time: about 5 min prior to start, and then during cooking time about 25 min.

I simply do not understand it. I can understand it to a point.



But in my mother's case it is exhausting me.



As I stated eariler this week- Seattle had record rains and most homes had some water or flooding. Including mine.



But my mother can't seem to do anything about it. So my stuff is going to rot and have to be throw out. Not a big deal? To me it is.



It is my piano, my fabric- just those two things are over 10,000 that I don't have to replace or repair them.



My problem is not that it is a hard job- or that it is difficult...



It is that she does NOT ask for help. From anyone other than her ex that is still abusive and self serving as ever.



Then she calls me crying.



And I want to yell. I can't help. She is unwilling to get me a plane ticket, and I have to work here. Yes I could go right around Christmas- but she "doesn't have the money" and so cries all the harder.



Sometimes I just want blunt objects to hit people with.



If she would just stop wallowing in self pity for mistakes made and a life that has completely and utterly disappointed her, she might be the woman she once was.



The problem is- she wants ME to make her that.



Me to create the safe space.



And I have to look out for myself. I fucking HATE depression, and people who do not want to be well. Nothing aggrivates me more.



For the simple reason I am helpless to make that change.



*sigh*

I brought home my study guides... for the talk I am to give tomorrow... only...



IT IS THE WRONG ONE!







FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK

This is just voice- no pretty pictures... but funny as hell!

Here are the rules for the VR gathering next Aug...

This sounds just like my mom :P



*rat pushes up her glasses, using her middle finger as she looks up at the doe, then goes back to searching*

And considering that I am from Seattle where Bill=Master of all that is EVIL...



AND considering that microsoft has done just this:

I can't right now... words are too much and I am not in a place to answer.

Equals one huge headache. For those of you that didn't hear, most of Seattle flooded along with pretty much the entire western side of that state.



Why the headache when I live in Ontario?



Simple. My house has 3" of water in the basement. Where I'm storing the things I didn't bring with me.



Which means my mother has to unpack that ENTIRE room. Remove the carpet before it starts to mold. Try to wash and clean all my belongings that can be saved and then pack it all again.



That room has NEVER flooded. Then again, it was a record rain for as long as they have kept records- which means the house has never been through a rain like that before.



Even better- Insurance does not cover water- unless it is a broken pipe =/



Owie... I just wanna nap.

wow I can't handle this! Groups as in, lots of chicks... Nekked chicks at at WOW! Right on the verge of porn!

Bad is when the roomie farts and the fire alarm goes off.



Seriously.



It just happened- Ask Imagesinwords she was on the phone when the alarm went off.



:P

Something that we often forget when the season gets busy.



When people treat us badly.



Still for some of us service is a way of life.



Find your joy in what you do.

Are just crappy no matter what you do. *sigh*



Change-over at work has gone ok, but you know I honestly don't want this kind of drama. Still... meh.



Then to deal with people that hurt friends/business relations by just being bitchy. bah.



There I am in the middle. Why? In the first situation it's because the boss didn't wait for my work permit. In the second, well it's because I am too trusting, as is my friend, and well- her partner is not. *belch*



The distaste lingers in my mouth.



Over all good day- just these small things. No not VR related at all.. and by the way I hate that I have to clearify for people. This is my journal, and my life has more dimentions than VR.

Bounce Bounce Bounce



Those of you that have done web cam with me will know exactly what I am doing right now...



Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce



:D Hey even I need a mental break for icky work! Bounce Bounce Bounce...

TheCrankyIrishSpudMuffin



♥

I have to say the Fist is my personal fav.



>:)

Well, these xxx are hermaphrodites, which means that they can act as both males and females at the same time. When they mate, they insert their penises into eachother at the same time. The unusual thing (in case you don't find that unusual enough!) is that sometimes, but not always, when they finish mating one xxxx will chew the penis completely off the other, a process called Apophallation. Sometimes it happens that both xxxxx engage in chewing so that at the end of the mating encounter, both xxx are penis-less.





*** that about sums up my day***